After-birth: 10 surprises from those first days after delivery

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They're keeping something from us. We can sense it. (image via pregnancybeat.com)

They’re keeping something from us. We can sense it. (image via pregnancybeat.com)

Childbirth classes were something I didn’t consider to be optional when I was pregnant. With my Type A personality and the fact that I am someone who would always rather know the ugly truth than a pleasant lie, you’d better believe I was in that class with pen in hand taking notes. Plus I was pregnant with twins, so I was already at Terror Alert Level Orange.

My husband and I learned about many, many things over the few months we attended class, but it turned out that there is a whole bunch of things that happen before you even leave the hospital that I not only didn’t learn in class, but no one ever mentioned. I guess most people figure that once you’ve actually had the baby you’ve already seen hell, so there’s no reason to point out the many rest stops on the way back.

But because I care, I want to share some of the surprising experiences I had after I delivered that it would have been nice to have a heads up about:

1. When shit gets real, you might freak out.

Oh, I thought I was ready. By the time they wheeled me to the operating room, I’d had hours to think about this c-section. So I was not prepared for the massive panic attack that hit me once they sat me up to give me my epidural. I looked around the operating room and saw all of this equipment and all of these nurses scurrying around getting things organized, and it suddenly hit me that this train had left the station. I was not in control — these babies were coming out. Period. I must have gone white because my husband stopped to ask me if I was okay. I somehow managed to stop myself from asking everyone in the room if we could wait like half an hour or something so that I could think about this some more. But I really, really wanted to. Luckily I just said, “I’m fine,” and swallowed the fear.

Remember, it’s better to hide the crazy then to share it with people who could call CPS.

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For WEEKS I was like this.

For WEEKS I was like this.

2. C-Sections — not necessarily the less painful option. 

I didn’t give a lot of thought to the pain that would come with a c-section. After all, it’s not as if I were going to have an unmedicated vaginal delivery. No, I was going to be doped up before during and after my childbirth experience. I was going to be fine, right?

Holy crap, the agony I was in after my c-section. AGONY. I barely made it through my first post-op shower — when the water hit my stomach, I about died. Want to know  what else was difficult? Standing up straight, because it pulls on the stitches. I was a hunch-backed Vicodin-popping mess for WEEKS after my surgery. It was bad times.

Now, this is not the case for most people — I have friends who were up walking around with very little pain the day after they had their c-sections. It could be that I am just a wimp of epic proportions. Or maybe all of the other women I know are heroes. Probably it’s both.

3. Please excuse me, but something has left my body via my vagina.

I had no idea that after they took out the babies, grabbed that good old placenta, and sewed you back up that so much STUFF was still going to need to exit your body. You’ll just be laying there enjoying your hospital pudding, when all of a sudden something will just casually make its way out of you. Believe me, there is nothing like talking to your mother-in-law and feeling something slide out of your vagina. It’s extremely  disconcerting.

And did I mention the bleeding? Holy cow, I bled for days, if not weeks after I delivered. Which leads me to every woman’s favorite post-delivery undergarment:

Yes...look at it. LOOK AT IT. (image via hotmamagowns.com)

Those are some no-fucking-around-diaper panties. (image via hotmamagowns.com)

4. The Foxy Lady Diaper Panties.

Ah, the famous mesh underpants. Are they not magnificent? Consider these to be another way of bonding with your newborn, as you both lay there in your own horrible.

5. The worst massage ever.

Hey, did you know that the nurses will come by every so often to give a massage? Yes, really! And did you know that they are going to massage your stomach, right where you recently had anywhere from 5 to 15 pounds of baby and also where someone recently cut you open and stapled you back together?

It hurts. It hurts like a sonofabitch. They do it so that your uterus will contract and you won’t bleed to death, which is a super good idea, but the word “massage” does not at all describe what it actually feels like. That’s like calling labor “tummy hugs.”  Of course, the fact that it is called a “uterine massage” probably should have tipped me off that this was not going to be a comfortable experience. It’s not like they offer uterine massages at the spa.

“Hm…do I want a facial, a pedicure, or a uterine massage…?”

staple-remover-72072_6406. Then they pull out the fucking staples?!

Here’s a little thing I forgot about: once they staple you closed, at some point they have to pull the staples out. Huh! Totally didn’t think about that until the nurse came to do it to me. I had already been emotionally scarred by all of my “massages”, so I was petrified about having those staples pulled out with what looked like a small pair of pliers. The nurse tried to tell me that it wasn’t going to hurt, but I was not buying it. I held my husband’s hand and put my other hand over my eyes before she got started. And you know what? It actually didn’t hurt at all. Then the nurse said, “Okay, now for the second row.” I bolted up and said, “WHAT?!” And she said, “Just kidding.” I told her she was the worst nurse ever, and we were BFFs from there on out.

That's me, the blissful new mother, mouth-breathing the day after delivery.

That’s me, the blissful new mother, mouth-breathing the day after delivery.

7. Hey little baby, I — (snore)

I was put on a little drug called magnesium after delivery, because I developed pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy.  I didn’t know anything about magnesium because I assumed going in that I was just going to be on painkillers. Well, magnesium makes you sleepy. And by sleepy, I mean that I fell asleep with a spoonful of pudding halfway to my mouth.

Not even kidding.

That’s how I spent the first few precious days of my babies lives — trying to stay awake long enough to complete a sip of water.

I gave my babies the best: Kirkland's Best, the cheap formula at Costco.

I gave my babies the best: Kirkland’s Best, the cheap formula at Costco.

8. My boobs don’t put out, because they’re ladies.

Both of my kids went to the NICU, so I started pumping in my room. I figured I wasn’t going to get very much out at first, but by day three, when the cleaning woman came into the room, looked at my empty pump, then puts her fingers close together and said in a concerned voice, “So little!” I had a sense that this breastfeeding gig might be a little harder than it looked.

Breastfeeding and I never did get to third base. I continued to have trouble after I went home, so I went to the lactation nurse at my doctor’s office for some help.  She took one look and said, “Well, it’s going to be a little more difficult for you because you have flat nipples.”

I’m sorry? What’s that now? I had never heard of flat nipples before. I had no idea that there were names for different kinds of nipples. I also had no idea that mine were not the norm. I almost said, “Well, I’ve never had any complaints before.” But again, it’s about hiding that crazy. So I just said, “So, what do I do?” She said, “Well, you can do it but it’s going to take a lot of time and energy.” This was the wrong thing to say to someone with three-week-old twins who hadn’t had more than two hours of sleep in a row since they were born. I said, “Okay. Then I’m out. What brand of formula do you recommend?”

9. I need to WHAT before I can go home?

Fart.

You need to fart before you can leave the hospital.

They are super serious about this, too. This was not easy for someone like me who gets extremely stressed out when she feels as though she is inconveniencing someone else. So to have my family, my husband, and the nursing staff waiting for me to pass gas so I could go home was not an ideal situation for me.

It’s a weird place to be because usually when people ask you if you farted you say NO. But in the hospital if you keep saying no then you never get to leave and they HATE that. I waited for the first thing that felt like a minor anal exhalation and jumped on it. I’m going home to not sleep some more, y’all!

It's whatevs forever!

It’s whatevs forever!

10. Oh, goodbye, shame. I don’t think we shall ever meet again.

This, I think, was the most important thing that happened to me after delivery that I did not know about ahead of time.

Before I had kids, I had this quality called “shame.”  That’s when you care who sees your inner labia. That went away during a very special moment I shared with my nurse’s aide, Lourdes.

Lourdes took me to the bathroom for the first time after delivery. She helped me onto the toilet, and then — while a variety of things were evacuated from my body — squatted in front of me and used a Perineal Irrigation Bottle (“taint cleansers”) to rinse my hoo ha clean. Yes, I did number one with a woman less than a foot from my vagina, squirting all of the post-baby stuff off of me.

This was a moment of profound change for me. It was the first of many moments to come where something happened to me after I had kids that would have made me scream before I had them, but now just made me say, “What? Oh, yeah. That’s my nipple. Now can I please pay for my coffee.” Like the time one baby vomited down my back at 8am and I didn’t change my shirt till Mike got home at 5:30. Oh, I’m sorry, is the Queen of England coming over? Well then I hope she enjoys the scent of regurgitated formula because I am not standing up unless the house is on fire, and even then I am pretty sure I can scoot out the door on my butt carrying both babies.

Almost every mother I know lost her shame at the hospital, and it’s a darn good thing because you can’t afford to have much of it when you’re a mom. You’ve got way more important things to worry about than whatever that thing is that’s stuck in your hair. Is it a Whopper? Perhaps your baby’s umbilical cord stump? Could be. But knowing right now isn’t going to make it any better, so let’s go to the park.

PS: “Post-Partum Poops,” or, as I called it, “No.”

Technically, this doesn’t happen till after you leave the hospital, but it is quite the landmark moment that I did not fully appreciate before I gave birth: the post-partum poop.

It. Is. The. Worst.

My friends and I talked about those post-partum poops recently (please refer to #10 about shame), and to a woman we were all terrified and/or in tears when trying to go number two. I remember one particular episode of my own when the kids were about a week old and my family was in town, visiting. We were hanging out in the living room when I stood up and said, “Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.”

And then I didn’t return for 45 minutes.

When I came back, one of my sisters said, “Are you okay? What was going on in there?” I said, “Oh, just negotiating with god.”

It is a terrifying experience, trying to poop after you give birth. I don’t care how many stool softeners they give you, it feels absolutely certain that there is going to be some kind of explosion or tear and you are going to die on the toilet like Elvis. So then you start thinking, well, what if I never poop again? It would mean a lot of enemas, but that would be a small price to pay compared to the anguish I am currently experiencing.

But you’ll poop again…eventually. And life will go on, and you and your shameless self will walk around proudly, having survived the hideous ugly that is childbirth. And when other women worry about things like bleaching their anus before delivery or making sure to pack a “cute” hospital gown, you will walk over and give them all of your contact information because they are going to need a hug when they get home from the hospital.

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

877 Comments

  1. Spot On! I laughed so hard!

    Lost my shame during labor, “do you mind if some students come in to observe”
    me: “I don’t care who you bring in here at this point. The morman tabernacle choir is fine with me”

    Plus, they threw the P.S. in on me before I could leave the hospital. Really? you only had to fart? Huh.

    • True story!! I totally had to take a shit..and show it to the nurse before I could leave!!

      • My god. That’s a third one! I’m really starting to wonder if my brain is refusing to remember having to do this…

        • It depends on facility or health care system I’m guessing because I didn’t have to before I was discharged with either of my children. I also don’t recall them requiring me to pass gas either, but they did ask me if I was. I did, however, have to verify that I could urinate again.

          • I think being required to pass gas is more of a thing if you had a csection. They want to make sure they didn’t cut your intestines…no biggie! LOL!

          • They usually only ask you to fart after a c-section, to make sure that all the air that was let in your abdomen during surgery finds its way out… I guess it can become quite the complication if this doesn’t happen. :)

        • Maybe I didn’t have to because I left a hot fresh one on the table ;) all I had to do was pee to leave.

        • I didn’t have to fart or poop before leaving and they let me go home a day early

      • lol… Ya i wish it was just having to fart. I had the nurses asking me every 5 mins, have you pooped yet? Have you had your stool softner? etc…

        • yeah i actually had to poop. and they had given me colace, milk of mag, prune juice. this poop was NOT trying to come. only an enema worked. i had to stay an extra 2 days because of that

          • that totally made me laugh!

          • lucky you I was in there a week and still hadn’t pooped.

          • I wish they had given me something to soften the stool… they dosed me up with iron and then told me (after I already had bad constipation during pregnancy) that iron would make it harder to poop… I almost cried when I heard that… but they sent me home without having done so, and I wasn’t able to go until my daughter was a week old… I was miserable!

          • Before I went in for my c-section with my twins, I was plugged up and hadn’t pooped in 5 days- cut to 4 days later when it still wasn’t happening, and they were hauling out the big guns- prunes, stool softeners, enemas galore, nothing worked. My skin was GRAY, I was turning toxic from the inside out, seriously! They ended up giving me the colon cleansing solution they give patients before a colonoscopy or anal surgery, or as a welcoming cocktail in Hell. I didn’t stop pooping for DAYS.
            I wish I was only made to fart.

        • A year and a half ago, I saw a video online advertising something called a Squatty Potty. I initially watched it to laugh at it, but by the end, I was sort of convinced. What it basically said was, we aren’t pooping right. Our bodies are designed to squat to poop, not sit, and sitting leads to a huge increase in all kinds of bad stuff from incontinence to cancer. Which makes sense, when you think about it. Now, I wasn’t going to spend $30 on a stool to help me poop, but the little plastic bathroom trashcan looked like just the right height to use.

          So, I told my sister about it. She laughed, called me a hippy, and moved on. She had a baby last May. About a week to ten days later, I got a text from her. “I haven’t pooped since the baby was born. I kept trying and trying but it was scary and it wouldn’t come out and then it hurt too much. I tried again today, and it still wouldn’t come out. As a last resort, I tried your squatting trick. As soon as I put my feet on the trashcan, it just went plop, plop, plop, and I was done. I don’t know if I can poop the other way again! You’ve ruined me!!!!”

          So…if anybody is having trouble with their post-partum poop, try raising your feet above your hips into a squatting position!

          • I thought I was the only weird person who does this sort of thing! I have ulcerative colitis and irritable bowel syndrome and I don’t even know when I started doing this or what made me even think to do it but I started using my kids bathroom stool to do this. I have short legs as I’m only 4’11” so using a stool is perfect height to prop my feet on! Too funny but I’m glad to know it’s not just me!!

          • When I learned about squatting, I tried it immediately! I’ve always had a terrible time, but, it really does change everything!
            I plan on doing the squat when I give birth as well, many women have recommended it, and the science behind it makes so much sense.

          • I had intentional issues when I was a kid through most of my teen years. I started squatting at probably age 7 or 8. Was in there for 2 hours crying and screaming. Finally got tired and put my legs on the cabinets under then sink. And RELIEF. Reeeeaaallyyy thought I was the only one who did this. I don’t feel like such a square now (:

          • Squatty Potty = Awesome! Worth every dollar.

          • Ya’ll are going to DIE when you hear my story. So…same as all of you, I just couldn’t do it. Too bad I didn’t know about squatting. So I suffered on the toilet for a few days, trying to get “a dinosaur out”, as one of my other mom friends so aptly put it. Nothing worked, and I was too afraid to push too hard because I didn’t want to open the stitches from the really bad tear I had. One day, it was so far down it wouldn’t go back up the ol’ rectum. So I knew it had to come out, but I still couldn’t get it out on my own. I’m pretty resourceful, right? So I immediately sent hubby to the store to buy some disposable latex gloves. Yep. And for the rest of that horrifying two weeks, I simply dug/pulled my own crap out of my body and disposed of each pair of gloves in the trash, wrapped in a million layers of toilet paper. I thought I was embarrassed at the hospital, but nothing was more shameful to me than having to do that. Yet, it didn’t hurt! :)

          • That’s one of the best positions to push a baby out too :)

          • I own a Squatty Potty and it is a life changer! Good elimination has increased my quality of life more than I ever imagined. Seriously.

          • That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I literally laughed out loud. My cats all looked at me like I was deranged. My kids already know I am so they didn’t bat an eyelash.

          • wow! I saw that commercial last night and LOL’d so hard I even posted it on FB.. Now I’m having second thoughts…

          • I have totally used a poop stool since I was a teenager. It is the only way I can.

          • I live in Europe and I am very familiar with squatty potties :). They are everywhere in Italy. I have also read the same info you speak of regarding modern toilets. It really make sense.

      • With a 3rd degree tear, the poo I had to do (that rhymes!) Was horrible. I thought I had popped stitches. Ughhhhh. Called the nurse in to look. That’s when I lost my shame.

        • Same here! I can’t tell you how many times I made my poor hubby check to make sure I didn’t pop any stitches. It’s probably why he doesn’t want any more kids.

        • Here’s a tip – raising your feet does help, bot also lean back and rest against the toilet tank. Everything that felt “stuck” just slides out. Tony Randall, the actor, explained it all to Johnny Carson one night ! He’d just replaced his old toilets with “knees up-lean back ” New ones. He was very proud !!

      • OMG, yes! Forgot all about that. Most painful poop I ever had to take! The blood clots were horrible and I thought my uterus was going to fall out of my vagina. TMI, I know… but all true!

      • Yep! Me too… I lied tho. The nurse asked to see it and I said oh was I suppose to save it? I thought I was suppose to dump it/ flush..( they had this plastic thingy attached to toilet )…. I had the worst damn gas when I got home … Now I know why you got to do it before you leave. Painful when your body doesn’t start working right away. Lol it was horrible !

      • /raises hand

        Also had to poop before I could leave. But being lazy and overwhelmed, I was in no hurry to leave the catered nurse-angel babysitters-galore heaven.
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        • Right? I was looking at going home to single mommyhood, so when they told me my little stinker was being selective about his hearing test and we’d have to stay an extra day to see if he passed his left ear test I was not exactly sad

    • HA! I love it. Bring ‘em all in! I could give not a shit!
      Speaking of shit, I am so sorry that you had to show someone your poo.

      • I, too, had to present my poo to the nurses. I was instructed not to flush.

        The massages were the WORST.

        I also couldn’t stand having to describe the size of the clots coming out. I’m apparently supposed to related them to food. “Are they the size of a grape?” “A lemon?” Staring at a clump of gooey afterbirth sunk to the bottom of the toilet doesn’t make me want to imagine my fruit bowl.

        • Ewww I remember having a HUGE clot and having to call the nurse into the bathroom, where she proceeded to chop it up into tiny pieces and make sure other parts of me didn’t fall out. And this is happening while 8 of my family members waited in the room beside me including my uncle who had just returned from Afghanistan. I was just standing there praying no one would ask any questions when I exited the room..

          • What did she chop it up with?? A knife? How big is huge? Nobody told me blood clots looked like your insides fell out! I was expecting little period clots. I freaked out when Mine was a grapefruit but it didn’t have to chopped up!

          • I had some that resembled liver. I don’t eat liver anymore.

      • I have had the pleasure of giving birth both vaginally and via c-section. I tore so bad during the vaginal birth that I was afraid to poop for DAYS after leaving the hospital, and once I finally absolutely had to go, I thought I was being split in two! That was the worst experience!

        Oh, and for baby number two, I was on magnesium, as well. It not only made me sleepy, but HOT!! During labor (20 hours before the c-section, whoo-hoo!) I had three fans on me and the a/c cranked as low as it would go. I remember looking over at my dad sitting on the couch in the hospital room, and he looked like an eskimo because he was so cold. I barely had the gown on, I was asking for another fan!

        And, you forgot to mention that they won’t let you eat anything but ice chips! after nearly a day of nothing but ice chips, I threatened the nurse to bring me food! “Only after the baby is born.” What kind of sick torture is that?

        • The ice chips made more sense the next day when I had an emergency csection and vomited uncontollably until my baby went to college, all because I ate the fucking post birth orange popsicle. NEVER AGAIN.
          Also, explain to me why all the nurses were so worried about my fart status but failed to notice I was in heart failure and the liquids were backing up so badly my vena cava enlarged?

        • Wow, no food?
          In Australia we can bring snacks and things if we choose. Have been told before to bring jelly beans etc for the sugar if needed. I had cheese burgers taken to the hospital for me with my daughter!

          I am so glad I live in a place that lets me really take control of my labour and bubs birth too :)

          • In the US the reason women aren’t allowed to eat before birth in the hospital is more habit than any danger they might face. Women used to be heavily medicated and even knocked out and the doctor would do all the work. They’d wake up a mom and not remember anything. The no eating policy was to prevent them from puking up during the surgery and inhaling the vomit. Now women are trying to have natural births in hospital and this policy hasn’t been adjusted since the 60s. I went the midwife home birth option and was in labor for five days. Had to transfer on the fifth day to a hospital. My midwife left very firm instructions for the doctors and nurses there so I didn’t get as much of these “interventions” as a planned birth would have gotten.

        • Bad medicine. I ate during both my labors. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have had the strength to push. My first labor was 25.5 hours. Had breakfast a nap and lunch. Dinner was after she was born. The no eating rule is outdated. The only reason you shouldn’t eat is if you have general anesthesia for c- section. Since epidurals took over general anesthesia take rule is not needed.

          • I had a homebirth and my midwife brought me all sorts of good fruits and vegetables to eat. She made me a smoothie… it was great bc our other kids were here and someone else was worrying about getting them fed! Then, after I had the baby, like minutes later, she was thrusting a plate full of sausages and dark german beer at me telling me that the B Vitamins will help bring in my milk. I really wasn’t interested in drinking it bc I was enamored with my little baby, but I did so and, a fdew days later, on top of breastfeeding, I was pumping a couple cups a day! If our freezer in the garage hadn’t gone out and spoilt them, I would have donated all that milk to the local hospital…

          • I wasn’t able to eat solids for over 13 hours. They continually offered me popsicles but the problem was I also had gestational diabetes and couldn’t have the damn sugar. I think I had 4 bowls of chicken broth in 13 hours of labor. You can imagine my energy level at hour 13.

          • No eating here either. I was in labor for 36 hours, about 24 of them in the hospital, and literally the second my son was out I had my friends run to Denny’s (24-hour breakfast place) and get me the biggest order on the damn menu. If there’s a next time, I’m bringing food. I don’t care. Starving on top of contractions and being tired? Yeah no thanks.

        • I totally relate.. I hadn’t eaten for a day while I watched the clock timing my contractions yelling oww it hurts every time. when I wentt to the hospital and waited..waited..waited and was told I can’t eat in case of a c section I was so hungry! Turns out I needed a c section as my son wouldn’t ‘drop’ to position. I just wanted out at that point when a nurse tells me I might not be in ‘real’ labor and should wait.. ha!

        • This made me laugh so hard I woke up the kids. They were trying to stop my labor so they put me on mag sulfate. That stuff is of the devil. I don’t handle medicine well – my body just does ALL the bad side effects, but the medicine never does what it’s supposed to do. The nurse told me they had me on double the dose they normally give to stop contractions.

