I fully support doing things that promote the health of our environment. That is in no small part due to the fact that I hate hot weather so if summers get any hotter I am going to have a conniption.
I’m joking. Mostly.
Doing your part to save the environment is important, but there are some things where — while I admire the effort — maybe we just need to let it go. Not every product can or should be environmentally friendly. I was thinking about this because I recently bought the husband and I some new towels from Target, completely unaware that they were “environmentally friendly.” Then I tried to use one…
Let’s discuss what makes a towel a towel, shall we? I’ll go first. I think that the primary duty of a towel is to absorb water. The ability to dry quickly is probably number two, and that is only because drying others and drying itself are the only two jobs a towel has.
It turns out that these towels I bought are some kind of eco-friendly design that dries super quickly which is helpful to the world because…I don’t know…wet towels will rape your puppy. Well, let me tell you why they dry so fast: because they don’t actually take on any water. Drying yourself with these towels is like getting out of the tub and rubbing yourself against the shower curtain. Some water might accidentally get knocked off you, but really what you’re doing is just smearing water around on your body.
It is very disconcerting.
So I will be returning these towels to Target on Friday. I have enough things to worry about in my life — my towels don’t need to be one of them.
In this spirit of thanks-for-making-this-environmentally-friendly-but-maybe-you-shouldn’t-have-bothered, here are some other products I found that I find questionable.
1. The hand powered shredder.
Awesome. I was wondering if there was a way I could make that pile of paper I need to shred even less appealing. Using a hand crank to shred each individual sheet will do it.
2. The Eco Brolly
According to the designer, “this umbrella can re-use and adapt objects such as newspaper, card, and plastic bag and turn it into an umbrella.” Girl, please. The homeless have been doing this for years. I hope they are getting a cut of whatever you’re making from your newspaper umbrella, which, by the way, is not an ideal material for protecting yourself from rain. And here in Seattle we aren’t allowed to have plastic bags at stores anymore, so I’m thinking you should expand and create a cardboard division.
3. A reusable water bottle.
Wait…WAIT…a water bottle that you can use more than once?
You mean, you can use all the water in this bottle, and then put more water in it and use it again?
Nah, I don’t buy it. I bet the next thing you’ll tell me is that I don’t need to set fire to my Tupperware after one use. Or that pencils can be sharpened. And then where does it stop, I ask you? WHERE DOES IT STOP?
4. Clothing made from pet hair.
According to Betsy Willis, who has made one of these for both herself and her husband from their Samoyed dogs: “It’s like mohair but more lightweight and more soft, and the more you wash it, the more soft and fluffy it gets…People are surprised when they find out we’re wearing dog wool clothes. Some think it’s disgusting and ask how we can do it, but it seems very normal to us.”
Yes. I am totally on board. Here’s the plan: I make a cat shirt out of my cat Diva’s fur. Then the next time she wakes me up at 4am or takes a swipe at me for walking too close to her, I can put on my Her Shirt and have a seat on the other end of the couch. We’ll lock eyes, and then I’ll lean forward and whisper, “I’m wearing you.”