It’s my turn on the Character Assassination Carousel, a blog series run by the fabulous and hilarious Ninja Mom where bloggers roasts a beloved children’s book. Last week, it was Rachee from Say It Ray-Shay. Next week, it’s Kylie from The Life of Kylie. Today, I take on Brown Bear,Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Eric Carle.
P.S. This is going to take the place of my Thursday post. So there’s that.
In the Eric Carle classic, Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See, an unknown narrator interrogates a number of animals about who is looking at them, as if they know them and all. Like they think they know their life when really they don’t and need to step off.
Today I will examine all of the animal stare-downs in this sweet and simple children’s book.
1. Brown Bear Brown Bear what do you see?
I see a red bird looking at me.
Well. That’s one ballsy bird.
Obviously, you’re going to have to murder him.
To be honest, though, I’m not actually sure how a bear catches a bird; all I’m seeing on the internet is how bears eat off of backyard bird feeders, which is more of an association with birds who have died of starvation rather than a causal relationship. In fact, the internet doesn’t address how you catch birds at all. I’m assuming you wait for babies who can’t fly, or old, sick birds to commit suicide. I guess what I’m saying is, murdering this bird is going to quite a feat.
Looks like Red Bird can stare all he wants.
2. Red Bird Red Bird what do you see?
I see a yellow duck looking at me.
Hey guess what red bird? There is no such thing as a yellow duck. So apparently, you’re not just ballsy you’re also a big old liar. Either what you’re seeing is a duckling, which is yellow, or you’re seeing a duck, which is not yellow. I have no idea why you’re playing these games with us.
3. Yellow Duck Yellow Duck what do you see?
I see a blue horse looking at me.
Okay, “yellow duck.” Let’s get real. There are no blue horses. There aren’t even any horses that look kinda blue. You know, like the way they call it “blue grass” in Kentucky because the grass is so green that it’s blue which makes no goddamn sense anyway? Yeah. No horses like that.
How does someone come up with a blue horse, anyway? The answer is obvious: Nazis.
Turns out Eric Carle lived in Nazi Germany. He was taking an art class when a teacher showed him a painting of a blue horse and made a comment about how the Nazis were a bunch of assholes who didn’t appreciate true art, like paintings of blue horses. This made an impression on young Eric Carle, and thus, we have the blue horse in our favorite children’s book.
I will also leave you with this:
That’s a bear schmoozing with a bunch of Nazis.
Somebody call Dan Brown – we’ve got some Da Vinci Code shit going on in here.
4. Blue Horse Blue Horse what do you see?
I see a green frog looking at me.
Hey, did you know that a frog is actually a part of a horse’s foot? It’s the part underneath that gets all caked up with dirt and feces. Here’s another fun frog fact for you: that frog might be gazing at you because it’s high as a fucking kite. Apparently there’s this terrible doping problem in horse racing because they’re giving horses a performance enhancer that is pulled from the back of a South American frog. This back juice is, as it turns out, “40 times more powerful than morphine.”
So what we have here is a doped up frog staring at a Nazi-induced horse.
The plot thickens, Mr. Carle.
5. Green Frog Green Frog what do you see?
I see a purple cat looking at me.
Oh I’m sure you do, you goddamn drug dealer. What else do you see, Mr. Frog? A burnt-sienna zebra? Perhaps a cerulean sea lion? I bet there’s a whole kaleidescope of colors in your zoo, my friend.
6. Purple Cat Purple Cat what do you see?
I see a white dog looking at me.
Huh. A white dog, Herr Carle? Hm. How convenient.
By the way, I think it’s important to note here that I am not actually saying that Eric Carle was a Nazi. It’s really, really important that we’re clear on that. Dr. Seuss, however, was heavily into animal porn.
7. White Dog White Dog what do you see?
I see a black sheep looking at me.
I find this interesting, as dogs and sheep are known to have a contentious relationship. I think it’s due to all the herding and barking and nipping and what not. So dog, if there is a sheep staring at you, then the gauntlet has been thrown and it is time to bring the pain.
We shall never be friends.
8. Black Sheep Black Sheep what do you see?
I see a goldfish looking at me.
I’m not going to kid you, I’m having a hard time putting a sheep and a goldfish in the same room. So I’m gonna need to move along.
9. Goldfish Goldfish what do you see?
I see a teacher looking at me.
Oh lord, the classroom goldfish. The tank-tapped, overfed, poop-covered fish of the children. My daughter’s teacher tried to get me to take home one of the classroom goldfish. Let me tell you how fast I shut that down: that fast. Right there. See? It was so fast it didn’t even register as an increment of time.
10. Teacher teacher what do you see?
I see children looking at me.
If you are paranoid, then being in front of a classroom full of children is probably not the best setting for you.
“I feel like they’re all staring at me…all the time.”
“You’re their teacher, Becky. I’ll bet they also take notes on the things you say.”
“How did you know?!”
“Jesus christ, Becky.”
11. Children children what do you see?
We see (list of all of the animals and the teacher) that’s what we see.
Wrapping it up in a long-winded, repetitive way – I expected no less from you, children. And thank you for bringing us to the end of this tale of odd hallucinatory animal match-ups. It was super weird.