          It was late July. In Florida. And I was 28 weeks pregnant and on magnesium. I thought I would sweat to death, but the nurses would walk in and instantly get goose bumps. My poor husband was a popsicle.

          I couldn’t roll over or talk or drink from a straw without drooling because of the mag. My husband has pictures and stories. The worst though was that the mag made me sick on my stomach. I was hungry though and knew the baby needed nutrients so I tried to eat a banana. BAD idea when you can’t roll over or move if you need to puke. I have not been able to eat a banana in nearly 9 years. All because of the mag sulfate.

        • I had the magnesium. It does make you extremely hot. I didn’t get ice chips or anything to eat or drink because they didn’t want the fluid to surround my heart. That started happening anyway, so I was thirsty and irritated and not all that healthy at that point!

    • I’m pretty impressed with the whole only farting thing as well. I also had to poop & shout it to the nurses’ station.

      • I had 2 vaginal deliveries the second of which the epidural did not work! So pretty much unmedicated he was a whopping 9 lbs 8 oz!! There was tearing so while the Dr was stitching me up she laughed while saying just how bad my hemorrhoids looked! I ofcourse was expected to report when I had a bowel movement before I could go home too. But then I didn’t poop for almost a week despite all of the colace I was told to take! The day my son turned a week old I was in surgery for my hemorrhoids and anal fishers. Which believe me is way worse than delivering a almost ten pound bowling ball! Try pooping after that…then came the request for me to report my fart LOL

        • Me too with the hemorrhoids UGGH!! 4 babies the 1st being 9 lbs 11oz #2 was 8lbs 9oz #3 was 7lbs 8oz and #4 was 7 lbs 14 oz. all vaginal all tears. I had to report my poop with all but the youngest. The hemorrhoid surgery was HORRIBLE with the youngest mine were so big I couldn’t sit without sitting on it they were the size of walnuts at least. And, at 1 week postpartum…ughh I had the tear epair the hemorrhoid surgery and my tubes tied with # 4 so my belly hurt too, the nurses said the tubal surgery is more painful than an actual c-section?? anyone know if this is true? It was freaking horrible though I felt like I was sliced and diced. 3 months later now though and, I’m all better :) life does eventually go on.

          • My OB said this is true and my friend who had her tubes tied after her c-section said it was torture for months.

          • I had two c-sections. I knew we were done after our second child and thought about getting my tubes tied. Another mom at my son’s school had her fourth a few months before I was due and she had her tubes tied. Watching her walk all hunched over and in pain made me decide there was no way I would go through that. She had been fine with the other c-sections and it took about a month for her to be able to walk upright after the last. There was no way I was going to voluntarily sign up for an optional procedure that would prevent me from getting back on my feet right away. I was on my feet within two days with both of my c-sections. Walked a few miles a week after the second was born.

          • Well, I’ve not had a tubal but the gas they use to inflate your abdomen up off your organs can migrate putting pressure on your diaphragm which causes bad referred pain into your shoulders. It’s exhaustingly painful in some cases because it’s SO continuous and the pain meds don’t seem to touch it. I’m an OB/GYN RN so I had a great time reading all your posts. I was however appalled at the one where they didn’t pick up the 3rd spacing of fluids causing a congestive issue. I had that after a surgery and they were weighing me every couple of hours to make sure the diuretic was working to take the fluids off. I had a moderate case of congestive heart failure from it. Don’t know why it happened. You guys crack me up!! Keep up the great comments.

      • Yeah, the pooping…
        I got so determined to poop that I sat on the toilet, of course popping out clots like a champ, with my knees propped like I was in labor, doing my breathing and bearing down exercises (thus allowing me a break from the whole “massage” bit) with myself, my partner, my two best friends, my little sister, my mother and grandmother (and the baby breast feeding on my lap) all hanging out in there watching me in my Olympian efforts to negotiate with God for a bowel movement. Yeah… that was fun…

        Then the 6 weeks of post-partum bleeding…. ughhhhhhhhh
        Veronica C recently posted..Fear and ClingingMy Profile

        • I would have loved to bleed for only 6 weeks. I bled every day for three months after my baby was born, having to check with the doctor every two weeks just to be sure it wasn’t delayed hemorrhaging. If I never have another period it will be too soon!

    • All three of my kids, had to go poop before being allowed to leave. With my 1st they thought she was going to be breach, so had cut me wide open..vaginally and through the anal opening and what seemed to be half way up my back, but guess it ended at the crack..lol.. but they didn’t sew it up right, so with the 2nd one they removed scar tissue and cut it and sewed it again. I had stitches through my anus. And Helga the Horrible for a nurse. She made me drink prune juice the day I delivered, since I had not had an enema before delivery. I still have hemrrhoids to this day. Thanks Helga.

    • I’ve said often that the Pope could have walked into the delivery room at the height of my delivery, with everything on display, and I wouldn’t have cared any less unless he could scrub in and help get that kid out of my body.

    • I told the midwife when she asked if an intern could come in and observe, “I don’t care if the Trojan band comes in!” And then the intern enters, sees everything between my legs because I’m having a baby (duh) and turns his head to the wall. “Sorry, doc, but that’s where the action is. I actually laughed at him. But eventually, he and my husband became my stirrups because at the Rosie Maternity Hospital in Cambridge, England, you gave birth in a hospital bed (no stirrups) with a midwife in attendance (doctors only showed up if you were in trouble or to give the epidural.)

    • omg hell ya. I didnt care who the heck was in the room. Like I gave a crap by then! The only other thing I would add to this is when the nice nurses come into your room and say ‘Im going to check your flow’…. okay, go ahead I guess…. then TADA they pull open the front of your undies (mesh, I might add) and proceed to peek in there to check the padding. You lay there in utter shock the first time it happens. After that you go to whatever place it is your mind takes you while having a pap smear, etc. But the first time, oh that’s a real joy. You wanna ask, but don’t wanna ask, if you ‘passed the test’ or not. You just want to roll over and make all the bad things go away..

    • IKR i wish all we had to do was fart to leave… they made me poop before i left with both kids!

    • Hilarious!! I was 20 years old when my first child was born and he was sent to the NICU because of breathing issues. The nurses felt the need to occupy my time so I became the nursing students entertainment. “Do you mind if they look”…no shame…Sure!
      The best of all was my desire to be a “good” mother and breastfeed. I was going to have to pump and this was before lactation consultants. The ONLY person that knew how to use the huge blue pump that made me feel like a cow was….you guessed it….a MALE nursing student!! No shame….flop that sucker out so he can show me how.
      It’s been 21 years but your messages are EXACTLY how I remember it…showing poop and ALL!!!!

    • I remember being holed up in the bathroom after delivery, “enjoying” a relaxing sitz bath when my doctor poked her head in and said to me: “Make sure to poop before we let you go!” This was day 1 of 3. The shear terror I felt as she said the words: “poop before we let you go” has never been matched!

    • Yes, the PS. Unfortunately, nobody told me how quickly the softener would work. The (ahem) urge came on just as LO started clamoring to nurse (which was also not going well). It’s hard to say which I was more afraid of…

    • This post made me laugh so hard I thought I would share my story.

      I just had my 4th baby over a year and a half ago. My other 3 were all vaginal and went great – delivered all with in 4 hours but had tearing with each one. Ice was my best friend – that and waddling around. I went to the bathroom around 2-3 days after fine. It took over a month to even try to walk straight. I felt like I was sitting on a porcupine down there urg…

      I was hoping the same would go for my 4th but nope. I was induced for the first time – and had to wait for 10 hour of nothingness after my water broke. They had those straps on me (to monitor the baby’s heart beat) but she kept moving so the doctor decided to try something else. They stuck this “probe” up me they would stick on the baby’ head. I was like errr ok? The minute (and I mean the minute) they stuck that thing on her head she popped out! The doctor just looked shocked! The amazing part was I barley tore – but you cant have it that easy if you have a baby can you? Nope of course something bad had to happen. After I was stitched a little she stuck an Advil laxative of my butt to help with the cramps….but I’m allergic to Advil. They then had to flip me over and dig with an instrument to catch it. That and a million fingers. I seriously went home feeling anally raped the next day.
      I will never get over that =P

    • I remember hearing about some nutty woman who wanted a bunch of people at her birth, but by the time they decided to do a caesarian, I’d been fully dilated and pushing for 7.5 hours, and I wouldn’t have cared who lined the walls of the birthing center room! After I had the baby (my first), when my doctor came to check me, he insisted I had to put on my bra. Problem was that a) I had no modesty left, especially in front of him, and b) I hadn’t realized that two days after I gave birth my breasts would be so much bigger, so my nursing bra didn’t fit anymore.

      I was required to poop before I could leave the hospital. The nurse told me the doctor would release me early, but I should tell him I wanted to stay and rest. I couldn’t WAIT to leave, so I ordered oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, and then took a walk around the halls for as long as it took for the urge to poop to come over me. I then insisted that the nurse come look at my poop, and the doctor released me (yeah!).

  2. I could not have said this better myself!! Such a good laugh. Thank you!! And Julie, I had the same situation too ;)

    • What is with all the poop showing?! Did I have to do that and I’ve just blocked it out?

      • I never had to fart or poop on demand. I also don’t get the post-partum pooping. I’ve never heard of anyone having a problem with it before and, believe me, my friends and I have shared every gross birth story we’ve had so it would’ve come up.

        • After you’ve had anesthesia and then are given painkillers, things slow down. Way down. As in, digestion stops. Then you start eating again. They want to make sure things are working the way they’re supposed to, that all systems are slowly but steadily working. I never knew of anyone who had to show it, but everyone I ever knew was asked to let the nurses know that they had moved their bowels before discharge. Also, unless you’ve had a csection, the passing gas isn’t an issue. That’s a post-op thing, not a postpartum thing.

          • I had two vaginal births in the hospital and was asked if I had farted as well as pooped before they would discharge me. They took my word for it, though :)

            After baby #2 (same hospital, so I’m not sure what changed), they put this little plastic tray thing in the toilet, and I had to pee in it and then alert the nurses so they could check that I had peed a certain amount in the first 24 hours after birth. At that point they tossed the plastic thing, but later another nurse got pissy with me that I wasn’t still peeing in it. I told her I was more than 24 hours postpartum, at which point she realized her mistake. I have no idea what that was about because I didn’t have to do that the first time.

          • True, because the anesthesia builds up gases in the tissues.

          • Yeah…I had to let both nurses for both of my kids know if I farted because they both were c-sections….one born in an army hospital where at one point I asked the medic who was on his 5th attempt at an IV if I could just do it because before marrying my husband I was a paramedic in the real world. My son though….well let’s just say that with my spinal (epidurals did not work at all on me – as evidenced by the pinch test with daughter where my OB’s only sound was “ouch?! What do you mean ouch?!?”) but my spinal sites…yes plural SITES – one could play connect the dots with…I really began to freak out when I heard a resident say “I think it hit the bone..the needles bent” of course all before the anesthesiologist stepped in and got it on the first shot.

        • I had a completely unmedicated birth (not on purpose, but because I progressed too fast) and the post-partum poop was horrendous. Luckily, I had been warned and was at home, but despite the stool softener regime I had been put on in the hospital, it was actually worse than giving birth. I swore I was going to tear my stitches out.

          • I also had the exact same problem with my first baby. But with my second it was pretty smooth sailing and had none of those problems.

      • I didnt have to poop before I left the hospital.

  3. I can pinpoint the moment my shame was gone. During my first (water broke early morn and a week early), I went from 4 cm to 10 moments after the epidural took effect and the catheter was inserted. The nurse looked surprised – never a good thing – and had me take position to push. Like a good little patient, I did just that and – lo and behold – I had a BM right there on the table. Twice. The icing on the cake was that my husband’s best friend (single bachelor at the time) had come to visit and became trapped on the little love seat in the room. Escaping would have required walking past my gaping vagina and pile of poo. He ended up huddling on the couch till it was over. I think, for the sake of preserving his attraction to women, he made the right decision.

    • Oh lordy,that is a good one. You ruined that poor man.

    • EVERY woman poops when she pushes a baby out of her vagina. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. It’s what happens when 8 lbs of baby comes squeezing his way out of a very small space.

      • I am one of the fortunate (and apparently rare) women who did not have a BM while giving birth. :)

        • Someone lied to you. lol Its impossible to have a natural birth and not go

          • I did not have a BM either. I had 14 ppl in the room. One of them was bound to tell me when I asked.

          • I`ve given birth twice and didn’t poop during delivery. Absolutely no reason to lie about it! I was under the impression it was inevitable also and was terrified but out came babies and no poops!! I am pregnant with my third now so we will see how this goes :) hoping three for three but who knows!!

          • It is in fact possible to not poop while pushing a baby out. Especially when you haven’t eaten in over 36 hours because you were induced on a Monday and the baby’s didn’t want to come until Wednesday. Yeah that’s right I was on pitocin for 36 hrs before my baby decided he wanted to show up.

          • I have 8 kids, used a birthing mirror and watched myself give birth. Never pooped with any of mine during delivery. Although my DR likes to use an enema early in labor so I am all cleaned out ahead of time.

          • I had a vaginal birth with an epidural and watched with a mirror. I didn’t defecate. Not EVERY woman does.

          • I had two vaginal births and didn’t poop for either one. I asked both my husband and the L&D nurses. I’d be surprised if both lied to me for both babies. Both times I had diarrhea in early labor (see #10 about shame), so I probably had nothing left to poop out.

          • With my first I pooped just before my water broke and we left for the hospital. I know because we had the mirror set up. I have no idea with second two, but I don’t think I did. I also didn’t have to poop before I could leave but my second and third had to pass the meconium before we could eave the hospital. The last one was born at noon. We were still waiting for the baby to be discharged at 7pm the next day.

          • Nope, not a lie! When I had my first child, they still gave enemas. So, I did not poop with my first kid. They used to also shave your hooha back then, too. So I was shaved and poopless. HOWEVER, a nurse WAS there when I had to poop. She stayed with me the entire time. Awkward.

            I also never had the chance of getting an epidural. I walked 2 miles to my doctors office that morning (stopping at Green Green Burrito on the way) for my weekly check and she informed me I was already in labor and asked if I could make it to the hospital across the street. I was like, “Yeah, sure not an issue!” and cried the whole way there, I wasn’t ready. Checked myself in, and still felt fine. I went from 3 cm dilated to 10 within, literally seconds. Nurse comes in and checks me… says, “If you feel the need to Poop, press the button, that means its time.” And she turned around to leave the room and I felt the need to poop. I told her and she shook her head, looking annoyed at me… Comes over the check and her face was “WTF”, Alright 10 CM, time to go. I felt I had to push they kept telling me not to, but one nurse said it was ok. I wasn’t in pain but I knew my body needed to push, not hold back… I wasn’t prepped or ready to go. My OBGYN wasn’t even at the hospital yet.

            So, they said I was crowning, told me to lift up my bottom so they could slide a bag under my bottom to catch the mess. Soon as I lifted up my butt the baby slide on out. I walked a lot and my OBGYN said this made it easy on me.

            Now, second baby, 9 years later and they didn’t shave (thank goodness I hate the itching) and I kept begging for an enema. They said they don’t give them anymore. I had been constipated leading up to delivery, but alas, my baby was born and I pooped at the exact same time. So, I pooped on my baby. I was mortified my husband had to witness it, at first. But now? It is what it is. You are bearing down and if you have not recently pooped, it is inevitable.

          • You are hilarious. I love that because you pooped you assume it is impossible not to. I’ve had 2 natural births and watched both with a mirror at the foot of the bed. No pooping either time. Sorry for your luck chuck. LOL

          • I think it depends on the size of the baby as to weather or not someone poops during delivery. I gave birth 4 times and only did once. It was with my 2nd child who came out weighing 9lb 14oz. while my other 3 children were right around 7 lbs.

          • As a labour delivery nurse not all women poo on the delivery table but most do and never know it. Most practitioners are pretty good about keeping it concealed with the sponges (disposable cloths) as it comes out. As gross as it sounds there is scientific evidence that it is good for babies to be delivered through the vagina which is next to the anus and therefore poo to be exposed to the poo before anything else in the real world. All about the flora that helps babies develop immunity and prevent infections.

          • I had my kids in the early 70’s and in those days we were all prepped with an enema and a shave. The enema emptied the bowel so there was no BM on the delivery table.

          • I watched my sister give birth. There was no poop. She had 5 babies, and there was never poop. I had 1, no poop.

          • No poop during delivery of my first, that gem came later in my hospital room. I called the nurse in to help me up to the bathroom, but as soon as I stood, I lost all control of, well everything…pooped and peed all over myself, in front of my mother-in-law and the nurse! Couldn’t hold a fart in for over a month, all those visitors to see our first…it was mortifying!

          • After the recommended castor oil the day before, there was no poop.

          • I didnt poop during labor either, but thats because i had pretty awful bowel movements BEFORE i went to the hospital. and i never had to fart or poop before i left. But my post partum poop was. awwwfullllll……

          • I have had 7 natural births. Only pooped on 2.

            The last one being the funniest. I was having an enducement. I was pushing away, and said here she comes. I pooped.

            So I quipped up…thats not her, hold on a second, and promptly pushed her out.

            They midwife was laughing her guts up! The doc…well..she was trying to hide it, but you could see it in her eyes.

        • That must be why 30 years ago you had to have an enema when the nurses were checking you in. Right after they shaved you with a poodle cut. Then the postpartum ingrown hair that I made my husband lance and clean – absolutely no modesty left.

        • My Aunty was preparing me for child birth and I can’t thank her enough. She enlightened me to all the unimaginable events that were about to change my life forever. “First piece of advise eat lots of fibre and have a bm before you go into full blown labor, huni it’s bad enough that at least 5 people are going to see you hoo hoo expand 9 cm the last thing you want is to have them watch you have a bm to.” That was all I could think about when I went into labour my water had broke and it was definitely time to go to the hospital but I wasn’t budging till I had that bm. With my second he was coming out fast I arrived at the hospital was brought straight to the birthing rooms and this very sweet young inexperienced nurse asks me if I would like to bounce on a exercise ball, it helps the baby ease in to the birth canal. I was 8cm dilated no drugs cause my labour was progressing so fast and I said no thank you. 10 min later she asks me again and I snapped and said huni why don’t you bounce on the ball in case you hadn’t noticed this baby is having no problems easing into the birth canal. I felt so bad afterward.

        • I didn’t have a bm while giving birth

      • I did not poo, either. I really wanted to know if I did, too, so I asked both the doctor and my husband, separately. Both of them said I didn’t. My husband watched the entire thing and he said that if I had pooped, he might not have been able to watch our baby be born. Of course, I only had to push a few times so that was maybe part of it.

      • That is not true.

      • I had a 3 day pitocin labor with no food. There was nothing left to poop. They gave epidural, I fell asleep, they woke me up to push- 4 pushes and done.

      • I didn’t have a BM either and I had a vaginal birth as well, but I was in labor for three days so maybe there was no BM to be had because of my liquid diet….

      • My baby weighted 13lbs at birth. I didn’t poop DURING birth, I pooped like 3 tons of goo two hours after it, I had a sudden surge of diarrhea, couldn’t move because I was pumped full with epidural drugs and stuff, didn’t have time to call somebody to help me, and I reaaaally couldn’t hold it in. So I lost my shame on the hospital bed…
        By the way: they let me sit in it a while, then only vaguely scrubbed me “clean” and changed the upper sheets only, and I had to wait 30h to take a shower. Yayyy. Hello family and friends, yes I stink because I shat myself!

      • I didnt have a BM either… I watched my ENTIRE twin vaginal delivery in a mirror…if it would have happened I would have seen it….. I was grateful it didnt…not everyone does.

      • Not every single woman poops during delivery. I did not pooped while pushing my daughter out and I know other woman that didn’t poop either. However it is very common and completely normal.

      • Nope. I didn’t poop, and no woman in my family has ever pooped while giving birth. It might be due to our love for clean eating and whole grains. :-)My sister has 5 kids (no drugs so C-sections) and not a single pooping incident. It does happen, but by no means does it happen to every single woman.

      • Thats not true, not everyone poops…but it was my biggest fear!! But when u go into labor on ur own (no induction), ur body has a funny way of preparing itself for delivery. W/ my first baby I was in labor for 44hrs. During probably hour 5-20 i ended up having diarrhea. I was a little confused by this bcuz i hadnt been eating or drinking. The nurse told me it was my bodies way of preparing itself for birth. She also told me it wouldnt b long now…little did i know i was still 20hrs out. When it finally came time to push, i was horrified. The birthing class didn’t prepare me for what it was gonna feel like when it was “time”. The pressure from the babies head leaves u feeling like ur about to take the bigget dump of ur life. I tried to push while kegeling to keep from defacating. That was my ‘no shame’ moment. I decided i was gonna push w/ everything i had & warned my midwife i was probably gonna blow poop right thru the wall 6ft bhind her. “That’s fine, lets do it” she said. My husband moved down there to help deliver our baby & i cried cuz i didn’t wamt him seeing that. But in the end, i didn’t poop. And it wasnt just everybody telling me i hadn’t, i saw thru the mirror. So there’s a very good chance if ur body takes u thru the motions of preparing for delivery, it will rid itself of the waste bforehand. Regardless tho it does happen & its nothing anybody in L&D hasnt seen!!

      • Not true. I was at a friend’s labor and delivery to document with photos, and she didn’t have a BM. I watched every minute of the action that went down, and it didn’t happen. So don’t say every single one!

      • Not true. I delivered 10 babies, at home, in my own bed. Only 1 time, poop came out when I was pushing the baby out.

      • Not every woman poops while giving birth. Although, It’s very common and nothing to be ashamed of.

      • I had two vaginal deliveries and didn’t poop on the table. I know because my ex was there the whole time. He told everyone after that my butthole turned inside out (idiot…it was a hemhoroid)…so I’m certain he would have mentioned my pooping on the table.

