I know nothing about the Kama Sutra. I have never read it. Never googled it. And now that I have, I know why. Every single one of those positions look uncomfortable and exhausting. I don’t know how much fun you can be having when you’re spending the entire time trying to remain balanced on your head. The only reason people try these positions is because it’s the Kama Sutra and they’re 20-years-old and limber and in a relationship. Because no one does this shit with someone they’ve been married to for 20 years, and you DEFINITELY don’t whip one of these out during your first time with someone you’re dating — talk about establishing an dangerous precedent. Two months later you’re buying pole vaulting equipment and hating your life.
It reminds me of something my mother always told me growing up: just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Some of the images I saw in my google searches made me want to walk into the photo, tap the guy on his right foot or whatever was accessible, and say, “Hey now. There’s no need for all of that. Why don’t you climb down and we’ll have a little chat.”
Because I am all about learning, I’d like to tell you about some of the more interesting positions.
1. The Germinated Seed
I know. Just the name is sexy, right? This one isn’t too crazy, although it does come with a warning that “men should take their time before picking up the speed so it’s not painful for his lover.” Walk away, people. Just walk away.
2. The Lower Union
It sounds like a bank. I’d like to imagine that in this one, the couple stands one behind the other (as though in a line) for about an hour before merging their bank accounts. Slowly.
3. The Leaning Position
“This is not an easy task and should be respected for the courage it takes.” You know what? There are a lot of things in life that require courage — bungee-jumping, for example, or facing slow death by hippo. I don’t think this has to be one of those things.
Some people define courage as “being afraid but doing it anyway.” That could also, however, be the definition of stupidity. I want you to think about that before trying a sexual position that makes you feel afraid.
4. The Rest of the Warrior
Designed to be done lying down so you can rest after all your high-adrenaline sex, this one seems to involve penetration and then hours of arguing about whose turn it is to move.
5. The Twining of a Creeper
In a book called, “The Outdoor Kama Sutra,” (available at Amazon.com!) I found this gem. It’s called the “creeper” as in the “creeper vine.” I’m going to quote a section about this position titled, “Taking Care.” The emphasis is mine.
The standing positions require a strong back in the man and flexibility in the woman. Take care not to overdo it in the heat of passion. Always bend from your knees when lifting your partner, and keep your movements slow and smooth. If you have back problems, avoid lifting and carrying your lover.
You’re also supposed to make a “sut sut” sound, which I have never heard of but sounds hilarious.
6. The Union of the Elephant
Fuck you too, Kama Sutra.
7. The Position of the Tongs
To get a visual of this position, get two pairs of tongs. Now take one of the tongs and break it in half.
And there you have it.
8. The Climbing of a Tree
All I’ll ever think about when I hear this phrase is this:
9. The Crab
This position is pretty much exactly what you’re imagining (remember doing the crab walk in gym class? Now imagine running into someone while doing that. And that someone has an erect penis.) I am going to go ahead and say that no woman, ever, in the history of the world, has enjoyed this position. There’s no way.
Let’s cut the crap, Kama Sutra.
10. The Fixing of a Nail
I couldn’t find much about this one except for this description: “When one of her legs is placed on the head –”
And I’m out.
11. The Bandoleer
Okay. There isn’t much to say about this one except that 1) a bandoleer (or bandolier) is defined as, “a pocketed belt for holding ammunition,” so, you know, figure that out. And 2) I found a description of this position on a site called BabyMed.com.
12. The Bridge
No one does this. People could get killed. One site warned, “Don’t stay like this too long or he may pass out with so much blood rushing to his head.”
Come on, everybody. We’re better than this.
13. The Visitor
I just like the name.
“Oh my, it looks like we have…a visitor.”
“Well, show some manners and invite him inside.”
“Indeed I shall. We don’t want our visitor to shrivel up from the cold.”
I love it.
You guys. You guys you guys you guys you guys.
Okay, so I found an image of this one on a site called, “Climax Chocolates,” which basically makes cookies that look like those Petit Ecoliers, but instead of a small boy in a cape there are pictures of people banging. You buy a Plow cookie, which apparently is “great for any occasion including stag parties, valentines day, and anniversaries.” But just in case Plow chocolate isn’t quite your style, they also have a two-foot tall Santa and Almond Bark.
Keepin’ it versatile, like the good old KS.
There should be a gang sign for that…actually, I think I know the perfect one.