Would you like to be an internet troll? Do you want to unnecessarily cause others pain and self-doubt? Who doesn’t?! Well you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to my short guide for how to create drama and hurt feelings on the internet. If you’ve ever wanted to cause others pain, cruelty to strangers via your laptop is a great way to do it — and you don’t even have to look them in the eye!
Step One: Find Your Motivation And Figure Out Your Follow Through
There are two motivations for internet trolls. Either, “It’s all about me feeling bad,” or, “It’s all about me feeling good.”
It’s All About Me Feeling Bad
We all have topics that cause us pain, or that are so important to us that we are unable to be objective about them. You need to make sure that everybody else knows what yours are. The key to this kind of trolling is to find a place where people are expressing the opposite opinion on the topics that you are most passionate about and make them hear your story. This can be done on any site at all where there is a random mention of the topic. Don’t be afraid to get in there and speak your mind!
The person who wrote the post that is the subject of your disdain and hatred may only have mentioned the topic in passing and without any meaning attached to it — that’s okay. You can still use it. Your reaction can be completely unrelated to what the original poster was talking about, and it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you’re feeling something and sharing it with other people.
And if you hear about something offensive written on another site, get over there and leave a comment but do not read the original post first. When you listen, you give the other person power. Don’t listen, just judge. If it’s important to you, then everyone should know it. And nothing tells someone that they need to re-think their feelings on a subject like calling them a cunt.
That all sounds great! So what are some good ways to follow through?
Here are some examples that I mostly made up:
“I never knew real love until I had my kids.” (On a parenting website)
“How dare you say that people who don’t have kids don’t understand love, you selfish bitch!” (from a child-free by choice site)
“Man, I just don’t understand why people like sunflowers. I think they’re ugly.” (On a horticulture site)
“Sunflowers were my dead daughter’s favorite flower. Maybe you should think for a minute about how your words can hurt people. You selfish bitch.” (from a grief and loss site)
“I don’t know, I just hope we find a way to keep guns out of kids hands.” (On a news site)
“My fourteen-year-old son shot a moose that was charging me. I would have died if that kid hadn’t had a gun, you monster.” (from Reddit)
It’s All About Me Feeling Good
Let’s be honest — your life isn’t awesome. You have no power, and people look down on you. But you’re smart enough to know that reacting to that in the real world would cause you to lose your job and any remaining friends you have. So take it to the internet! The anonymity of the internet is the perfect place to explore all of the deep, dark parts of your soul that are unfit for civilized society. It’s the place where you can finally be the mean girl or the bully, where you can say outrageously awful things without repercussions, a place where you can get all of the attention you so sorely lack in your real life. The world won’t respond to your compliments, but it will respond to your death threats and cruelty. So go out there and make something happen!
Examples of ways to follow through that I mostly made up:
“I don’t feel the same way about my cats as I do about my kids.” (from a parenting site)
“I hope your husband leaves you.” (origin unknown)
“RIP Grandpa Miller.” (from a funeral home website)
“Your Grandpa was a pedophile who also strangled a baby elephant with its own trunk.” (origin unknown)
“Happy Friday, everyone! Have fun tonight and don’t forget to have a designated driver!” (from anywhere on the internet)
“Kill yourself.” (Reddit)
Step 2: Don’t Feel Bad…Ever
Other commenters on the internet are going to try to make you feel bad. They’re going to use big words like, “compassion,” “heartlessness,” and “morality,” and tell you that you’re wrong. Don’t listen to them. You have nothing to feel bad about. Remember that you are either a) standing up for your right to upset about whatever or b) being mean to someone none of you even know. They can’t tell you not to air your personal disappointments on whatever stage you damn well please, and they can’t possibly care about the feelings of someone none of you have ever met.
It’d be one thing if you were saying this stuff to their whore mother, but you’re not. You’re saying this to some random person on the internet, and that person is either a complete stranger who means nothing to the world, or they are someone who is successful and therefore deserves to be taken down a peg. Regardless, why should you care about their feelings? It’s not like you know them. The only feelings that matter here are yours. You can’t see anyone crying, or wondering if they really are a terrible person, or having a bad day because of something you said. You can’t see the shock in someone’s eyes when they read a cruel comment that completely misrepresents what they said, you can’t feel their pain when they are ganged up on and told what kind of person they are by people who don’t know them, or their rage at being unable to defend themselves because defending themselves just provides more fuel for your fire. All of that stuff is going on somewhere else and doesn’t directly affect you, so why should you care?
So, all you wannabe trolls, keep these things in mind:
1. Why you are trolling (it’s all about you, yes…but why?)
2. What’s the best way to follow through (e.g. twist words, take them out of context, or overreact to a remarkable degree.)
3. Don’t ever feel bad about hurting someone else’s feelings. After all, they’re just people, and you know how awful people are.