      • I didn’t have a bm when I had my son vaginally. One of my friends tried to tell me I must not have realized…but no, I am for sure! My mother and father where holding both of my legs – as sensitive as they were during the delivery, they would have told me post-delivery…trust me! LOL

      • My four children were all born vaginally without epidurals, and I only pooped with my first. Thankfully my hubby was using the washroom at the time. I was petrified it would happen again, but it never has. Hoping it won’t this time either since I am planning a water birth.

      • I didn’t eat for over 24 damn hours. My husband wouldn’t let me eat before we went to the hospital telling me they would feed me when I get there. Nope! Once in active labor there is no food for you! UUUUHHHHH! However. I didn’t poop at all! And my dh said he is glad he starved me. He wouldn’t be able to ever look at me again if I had pooped in front of everyone.

      • Not every woman. I certainly did not. And understandable because all I had eaten in 13 hours was chicken broth. My husband watched the whole thing and wouldn’t lie to me.

      • No true. I took 2oz of castor oil at the onset of my labour and everything I ate that day went right through me then I didn’t eat for over 24 hours before I pushed my baby out so I was completely empty.

      • I didn’t. I just found out I’m pregnant with my second, and I have been looking at articles and such. One was on how to prevent pooping during birth. I didn’t even know it was possible! So now I’m freaking out thinking it’s going to happen this time.

      • I too was one of the lucky ones I guess. I never had a bowel movement when delivering. Nor did I tear or have to be cut. I was incredibly lucky. I also never had to show any bowel movements or inform the staff that I had passed gas. I had a vaginal birth and was only in labor from start to finish for 13 hours. I had my daughter at 1:56 in the afternoon and was home by 9:00 AM the next morning. I guess I was really one of the lucky ones. WHEW! Can’t believe that I dodged so many bullets. I also only bleed for 2 days after delivery and never had a problem going to the bathroom after. I guess I am fortunate. I am counting my blessings believe me. I also had a natural child birth. No drugs at all. So maybe that is why I had so little problems after the delivery of my daughter. However, do not think that my welcome to the world to my darling daughter was so wonderful. I delivered on 9/11/01, a few hours after the second plane hit WTC. The staff would come into my room to check me and then ask how I was doing, them completely ignore me and watch the television in my room to see what was going on. It was a crazy, horrific, yet wonderful day for my family. And of course to this day I get asked when I have to tell people my daughters date of birth…. “Oh, did that make you go into labor?” No I was already in labor. None the less my mother said to me that day…. “Of all the days to have a child you pick today!” Really mom, I ;t don’t think that I had a choice, she was ready to meet the world.

    • Everyone dumps while pushing, it’s no big deal. But normally the nurses clean that away, right away, with the chux pads. I’m shocked your nurses just left a pile of feces there.

    • My good doctor was anxious to get to a Christmas party, dressed in his finest holiday sweater, when he came to check on my progress.
      He said push, I pooped all over his sweater, all shame gone.
      I justify it by telling myself he asked for it – literally.

      • Good for you! LOL!

      • Oh! My! Gosh! I’m crying. Literally. Tears running down my face. There’s a reason I love adoption. :)

      • Hahaha!! Right after my daughter was born (I didn’t poop either, although I was petrified of doing it) my OB was stitching up an internal vaginal tear and showing the student (why is there ALWAYS a student?) what to do, when he leaned in closer at the same time my doctor decided to press down on my uterus, and WHAMMO, he got showered with blood. Of course, I didn’t have my glasses on at the time so I didn’t see what happened, but I heard my doctor telling him, “Whoops, sorry about that, I guess it is definitely your lab coat now! (He had borrowed one)

    • Oh jasmine I just died laughing.

    • Same thing happened to too. I had about 20 people in my delivery room. My dad held right foot and my sister held my left. I had no clue i pooped while deliverying my child until afterwards. Its now a running joke in my family.. haha

    • My shame was gone with my first one as a c-section. The second time I knew it was truly gone was my VBAC. My contractions never got more than 3 minutes apart, so after every push, it was seven people staring at my hooha while I made awkward jokes. FOR 45 minutes! When seven people stare at your vagina that long, I asked my doc if he minded next time buying me dinner first. lol

    • OMG, Jasmine, you made me almost pee in my pants reading your birth story!

      I had 2 C-sections, so no pooping during delivery for me. But a few days after my first was born, I was visiting her in the NICU, and someone told me that Percocet can make you very constipated. I stopped taking it there and then! After my second was born, I took Percocet for 24 hours and then just stuck with the ibuprofen.

    • You made a man out of him!

    • Omg. Tears are streaming down my face and I sound like an asthmatic donkey. HYSTERICAL.

    • I am expecting my first in October, and while these stories are entertaining, they are also terrifying!!!! Not sure how I’m going to get through this.

      • its going to be ok! as long as you have a good ob and you stress your fears they should make you very comfortable. i was very fortunate to have a great ob. Dr. Dawn Phelps. best birthing experience ever had and ive had five

      • Don’t worry it’ll be fine! It’s all scary stories but it’s all “forgotten” pretty quickly.
        I had a nearly 40hr labor and yes I totally pooped while pushing but whatever at that point and time I really didn’t care!
        I immediately asked for some stool softners and took them religiously – definitely do that – it made the post partum first poop not bad at all and I had stitches!!!

      • Amanda, I’m right there with you!! I’m expecting my first in August, and it all sounds terrifying!!! I suppose it’s good to know that so many women ahead of us have done this successfully!

    • Oh dear…. I’ve giggled throughout this entire blog, having experienced most of this myself, but your post made me belly laugh!!

    • oh,,,I thought my husband was going to never touch me again. 18 hours back labor and poopin. and screaming. and cussing. it was the end of my shame too. then the doc had to put a suction cup on the baby’s head to pull him out. Told me to grab the bedframe and he went to the doorway and pulled the “rope” until my son popped out.
      Thought I would tear in half. Crap.
      Then DD was born w/ 2 hrs labor. We lived 1 hour from hospital. 1/2 way there the baby started to crown. Told husband he needed to stop and help. He said NO the baby is NOT coming now…and drove like 100 miles an hour to get me there. Then he parked about 500 yards from the entrance. and let me walk…to the er. I saw a nurse come running to me from the entrance with a wheelchair. Picked me up off the ground of the parking lot, put me in the chair and RAN to the entrance. I remember people who were waiting outside smoking jumping out of our way. It was NUTs.

  4. The postpartum poop was scarier for me than actually having the baby.
    The Waiting recently posted..Cee the ArtisteMy Profile

    • There is an awesome little product called a Ducolax suppository. Dynamite. My dear sweet mother in law went to the store to get that for me. Day 3 home, after a 3 day stay after a 23 hour labor and a C-Section. That little bit of dy-no-mite fixed me up!! Advice, lots and lots of water, take stool softeners twice a day, and do not wait in agony to try to go to the bathroom. Ask your doc ahead of time, if you don’t go in a reasonable amount of time, see if they recommend the suppository.

  5. Oh man, this really brings it all back. I can’t believe I did this twice. Never again. And this manages to be funny through the horror – so kudos for that! hahah
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    • I know –I’m so glad I had twins. I don’t know how anyone does this more than once. Heroes! All of you!

      • Oh the memories you just brought back. Sooo forgot about those lovely mesh panties….my twins are 19..they were my 1st pregnancy and a vaginal delivery. I spent 6 weeks in the hospital in pre term labor. I went from being so shy I’d cry to having 30 something people in the delivery room.

        The I REALLY lost my mind…and when the twins were 7 had another baby. I swore I was done.

        Then God laughed at me..and I had a 4th.

        All vaginal delivery. 2 un medicated…You C section gals are my heroes..that thought still scares me
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      • My mom knew none of this beforehand and was completely unprepared for 36 hours of labor without any drugs in a military hospital in the 70’s when she had my brother. During her labor they brought in another woman to share the room. When my mom heard her say it was her 5th baby (and delivery), she said her only thought was “how stupid are you that you would ever do this more than once?”!! LOL! My mom was serious too when she told my dad after delivery that he better name their son after himself because that was the last baby she was having…..that’s why I’m adopted!! ;-)

        Just recently spent 24 hours in a hospital waiting room/labor-delivery room with my sister-in-law who was having their third. It only reassured me that if I ever do decide to have children, I’ll be happy following my mom’s lead, with adoption. LOL

  6. I’m ever so grateful for having been unconscious during my c-section. When I heard someone say “general anesthesia” I practically cried with relief.

    • Wow! I had to listen to my doctors talk about skiing the whole time they were cutting into me.

      • Ha! Mine were all chatting about golf and which of the other nurses/docs were knocked up again :) I was thinking “well, I guess if their chill with it, all must be good!” (Clearly on drugs at this point!) great post!

        • Lucky, I woke up during my emergency C-section to inform my surgeon that I could wiggle my toes. When asked and demonstrated this relearned trick I heard the worst words one could from their surgeon.

          “Oh shit..” Next thing I know a mask was over my mouth knocking me out. Later I found out I am not a nice patient when drugged down and refused to let the nurses touch me to transfer me from gurney to bed and did it on m own.

          I didn’t have the pain after except when I coughed. They did measure my pee (which sucked) and I got the spray thing too. At that point my shame was gone after already spending 2 weeks in the hospital, with the first week having every doctor in attendance check my cervix what seemed every five minutes.

          I started screening doctors based on hand size. My daughter is now 10 and has no siblings… Ever..

      • I had a med student pass out during my c-section. CRASH is not something you want to hear when you’re on the operating table!

        • I soaked the med student with my first born when the pulled my sons sholders husband ruined his wallet. With my second they didn’t have time to break my water and my first push was my water breaking…all over the nurse.

        • OMG!! I really laughed at your comment. True, not what you expect to hear though.
          I’ve been reading all the others, horror stories, and wondering how I got so lucky. I’m small, but never (in 7 times) had a baby even 7 lbs. I think the size of the baby has a lot to do with all that trauma, pain, suffering, and just plain misery. I had all natural births ( not without drugs tho) and never had anything that’s been described here. I feel so sorry for the rest of you….seriously.

  7. Hey, I didn’t see you there at the birth of my twins, sorry I missed you! Because it’s clear you were RIGHT THERE the whole time – in the bathroom, in the shower, behind the nurse who inserted my laxative because I wasn’t, um… moving along fast enough. I sent this post to a friend who’s pregnant and keeps insisting these things won’t happen to her, it was just me because I had twins. Oh, sweetie…

    • Can we agree that none of those nurses or nurse’s aides get paid anywhere near enough money for what they do? Inserting laxatives and washing other people’s vaginas…for crying out loud…

      • I agree!! I looked at the nurse like she was crazy when she sat me Down on the toilet and then proceeded to squat down in between my legs to “hose me down”.

        • At least I knew what to expect the second time. The first time I was so surprised! But we were old friends at that point, joking about how the bathroom floor looked like a crime scene because I had bled everywhere.

          Those people really are not paid enough, and they are AWESOME.

      • OMG, I was just thinking that. I’ve always been somewhat afraid of giving birth, but I’ve always been mortally afraid of doing anything medical. Newp, couldn’t be a doctor, HELL newp, couldn’t be a nurse.

        Well, my first is due in September. Can’t wait to experience these joys … XD

      • Amen! With my second child I was in the delivery room, all alone, thank goodness and during a contraction I pooped myself! OMG! I was so embarrassed! One of the nurses stopped, cleaned me up, patted me on the leg and walked on! I had had an enema but guess that bit was missed. Yeah they don’t get paid enough! Talk about losing your dignity!

    • Never remind laxatives and suppositories! I was given a fleet enima which is basically a nurse sticking a huge tube up your butt and shooting about a litre of fluid through it! And them there’s trying to hold it in for 10 minutes and walking to the bathroom pinching your cheeks together to keep anything from coming out too soo, all while moving slowly due to recovering from a csection.

  8. I can’t speak for the C-section part, but the rest is 100% spot on! I asked all of my girlfriends, “Why in the hell didn’t you bitches tell me the truth about what happens AFTER you have the kid?!?” The “icepack” maxi pad is a another pure joy…to put on your foxy lady diaper panties!

    • EXACTLY. That’s why I wrote this! My girlfriends and I were sitting around talking about it and we were all like, “No one told me!! Why didn’t anyone tell me!”

      By the way, ice pack + vajayjay = no thank you.

      • Loved reading this! It’s all so true! I had a complicated and scary vaginal delivery with my second child resulting in 3rd degree tears but thankfully a healthy baby! I could barely walk but the worst part was trying to sit down. So I was all about ice packs down there. They saved me that first week! Oh and the little donut they gave me to sit on was a life saver too!

      • That ice pack on the vajayjay felt better than an orgasm after the bearing it took giving birth! Thanks so much for this great writing…. My kids may be 17 and 14 now, but I remember it like it was yesterday!

      • Ice pack + vajayjay = heaven after the beating it takes during delivery! My kids are teenagers now but I remember the burning pain like it was yesterday! Sits baths and ice packs (Percocet was also welcomed) were the bomb!

      • Well, since I learned a bunch about c-sections I didn’t know, here’s a little vaginal delivery tidbit. Icy cold ladybits may sound like torture, but after you’ve torn your vagina up so much that your doctor says, “I’m not quite sure how you go back together.”, an icy vagina is heavensent. What a wonderful nurse will do is fill a hospital glove with ice and place it on your nethers, and it will feel like the hand of love numbing you into sweet, sweet bliss. Which, it turns out, is a nice relief from the hellfire you were previously experiencing on your most delicate body parts.

        • OMG, Katy – this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read!!!! I was one of those lucky gals, too, who tore it right up. I did not get a donut, and I didn’t even hear about the “hand of love” until way after. I did get a bottle of some sort of medicated spray. I’m sure the relieving power of the spray and the ice packs is the reason I agreed to Round Two…!

        • yes, when they spend more time sewing you back up than you did pushing, ice is the best thing ever, no matter where they have to stick it lol

      • Some of you are fortunate to live in the 21st century giving birth. With my first born, I lost my shame when I had to bare my butt with a heat lamp on it for the stitches and healing. I had an enema before both of my first 2 pregnancies. I swear the nurse put 2 feet of tubing up my butt and told me to lay there as long as possible, then within 5 min., I had to go, then trying to get to the bathroom and pinching the cheeks together while have a contraction and amniotic fluid running down my leg, and oh yeah, trying to drag my i.v. bag carrier. So yes, would have been nice to know a lot of this info. before hand. But, I never had a bowel movement on the table while giving birth, even with my third child. Nature took it’s course before I delivered with no intervention of an enema.

        • Sounds like my first one Sheri! Now days labor seems to be nothing! With my daughter they gave me some kind of gas. That was back in 68! Kinda reminds me of what I get at the dentist only heavier! I was given that when I went into delivery! Labor was horrible, no pain relievers at all!! And I had 3 more!!!

    • When I had my kids they still used the belts and ‘napkins’! UGH! I hated those things because the belt was pressed into your back as you laid down.
      I had one baby ‘natural’ and the other by C-section. I still think the C-section was better. Sitz baths were SO undignified. Squirting hot water into your hoo-ha was something I never want to do again.

      • Well, unfortunately as a 3 time c/s mama, they now give sitz baths to us, too. Every single time I’ve had the lovely nurse squirting at my lady bits the first time I went to pee. I remember the amazement of the foxy lady mesh underpants and the squirt bottle with baby #1. Why don’t they tell you this stuff?

        I definitely lost my shame in the hospital with baby #1. I could care less who sees what anymore, lol. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve fallen asleep while visiting my parents with a boob hanging out of my shirt after nursing while god knows who walks by.

        Loved this post!
        Stephanie Pass recently posted..#SmellcometoManhood – Learning to Scent Responsibly with Old SpiceMy Profile

  9. What a great post. I always joke and say they tore me a new one. At the time it’s so not funny. There are always the moms who have no tears or have sex again after four weeks…and then I say lucky!

    • HA! Good one.
      Let’s not talk about the lucky ones. They have it good enough as it is. ;)

    • I had an easy C-section recovery and sex 10 days later (and I didn’t have to poop in the hospital)… but I wouldn’t call myself lucky. It took 2 years to conceive him, my low milk supply caused him to not want much to do with me for months, and now we’re dealing with recurrent miscarriage while trying to make him a big brother. I’d gladly trade this for a massive tear

      • So sorry you have had to deal with that… i had a recurrent miscarriage problem as well… turns out i have a genetic disorder called an mthfr gene mutation that doesn’t allow me to utilize folic acid. i got preg after treatment with folic acid in the form of methyl-folate and am due in 7 weeks, thank God. I always hate to give advice bc I got so much unwanted advice along the way but this changed my life and may be worth looking into. Good luck, luv!

    • I always wondered if the stories of post delivery Moms caught having sex while still in hospital were true till I had mine NO WAY !

  10. That made me laugh so hard and I pushed my kid out. No one told me any of this when I was pregnant especially water breaking. My water broke and the crap kept coming out until he came out of my vajay then new crap came out. Nasty. And you have to lay in it til you push the kid out in my case 17 hours later. I screamed for a shower. I got one two hours later. I could barely stand but it felt wonderful to be clean almost 24 hour after my water broke. So agree about the shame. I have none. I shit my pants in front of my family and everyone saw my boobs. Now, I tell mamas to be all of it. They are grossed out and don’t believe me until my husband gives more nasty details. And that first poop sucked especially since I ripped and had stitches. Yeah sucks.

  11. you forgot the vaginal “farts” just as you start to be intimate with your spouse and a vaginal fart comes out… how embarrassing was THAT

  12. This was so funny & so true! Though I didn’t have a C-section, I can relate to these as well. And PS – the post partum poop (which had to be done at the hospital) was awful with my first. I had terrible hemorrhoids due to several hours of pushing (yep, no shame) & OMG – it made me cry.

  13. This made me cry. On the toilet. Cause it’s the only place I get to look at my phone without getting interru – whope, nevermind – the youngest is in here with me now. My favorite memory is when during my first section the “cutting” doctor paused from her story of how her husband proposed to say, as she cut me open, “My GOD, that’s a lot of fluid!” The assisting doc whispered, “She can hear you.”

  14. Postpartum poop. I did not know about that until it happened. I lied about taking a crap at the hospital so I could go home. Good thing they didn’t call my bluff. Or was it??? I remember eating extra strength stool softeners like they were candy. Why was I not pooping?! When I finally gave birth to that fat brown baby, I thought for sure it came out sideways. I saw stars. It clogged the toilet. I kid you not…I had to get a freaking plastic knife from the kitchen to cut that thick motherf*cker into pieces so it would flush. Maybe if I hadn’t lied to my nurse about pooping, she could have hooked me up with an epidural for what was possibly the worst part of my whole birth experience. Ouch.

  15. LOVED this! I’m a labor and delivery nurse of 10years and I can’t tell you how many times a patient rolls in with her perfectly made up face and uptight about the silliest little things that I wish I could tell her “Umm, you have no idea what’s about to happen, do you?” Its always the first timers though.

    This post had me cracking up. Loved it. Love your style! I’m a fan. :)

  16. Awesome post and so accurate! I am sending it to my sister whom is due in a few weeks!

  17. Omg! I almost died laughing at this, ecxept for bfing and I had a vaginal deliverary with both children, I experienced the same thing. My shame and modesty went out the window after the second one.

  18. Omg! I almost died laughing at this, ecxept for bfing and I had a vaginal delivery with both children, I experienced the same thing. My shame and modesty went out the window after the second one.

  19. I can only hope to be as fortunate one day to have all of this happen to me. Until then, I’ll just applaud all of you strong, shameless, no-poop-fearing women.

    Also, this is the only time in which I read the comments to an article and didn’t want to throw my computer across the room.

  20. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a looooong time…and it was so appropriately timed too…I’m going in for a c/section in the morning.
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  21. Oh my seriously all hits it exactly! Great writing on this! Scares some but helps explain for the people who have been through it. Esp the ones who feel c sections are no big deal

  22. My mom had 8 of us children… she never told me anything about these things (and I’m the oldest of 8! I’m 19) until I read your article….. Wow….. Now I definitely don’t want to have a child. Sounds horrifying lol. Kudos to you and all mothers who went through this and made it!

  23. I am now scared enough to never have children.

  24. Great article! So true… Speaking of no shame… “May I check your cervix?” Anyone…? I was induced 2 weeks post and wouldn’t really progress till my section 38 hrs later, so had more hands up in there than I care to remember…

    • I gave birth at a teaching hospital. At one point, my doctor strode in followed by 10 med students and asked if they could check how far dilated I was. I’m a pretty good sport about helping young doctors and all, but I had to draw the line there!
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      • Aimee, at that point, I think I would have told the Dr there was a cover charge of $100 per person per feel…….Might as well make some money at it while you are there. LOL…..that is a bit much though, 10 MED STUDENTS??? Was he drunk or high on drugs?

    • I am a Labor and delivery nurse. I have been pooped on, peed on, amniotic fluid I swear shot across the room at me. I have had my fingers in vaginas thousands of times. I have 2 children of my own. Modesty…forget it. Nothing is sacred anymore, let me see your bottom for hemorrhoids, massage your uterus until you hit me. Hold your boob while you breast feed. But you know it is the most amazing, glorious, miraculous experience that I feel honored to be a part of. I cry with the daddies that just sob. I cry with laboring moms because they think they just cannot go on. I love holding and bathing the newborn. A delivery is messy and gross and smelly but worth every incredible second. God I love being a nurse!

      • Thank God for nurses. I’ll never forget mine! I’m always amazed that the nurses labor alongside you for hours, and the docs sneak in at the last minute to catch the baby and steal the glory.

      • Lisa bless you! It’s nurses like you that make all the crap laboring moms go through bearable!! I swear if it wasn’t for the nurses (and a partner that stepped up like I never knew he was even capable of LOL!) I would have squeezed my legs shut and kept those little buggers in there for life!! They got me through all the before, during, and afters!! Thanks for all that you do!!

