I am not culturally competent.
I never have been. It’s not something new that happened when I had children and stopped having time to read on the toilet — I’ve always been strangely behind the times. Wherever it is that people go to learn the things that everybody else knows? I don’t know where that is.
Indeed, if you’ve ever wondered who it is living under that rock, it’s probably me, hanging out with your grandmother, complaining about how we can’t understand what any of the singers on the radio are saying.
I decided it was time to educate myself about the latest trends in movies, music, social media, food, and books.
It is only because of my friends that I ever see movies in the theater. Normally I am a “wait till it comes out on Netflix in a few months” kind of gal. But I have friends who like to live in the world, and from time to time we get together to see whatever the latest book-to-movie release is. Cuz we’re nerds. Deal with it.
In order to be up-to-date on the cinematic front, my friends and I went to a movie theater that serves alcohol and saw Fifty Shades of Grey. I was nervous about this because I can be a bit of a prude: watching people do it on screen while I sit in a dark room surrounded by strangers makes me feel icky on the inside. But I swallowed my fear and a large Diet Coke and went for it.
Everyone has been giving this movie a bad rap, saying things like, “It’s the worst movie ever made.” Let me tell you something — if you think Fifty Shades of Grey was the worst movie ever made, then you have not seen The Smurfs 2.
I thought it was hilarious. When he walks into her room while she’s sleeping, gently sits on the edge of her bed and says, “The woman who gave birth to me was a crack addict. And a prostitute,” I almost choked on a Milk-Dud. And when he says, “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week,” and she says, “…What?” I mean…how could you not love this movie?!
One and a half thumbs up.
I went to iTunes to see what the best selling albums are these days. Number one? The Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack. I heard that when I saw the movie, so I am already ahead of the curve! Woo hoo! I decided that was cheating, though, so I looked at number two: Taylor Swift’s 1989.
That’s the year she was born.
I was in the seventh grade.
Taylor Swift was actually responsible for my first “I’m too old for this now,” moment. a few years ago I was in my SUV, driving my twin toddlers to the park, when her song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” came on. I started singing along, until she got to the part where she says:
“Ugh…so he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’
And I’m like…’I just…I mean…this is exhausting, you know?
Like, we are never getting back together. Like, ever.'”
And that’s when I realized that as a mother of two in her mid-thirties, I can’t pull this song off anymore. It has been relegated to the iPod, along with that Kesha song about how the party don’t start till she walks in.
I’m going to skip this album.
Just the term “social media” makes me tired. I love myself some Facebook, but that’s all I need to keep track of the various people in my life. Instagram and Snapchat have no place in my world. I just don’t take that many pictures of my day-to-day life. Look, here’s what I’m doing now:
See? Now what? I don’t get it.
Besides, most of the new social media seems to be geared toward getting you the highest number of dick pics in the least amount of time. I don’t need that anywhere near my life.
Paleo! Everybody wants to eat like cavemen and leave out all the preservatives and such! Okay! That sounds healthy and sadly lacking in cake.
I don’t know much about the Paleo diet, so I visited Paleo Grubs and checked out their list of “Foods to Avoid.” These include:
- Artificial ingredients That sounds hard.
- Soda I’m out.
- Partially hydrogenated oils I don’t even know what these are.
- Junk food Okay. That’s bad for me.
- Fast food Ditto. I’m on board with this plan.
- Grains Wait…no grains?
- Dairy Or dairy?
- Processed food Or corn dogs?
- Legumes The hell is wrong with a bean?!
- Potatoes Forget it. None of this makes sense.
I can easily stay modern when it comes to books, right? I read constantly! So I was feeling pretty positive when I looked up the New York Times best-seller lists. These lists were populated mainly by American Sniper, The Girl on The Train, and Fifty Shades of Sweet-Jesus-Mary-And-Joseph-How-Many-Of-These-Are-There Grey.
I’m only interested in American Sniper for the fake baby in the movie, and I’ve read The Girl on The Train and two of the three Fifty Shades books.
As long as Taylor Swift doesn’t write a best-seller, I am golden in terms of book culture. Now I’m going to go drink another latte with artificial sweetener in it, eat a muffin, and not look at any pictures of penises for the rest of my day.
I wrote this post for Netflix in honor of their new original series, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. In the show, Ellie Kemper plays a woman held underground for years as part of a sister-wives cult until she is freed and moves to New York City to start her new life. The show comes from Tina Fey and Robert Carlock, so that should sell you immediately. If it doesn’t consider these facts:
1. The women are referred to in the media as “the mole Women,” which they hate.
2. The theme song consists of a man saying, “They alive, dammit!” And “Females are strong as hell!” Just that. Back and forth. Awesome.
3. I was introduced to the term, “foot slut.” And for that, I am forever grateful.
You can start streaming The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt TODAY on Netflix!