My husband and I had our first date on the day after Valentine’s day, 2003. We went to the aquarium and then had lunch at a garlic restaurant, setting us up for a lifetime of funny smells together.

Since we have been together pretty much everyday since that date, it’s now been 10 years. Yes, just like it said on the card he gave me last year on our 9th anniversary (so close, honey), it’s been 10 years. In honor of this milestone, I want to take a look at anniversary gifts. Turns out there is a whole list of anniversary themes for every year of marriage that adorable people who still give a shit like to use to buy gifts for each other.

The themes listed are the actual themes on the “modern United States anniversary” list. The rest is a little story I put together detailing how these gifts would be presented to a spouse over the course of a 25 year marriage.

It gets a little weird.

Year	Theme	Presentation Of Gift From Husband To Wife
1st	Clock	Underneath those two dozen roses is the Coldplay album, “Clocks.” Every song is dedicated to you, my lovely wife.
2nd	China	A complete set of china, for all those fancy dinner parties we are definitely going to have.
3rd	Crystal, Glass	Glass baby bottles, to keep all those terrible BPA chemicals away from the precious baby we will soon welcome into the world.
4th	Appliances (electrical)	Aaaaaaaand here’s a vibrator. Because really, who has the time.
5th	Silverware	Shit…is it our anniversary? Here, have this spoon. Because I still dig you. Honey?…Hey, honey?
6th	Wood Objects	Here, have this carved wooden spoon. Because I still dig…honey? Where are you going?
7th	Desk Sets/Pen and Pencil Sets	No, no, this is perfect. Now you can take your pen and your paper, write down your complaints, and then address it to “SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK.”
8th	Linens, Lace	Hey, baby. It’s been a tough year. I thought we could use this year’s gift theme to rekindle the romance. I got you these linen sheets – they’re white so they go with everything…and they’re wrinkle-free. Yeah…I knew you’d like that.
9th	Leather Goods	Last year’s anniversary gift went so well, I thought I’d up the ante a bit. That’s a riding crop and a saddle, baby. “Jockeys, mount up.”
10th	Diamond Jewelery	Last year’s anniversary gift went so badly, I decided to play it safe for our big ten-year anniversary. Here’s a ring. I’m gonna be in the garage.
11th	Fashion Jewelry, Accessories	I let the kids pick out your present this year. It’s a Hello Kitty barrette from Claire’s. Molly says if you don’t wear it to pick her up from school today you will break her heart into one million pieces. Ok, have a good day!
12th	Pearls, Colored Gems	Did you know that pearls are basically scabs that oysters make to protect them from irritants? Happy anniversary, my scabby irritant.
13th	Textiles, Furs	You don’t have an anniversary gift this year, you selfish bitch, because fur is murder. Also, murder is murder. Put down the brick.
14th	Gold Jewelry	Thank you for the anniversary gift of a gold tooth, taken under unknown circumstances from your cell mate, Catfish. I hope you are learning from your mistake and/or finding Jesus and/or making new friends. See you next month.
15th	Watch	Congratulations on your early release. Here is a watch, to count the minutes till we die in each other’s arms or a fiery inferno. Chances are, it will be both. Happy anniversary.
16th	Silver Holloware	This is a silver butter pat plate. For your pats of butter. It will be useful for all those butter knives you have to use, since I still don’t trust you with the sharp ones. No, fuck YOU!
17th	Furniture	As we discussed in therapy, I wanted to get you something special to express my feelings for you. So I got you this floral loveseat, because I love you so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return the painting of meat that you bought me. It clashes with the drapes.
18th	Porcelain	My darling wife. I bought you this small, porcelain cat for our anniversary. You’re right — it will be adorable staring down the barrel of the porcelain handgun that was your gift to me this year. On an unrelated note, I fear we are drifting apart.
19th	Bronze	Darling wife, I am sorry that I forgot our anniversary this year. I was stunned, however, by the thoughtfulness and ingenuity you showed in bronzing my balls. I have no idea when the cast was made, but I shall never sleep soundly again. Kudos.
20th	Platinum	20 years. Where does the time go? And where do you go, when you say you are out “bird watching?” Well, here is a pair of platinum binoculars. Don’t get arrested.
21st	Brass, Nickel	As our oldest child heads to college, I am filled with nostalgia for – yes, I got you the brass compass you asked for. Seriously. Where are you going?
22nd	Copper	Happy copper anniversary! Penny for your thoughts? Ha! No but really I want to know where you are spending your nights and weekends.
23rd	Silver Plate	Hey, here’s a silver plate! Speaking of which, are you cheating on me? Because I kinda feel like maybe you are…whatever. I’m going to go downstairs and get drunk. Alone. With my plate.
24th	Musical Instruments	No, I DIDN’T get you anything this year. Instead, I bought myself a guitar. I’m going to start a Def Leppard tribute band called, “My Wife Is A Filthy Whore.” No, YOU’RE an idiot!
25th	Silver	Wife…I mean, ex-wife. I bought you this silver locket in memory of the almost 25 wonderful years we had together. If you open it up, you’ll see that on one side is a photo of the kids. On the other, a picture of my anus. So now, when you tell people your ex-husband is an asshole, you will have photographic evidence.I hope you and Catfish will be very happy together.

 

*******************************************************************

Weekly Wrap Up!

Reckless Video:  Read my review of Skyfall!

Funny Not Slutty: Héléne Bouffant is back with fashion advice for Valentine’s Day!

Aiming Low: Read my post Pets are not philanthropists at the awesome humor site, Aiming Low!

Imperfect parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Imperfect Parent, an angel gets its wings? and I make about 1/8th of penny? But, you know, do it for the angels. Disclaimer — there are some disturbing stories on this site. You might not want to be sober.