  25. All true. My first son was an emergency c-section and no one warned me about the “new mama shakes” as the nice, night nurse called. Coming down from the adrenaline, exhaustion and horror of almost losing a baby I’d spent 10 years and IVF trying to get. Almost fell out of the bed shaking and I was alone since hubby had gone home after being up for 2 days straight. 2nd son was a scheduled c-section and I was hoping to avoid the shakes since I was prepared for the horror. They started before they closed my incision. So while rest of family was having happy baby time I was listening to after Thanksgiving sales chit chat and shaking violently above the epidural line. And it didn’t stop for almost an hour until my nurse got drugs ordered to get it stopped. I only managed to do the first nursing with a nurse and my husband holding my breast and the baby. Hideously awful from start to finish. Wouldn’t trade my sons for the world, but I have to work hard not to spit at anyone who can’t shut up about their orgasmic birthing experience. ; -)

    • I got the shakes, too! But they happened at home and no one told me it would happen. I was holding my baby in bed at the time, too! So there I was, violently shaking, trying to get my husband to wake up and trying not to drop the baby. I could barely control my movements but finally was able to awkwardly smack him. He wakes up, looks at me and doesn’t quite comprehend what’s going on so I say, “T-t-t-t-t-t-t-AKE th-th-th-th-thth-e b-b-b-baaaa-b-bb-b-b-bby.” He couldn’t understand me so I had to say it again. Then he finally woke up enough to freak out and he took the baby before I started shaking even more violently. I was drenched in sweat and had NO idea what was going on!

    • I had those shakes as I got close to dilating to a 7, about the time they put the epidural in. I must have had a lot of faith in that dr.!!!

    • I had the shakes during my csection. It was awful. From my waist up, over and over without stopping. All the way up to my chin and to all my fingertips. My husband thought i was having a terrible reaction, i just figured it must be normal because none of the nine docs and nurses in the room said a word. They also didnt say anything when they first lifted me onto the op table after my epidural/spinal… I let out the most horrendous loud fart. It was like the epi made my butt totally open and loose and out this ton of air came. I was so mortified.. I said “oh im sorry, i didnt know that was going to happen” but no one said a word. Okay, guess it was kinda normal? GAWD!!

      • One of my patients in labor farted and was very embarrassed about it when the anesthesiologist who had placed the epidural was back in the room…and he told her very matter of factly that it was a side-effect of the epidural…. So now you can use that as an excuse! It is totally the fault of the epidural! and truly no big deal!

        oh, and as a labor nurse for almost 30 years…. those little ice gloves I call your “helping hand”….because if you can get the swelling down fast, you sit so much more comfortably the next day!

        Thanks for the laugh! after having 3 of my own… one c/s and 2 vbacs… I very much enjoyed the post… and I bent the siderail of the gurney after my c/s when they did the lovely “massage”!

    • When I was 11 I broke my arm and had to have surgery. This was back in the late 70’s. I woke up in the recovery room next to a woman who I guess had just had a c-section. She had the shakes. I remember her lying there naked, covered in a yellow blanket and a nurse telling her she had a baby girl. Then the nurse walked away, and she was lying there alone shaking. I’m sure I was kind of out of it because I too had just woken up, but I remember talking to her because I felt so bad for her. I know I said “don’t be afraid, you’re okay.” I suppose in my 11 year old brain I thought she was scared, and that’s why she was shaking. I’ve never had children, and until today I didn’t know “the shakes” were something that happened.

  26. My part was feeling the entire c-section and the dr didn’t believe me until I had a panic attack. He said this time we will go in knowing more, thank God! Oh, and my cut was for an 8 pound premie who ended up 10 pounds (no diabetes, just way too healthy German babies) and my C cut looks like a kids park slide. So ugly.

  27. This is SOOO SOO TRUE LEGIT BEST MOST TRUTHFUL thing I have ever read about labor, they do not tell you ANY of these things and everything you mention happened to me as well! I wouldn’t even change my shirt real quick Infront of my mom or closest girlfriends who always got have makes changing Infront of me they always said I was way to modest! I lost all of that and after I had a baby and changed all my clothes Infront of my close girl cousin she about fainted and said labor did change me! My first labor was vaginal and 44 hrs, my second was an emergency c-section & EXTREMELY QUICK! I woke up with contractions at 630, tried to take a shower see if it could relax them then went straight to the hospital! Didn’t even make it to the hospital I was supose to go to! I almost delivered in the car and I guarantee of my sons head wasn’t turned just the right way to get it stuck I would have! He was out by c-section 11:28! & yes once Ur in the OR horrifying then after whoa buddy! I would have taken my first sons 44hr labor 6-7 day hospital stay over that even if I had to do it 20 times! I was in extreme pain but they transported my son to a different hospital the one we were supose to go to and said I would have to stay cuz I can get the same treatment where I was or were he was and I was already admitted in that one so by 7 that same night as the c -section I got up and walked the whole maturnity wing I walked as much as possible ate as much as possible and I cried threw it all but I was determined to get with my newborn I was discharged the next day after I told them and convinced them I would be fine as long as I was with my son and if anything happened I would be right at a hospital so I’d be in good hands! I took as shower I packed up everything and got dressed into my before baby clothes and sat and waited when my doc came in to check on me she almost cried in shock she said I had severe surgery even worst then most woman get because my sons heart rate dropped to 40 she said she had to gut me like a pig and get him out! I had to incisions from legit HIPBONE TO HIPBONE I HAD 20 staples! And countless stitches and I am only. 120lb a small girl it wasn’t nothing pretty! They wanted me to have bowel movements but settled with passing gas! That night was also my birthday I went and walked walmart the day after surgery the day I was discharged from the hospital and got some things for my son and me that we needed for our stay at the hospital & I also walked the Ronald McDonald house for a tour before getting to the hospital since I was discharged so late had to get the key and check in before the people in charge of checkin in left , then walked the hospital and just so much much more at the end of that night my boyfriend cried like a little baby it was the sweetest thing he had said he never met a woman so strong to do what I had done in the past 2 days to get my child out and then to get to be with him! I think c-sections are horrible and everything u hit on the nail I loved reading this and glad to share my story with you all!

  28. I had so many people staring at my hoo ha, I thought it was unique or something until I realized there was some need for 10,000 ppl
    In a room prior to delivery. It’s ok. I yelled and screamed so much (epidural did not work) I scared the bejezus out of the women there for a simple non stress test lol.
    Then after the birth, baby was in NICU, 1 HOUR sewing me up. I had to pee. The nurse helped me up and more stuff came out of me than lake Eerie!!! Blood, pee, fluid! I cried. She said it was nothing, that many times it looks like a murder scene. Hmmm. Nice lol.
    Then w baby #2, I had a c section. I too was in horrible pain. Walking hunchback, the shower, omg the water burned!!
    Then, the WORST!! ALL SHAME GONE!!!! I sat, I pooped (in a container to later show the nurse) but my stitches were so tight. It hurt to um, twist a little. Maybe I have t-rex arms, i dunno. I couldnt wipe! I just couldnt!!!’ My husband had to wipe my butt for a week!!! Omg! I was humiliated. Then I though, well, I’ve given birth, been cut open, miserable 10 months prior, on meds for high blood pressure, feeding, etc. yeah, he can wipe my butt! Lol

    • Thank you for posting that…It has been the bane of my existence that my husband had to wipe my rear while I was in the hospital. I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only T-rex lol

    • Awesome story. I too feel much better after reading all these. As I explained above, I didn’t dare push too hard for fear of tearing the stitches, so I used latex gloves to go digging around and pulled out my own poo for several days in a row rather than push it out. It’s one of the most embarrassing things I will ever admit to doing…

  29. I’ve been the worst loyal fan recently, but I’m so happy I returned for this one, while you have me TERRIFIED what I’ll be facing in a mere 5 months at least you had me laughing about it. and now crying.
    MegG recently posted..I’m going to keep playing this disappearing game for awhileMy Profile

    • This is for the pregnant ladies who think they are safe from the scary times. I was a few months pregnant and most people didn’t even know yet. My boss was showing me some stuff on the computer screen and all of the sudden the words got blurry and all I could see was a bright light and no shapes. i freaked out and he called my father from my cell phone who came to get me to see the OBGYN, who told me that pregnancy blindness happens sometimes but goes away quickly. WTF? i asked her why I didn’t know about it and she said since it doesn’t happen often she doesn’t like to scare people.
      Yeh, thanks!

    • Meg?!! You’re pregnant?!! YIPEEEEEE! Congrats!!!

  30. Uaed to be you had to actually have a BM before they let you go home. Now it’s pass gas. I think they figure if air is passing through your intestines aren’t blocked. Betting that change had something to do with insurance companies wanting you out of the hospital sooner.

  31. Oh my goodness, this is hilarious and I’ve had two c-sections, but at two different hospitals in different states. Each hospital did things different and the first one didn’t do the cleaning of your area while you first peed, but the second one did. It was weird. I was one of those that was up the next day walking with no problems though. The uterine massages did suck though I held on the bed so hard with my hands over my face. The second one the nurse almost got punched when she came in to check my scar, she just yanked it and I said from now I will do that. I stayed longer with second one daughter was jaundice and they actually kept pushing for me to stay, which I wouldn’t have minded, the food was great, the staff was awesome and my husband got to deal with our 1 ur 4 month old—HeHeHe!

  32. This is so spot on! Ditto for everything except the BFing and I did a vaginal delivery. I went to a natural birthing class where I was the last one due. The teacher have us pins to wear that said “Positive birth stories only.” I went to visit one of the girls in my class after her successful unmedicated vaginal birth and she was faking like she wasn’t completely in shock from the horrible sh*t she had just been through. It was at that point I knew it wasn’t going to be a freaking cake walk. Screw positive birth stories! I wanted to hear the truth. For my second child I wised up and did a unmedicated birth (again) doing hypnobirth. I kept trying to warn all the newbies in my class and the teacher kept giving me the stink eye like “Don’t tell them the truth. They can’t handle it.” Guess what? There ain’t no backing out now. You might as well know what’s up! I had little shame before now if is completely non existent. Oh you want 17 people to watch my vagina turn inside out? Sure! Invite your buddies too! Lmao! Great one!

  33. Omg this made me laugh out loud especially the post-partum poops! Hahaha! This was a bad experience for me! Actually worse than child birth and witnessed by visitors as well! I literally had my mother in the washroom with me holding her hand! I thought I was going to die!! Too funny!

  34. Omg… I had vag deliveries with both of my kids. My daughter’s delivery was the worst! I didn’t know how to actually push when the time came… sure they tell ypu how but, it wasnt that simple! I ended up getting nausea from all of the meds being into me on an empty stomach. So, here my fiancee was standing next to me trying to comfort me and hold a bucket up to catch the puke! Me regurgitating caused my body to push without me knowing it so, I literally threw my daughter up! Ugh… not to mention the meds they had me on… I fell asleep mid convo many times! My son was 8 lbs 12 oz and I had him vaginally also… never again! He broke my “woman” I dont believe it works the same as it did after him. Lol. Needless to say my kids mean the world to me but, they can keep childbirth! I’m out

  35. Well I have had 4 c-sections, & it doesn’t get any easier! You’r story made me laugh, & then remember those horrifying, yet best times of my life! My youngest is now 6, & I sometimes want another baby, then this reality just smacked me in the face- thank you!!

  36. When I was laboring with my first, I thought that the were pulling anyone who walked down the hall into my room to look at my “coochie”. This nurse came in, that nurse came in. Seems everyone wanted to look and “cop a feel”. I ended up having a C section. I didn’t hurt until they came in to do my uterine massage. OMG! That hurt worse than anything else! I, too, had to produce a post partum poop before getting to go home!

  37. OMG I love all of this. I delivered all natural and haven’t decided on my route for this second pregnancy. I have been contemplating the epidural for this labor/delivery, but still on the fence. I was laughing so hard reading the last two points and then the comments!

  38. SOOOO funny! I just cried I laughed so hard. I am a little jealous of the warning you had leading up to your c-section :-) I went to work from 8:00-9:30 am and my baby was born by emergency c-section at 11:53 am. I thought I was “going vaginal” in a few weeks up until about 11:21. The last words I heard before they completely knocked me out were “She’s panicking!” I was kicking my legs and trying to pull off the mask – I thought for sure they were killing me – I couldn’t breathe!!

  39. Hahaha I didn’t have a c – section but I always say this about childbirth. It’s a beautiful thing but it’s not glamorous. I try to warn my friends before their first babies are born without freaking them the hell out but my point never fully gets across and afterwards they fuss at me and say I should have warned them! In the end we recover and thankfully forget some of it..

  40. This had me laughing out loud and now my husband really thinks I am nuts. But it is all so true and now I can look back at those experiences and laugh. Thank God!! Thanks for sharing. I actually didn’t use the pad they gave me and went straight into depends. Those stupid netted undies always got caught on my staples and that was a pain a wish to erase from my memory.
    Mandee recently posted..Thursdays’ Thoughts…….Life is a JourneyMy Profile

  41. Omg i was always scared to have kids but my fiance would like to have one. he has no freaking idea. i should make him read this. im scared shit LESS (for now) lol maybe be shit more later

  42. Oh the joys! A bit of my ‘shame’ had found it’s way back because it had been nearly 8 years since the first nightmare, um I mean, blessed event. It was on a Sunday when, with 7 weeks until the due date, what little shame was left quickly flew out the window, my bedroom window to be exact. I felt something was a bit off and my mother, who thankfully?, is an OB GYN Nurse Practitioner, offered to ‘check’ me. She then had my hubby take me to the hospital right away where I received my 2nd C section 2 hours later.

    Before my 1st C-section I had pushed for 11 hours. The first time I stood up afterward I could not believe all of the blood that flooded out of my vagina! It ran down my legs, onto my new slippers and puddled on to the floor! Thankfully my mom quickly said, “That’s normal”, otherwise I would of passed out!

    • oh, the loss of shame.
      I went to Best Buy with my infant son and saw that the sales guy was blushing. I then realized that my son had been pushing my shirt down completely exposing my bra. I just told the guy: I guess he is hungry, and left.

  43. Oh why did you have to spoil all the fun surprises, no one told ME about all that, i had to find out the hard way!!!! LOL….this post is spot on. Adding one fact, when i came home from the hospital with my 3rd and final child, my brother (who is considerably younger than me) asked me if there was another baby in my stomach, because it was still big.

    • Ah yes, the when are you due? question from a bank teller, two weeks after the baby was born convinced me it was time to ditch the maternity duds for any other available option.

  44. Most is most definitely spot on…though for both my boys I delivered vaginally and they didn’t make me fart lol…I did have to urinate 5 times though…lol

  45. I laughed so hard at this! I had 2 c-sections. I remember going to a “how to diaper your newborn” class in the hospital after the 1st. The vaginal deliveries were sitting on their donuts and I was in HORRIFIC pain. I remember saying to one..you’re so lucky to have done this vaginally. This sucks.
    I had all kinds of medical problems with BOTH deliveries but the best story is going in for #1. I guess I started freaking out BUT in hindsight they had overhydrated me, too. I kept saying “I can’t breathe”. Turns out that was probably true as there was fluid on the OUTSIDE of my lungs. The anesthesiologist (Dr. Winter) told me to calm down and the machine said I was breathing just fine. I said I don’t care what the machine says..I don’t feel like I can breathe! Meanwhile they’re getting ready to slice me open.
    Dr. Winter then says “If you don’t calm down, I’ll put the tube down you and breathe FOR you” . I don’t remember anything after that. I assume they put a calming drug in me. :-)
    After #2 my core temp kept dropping dangerously low. They’d take my temp every 15 minutes and the nurse said at one point…if it goes down again, I’m going to cry and go home.
    Uhm…and that’s going to help me…HOW?
    Your blog is spot on! Thanks for sharing!

  46. now i just did this ten months ago and trust me, it is still more than fresh in my mind. I think my shame was gone before I even got my gown on and i was just casually gushing trails of amniotic fluid on the way to the bathroom to don my stylish hospital gown. lol there was plenty in my wheelchair too… i was just like “err.. sorry you guys have to keep cleaning that up.” My nurses were amazing

  47. I got induced with my third baby for my first time. Nothing like having the nurse help dry you off with your huge ass belly in the way with major contractions after getting out of the jacuzzi !

  48. Oh lord! Way to scare me! I am thinking of my first and now I think I will wait and think some more! Hubs looked horrified reading this and said my mom could be the one to experience this special hell in the delivery room with me. Haha!

  49. I wasn’t allowed to EAT until I had pooped after the birth of my first (an induction of a “your due date came and went… we can induce you today or Monday” baby. Induction started on Friday, section on Saturday). THIS, my friends, is incredibly cruel to do to a lady who has IBS that presents with constipation. Fortunately, I didn’t have to show the products of my bathroom trip, so after another 24 hours, I lied and said that I had pooped and had a glorious meal of steak and baked potato.

    Fortunately by my second pregnancy (with twins), I knew better. I had family smuggle me in some food and ate Panera Bread mac and cheese and black bean soup about 9 or so hours after surgery.

  50. Ha this is so true. But I agree with the other moms, you only were asked to fart? I needed to make sure I peed and tell them the minute pooped. And talk about those “wonderful” massages on your belly, I have to say the best part was when they provided me with an ice pouch for my area, that felt so good! LOL. And shame is officially out the window, I even nurse uncovered in front of my family and friends, really after a room full of strangers, shame goes “bye bye”.

    Great post, I am so sharing this to my soon to be mommy friends :D

  51. This was hilarious and so very true. The postpartum poo was not scary for me even with a hemroid. The peeling was. I didn’t rip, tear or need to be cut, but from the catheter it burned. Both times

  52. Go for the homebirth. Everything much more relaxed and a midwife is prepared to tell you the truth about your after birth experience.

  53. This was by far one of the funniest and truest statements about postpartum I have ever read! I wish you could have added the actual mess of a vaginal birth, but you’re absolutely spot on with the stuff women go through from either side!

  54. I didn’t have to fart before I went home, I had to poop and then show them I did. Nothing like being proud of your own #2. Also it does hurt really bad when standing up after a c-section. My first hurt way worse then my first one did. After my second c-sections I wake up look around and pass back out then wake myself up from snoring. As I’m laying there now awake I look to my right and there is this lady setting there with a clipboard taking notes. I’m thinking wth are you doing in her. Then she talks telling me her name and that she is there to make sure that I’m doing well. Ok, that’s nice but so weird to me you can get a job watching people after their c-sections? Anyway for the next 30 mins I past out and wake again snoring .
    They also put these things on your legs so your blood keeps moving in your body. I had a reaction to the meds they gave me and i itched everywhere it was so bad. I had people rubbing lotion on me and itching me. I learned that the fast you get up after your c-section the better you are.

  55. Yeap.. None for me, thanks :|

  56. Attempting to poo after having a vaginal delivery with tearing is a real ‘treat’, too!

  57. As far as I know, Csection moms have to fart/poop, Vaginal birth moms dont. .. so some of you don’t remember it, it’s probably because you didn’t have organs rearranged to have a baby. (it just felt like you did. lol)

  58. This was utterly hilarious! I just had my second c section three months ago, and you’re dead on with everything you say! Thanks for the flash back, and the not so LOL…baby’s asleep.

  59. I had twins as well. Had them vaginally. Wasn’t to bad, but still painful to deliver with epidural. The nurse pushed on my stomach after I gave birth…not fun. The scariest thing about the whole thing is that triage room. Those nurse admitted to me that they torture patients

  60. I had twins as well. Had them vaginally. Wasn’t to bad, but still painful to deliver with epidural. The nurse pushed on my stomach after I gave birth…not fun. The scariest thing about the whole thing is that triage room. Those nurse admitted to me that they torture patients

  61. No joke I had to do number two to leave. But first c-section was the worst ever!!! The pain.. the stitches… ughhhhh.

    I’ve had three c-sections now and let me tell you, it still hurts, but slightly less than than the first. Assuming since your stomach muscles & nerves were already cut. I also learned a trick… from my kids. After surgery, start downing apple juice. It was the only thing that quenched my thirst but I was taught from my little ones, it’ll make you go poo much quicker and easier. The next day the nurse banned me from apple juice. Haha!

    • I started vomiting uncontrollably an hour or so after my section (probably because of that horrid shot they made me do beforehand, or maybe karma from not having morning sickness), and I was told no apple juice since the acidity would make the nausea worse.

  62. This was so funny and refreshing! Negotiating with God… I literally did the same thing, prayed for the #2 to finally come. So much funnier in retrospect!!!!

  63. I’m going to bookmark this page and come back to it every time I think to myself, “Hmmm I want another baby!” Someone please just hit me in the face with a frying pan!!!!

  64. I also had twins Vaginally. I Did Not have a bowel movement. It has been 35 years & back then you were given an enema.

  65. LOL I only had to fart as well…but I had to fart in order to get SOLID FOOD!!! I was on a liquid diet for 24 hours until I farted and the minute I did, I called my nurse and told her to order me a tray ASAP!!! It also helps that I work at the hospital I delivered at and knew most of the nurses! I didn’t have any pain like everyone describes…only when I would sneeze and I too thought my vagina had exited my body after my c-section! Who KNEW there would be all of that bleeding and for what seemed like an eternity!! The maxipad diapers were not sexy AT. ALL!!! Great blog!

  66. Ice pack + vajayjay = are you freakin’ kidding me? Baby #3 (nicknamed by the nurses “the little torpedo”) broke my tailbone on the way out as well as causing severe “skid marks”, as the nurses kindly referred to the tearing in my vajayjay. After packing me back and front with ice packs I forgave them for all of that, it was bliss. Well, until after one of the ice pack changes. Apparently my dear hubby had missed out on the other ice pack changes and after his first gander at the sight he started laughing, and laughing, and laughing. After trying to stop laughing and failing he handed me the baby and walked out, head hung, shoulders violently shaking in barely contained laughter. After he composed himself he came back in and asked if I had seen what they were using for ice packs. “Uhh, no.” Apparently they were XL condoms that were filled with water and frozen. He said that the hard (frozen) “guys” were lined up right next to the used up ‘flaccid’ ones awaiting their turn in action… and this is where my guy lost it. I’m still hearing the ‘bow chicka wow wow’ comments 13 year later. I got my revenge after he had his vasectomy. =)

  67. I had so many stool softners that it was like soft server so it wasn’t and issue and I had to go before I left hospital. The thing that threw me off was when they talk about the bleeding and clots you pass. I was told “If it is as big as the palm of your hand call your nurse”. I could not imagine one that size. Then I went to the bathroom. I had my husband pressing that button in no time when I was positive I had just dropped another baby when I stood up from the bed. She came in and inspected the .. eh.. clot that looked like damn near a whole can of cranberry sauce and told me to hold out my hand. Apparently it was SLIGHTLY smaller than my palm so it was okay. I asked her “What if I had small hands?” and she laughed. Apparently she didn’t realize I was being honest.

    There is also something else they don’t tell you that I had the joy of discovering in the middle of the night at the hospital. I had a vaginal delivery and suffered severe pre-eclampsia (which slowed my milk production too) and HELLP syndrome. They had to use a PEDIATRIC Catheter on me, and proceeded to inform me how they never had to get a pedi cath before to which I replied “I’m and underachiever.” Well after delivery the cath got kinked up and wasn’t draining my bladder…….. and in the middle of sleeping I woke up feeling like I was back in full blown labor because my bladder and uterus started to rub together when my bladder filled. It set off contractions.. again. My husband was five feet away sleeping and I couldn’t get the air to call his name. I hit the nurse button like a mad woman and she came running into to help me. It was HORRIBLE.

    And to finish up… yeah my second delivery I was torn and had to be stitched, which by the way I felt every stick because epi didn’t work. When I got home and pooped without softners in my system………… I was praying to god not to pop the stitches. I… I became think I saw Jesus.

  68. Your post is hilariously truthful. While I did not have twins, I did have a large baby via C-section and related to just about every one of your points. My favorite point in particular is the one about the squirt bottle. I also experienced that moment, but mine happened after I’d gotten out of bed for the first time to brush my teeth and proceeded to hemorrhage uterine content all over the bathroom floor for the CNA to ogle at and then have to clean up. She was an angel, though, and even after dousing my nether-region with the bottle, she helped me put deodorant on because I was to the point of barely being able to lift my own arms. My other favorite you talk about is the massaging. I was warned ahead of time about those, but that didn’t stop me from groaning in pain and yelling at the nurse each time. Pure torture. Anyway, I share part of my experience just to let you know that after reading that post, I felt an immediate sense of camaraderie with you, a perfect stranger. I have subscribed to your blog and look forward to future posts. Best wishes!

  69. I did not HAVE to poo before I could leave (yes I had a c section) but, specifically one of my nurses was very concerned about my bowel movements. She even suggested I use a suppository. I finally gave in and it barely did anything. Fast forward to a little over a week out of the hospital and I was in the bathroom for over an hour. Thought I was going to die!! Even after using an enema and I had been taking stool softeners!! It was awful!! It didn’t help my feelings when my husband had to come unclog the toilet for me cause I didn’t have any energy left to do it myself!!……..Also, as far as those lovely undergarments they give you……I preferred using Depends!!

  70. This post is great and so true! NO one talks about this stuff, or at least the birthing prep classes sure don’t! I also have to add that no one ever tells you that pushing a baby out can cause painful hemorrhoids. That was the absolute worst part of having my second baby!!

  71. At the end of a 60 hour labour, (baby was tolerating, I was determined to have a v-birth) I managed to give birth without a tear. Which made having my first poop OK. I did it and flushed it before being asked. I didn’t realize it was a thing.
    But trust me, sixty hours with an epidural at 52 hours was NO picnic!
    Since everything was all so great and fantastic no one noticed me losing energy, getting really shaky and blah blah. I stand up after at least an hour or two and bleed out all over the floor. I have a blood disorder and wasn’t given a proper shot. I don’t know who was more shocked me or my husband.

    My baby went in NICU, too. They didn’t offer me antibiotics for group b strep in my IV when it broke and he wasn’t born for 24 hours. I also got nothing from pumps, bought a 400 pump, and tried round the clock for three month.

    Great list

    The frozen padsicles were the most amazing things, ever!

  72. Oh my goodness….so funny! My first of 3 babies was 19 years ago. I had to be induced….my worst delivery by far! When it was time for pushing I vomited with every push. I had a sweet nurse who let me push every other contraction. Then in came the no nonsense nurse. She told me to buck up and put a dish under my chin. I pushed and vomited for hours…that baby was not coming out. Sweet nurse left to get the doctor with forceps. All business nurse looked me in the eyes and gravely told me that I did not want that. The look on her face scared the shit out of me. My nearly 10 lb. daughter was out 3 pushes later! My second baby, nearly 16 years ago, was a breeze. No pain meds, I spent nearly the whole labor standing in the shower. There weren’t any fancy tubs back then. When it was time to push my nurse brought in a bar that arched across the bed with 2 jump ropes tied on for handles. One foot went on either side of the bar, I grabbed those ropes, pulled myself up and pushed like crazy. He was out in 3 pushes. It was awesome! I felt like wonderwoman!! He also weighed nearly 10 lbs. 10 years ago I had my last baby. Delivery went fine but afterwords I was told I wasn’t peeing enough. They had a hat in the toilet to catch my pee and checked the amount every 30 min. I was surprised when a nursing assistant, looking about 12 years old, came in to insert a catheter to check for hidden pee. Son of as bitch I thought she was scratching out my insides. She put that thing in completely dry!! That was worse than delivery! And guess what…..no hidden lake of urine. I could have slapped her.

  73. I also did not poo with mine and I’ve had three my first took a whopping 50 hours I didn’t eat or drink anything and was induced on Thursday at lunch and she didn’t arrive till Saturday at two my epidural didn’t work and my contractions started Thursday night and didn’t let up till she was delivered I wanted to die and they actually put me to sleep Friday night bc I was so exhausted!

  74. Yes, yes, yes! So true and hilarious! Thanks for the laugh(s)!!

  75. Thank heavens I cannot relate! I enjoy the uterine massage (the first one is uncomfortable, but that’s about it), though I may be a masochist…I am wanting to do an unmedicated birth. I lost my shame before I ever grasped what it was (comes with being born with a heart defect, you’re used to laying in your own excrement and unable to do anything about it after having open heart surgery), and the first/second time I go in to use the bathroom after delivery I drop the boys in the pool and say, “Keep the stool softeners for someone who needs them.” It really sounds awful to have a c-section! Especially the stitches/staples thing; pelvic floor exercises saved me from tearing with both my babies.

  76. All of this is absolutely true! I had one of each: a vaginal delivery and a c-section, neither of which were routine. I hemorrhaged after I had my first daughter vaginally so I was hooked up to an IV in each hand. I fell asleep laying on my side with my hand hanging off the edge of the bed – when I woke up a couple of hours later my hand was swollen Three or four times it’s regular size! I freaked! Called the nurse who calmed me down and told me that it was just because of all the IV fluids and I had to hold my hand up in the air so eventually the swelling would go down.

  77. Referring to #9 & 10 — I have a sort of funny about the whole fart and being shameless.
    I’d been in the hospital now for 5 days after 26 hours of non-progressive labor [I did make it to 6cm!]
    I’d already lost my shame during my pregnancy when I was at work [a 10 hour shift at an AIRPORT] and I really had to pee– I mean really — Lady with VERY strong perfume walks by, I sneeze and BAM i peed all over myself. Not very pleasant.

    But, let me get down to my #9 funny, my baby is in the nursery because I am exhausted and in pain, the night nurse comes in tells me point blank I need to fart before they will let me go home.

    I think “Oh no big deal, I can fart.” Nope… I’ve just had a major abdominal surgery, it freaking hurts to cough/breathe much less push gas from my butt. I tell her I’ll let her know once I do. She of course gives me that look as if she wanted me to perform a trick *do a flip!*

    Later that evening, I wobble my hunchback of notre dame looking self to the bathroom to evacuate my bladder, the urge hits me …I need to pass gas! Oh but it hurts let me yell for my husband. “Hunny, I need your help!” whimpering as I am dying trying to push this gas from my body… He comes in looking worried, I tell him to grab gloves, he’s gonna HELP me fart. If you could have been a fly on the wall to see his face, PURE HORROR. but he does and I am proud to call him my husband.

    Well I wipe put the Foxy Lady Diaper back on and crawl into that horrible thing they call a bed, I want to lay on my stomach, good idea! Pushes more “air” toward the exit… I look at my husband with pleading eyes..
    “Hunny, I need your help again, I need to fart, but it hurts!” he sighs and gets the gloves again.. Comes over pulls down the ‘adult diaper’ and starts to part my cheeks for me…. Oh I feel a bit of pressure relief, I push! Didn’t realize my husband was bent over my bum trying to make sure that he’d spread my cheeks ‘far enough’, I blast him in the face. He freaks, and I get the giggle fits, which HURT. I beggingly ask him to stop freaking out, he’s making me laugh, and its hurts!
    His response verbatim “It’s not like I am trying to make you laugh, you just ass-blasted me in my face, no warning but BAM –death evacuated your bowls!” I’m now crying from the pain and laughter.

    • Oh, God, I am dying laughing. And our 11 year old is asking me why I am laughing nd crying. I’ll tell you when you’re older darling….

    • Noelle,
      You have me laughing so hard I’m crying and my side is starting to hurt! I’ve never had kids, but I can picture that entire farting episode happening to my husband and I. *actually laughing out loud!!*

    • OMG!!! I am laughing so hard I can barely see to write anything!!!! Best story ever!!!

    • Oh my! I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my cheeks!

      They wouldn’t let me eat after my c/s 30 years ago until I had a BM… and it was 3 days of just jello and juice! When I finally farted at 8:30 pm, the kitchen was closed and they couldn’t get me any food… so I begged them to call the pediatric floor and ask for peanut butter and jelly… was the best sandwich ever!

      Laughing after a c/s hurts… but not quite as bad as swallowing wrong and choking! I ended up hugging my thighs to support my belly and wishing I would die!

    • OMG, I am laughing so hard..I am crying and cannot breathe! My husband insisted on knowing what was “wrong with me” (his words) and I could barely spit the words out while reading your post out loud! I can picture my husband saying the same phrase if this situation happened to us. He told me he will remember to wear a gas mask if I ever ask him to help me pass gas after birth! Thank you for sharing, I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard!

    • I am so sorry to be laughing as much as I am at your pain and agony.
      I had my husband hold ice cubes between my checks to help the hemerhoid selling. I thought that was the end of all dignity.
      Your story made me laugh out loud. Up till now is dying inside… Thank you.

  78. Sooooo true! I all I to do was fart to leave the hospital but I was so ready to go home I would have let them watch me poop to get out of there! Oh & after my c section my bladder took a while wake up from the anesthesia & catheter so my first post partum pee was similar to the first poop!

  79. This is hilarious! I have 3. With my first I was so numb I couldn’t feel a thing. The only reason I knew he was delivered was because the had me reach down and finish pulling him out myself. That was amazing. My payback came with number 2! Was time to get epidural as pain was starting to get out of hand. Epidural done, one leg up, then gush of water, then the feeling of needing to poop was insane, other leg brought up, nurse checks and says stop pushing…ya right the unbearable pain and having an epidural that wasn’t done correct and therefor not working…I couldn’t stop…nurse yelling to have someone call dr because she had to stay there WITH HER HAND AND I SWEAR HER ARM UP TO HER ELBOW inside me keeping me from delivering my daughter. Why nobody shares THE RING OF FIRE when delivering amazes me! AWEFUL!! Between labor, “broken” epidural, having my nurse move into my vagina, receiving a 3rd degree tear I swore no more babies. Well that’s what I thought until I got prego with number 3 5 months later while on birth control (oh and number 2 was with fertility drugs). Thankfully his was easier… I dreaded the day he was born like no other…to bad he decided to try to breath to early and ended up in NICU but because he had to go to a different hospital they let me out early without having to be shamed again for the 3rd time with vagina washings, poop checking, etc.
    Thanks for sharing…took me back and now I remember why I had my husband fixed ;-)

  80. Thank you so much for your candidness. I am not a mom (yet), but I am a child psychologist so, among other things, I have to teach my undergrads about the birth process. This is very helpful and hilarious at the same time. You made me cry because I was laughing so hard.

  81. All of this is true and then some. My first was a natural child birth and my second was a C-section. After about a week in the hospital after the c-section and not using the bathroom or passing gas they had to stick a tube in my nose and down my throat into my stomach. I have a bad gag reflex and having the tube put in made me vomit all over the dr and nurse. so,yes there is no shame.

  82. I’ve calmed down a little now after reading this. I’m honestly scared to death to get pregnant because of labor, and now what happens after! I laughed so stinking hard reading this! NONE of my friends whom I’ve questioned mentioned these things, except for the fabulously sexy come and get me baby underwear you go home with!! Thanks for the laugh!!

  83. Yup…was the only one on the entire floor when I went into labor. So needless to say while my eyes were covered with a washcloth in the middle of pushing and someone asks if you mind having students in your room, you don’t expect to see 15 new sets of eyes staring at you after you push that kid out. I thought I heard more and more encouragement as I prepared to push my little one out. Shame? I don’t even know what that is anymore HA!

  84. I loved all of my VBACs without medication! It was so much easier than a C-section. Post partum bleeding was lighter than a period (:

  85. Haha, I LOVETHIS!!!! Iactually am a labor nurse and I teach prenatal classes. I actually added a non-hospital approved segment about what it will be like when you go home. It just seems like something they gloss over, that may be the worst experience of your life. Anywho, I’ll have to give them this link. :)

  86. Don’t hate on the mesh panties!!! I was so sleep deprived the first days that laundry was the furthest thing from my mind! Disposable? Yes, please!!! I had a stage 3 tear so lots of stitches. They gave me these awesome iovernight++++ extra super absorbent pads that had a built in ice pack (I never knew ice could hurt so good!) I hoarded those bad boys AND the panties! I figured I already paid a pretty penny to be there and I was taking home as much shit as possible!!

  87. This is AWESOME! I felt the same way. I was horrified to go to the bathroom after vaginal childbirth. You are so correct, there are so many things (like loss of bladder control), that they don’t tell you.
    My son is now 2 months old, so everything is still fresh in my memory. I certain do share my story with new Moms to be. And I tell them … no matter how weird or gross it sounds … ASK! :)

  88. I am 18 days post-partum. No one told me about the shaking. I shook on the operating table and for a couple hours afterwards. I was so shaky I was afraid to hold my daughter. The combination of drugs, hormones, and nerves did a number on me.
    I feel your Breastfeeding pain. My “ladies” are inverted. In fact, today is the day I decided to give up pumping.
    Thanks for keeping it real.

  89. So true! I was one of those “very private” girls till after my first baby. When I was on #3 they asked if I minded if a few students watched. I counted later and I do believe there were 20 people in that room while I gave birth vaginally. They all said “It was the most beautiful birth ever” Delusional every one of them. No birth is “beautiful” the babies are not the births! The after birth mother is even less “beautiful”. Thank God for understanding husbands! Otherwise no one would have a second child!

  90. Seriously THE funniest blog posting I’ve ever read. Ever! I laughed unabashedly in the lobby of the doctor’s office and I didn’t even care. I will definitely share this with others XD

  91. This article made me laugh. I can relate to some of it but I had a natural delivery without any meds, ate very little carbs and refined sugar during last trimester cuz thats when they get fatter from this,did a lot of kiegels during pregnancy so I could push strong.and recover fast. Had my first child ten months ago, a boy 7lbs 1 oz. Everything went according to my birth plan.I had him with 6 hours of labor til I got to 10 cm then 30 min of pushing, could have done it faster but I let a lot of contractions go by without pushing during the ring of fire cuz I didn’t want to tear, which I didn’t, but its hard to cuz you want to push so bad even when you shouldn’t. Without pain killers I could tell when I shouldn’t and midwife let me listen to my body without telling me when to push. She also let me stand to deliver which is the best position, didn’t need help to stand and my legs didn’t get tired. The day before due date I took castor oil and went on a big hike had a lot of diarrhea from oil so when I went into labor on his due date I had nothing left to poop, hubby caught him and cut the cord. The thing to remember is dont be scared, or scream in pain it just slows down and makes it worse, then during last stage go for it lol

  92. Wasn’t prepared for the ten days of heavy bleeding but was pretty much spotting off and on for four weeks. Had sex on day 12 which was a little painful, use lube and condom. Then again on day 17, no pain and everything back to normal 100%

  93. Dang i had to do my postpartum poop b4 they would let me leave the hospital! i woulda been happy for the fart instead!!!

  94. Wow, this really does bring it all back! I was given the bottle to squirt myself and after everything I went through I was happy to look after it myself! And for the natural birth with tearing and cutting the stiches and pain forever after made that ice feel good…and I can’t help but add when I looked down at my lady parts and they were sooo swollen I was terrified they would never go down again! Lol and I had buckets of sweat pouring out from under my arms out of nowhere, and as a person who doesn’t sweat this alarmed me too…Thanks for sharing the reality of the beginning of being a mom :)

  95. Oh honey… it was worst for those of us that accomplished this vaginally. My mesh panties were full of ice. And I was required to have a post partim poop, not just fart. Lastly, the va-jay-jay is unrecognizable as such for a good couple months.

  96. Thesep are too funny. My water broke with my first son but It was a big gush like on tv just trickles. I was even sure if that was what it was so I decided yo call DH from work. This caused quet an uproar lol. Once we got to the hospital it seemed like everyone had to use the strips to test the fluid and see if my water did indeed break. I’m lost all shame that night. 2 years later pregnant again with twins my water breaks at five in the morning, this time I knew. Proceeded to er with hubby and baby #1 in tow, I had to sit in the lobby and wait, completely soaked to chair, floor, so embarrassing,. Finally take me back and the nurse asks if I’m sure, even my socks are wet, I stand up from the wheelchair and she’s see my puddle. ER doctor examines me and says he can feel baby As head. Wooaahh! Everything picks up pace. I’m wheeled up stairs to be prepped for csection, and told not to push. Everything was moving super fast, one was shaving my belly, one was doing the catheter, starting IVs, asking questions and giving me papers to sign. My DH said out of nowhere my doctor came running down the hall, full sprint. He checks me and I’m only dilated to2, turns out I have a smooth cervix. He was so mad.

  97. I had a csection/tubal and besides the amount of bleeding that went on for 8 weeks the only other bad part was the massage and the fact that my whole body shook for hours after having my little guy.

  98. Here’s that no-shame thing: I definitely had BM during delivery, and even though I had an epidural during my 61 hrs of labor and 2+ of that pushing my almost 9lb baby out of my 5’5″ frame, I politely kept telling the nurses when I’d given a gift. However, one nurse was so effing squeamish, she didn’t CARE that I was going to give birth on top of poop. My HUSBAND had to clean it up. And it’s not like it was huge or a mess, just tiny, tiny poops. Afterwards, we definitely complained about her. I mean, I couldn’t do it! I also thought afterward that I would never poop or bend over or pee the same again. I’m 5 months pp and sometimes I still tear during pooping. Dear God, but my baby is so sweet. Heaven help me that I still want more children after that torturous pregnancy, epically long labor, and unforeseeably horrible recovery.

  99. I have 5 children all with different experiences, My first was emergency c-section, then VBAC, then a planned c-section, then 2 more VBACs. My last was the worst. I went into labor and wasn’t progressing fast enough for the Drs. I was dilated to 5 for over 18 hours. My epidural didn’t work either. When they decided I needed another c-section and were wheeling me out of the room the baby decided it was time to come out NOW! No time to get me into position I delivered right in the middle of the doorway! With my mom and aunt as stirrups! Afterwards my placenta decided it didn’t want to come out, so the doctor had to put her arm up inside me (all the way to her elbow) to “help” it out! I didn’t realize what was happening at that time because I was distracted by my aunt passing out on the floor. Needless to say that was my last pregnancy!

  100. After my 3rd child (2nd C-section), I was tootin’ away just as happy as can be for the first couple days. Then I asked my hubby to get me a milkshake. The nurse said it was fine. I sucked that puppy down in about 10 minutes…through a straw. I ended up with what felt like the biggest gas bubble in my gut. No more tootin’ for me. I couldn’t even sleep. They would not let me leave until I farted and pooped. Bye-bye shame. Bring on the Gas-X.

  101. Adding to the “No Shame”. I delivered my first via c-section at a teaching hospital. We checked in the night before for an induction. I changed into my gown in the bathroom because I was too shy for the nurse to see me. The next day after delivering and about 1000 students and doctors coming in to check my incision site, I would have allowed the janitor to take a look!

  102. I had a c-section with twins and had pretty much everything there listed except a few changes. When asked if I farted I farted right then , on my nurse! And then I had to poop, it was my first time going to the bathroom too so I was supposed to buzz my nurse. Well she took so long to get to me that I almost pooped myself and peed myself so I got myself out of the bed and locked myself in the bathroom for a half hour and pooped and peed. Finally she came and was mad as a bee that I didn’t do it with her and I cussed her out and spent another half hour in the bathroom with the door locked and I cleaned myself up. Granted I drove myself to the hospital alone and was there alone and the nurses were horrible where I was. They didn’t change my bedding for three days while my babies were in nicu (hospital policy twins are in nicu for 4 days) and didn’t bring me a new pad for two so by the third day my bed was so bloody I just slept in the arm chair! Also they didn’t feed me so I started to wander the hospital looking for food. I delivered my twins at a military hospital so i don’t know if that makes any difference. Other than those things my experience was the same. I just barely ate for 4 days due to no food being brought to me and I had dirty bedding.

    • I’ve never had a baby. I’m hopping mad for you! That is neglect! You should have complained to the highest authority!

  103. Magnesium isn’t a drug; its a mineral. It is vital for the absorption of calcium and regulation of the nervous system.

  104. I am dying! This is too funny. I lost all my shame with my first son. About 20 people, mainly students, in the room while I was delivering. When my midwife came in for me to deliver, my cousin walked right in with her. I was like “Oh good. Sabrina, meet my vagina.” The pooping is terrible. I just had my second son 4 weeks ago and I’m still terrified when I need to go. lol This birth was much more pleasant. All natural water birth. =)

  105. I just had to fart before I could leave the hospital. This might be a dumb thought but maybe it has something to do with having a c-section or not?

  106. I can only sit here and laugh. I was on complete bedrest from my 4th month until I prematurely gave birth at 34 weeks. and then, that was not even “normal”. I had gone in on a Sunday thinking my water broke. It had not, but my daughters heart rate was 234..WAY TOOO HIGH! They kept me overnight and did an amnio. Oh wait, her lungs are not mature enough to induce. 24 hours AFTER the amnio, I moved and my bag broke. In we go. 24 people in and out of my labor room within a 24 hour period (NO LIE!!) 13 people spent the night IN MY ROOM the night before delivery!!! I’m allergic to adhesive tape, so they thought they would use foam tape for my epidural. This meant that the epidural kept going in and out of my spine the WHOLE TIME!!! (did I mention I was on bedrest for 6 months prior to giving birth???) Everytime they did a “bolis” I was barfing… NOT a good experience, but if I had to compare the two, labor/birth was a lot better than pregnancy. Finally, it’s time to push. I push one time and they start screaming at me to stop. I barely realize what they are saying when I start pushing again. the Dr had barely washed his hands, had no gown on and no gloves when my daughter was born. MY worst regret was…because my epidural wasn’t working right, they gave me nubain 15 min. before she was born. After she was born, she SCREAMED for 15 minutes (her lungs were ok), Because of the nubain, I wanted NOTHING to do with her until the next morning. We have been inseperable since, but I will forever feel guilty for not wanting to hold the baby I wanted my whole life…the baby the Dr’s told me I would never have.

  107. Re: postpartum poop, I had the runs after my second C-section. I shat thrice in a bedpan, and my poor nurse got permission to take my catheter out early so that the two subsequent shits could take place on the toilet. I thought I’d lost my shame with my first daughter, but nothing beats have a nurse wipe watery shit off your ass three times within an hour. No one understands why I had diarrhea at such an inopportune time, but the good news is that I wasn’t constipated.

  108. All of this happened to me as well, except I didn’t have twins! I love that you shared! It made me remember the joy and the pain and the funny about my daughter’s birth. She just turned 18, so I really appreciate this even more! Thank you!

  109. Funny! They made me poop before I could leave!

  110. I forgot about some of these things. I don’t recall ever having to pass gas. I do remember her telling me not to flush the toilet and my looking at her in shock wondering why. The staples being taken out didn’t bother me at all, nor taking a shower. But, people have different levels of pain they can take. One of the biggest things I remember was, the epidural not taking and I felt it when he started cutting. I said “Hey!” he asked if I felt it and I said yes. They gave me another one and that took. No one told me after a C-section I would be swollen so bad that it looked like I had a small penis, I almost fainted when I took off my robe to take a bath lol. It’s wonderful to see other peoples experiences and get a little chuckle here and there.

  111. 8 homebirths and I seriously have no idea what you are talking about! No loss of dignity no immense pain. Hard work with such sweet results. Healthy, happy Mum and bubs (incl 1 set of twins). Wellness makes an enormous difference to your mothering journey!

  112. I’m not having children for a long time, and I’m seriously considering adoption at this point…

  113. So accurate and hilarious. I had a C-Section and could have punched the nurse during “uterine massage” the good thing is over time you really do forget the pain.

  114. I was beginning to think I was the only one with the post-partem poo issue… It. IS. the. worst!!! Making deals with God sounds exactly right. (I will say my sister, who is a nurse, introduced me to Dermaplast, which decreased the deals I had to make. It numbs you just enough down there! Hallelujah!!)

  115. I had to pee a certain amount post catheter extraction! Oh man I was terrified it was going to hurt when they pulled it out… THEN I had 6 hours to pee a bunch… OR they’d put the cath back in! Wtf?! You needed to drink a bunch of water, but at the same time, if you couldn’t pee, you could burst your bladder… What!!?

    I finally peed like 3 hours into my 6 hr deadline… Whew… I was not about to have a catheter put back in… WITHOUT the epidural so I would be able to feel it…

    • 2 births, 2 induced due to preeclampsia. 1st one lost all shame bc no one tells you what u will feel like when body is not ready but when its time, u dont want the nurse to put on speaker phone to get the dr in and u hear hospital on lock down. That police will have to escort dr in and for nurse to get started. Um no wait for the dr was all I was thinking. And then thinking its normal for u to have an oxygen mask on during delivery. Until friends tell u way after its not. I agree w that no one tells u how its really going to be during and after. Funny w 2nd kid, when they put the oxygen mask on, u dont fight it, u just want to say yes ma’am to nurse. Re: bm, ate burger and spinach salads and lots of h2o and no prob there. 2healthy kids, bad pregnancies for mama equals dr saying no more.

      • I didn’t have the hospital on lock down but right after the nurse took my daughter away after feeding I heard the alarm sounding (the one in case someone steals a baby), so I got my post c-section body out of bed and walked holding the IV all the way to the nursery where I saw my girl safe and sound. It had been a false alarm. Then i started feeling the pain and could not believe I walked all the way there.

  116. I can’t stop laughing! When I had my children ( both via c section) no one told me abt the massage either! I literally wanted to punch my nurse in the face it hurt so bad! As far as the fart part goes…nope, we had to poop before we could leave the hospital and they had to see it..talk about shame..lol

  117. I am alternating between laughing so hard and reflexively hunching over and swatting at the air to protect my stomach from the memory of the nurse coming in to massage my uterus. You try to play it so cool but oh god by the time she was done I was clinging from the ceiling.

  118. I to had to “poop” before I could leave the hospital. My labor was NOT what anyone “warned” me about. I was in labor for 34 hours, had 2 epidurals (which both failed to numb me) at 6 am my contractions were literally over lapping on the little machine which made it malfunction. So they decided to have me push! At 7 am I was told I had to have an emergency c section so they wheeled me down as fast as they could, set up everything & was ready to go EXCEPT for the fact that the nurses failed to communicate that I was NOT numb so they cut into my stomach followed by a excruciating belting scream and me instantly being put to sleep. I woke up in recovery room that was big and spacious with the sun shinning in and loopy as hell DH tells me I rambled on about how we couldn’t take the baby home because our crib was recalled and wasn’t safe (mind you we had just bought a 600$ crib) which he reminded me and I snapped out of it and first thing I asked is “did I poop?!” Nurse replied yes I am cleaning you up now THAT is when I lost my “shame” I realized I was in the fetal position having this poor nurse wipe my ass. I tried convincing them that THAT was the poop that signified I got to go home. NOPE. Didn’t work. Then we got taken out of this spectacular room to a freaking closet in which we spent the next 9 days but I had phenomenal nurses so much that when we got home I locked myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes & just cried through the door that I want my nurses back for 10 the other 10 minutes I spent crying because I realized my emotional ass forgot I had a c section and couldn’t get up off the floor. Needless to say the worst pain was that scalpel cutting through stretched tight skin!

  119. Yes!!! NOBODY prepared me for the pain of a C-section.
    I, also, had 2 nursing students in the OR. I made SURE to tell everyone that if they got to see me naked from the neck down they had to strip down as I was wheeled out. Lol
    My REAL shame came the next day when I had to get up and walk to the shower. For some reason I wasn’t wearing panties, only had a HUGE pad covering my vijayjay. As soon as I started the painful journey to the shower; while being held up by the CNA, the pad plopped to the floor…FULL of blood. Stinky blood that ran out all the way to the shower where the poor CNA had to wash me because I was in so much pain.
    THIS is what sex education should include… Best birth control around-“Real Stories of Childbirth.”

  120. I had to poop before being discharged. The nurse scolded me because I flushed. Sorry you didn’t tell me I had to save it for you! And yes pooping for me was worse than labor. Because labor gave me the worlds worst hemorrhoids. At that lasted for weeks. Plus the heavy bleeding for 4 weeks after as well. Birth and postpartum are not pretty experiences. But worth it in the end.

  121. life beyond your own….all you women are fucking AWESOME….WTG ladies

  122. My friends keep showing me videos of childbirth and telling me stories of the aftermath O_O It’s how I’ve come to be a 36 year-old woman with no children of my own! Dangit!!! There should be some kind of law against scaring your childless friends with the full-blown truth >.< hahahahaha!!!

    *Did anyone else get a giggle out of Lourdes bringing the healing water to You? I was amused ;~)

    GREAT article!!! :D

  123. Hilarious! After my c-section I didn’t poop for 9 days!!!! I ended up back in the hospital and had an ER doc stick her hand up my ass to get all the shit out. I had 2 vaginal births and 1 section, I would NEVER choose to have a section!!! After my section, made my husband get the snippy snip! I am not going through that again!!! LOL

  124. Sigh…the good old days. I had four in the late 60s/early 70s. Back then they had wards instead of private/semi-private rooms so you got to experience childbirth as a group. For the first two I had general anesthesia. They didn’t ask–it was just done. For number three, I had all sorts of medical emergencies and I’m happy both the baby and I survived.

    Then came number four. She was a “vasectomy” baby after four years. And she was contrary from the beginning. She was the only one of the four that my water broke. I had no labor pains. I spent the morning at 3 cm. Finally my doc came in, announced he’d reserved the OR for 6PM because one way or the other the baby was coming OUT. That was 11:45 AM.

    She was born at 12:05 PM–twenty minutes later. During that 20 minutes, I very abruptly knew the baby was coming, sent the husband for the nurse/doctor/whoever-would-know-what-to-do! He came back with the lone nurse on the floor (after all I wasn’t progressing at all). She had a shot to “calm me down” because I obviously had NO idea what was going on. Ignoring all my explanations, she stripped my gown and bedding off (because I was still leaking and very wet) and then instructed me to roll on my side for this shot.

    And then she saw the top of the baby’s head. Whoa! She yanked the sides up on the bed and away we went down the hall to the delivery room, me and my little blue pad without a stitch on. Once on the delivery table she ran to the end of the bed and said, “I’ve got it. Push!”

    When the doc arrived, I was STILL naked…

    No shame.

  125. So I don’t remember if having a bowel movement was a requirement, but I still remember having that first one and it was not fun, lol. I did not have a c-section so I can’t relate to the staples or having to fart, but everything else I can remember vividly. I had high blood pressure, so they gave me meds. I couldn’t even hold my baby, barely managed to tell my husband to grab her before I lost all my strength. The nurses didn’t massage me, I had to do that myself. Breastfeeding was something I had really wanted to do, but alas, I too have “flat nipples”, so that even pumping was a lost cause. Oh and I suppose since you had a c-section one thing you didn’t have to deal with is pooping during delivery. Oh yes, the joys of becoming a mother :D

  126. Oh sweet merciful the uterine “massage”!! I completely blocked that out!! It was terrible! But not nearly as terrible as the post partum poop. That I couldn’t block out if I tried. I pooped while pushing, it couldn’t be helped. Constipated for a week before and in labour for 77 hours before he finally decided to greet us. I had him vaginally with epidural and as soon as I could feel my legs got right in the shower. I however was very lucky, one stitch and felt great after having him. I cannot express my condolences enough to anyone who had more than a very small tear!!! And vaginal farts?! Wth is up with that??

  127. HAHAHA! that’s awesome. All so true. ESPECIALLY the post-partum poops. My hospital wouldn’t just let me get away with a fart… I had to poop. I was in there for 3 days :/

  128. Great article!!! Isnt it amazing how we go through all these painful/embarrassing things and yet some still choose to do it all over again!? I was terrified i would poop when i had my first daughter. Vaginal delivery with epidural but it only worked on one side, and for about 30 min, felt everything after that. It is IMO what i believe hell must be like. No poop, just baby and some tears(like rips not crying)…those stiches HURT! also was NOT prepared for the avalanche of blood that hit the ground when i stood up to pee. Mortified is an appropriate explanation….

  129. Ahh the pooping! Right after my son came out they couldn’t get the bleeding to stop so they gave me suppositories to make it stop. What they didn’t tell me till it was actually occurring while I was laying on the table being stitched up was I would have explosive diarrhea for the next 24 hours! I spent the first day hospital bathroom.

  130. That was hilarious and brought back a lot of memories! Some that I had burried in my mind, hoping to never resurrect again! But thanks, your article was entertaining. And it reminded me again why everytime I look at my youngest child, who is adopted, I feel like I hit the jackpot!

  131. The “massages” are a necessary evil. I hve been called to postpartum for patients ” who don’t seem to be bleeding enough.” Of course they haven’t been getting their massages as ordered and as a result have a huge clot in their vaginal vault. Evacuation is not pleasant as it involves sterile gloves on the hand that is inserted into the already traumatized vagina while doing external massage of the uterus. Usually makes a huge mess on the bed.

  132. By far the worst thing for me was cleaning out my uterus after delivery. I am sorry. I just pushed out an 8 lb baby and tore and you are shoving your arm up to your elbow up there to scrape me out???? Wtf!!! I was practically kicking my doctor and screaming. He was making sure nothing was left in there? Again, something no one ever told ME about!

  133. They made me fart before I could eat! I went in at 5am to prep for a 9am C-section with my 3rd baby and I didn’t fart until like 10 pm… I yelled it out the door to the nurses’ station so they would order me some food! I had my 1st baby vaginial and during labor they talked me knit taking a bath, they came in and drew blood. Yep after that nothing really bothered me!! With my 2nd I had an emergency c-section and the epidural only took on one side of my body, talk about pain during cutting. With that c-section, no pain really after birth– I was back to my normal routine after about a week. The 2nd c-section was an entirely different story!! I had to lay over the bed to cough and I was coughing A LOT! I had her in December and it still hurt in April when I sat up or lifted heavy things!! People sure don’t tell you these things things

  134. Pingback: 10 SURPRISES The First Few Days After Delivery

  135. I laughed so hard!! This is all so TRUE!! I was upset by all the things that NO ONE tells you about child birth!!

  136. I am glad that I found this! I am due April 18th 2014 and this is my first, now I know what to expect.

  137. Yep. All so very true.

  138. Ok I just laughed so hard that I woke my daughter up(she’s almost 13). It’s all so true – I had vaginal and having no shame comes faster in the delivery room!!!!! Great article.

  139. Dont forget after they take the catheter out that they make you pee and that was one of the most horrible things I had to do after C-section, not to mention they want you to get up and walk 5 or so hours after your C-section and your still numb at your feet.

  140. I was the first one in my family to have a natural delivery so no one knew what to tel me about episotomy. A friend told me to put a Tucks pad in my sanitary napkin and it would help. I gave birth at 8:22 PM and by 1:00 AM I had my first poop! Nurses said I set a record for the fastest time. Second delivery was by C-section. My doctor put something in my IV and I was fine. Only bad time was when my gas had to pass. Wow the pain was horrible. All I wanted was a good fart. Nurse gave me Gas X and everything worked out well!

  141. Best ever! I wish I’d read this before I had my kids the best recap ever!
    I had an impacted bowel after my 2nd one…awful awful now I can laugh

  142. Great list! So hilarious!
    “it’s whateves forever!” love it.

  143. As a mother-baby nurse, I can tell you that everyone’s recovery is different, but the ‘monster pads’ (as I call them), the squirting of the hoo-ha, and farting is all the same!! I can’t express how happy we are to hear when you’ve farted. And peed! One of my biggest worries for a brand new mom is whether or not she will be able to pee that first time. Also, don’t forget the spinal headaches that sometimes come after the epidural is taken out. I am not a mom (yet), but all of my patients are an inspiration for me, whether its for how to act or how not to. Its a terrifying thing, that I still, oddly enough, can’t wait to happen :)

  144. Thank you!!!! I’m crying laughing. After 3 csections in 4 years someone has finally said it all! The post partum poop part made me laugh so hard that my baby is looking at me like I’m nuts. All worth it!! But all crazy. And yes, no more shame!

  145. Ah, thanks for the laugh! I had a home birth and 2 midwife unit births (this was in the UK – all legal and professional and such) and was not really prepared for the humiliation of hospital procedures after having my first at home. You want me to do what, now? And are you sure you want to look at it? And do I really have to ask you before I can ___? It’s awful, but by the 2nd go round at least you have no dignity left anyway. I’m not sure if I lost that during my first labor, when my mother in law was wiping up my poop and ‘helpfully’ describing what my hoo-hah looked like now, and now… or in the days that followed, when an endless procession of professional strangers came to my house and asked me to get my bits out for inspection… or when (as genuinely super-helpfully suggested to me by the midwives) I had to prepare warm water in a jug to pour down the front as I peed, to reduce the stinging – because by “I” of course I mean my father-in-law, since I was still limping around so slowly that I never would have made it to the bathroom in time. No, wait, I know when it was. It was when I did my first post-partum poop, and I (father-in-law) prepared the warm-water-soaked washcloth to gently apply pressure to my stitches with… and then re-prepared it…. and re-prepared it… for like 45 minutes as I cowered on the toilet unable to do it yet. Yep. That might have been it. I certainly had none left by the time I accidentally opened the door to the postman with my nursing bra open and one boob hanging out. I saw the look on his face but didn’t figure out what had caused it until I had shut the door again, and all I could manage was a shrug before crawling back into the mess of blankets on my sofa and snoring again. Fun times!

  146. Too funny, but right on the money!! Thanks for commenting, Kim-

  147. LOL…ah, yes, the not so joyous c-section. Mine was several years back but I’ve got 1 further humiliation to add to your hilarious list (hilarious because it’s true and we were so sure we “got this”). I wasn’t able to fart so they took a rubbery hose and…you guessed it…threaded that sucker right into my butt to help get rid of the gas. After that, I felt not one shred of embarrassment about asking my husband to help me use a Fleet enema. If men had to do this shit, population control would not be an issue in any country.

  148. Yeah I wasn’t allowed to leave until I pooped. I wasnt allowed ANY solid food until I farted. I think you got the short end of the deal on some of that! Our doctors use disposeable staples on the inside and then just steri strip and tape the outside. You showered and everything with them and they fell off on their own. Our doctors also use a thing called a “binder.” Think massive, tight ace bandage around your abdomen. It was annoying but really did help. The worst for me was the epidural stuff. With baby #1 they hit a nerve, which caused pain for months. And with both babies (yes I’ve had 2 c sections), I was dry heaving throughout the surgery. Apparently I’m really sensitive to the medication used. With my second one though, I had a better anaesthesiologist who figured out what was happening and put meds in the IV to help. FYI, I NOT find the 2nd one worse than the 1st. Maybe better.

    • Thanks, now I know why I couldn’t remember about this massage, i had the ace bandage thing too and the staples that just fell off. By the time i went home I had no pain at all from the c-section.

  149. This has officially terrified me. I am 23 and now convinced that I do not want to give birth. Omg. Thank you for writing this!

  150. My second labor I had about 12 people watching my cooch get contorted, with my husband right there, but he was not allowed to look. Lol. I kept a smidgen of shame apparently, but it didn’t last long. Before long I was showing him my cracked nipples ” does that look infected?” I would ask. “Sorry hun, I can’t wear a shirt, I’m engorged (and leaking six ways from Sunday).” Who needs shame when you have kids? :)

  151. As a Labor and Delivery RN for 22 years I was crying laughing so hard at this!! All TOO TRUE!! And the embarrassment/shame thing…it’s OK , I tell my patients we give your dignity back to you with your discharge papers. Keep writing, I LOVE it!!

  152. oh no ladies…let me add one that apparently only a lucky few of us have to endure: allergic reactions to betadine

    With my first child unintentionally having to be birthed vaginally and without that coveted epidural because “There’s just not enough time for it to work!”, they slathered on the fake tanning lotion for my hooha. The event happens, the world does not end, I sleep for the night. Then I woke up to an itchy taint. My significant other lifts my sheet and gown and literally says “Holy Shit wtf is that?” at my vajajay! Every inch of my previously slathered lady parts was covered in disgusting red bumps. The nurse handed my guy a large tube of ointment and a box of latex gloves and seriously said “Enjoy!”

    Also, I was allergic to tegaderm, which was the square sheets of tape they used to secure the epidural that decided to leave the party early to my spine, so on top of my flaming down stairs, I had a perfect square of allergy bumps on my back.

    • Oh yes, I discovered with baby #1 that I was a betadine allergy person too. Really fun. Had to have a D&C some years later & they missed the “allergic to betadine” notation. Got to experience that little joy all over again. Next baby time, I had a note written in RED pinned to the front of my gown!

  153. Fart. First they tell a pregnant woman after nine months of eating for an army that they can’t have anything after midnight the night before the C-section. So by the time you babies are born and you’re back in your room you’re kind of hungry…bad news…they can only give you broth. How are you going to fart having only ingested fluid? As it is you are attached to a bag and can’t tell when you have to pee.

  154. That is the best! I had to have a c-section with both of mine! My shame was lost in the 6 days of poking and prodding at my lady parts trying to coax my first child out… What really made it awesome was when the woman’s NBA player came in with her 10 inch fingers and said don’t worry we will get his baby out! I was like ummmmm with your man hands…. It was not fun… And the pooping thing well 18 days after my second child was born I gave birth again to a 12 lb turd… Took a few hours and some crying and chanting…. But finally happened and I was a new woman ready to take on the world and eat an entire cow…..

  155. Very funny & quite informative! I did laugh a lot!! I had no idea so much craziness was involved in childbirth. It makes me kinda glad I CAN’T have kiddos of my own (or so my Dr. says) & truly love my step daughter even more! I’ve ALWAYS loved her as if she was my own. I have been in her life since she was 8 months old, so to her, she’s got 2 mommas. And she calls me just that!
    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know your story was very cute. I just wanted to let you know (nicely) that in the part where you are talking about when you were trying to go #2 while your family was visiting, you said you were, “negotiating with god.” Well I thought you should know it’s not “god”. It’s “God”. ALWAYS capitalized. Even when you are talking about God & you use He or Him you ought to capitalize it. Just a little good info to have. I don’t want you to think I’m being rude, I just think that bit of information is pretty important. Especially if you are posting your writing on the internet. But otherwise, great read! Thanks.

    • Im an athiest. So, those rules don’t matter as much for a hell-bound heathen like myself. ;)

      Love on that step daughter and have an awesome day!

  156. They gave me milk of magnesia, colace and prune juice at the same damn time to get me to poop after my first C-section. Guess what happened.

    Fortunately, the second go round they just took my word that I pooped.

    I am also one of those assholes who healed brilliantly and was walking about, taking stairs, out of the hospital in 2 days, leaking milk everywhere. But I also had clotting, red lochia until 12 weeks, so I guess it evens out my karma.
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  157. Oh-ma-gawd!!!!! This whole thing has me dying with laughter. From the blog post to the comments, I can’t catch my breath!! I’ve had 3 c-sections and clearly I have put it all behind me. As I sit here moping that my youngest is about to be 9 and it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve carried a baby, I am reminded of the parts I wasn’t prepared for and don’t want to do again! Keep it coming. This is the best “what to expect when you’re expecting” yet!!!

  158. Oh I laughed so hard I was crying and I am only a dad that experienced all you said through my wife. I laugh only because you nailed the exact things she went through and she is a L&D RN and knew to expect those things! As she said, pre-baby it was real easy to “speak softly” of all the post-baby experience things….kind of like it won’t be a big deal. Now however, after experiencing them first hand she does not sugar coat anything :- ) It truly amazes me that women can selectively shutout the “joys” of childbirth after the first one and move on to have more. Me??? caught myself in the zipper one time and moved on to button fly jeans so it would never happen again.

  159. lol I remember both births of my boys…….this sounds so familiar…except I don’t call it massage either the nurse stood on the bottom rails of the bed and kneaded my stomach like a loaf of bread…..I never in my life wanted to smack the crap out of someone..then shes like ok time to go to the bathroom …really….and when I had my second I had to get up on all fours to have them turn him and when I turned back around and got all comfortable after using every swear word I ever heard…..P.S. im a former Marine ive heard a lot……there at the end of my bed was two students sitting on chairs taking notes……I looked over at my mother who stayed in the room lol they asked my husband to leave….and said they need to go now…im a bit homicidal….the nurse came over and said oh don’t worry they aren’t embarrassed …..lol really?? good for them…its abit of a deal they should let you know about so you can bring supplies like a baseball bat lol

  160. For those of us that gave birth vaginally, we must pass on the knowledge that, after the baby is born, you feel like you’ve been soccer kicked in the vagina 100 times. It hurts tremendously and no one thought to mention that to me before hand. That and the the fact that you’ll be pissing yourself for anywhere for a month to 3 years no matter how many kegels you’ve done. Fun times :)

  161. …which is why I had at home births.
    I’m only gonna presume your reason for not being able to poop would be the vicodin you were popping for pain. You could have had half the problems you did had you gone the all-naturale route.

    • Not thinking any one would want to go thru a C-section via the “all-naturale” route. When they cut your gut open, you want a little more than he-he-ha-ha breathing exercises & a focus spot.
      And the anesthesia is the real problem. Same problem with getting the intestines back on track whether its delivering via a section or having surgery for any myriad of problems. The anesthesia sort of puts your system in a holding pattern.

  162. I never had to passed gas or poo just to leave the hospital. I never had a bm during delivery with the 4 deliveries I’ve had. Yup 4 deliveries all natural no pain meds and I sat up and watched them come out myself. But my shame moment was when the nurse came in the room to check how far I was dilated and when she pulled her fingers out a bloody slimy mucus came off her fingers and hit the floor causing my husband to almost pass out lol

  163. with my first they wanted me to fart and poop before they were going to let me leave, I had farted but was waiting on the poop….. they gave me some crap to take but still nothing, I had went home thank goodness cause it took like 3-4 days before anything and it hurt like hell before hand.
    with my second they didn’t even ask me anything they just let me leave.
    how about when you have the baby and they come into your room and wake you up to wake the baby to feed it, baby is sleeping peaceful why are you waking us up for.

  164. LOL. My this was funny. I totally didn’t realize that when I gave birth there was going to be 20 different people looking at me. Plus the students that had to watch the doctors and the students that had to watch the RN’s. I also tried the Breast feeding thing and gave up in the hospital. It was overwhelming, and lots of people saw my breast….no shame anymore for me. :)

  165. ‘Just negotiating with god.’ Best thing I’ve read in ages!

  166. OMG – soooo true!!!
    I could have written #10. The nurse, same thing, was knelt down in front of me squirting “me” clean. Kicker was, I worked at that hospital and she was discussing work stuff with me as this was happening!!!

  167. Don’t forget to mention that if you DON’T do the kegeal exercises after giving birth (especially vaginal), you run the risk of peeing on yourself when you cough, sneeze, or laugh hard.

    As a mom, I had to poop and had to fart within 48 hours of delivery or they were going to have to give me an extra dose of Milk of Mag “to help wake up the gut and get things moving.”

    As a nurse, yes, we like to see that your gut is moving so that we can get you out of there and get you home to bond with your baby. Plus, we do the massages to keep your uterus firm so that you don’t bleed to death and that you continue to pee properly. Also, when nurses check your vag and the amount you have bled (which is documented in your chart), we also have to…smell the aroma…of your blood. Healthy vag blood has an earthy musty scent to it. If it smells any other way….dun dun duuunnn, you might have an infection and we have to notify the doctor. We also have to check out what your blood looks like. We also have to feel your boobs (especially if you are breast feeding) to make sure you are producing something and that you don’t have a hard mass in your boobs which could be a blocked mammary gland that can become infected.

  168. I actually did not have to poop before I left the hospital though I wish they would have made me. Also, my c-section was not horrible at all. I was literally up and walking around the next day with hardly any pain at all, though I have been told this makes me a freak of nature. I guess everyone’s body just responds differently!

  169. The Pope or President could have popped in and I wouldn’t have cared. Fart??? I was shaved and given an enema. It was truly a site to see, a woman squatting on the throne trying to empty her bowel while her body was wracking with labor pains. (Squatting because I would not sit on the toilet) No fart for me, I could not flush either #1 or #2. Oh the shame!

  170. While this is true as to what they do in the hospital I had a c-section and it was not at all that bad or painful. I’m not saying its not like that for some people but to a new mom this could scare them, ladies remember we are not all the same some of you may have a lot of pain or hardly any dont stress about it the doctors know what they are doing. So just remember when reading this, this doesn’t mean you will go through the same

  171. Okay, did no one else experience the joys of clogged milk ducts? This was back in the dark ages– the 70’s– so bear with me.
    End of day 1 after birth (which included 20 hrs. of intense labor, barfing all over my husband several times, & finally a C-section– oh, and I actually DID ask if we could wait & think about it a bit).
    Anyway, end of day 1– no milk in sight. However, boobs are approaching the size of volleyballs and hurting like hell. Even just the gown touching them was torture.
    End of day 2– still no milk & trying to get baby to nurse ranks right up there with taking a pair of red hot pliers to the nipples & giving some good strong yanks. (Meanwhile, baby is starving & letting us all know about it. Poor kid.) Boob pain has now multiplied to unimaginable levels. They were stretched so taunt I swear I thought they might burst or tear.
    Middle of day 3– nurse says I’ve obviously got clogged milk ducts (really?) and may need a little help getting the flow started. Tried pump– didn’t work but probably was responsible for dental work later on due to some cracked teeth. And for the bent hand railings on the bedside.
    Afternoon day 3– some poor LVN comes in & says she’s going to help me get my milk started, and I’m probably not going to like her. (Need I tell you some of the first crazy thoughts that went thru my mind here?) But bless her heart, she gets me into the shower, sits me on a stool, & turns the water up as hot as I can stand it. Water beating down on the now basketball size boobs hurts more than labor & I vow I will never ever ask for bigger boobs again EVER in my life. And still nothing is happening. God bless her, that nurse kicks off her shoes & steps in the shower with me & proceeds to start squeezing my boobs until I thought I would pass out. I’m hollering & scratching at the tile walls like maybe I could rip a tile off & beat her to death with it. (I now know why she closed both the door to my room & the bathroom door before we started this little scenario.)
    Suddenly success! The friggin’ dam burst & milk came shooting out of both boobs like a spray hose. It wouldn’t stop. The nurse is covered in milk, I’m covered in milk, but the boobs were singing the praises! She finally throws a towel across my boobs & helps me get dried off & dressed. Meanwhile, I’m still spraying milk in that towel like ol’ Bessie.
    So I’m thinking now this nursing thing will be a breeze, right. No, my sweet kiddo just never does take to it, and we still end up going to a bottle. Of course, every time I heard a baby even sign, my faucets turned on & poured. I went thru bra pads like crazy for a couple of months until the old body got the hint & gave up. There were times at night I swear I just took the newborn Pampers & stuffed them in my bra.

  172. As a labor nurse I had to laugh at this. It’s so true. I was 19 when I had my first child. My nurse told me, ” honey, when you come into the hospital to have a baby you best just check your modesty at the door and pick it up on your way back.” I use that to this day with my patients cause no truer words were ever spoken.

  173. Were you in the hospital with me?!? Only thing is my massages weren’t called massages. A nurse just came in and pressed my tummy and the flood gates opened! Great post!
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  174. Hahaha. My sis in law(whose had a baby) said that the Corpsman in my room were cute and how I could be ok with being displayed like that where they can see. I was like I seriously didn’t care. I also had to poop before leaving but didn’t need to show the nurse. She came in and said when’s the last time you pooped. I said very cheerily about an hour ago actually! She was like oh good!

  175. Great post! I love how once you’ve had a baby, you are inclined to share your stories when someone mentions pregnancy. My shame was long gone w/ #3 but in the hospital after her birth, I hunch backed walked to the bathroom in time for my gauze pad contraption to over flow all over everything. It was like that scene from Carrie. But bless the nurse aides’ heart. She kept telling me it was ok and not to worry because I just had a baby!

  176. Oh I am dying here! The fart/poop thing must be for a c-section because I had 2 vaginals and never had to do any of that! But now I am expecting triplets and I can only imagine the “massages” to be worse after a c-section. I have super shy bowels so not sure how that will work!

  177. This was super funny, thank you!!!

    I have to echo the sentiments of a recent commenter – some of the most humiliating, painful postpartum experiences can totally come by way of breastfeeding! I developed severe mastitis 10 days after delivery (and ultimately saw five different providers over an eight month period before it finally resolved). During each of those appointments, I would sit perched on the end of an exam table in only a gown… and without fail, by the time the doc or midwife finally made it in to talk with me, the entire right side of the gown would be saturated – as in 100% soaked – with leaking breast milk. At one such appointment, the doctor sought my permission to walk four different med students through the exam room to look at my giant, fire engine red right breast; each time he brought one of them in, he emphatically announced, “this is truly the worst case of mastitis I have ever seen!”

    If you’re not familiar with mastitis, it’s a horrible infection because you can’t fix it by stopping bfing – in fact, that’s the worst thing you can do because it can lead to abscesses and other worse outcomes. So you just have to nurse through the searing pain of an impossibly engorged breast. And you get to do that as many times a day as baby needs to nurse. I recall days of crying through every, single nursing session. Truly the most physically painful aspect of motherhood I have been through. Yeesh.

  178. Oh, shame, what a topic. I remember after 24 hours of labor I was so tired… this was the “good old days” when a C-sections was not done at the drop of a hat; I had actually interviewed 4 OB/GYNs in order to find someone experienced with forceps, etc. because I DID NOT a C-section and by the time you have been in labor for a day w/o medication (natural child birth), if they tell you they have to remove your legs to get the baby out, you actually think about it!!! I too agreed to let anyone look (students, students and more students) I felt like I was having a baby in Grand Central Station or at least, in the center ring of the circus. At by the way, it was 38 years ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday.

  179. This so was me with both however worse with number two. Pooping was horrible however I learned a nice trick after number one, that helped a bunch. #7 was crappy with number 2. C-sections suck and no one will ever get it, if they never had one. Everyone I tell (they have natural, however did not) explaining to them is like talking to a wall, they like compare natural as worse, I am like do you have layers of stitches inside you or like have your insides pull out, so they can get the darn child lol.

  180. This whole post is spot freaking on! The whole magnesium thing…yeah,I fell asleep in the middle of telling my husband to shut up because he was making fun of me for saying the ceiling was spinning!

  181. hahaha been there done that 3 times. but i would never admit to farting lol. for my first c-section they kept me in the hospital for almost three weeks with enimas to do me a life time. still would not admit to farting. lol the nurses got smart and they would stand outside my room in the hall and listen. well i couldn’t hold it any longer. thought i was going to blow her to hell and back lol. i was sent home the next day lol

  182. very good article. i really enjoyed reading

  183. I’ve never birthed anything and I still laughed.
    Reminded me of talking to my sister after my nephew was born.

  184. This is the funniest article about childbirth that I have ever read! I too had to poo before I could come home. Luckily, I had disposable stitches so I didn’t have to have staples removed. However, my moment of shame was when the doctor came in to check my incision and my husbands father and his good friend were sitting at the end of the bed. The doctor just threw back the bed sheets without asking any questions and proceeded to check the scar. Meanwhile, my hoo ha was on display for everyone to see. Thanks Doc for the show and tell!

  185. OMG! This was hilarious but so true. A lot is the same when you have a vaginal delivery. I had an episiotomy with my daughter to where they had to cut into the rectum so it made the first poop all the more painful. I cried and came out drenched in sweat. The stitches also pulled especially when they are coming out. They also don’t warn you about the feeling of your hoo hoo when you sneeze or cough and it feels like it is flapping. Then there is the engorgement they don’t warn you about and how your breasts will droop and sag after this happens. Also that your nipples can split, crack and have pieces break off. :( The things we endure for our children.

  186. I had 2 vaginal deliveries the second of which the epidural did not work! So pretty much unmedicated he was a whopping 9 lbs 8 oz!! There was tearing so while the Dr was stitching me up she laughed while saying just how bad my hemorrhoids looked! I ofcourse was expected to report when I had a bowel movement before I could go home too. But then I didn’t poop for almost a week despite all of the colace I was told to take! The day my son turned a week old I was in surgery for my hemorrhoids and anal fishers. Which believe me is way worse than delivering a almost ten pound bowling ball! Try pooping after that…then came the request for me to report my fart LOL

  187. I just want you to know I cried laughing and relating to this list, as a mother of 6 year old twins I had via c-section. Thank you for this hilariously accurate write up.

  188. I pooped like a champ in the hospital. My nurse didn’t even care. Little did I know the real monster was waiting until I got home. It took me 2 weeks to get that thing out. On top of my stitches, I felt like I was sitting on a baseball. It was definitely a NO.

  189. well, funny read . . yet with my first C-section the skin and soft tissue had attached itself to the staples, so when they pulled them out even that the skin actually tore. when my husband visited that afternoon, he could not believe my condition as we had lost ground that day. the second C-section 5 years later wasn’t as bad but the first was pretty bad as I felt upon coming awake that someone had hit me in the stomach with an double blade ax. just glad to be alive~~ pam

  190. The post-partum poop is spot on…it is literally worse than giving actual birth. It feels as if someone is trying to rip you in half starting at your rectum…NO is the perfect word for it! And FYI both times I gave birth, they would not release me until I pooped, so consider yourself lucky that they only made you fart lol…also as made evident by this response, I also have no shame, that goes out the window sometime before childbirth during your super fun prenatal visits….especially if it’s your 1st child and people are hell bent on going with you to the doctor. I am also really bad at hiding my crazy…I should probably work on that, my kid starts school this year!

  191. Not bad at all made me laugh I had a 20 min talk with my nurse telling me it would be okay to poop, I was so scared to so ya.

  192. No shame whatsoever! I pooped while pushing and of course that lil golden nugget made it in the birth pictures, too! There’s my beautiful baby’s head crowning and a turd laying right below. Lovley. We of course left it instead of cropping it out because darn it, that’s funny!

  193. This was soooo funny! I’m one of the RN’s that works on PP. It really is business as usual for us and we love our baby moma’s!

  194. No shame whatsoever! I pooped while pushing and that lil golden nugget made it in the birth pictures too! There’s my beautiful daughters head crowing and a turd laying right below. Lovely. We didn’t crop it out either because darn it, that’s funny!

  195. Great article and COMMENTS. I spent 20+ years working as a Labor & Delivery nurse, loved my job. Remember someone who matches all the ladies who have commented. “Watched” for 6 years before I was brave enough to experience it for myself, my one and only time! I still have former patients say they remember me after many years, the memories never leave!!! :) <3 Babies

  196. I worked 20+ years as a Labor & Delivery nurse. Loved my job. This article is great.

  197. Shame….what shame lol for my first baby nearly a few hours after delivery having had an epidural I said to the nurse I have to go pee. She said she will get me a bed pan but I insisted I get up and go to the washroom. I got up and Whoooosh!! Pee everywhere I thought my bladder exploded lol my response oops I guess I’m done ;)

  198. Spot on! Laughing so hard I might wake up the kiddo! Kiddo…only 1!!! Her vaginal delivery was so traumatic for both of us! They whisked her away due to head injury…she had an abnormally huge head not intended to come out of a 10cm hole especially since she never crowned and I never had time to stretch appropriately. I had level 3 tearing inside and out…and the level 4 episiotomy [sp?] was necessary to save her life. Reconstructive surgery immediately followed her delivery so that I could be the proud owner of two exit holes again instead of just one…300 stitches later I was good as new! Holy crap-o-la…I was fine in the hospital. But once I got home was another story altogether! The drugs and euphoria had clearly worn off…I could not stand. The burning and pulling was intense…I crawled on all fours to get from one place to another.

    Never had to poop at the hospital…didn’t even want to once I was at home and barely moving! It was two weeks later and lots of medicinal intervention to get there!

    As heart-breaking as it was to leave my daughter at the hospital once I was discharged [she had to stay bc of the head injury during birth], it became very clear very quickly that that was exactly where she needed to be bc this momma could not take of her! God works in mysterious ways sometimes! I was given 30 minutes a day to visit her and old her…that was a crazy feat of determination to get down the stairs and into the car to go to the hospital and get out of the car. Thankfully I could rely on the wheelchair at the hospital.

    Today, she is 6, thriving and beautiful! And we only have 1!!

    • Baby #1 came early. Had her on Wednesday and home Friday morning. We weren’t quite ready so DH went to town to run the necessary errands. I was home alone with Baby when that dreaded moment came. I took her in her baby seat with me to the restroom because I didn’t want to leave her alone. Good thing I did. She got hungry and insisted on nursing. My milk came in and was squirting everywhere. I was trying to keep her happy while doing a very painful but necessary thing. It was daylight when I entered the bathroom, so I did not turn on the light. Daylight in Alaska in January shuts off pretty early. I had removed my nightgown due to all the mess. Remember, Alaska in January!! Thirty years ago = no cell phones. It was HOURS before DH came home because he was accepting all the congratulatory cigars for having a baby!!! At least she was warm and well fed!!!

      Thanks for all the reminders of the good times!!! I had managed to forget about the “massages”.

  199. It’s been 42 years for me, but this article brought it all back. I laughed so hard. Childbirth is not for the weak. But luckily the body forgets and we do it again. I had triplets the first time and 3 more after that.

  200. I wish they made me poop…. 5 days later a sweet hell of a second baby was born. Also called, “No”.

  201. I am SO glad they didn’t require me to poop before I left the hospital after my C-section… it was probably a week after delivery when I finally jumped that hurdle! I was popping stool softeners like an addict. In fact, I was more concerned about running out of THOSE than I was PAIN MEDICATIONS. POST SURGERY. Also, they don’t always bother to tell you that if you have a C-section your milk will be LATE! Like, seriously late! Because your body expects a baby to be delivered in exactly ONE WAY, and when you circumvent the process, it takes a while for it to figure out what the hell happened. I seriously wish I had been told THAT before I spent that first week in frustrated tears trying to feed my beautiful, healthy, INSATIABLE child. Ah, motherhood!

  202. I knew of the pooping thing and the troubles that were meant to happen but my body had a different idea. It decided not to keep poop in. At all. My silly nurses kept trying to force stool softeners then probably wondered why I needed so many pads.
    Long story short. A 3rd degree tear with post childbirth diarrhea = not good.
    Gosh having a baby is such a beautiful experience. ;)

  203. Holy cow, I have never laughed so hard and I have never been so completely terrified while laughing so hard. OMGosh, seriously? I’m giving birth in June for the first time. And what is this about anal bleaching, what?? That’s a thing? And people do that?? I was seriously just more concerned about what I would be wearing in the hospital. I didn’t know I needed to be concerned about my anus. Also, Im from the US, but living in Brazil with my husband, so I don’t know how much of that will happen here, but I definitely think they don’t have those mesh underwear…anyone wanna send me a pair?!?

  204. Talk about shame. While pushing my son out I had an explosive bm and poo ended up all over my doctor and his safety glasses. I was so embarrassed I wanted to just get up and leave with my son still in there and everything. Thankfully my mother and the doctor kept reassuring me it’s normal and it happens sometimes and there’s nothing to be ashamed about. Ashamed?! Ha! I was absolutely mortified!!!

  205. Ha! Those are great! There’s a lot I don’t remember about my immediate-post-birth days, but I connected with a lot that you said.
    I, too, had a c-section and had that panic attack (although mine was brought on because it was an unplanned c-section); and yes, it was as painful as you said, afterward.
    I either don’t remember it, or never experienced the uterine massage, and there weren’t staples in my c-section closure, thank god!
    I remember being on stool softeners, but I don’t remember the first poop.
    I think it’s a good idea for expecting moms to learn about these things so they don’t feel so lost after the baby/ies is/are born.

  206. It’s so true about all the stuff they DON’T tell you! However, there is a little secret that can be immensely helpful with the first pooping after….LIQUID CHLOROPHYLL! You can buy it at healthfood stores. It tastes like eating grass, but it helps in a lot of ways, but pooping was never an issue with this stuff (be warned, it’s very green…so will your poop be :))

  207. Well, I’m chuckling, but that could be cause I found so much truth in your words…. And because I delivered over 10 years ago and the physical pain has long been behind me. I, too, had the “less painful” option of a c-section and had no idea of the massive amount of fluid, clumps of junk & blood that would still need to evacuate my body via my vagina… Shock of all shocks! Every single thing you mentioned has at some point been either in my brain or flown outta my mouth. From the magnesium naps to being unable to breast feed… So, from where I am, to wherever you are, I’m sending you a metaphorical high five & a hug; cause we made it, sister! Who needs shame or humility anyway?

  208. Wow I feel sorry for you all. I didn’t experience a c-section but did deal with a lot if these incidents with my first born in the hospital and because of it I came to my senses and my 3rd was born at home, none of what was described happened to me then. After my sons birth we cuddled for 45 minutes before his cord was cut, after that I delivered the after birth while my husband and older kids held him. The uterine massage was nothing like the hospital my midwife cupped my stomach applied gentle pressure and that was all NO PAIN! My midwife helped me to the toilet where I relieved myself, she helped me shower gently then dress. I got back in bed feel refreshed, food was brought so I could eat and after that we weighed the baby did his quick well check and latched him on to nurse where I was guided the entire time. 2 hours after my birth my son was placed in his co-sleeper everyone left my older kids were asleep in their beds and my husband and I slept the next 4 hours in each others arms. The next morning my older kids came to my room to see the baby’s, my daughter went off to school and my middle son played in my bed. My midwife came and checked on me, no need to flip about poop it happened 3 days later no biggie, we talked and I was left again to cuddle my kids and husband in our home on our terms. The reason I choose homebirth is for the weeks afterwards!

  209. I had a c-section also, and they made sure I pooped before I left. Which, as you know, is difficult if not impossible. The nurse came in with a suppository, and I told her I would do it myself. Now going just two days after a c-section is very painful. Also they didn’t send me home with any good drugs. They gave me tylenol.

  210. That was the best! Please write a book…. I would be first in line to buy it!

  211. I had 2 c sections and did not experience any of this. I was up thr first day walking and showered and cleaning my hospital room the next morning. I was back at work a week and a half later on light duty. I didnt have a problem going to the bathroom and I didn’t take pain medicine once at home. I couldn’t imagine going through that. Thank goodness I was blessed twice.

  212. They put a catcher in the toilet and made me pee a certain amount with the threat of putting a catheter in if I didn’t! Also they advertised a jacuzzi tub in the room and it sounded so nice… eff that! You don’t want anything to do with that crap!

  213. I remember the things falling out of the vag. No one told me this!! I had a catheter in me for a couple of days, (I had to stay a week after because I developed a fever, along with my daughter. They pumped us full of antibiotics.) Once they took the catheter out I was able to get up and shower. I thought Yippee! SHOWER! My husband just left to get his lunch, and there was a priest outside my door to give me communion. I had an aide in the room with me to help me out of bed and I felt a woosh! Right down my legs. For some reason, I had it in my head that you lose the ability to hold your urine in after they take the cath out, not that I was laying on my back for four days and haven’t moved. Instead of looking down, I apologized to the aide and said “Hon, I’m so sorry I peed on your floor!” To which she replied, “That’s not pee.” I looked down and actually started screaming at the top of my lungs “Is this NORMAL? IS THIS NORMAL?” I amount of blood was unbeleviable, I thought I was dying! In the mean time, while I was hanging on to the bed to keep from slipping on the blood, the aide went to the door and proceeded to holler “We need house keeping in here!” It dawned on me that the priest was still wanting to give me communion. And he saw the whole thing. I turned around and he was GONE. I never saw him after that. lol! When my husband came back after an hour, I was as fresh as a daisy with a diaper in place. He never got to see the murder scene unfold. :)

  214. You are an amazing writer! Thank you for sharing your story…and your shame.

  215. Im a labor and delivery nurse and u found this hilarious! Ah first time moms. We love you. I haven’t read all the comments, but I’m wondering if you know about the return if Aunt Flo yet? If not, let me warn you, it’s the most disgusting period you will ever have. You thought the postpartum stuff was bad. Oh you just wait. Don’t say I didn’t warn you ;)

  216. This made me cry, partly from laughing and partly from remembering how very true all of this was. I had an emergency c-section with my first and a repeat c-section with my second. It is amazing how many of the details I had conveniently forgotten about the recovery process. Thank God for that or I might have never done it a second time. As it is I opted to be done at two because I don’t think I could go through all of that again. Thanks for sharing.

  217. I too had twins and this is ALL spot on!! I was laughing and crying (in remembrance) as I read this page. They just turned 1, so this is all still real in my memory :)

  218. I had my tubes tied after my 3rd so I had to stay in the hospital longer. I looked and felt like I was still preggers. I hurt, and wanted to fart so bad, but couldn’t. I wondered why the nurse didn’t seem to care that I couldn’t- certainly they didn’t want me there forever?

    Then the day arrived that I was to go home, and was told to lie on the bed. The curtain was pulled ’round, and the nurse reached down, gave a sharp tug, and then pulled…and pulled…The pain was excruciating-it felt like my intestines were leaving my body a foot at a time. I looked down to see a mound of gauze that could have overflowed a 5 gallon bucket x2.

    No wonder I couldn’t fart, though I was required to pee after they removed the catheter. I dutifully drank, as the nurse dutifully wrote down what, and what time I drank it. Hours went by, and she became convinced I was pulling her leg when I said, “no I did not pee,I can’t pee.” She explained all about irritation and swelling, and after awhile she added psychology.

    Once again I felt bloated, miserable as well as slightly anxious. How was I going to convince this %$##@ that I REALLY couldn’t pee, and that wasn’t all in my head?

    I yelled, “seriously, I CAN NOT pee,” and Nurse Ratchett smugly told me, “Well! We’ll just have to put the catheter back if you won’t go.” Like that was supposd to scare me, and I told her to go right ahead.

    The nurse was the next to scream-scream for someone to get her another pitcher, as one after another overflowed, and soaked the bed. Astonished, she said to no one in particular, “Nobody can hold 2 1/2 liters of urine.”

    I quietly reiterated, “I told you I couldn’t pee.”

    • My son was so big he actually pinched off the catheter. The whole time I was in labour they were pumping me full of liquids but nothing was coming out. As soon as he was born I filled 2 containers.

  219. What they did not tell me is that you have NO control over your bladder after birth , So the day after I went to WALMART . While in the depends isle I started laughing and well , clean up on isle depends. My step mom and I were mortified , but seeing how you lose your shame . I walked head high got some yoga pants changed in the bathroom and continued shopping . It probably helped I was still on pain killers !

  220. Don’t forget about the generous after birth as well as pack your undies with ice packs! That is always fun… Said no mom ever!!!!!

  221. I had everything set up for my delivery. No needles!! But the day beofre my daughter was born, we found out she was frank breach. There went my dream of no needles. I had so many needled stuck in me that I can still feel them. (my daughter is 32). Not to mention when the nurse tried to remove my cathiter, she did’nt
    unflate the little balloon thingy all the way. And afterwards gas so bad I thought they were going to tie a string around my ankle and let me loose. Back then, they gave me a harris flush. Water up your keeister to help you fart or poop. After going home, I still had not really pooped, but being in familar territory, when it happened the pain was like childbirth again. With such force it stuck to the toilet. (sorry). But after all that, I was finally on the mend. Oh yes. And I went on to have 2 babies in more of the same. So I guess when they say you forget the pain, it’s true.

  222. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time! I had 3 c-sections and thought I had lost all shame after the first one, but apparently, I still had a few shreds left when I checked in for my 2nd c-section…

    While I was being prepped for surgery, what seemed like every single doctor and nurse on the floor came in to my room to get in on the floor-wide bet on how big my baby would be. They were pretty sure they were going to get their first 12 pound baby of the year because I was as big as a freaking dump truck. (I won that bet, fyi. My son weighed in at *only* 9lbs 13 oz.). There’s only so many times you can hear a nurse say, “Ooooh… That’s going to be a huge one!” before you start to feel like some sort of beached whale exhibit.

    Once they were finished guessing my baby’s weight, I was moved into the operating room for my spinal block. When the anesthesiologist was finished, he was helping me lie down on the table and he kind of rolled me to my side a little, which made me start to fall off of the table because once my ginormous stomach got going one way, there was no stopping it. Since I was completely numb from the boobs down, I couldn’t do much but yell and flail my arms, which I am sure was very helpful. It took 5 nurses and doctors to haul me back onto the table. Just to add to that mental picture, I was stark naked and my legs kept falling totally open while I watched in horror. Awesome.

    When they finally got me back on the table, my doctor delivered my son and held him up for me to see and then one of the many students in the room yelled, “Oh! He just peed right inside of her!” That was a little unnerving. If he’s peeing on me when he was born, I can’t imagine what he’ll be like as a teenager!

    After I got all stitched up, I was rolled into recovery. I have problems with anesthesia (that are documented in my chart) and I cry and shake uncontrollably afterwards, so I immediately started sobbing and shaking. The nurse kept asking me what was wrong and I kept trying to tell her, but I was crying too hard, so I just kept looking at my husband with crazy eyes, trying to telepathically tell him to tell her about my anesthesia problems. He didn’t get the message, which made me cry more, so the nurse decided that my husband was the root of the crying and she sent him to another room to meet with Social Services to be sure everything was ok with us. She told me that was where he was going, which made me cry even harder and made her even more sure that he was the problem. After a lot of blubbering, I finally got her to take a look at my chart to see that I just cry like a maniac after anesthesia and my husband was allowed to come back. Once he was back, the nurse asked me if I would like something to help with the shaking and I said yes. She immediately rolled me onto my side and stuck the needle right into my butt. I totally wasn’t expecting that. I felt like a 3 year old.

    I finally made it to my room and after a few hours, I was up and walking around. Later that night, my nurse asked if I wanted to take a shower, which I desperately did. She told me to make sure my husband stayed in the bathroom with me and said she’d be back in just a few minutes. I got in the shower and proceeded to tell my husband how great it felt to be clean and then the next thing I remember is about 8 people hauling me back into my bed because I passed out in the shower. Again, stark naked. Lesson learned: do not take a hot shower after a c-section. The good news in all of this? Apparently, I managed to fart loudly while they were dragging me back to bed, so I was finally allowed to eat solid food. My husband gleefully told me I was allowed to eat when I mentioned to him that I was hungry later that night. I told him that they said I had to fart first and he got the biggest grin on his face and proceeded to tell me how I farted right on one of the nurses (stark naked, of course). He couldn’t remember which one it was, so I felt the need to apologize to every nurse that walked in my room for the rest of my stay.

    The next day, my doctor came in and asked if it was ok if a student observed while he examined me. I said ok and he asked her to come in. I was nursing my son at the time and I looked up as they bent down and saw that the student was a girl that was my “little sister” in high school and she was staring at my cooter. I just put my pillow over my face and resigned myself to finally having lost that last little bit of shame that I thought I might have actually been able to save.

  223. What about engorged breast. I was separated from my husband, but I needed his help. My daughter was not getting enough milk and it was so painful. I had to beg him to help me out. Talk about embarrassment. Hey I need you to come over and suck this milk out.

  224. This is THE BEST! Having given birth to my second less than a week ago I can all too clearly remember ALL of these! I didn’t have a c-section but still very much of the same apply. My husband and friends are all too familiar with my experience with the dreaded first poop- ahhhhh it’s terrifying! I was laughing so hard through this entire post that I almost woke the baby. What a great sense of humor you have- keep it up! :)

  225. Reading the blog took me back 16 years and I laughed myself into tears because this is exactly how I felt. I thought to myself then “Okay being induced wasn’t so bad.” Until that first pain hit me but I was still determined to go natural of course until the contractions got stronger I screamed at the doctors for the drugs… the best epidoral ever… at 9cm I stopped dialating after being in labor for 15 hours the doctor say “Sorry but you can have her vaginally at 9cm…” I cried like a baby as the wheeled be to the operating room drugged me some more and delivered a sleeping 8 pounds 12 ounce baby girl( She slept through the entire labor and delivery) But the aftereffects after all the drugs wore off made me want to kill my daughters father… the pain coupled with an extremely bad reaction to the magnesium and a dangerous case of toxemia and high blood pressure I was at a total lost… there was no place for shame. Thanks for sharing this article

  226. consider yourself lucky! i had the c-section and everything went on as NORMAL as any c-section until late the 2nd night…the nurses shift change came up and this grumpy old wicked witch of the west came in and didn’t say anything to me she was rude. and my hubby let me get a few hours of sleep while he took care of our son. well i woke up in so much pain. bc the wicked nurse didn’t bother bringing in my meds over night!! Like HELLO!!! i just had my stomach cut open!!!! i should NOT have to ask for the meds!! then… i was able to move to the rocking chair and i had by dad put the leg rest down so i could get up and when i went to stand up…. my thighs all the way to my toes were so swollen i couldn’t bend them!!!! they grew 3x the normal size! now i have awful stretch marks all over the back of my knees and and thighs. im not to sure if sexy will ever come back to me justin timberlake..

  227. Either I’m really lucky or…I don’t know lol. Because half of these, never happened. I had an epidural, didn’t have to do or announce any bodily functions to leave the hospital. Never had BM while giving birth. Wasn’t in pain after, had a few stitches but they were healed by the time I got home and finally did have to go BM. Yeah….maybe I’m really not kidding when I tell people I had the easiest pregnancy and delivery in history. I used to joke about it but read things…starting to think it’s not a joke lol.

  228. My Loss of Shame moment: My doc asks me if a student can assist with my postpartum vaginal repair. I say sure, then look at the guy. I dated him in high school.

  229. Yes the have you farted? Having family cheer you on what a moment,, c-section for both my kids horrid clots was the least of it

  230. I didn’t give birth long ago and was an emergency Csection and never asked if I farted or pooped! I didn’t poo for a week after I got home.

    Well said though! Most of the Drs and nurses were men, I had a few women, the men were way nicer, didn’t push on my belly as hard.

    Induction was the worst though, pure nausea and vomiting! The catheter was great as well!

  231. Omg, the flat nipples. I have flat nipples too!!! I gave up after 3 months of bleeding nipples and bi-lateral infections. My doctors response when I told him I was pumping? “Well, that’s not a good enough excuse.” EXCUSE ME??!! %*&$%#@ It’s a good thing that we forget most of this stuff after a couple of years or else we’d never have more kids.

  232. I also was quite embarrassed when the doctor….uhm…”massaged” my poo from me DURING labor with my second. Listen, I know we can poo during the miracle of birth—and I’m pretty sure I did with my first (that doctor was discreet enough not to say anything when it happened). But I really don’t think I needed to have someone “help” things along…..

  233. hilarious! it’s been almost a year since I had my son via c-section … i had to put my coffee down so I didn’t spew it all over my laptop while reading this! so much hilarious honesty in this article!! love it!

  234. I’m currently expecting my first baby…whew. You are making me reconsider what I’ve done! (ok not really but shew. The uterine massages part made me physically convulse in sympathy pains)
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  235. OMG, spot on. For me, the 1st poop was a long awaited/dreaded trauma. I was over-due with my first baby, and was induced. After 11 hours of labor, (and 2 epidurals, oh sweet relief!), I had a vaginal delivery of my *9 pound* firstborn son. I’m 120 lbs, mind you! My OB used vacuum suction to assist, and I had to have a 3rd degree episiotomy. (My mom joked that I did have a C-section….just “down there”)

    The episiotomy recovery was something no one warned me about! I took the Percocet the nurses brought me, and vaguely recall one nurse casually saying “Now, these may cause constipation.”

    Fast forward to 1 week later. I was still waiting for that first poop, and what a fresh hell that was! It was horrible. My husband would take the baby and tell me to go take a nap…45 minutes later he’d realize I was *still* in the bathroom, just trying to poop. I’d sit on the pot and wait, and cry big, postpartum tears. No one warned me of this, so I assumed I was just totally losing it! Seriously, my poop for the first few times was like hard clay. I had not anticipated the psychological terror of pooping hard, packed clay while sporting vaginal stitches.

    Had to sit on my little donut for 5 weeks after delivery. I remember shuffling to the car with donut in hand, ready for hubby to drive me to a postpartum checkup, and a nosy neighbor wanted to chat about my new baby. Ugh! Small talk is hard on a torn up new mom! I was like “This donut & my painkillers are my new best friends!” And that was awkward enough for her that she left. Lol!

  236. You, my friend, have plagiarized this… Directly FROM MY BRAIN. Lord, I think I may have just had c-section flashbacks reading this. And seeing how my vaginia and I will be celebrating the fifth anniversary of passing clots the size of golf balls in just two short weeks, it was especially timely.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane! I’m printing this post out to tape into both my children’s baby books so I don’t actually have to write their birth stories myself. You are a life saver.
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  237. Oh so very true! All of this. At least you got to leave after a fart! I’ve had 3 c-sections and every time I was not allowed to leave UNTIL I POOPED!

  238. I had to have an emergency C-section for my one and only due to stalled labor at 6 cm. Had the epidural and everything was going great until the doc went to cut the final layer of skin – the perinium (? Spelling), before getting to the uterus. Epidermal didn’t work there. I started screaming at the doctor to stop while trying to will my legs to move and kick this sadistic man away. Doc says “Can’t stop now.” A mask appears over my face and I’m told to breathe, I look up at the anesthesiologist and yell that I am before promptly passing out. Got home to find out I’m allergic to percocet when I break out in a head to toe red, itchy rash that lasted about a week. Loss my shame a later while visiting friends. Had a hard time with breast feeding up till then. Sitting on the couch holding my baby up against my chest and decided to move her to my lap. Husband’s best friend comes over and asks if I had another shirt with me. Look down to find my shirt soaked with breast milk. Had to borrow one of his large shirts as I was to big for his girlfriend’s shirts and ended up stuffing my bra with toilet paper to catch the rest. No problem breastfeeding after that. :-)

  239. Oh my gosh. I was laughing so hard. I was honestly just waiting for you to get to the post-baby poop. That is by far the most terrifying of all of them. And, I would almost say worse than actual labor. Thanks for the great laugh! :)
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  240. I gave birth in Brasil, where i grew up. During labor, i forgot that i spoke fluent portuguese, so i had to rely on a translator. I asked for pain killers, but her solution was prayer, ugh. my son was born naturally, no painkillers.
    I was so sore & tired after i couldn’t lift him for a few hrs. i shared a room with 3 other new moms. At night, the nurses wouldn’t turn off the lights “so you will wake up if someone tries to steal your baby”. He stayed in my bed from that moment on.
    We only stayed one day, my son was slightly jaundiced, but they still let us leave. The other women were jealous, saying i got preferential treatment because I’m American & my son has blue eyes. I’ve never been happier to be American then that moment.
    P.s. The after poop was horrible.

  241. The hospital ran out of stool softeners while I was there. How does that even happen? And they told me I couldn’t take the ones I brought…yeah right.

  242. I am crying laughing. Because this is all TRUE! Im pregnant with my second right now and not looking forward to all of THAT again. But its so worth it (:

  243. Love this – so very true! Especially love #10. I, too, had twins and while in labor my doctor and my husband were talking football while the doctor was massage my cervix so I wouldn’t need an incision. Seemed very normal as the moment – now it seems very creepy!

  244. The pooping is one thing, but the ‘lactaction army’ is something else! At any given medicated hour, these crazy women come to grobe your already sore boobs. Flat nipples or not, its painfull and annoying.
    PS- those mesh panties are on a ‘model’, not someone with an extra 50 lbs and a jiggle belly to go with it!

  245. I didnt have to poop either. in fact they didnt even require me to fart. I have severe 4th degree tears though. My baby was only 6 lbs and she tore me completely open. I couldnt poop for 11 days, then i drank that magnesium citrate stuff. Suddenly I was pooping through my vagina! So I went to the ER, the doc examined me and found out I busted my stitches between my colon and my vaginal wall, so the poop was being diverted.

    ……It took a year and a half and two surgeries later before I pooped normally. If anyone has poop issues, its me. That whole experience messed me up as far as poop goes. lol! But for the record, I am all healed and everything comes out of the right holes now. <3

  246. Thankyou!!! You said it exactly! You are so right no one ever tells this part.

  247. Awesome article. You had me laughing at points. Way to go momma!
    Desaraev recently posted..Workshops for Group Exercise Teacher TrainingMy Profile

  248. Your article made me laugh. Hard. I experienced all that and more. With my first, who was 10lb 13oz, I was 20 years old and had no clue what I was getting into! I wish I had known more then as I do now. Especially being a birth photographer I’ve learned a lot. I also got the question of, do you mind if student nurses come in as well? Oh yes of course that’s fine, mid pushing not thinking about it I said yes. Well I ended up with 4 nurses, my family of 4, the dr and I believe 2 student nurses. In my tiny ass room. One of the students was actually someone I went to high school with. Embarrassing!!!! Well finally after 2 hours of pushing, forceps and a vacuum he came out. Looked like someone committed murder under my bed but at that point I was in for 36 hours and I was exhausted. Thankfully the second went a lot smoother with a c-section. With my first experience the c-section was a walk in the park. Not to mention I had 32 stitches with my first. Staples in my abdomen was nothing.

  249. wow this is all too true! I have a history of bad births, from almost bleeding to death to very long recovery times to literally bleeding for the next 10 weeks after giving birth. my first son was a csection because he was a 10lb breech during which I had to go under general anestetic because i felt the first cut (scariest thing ever) during the surgery I hemmoraged and needed 4 pints on blood transfused. the only thing i remember for the next 6 hours after my son was born was going in and out of consciousness and screaming in pain whenever I was awake. I literally thought I was dying and was ready, just to end the pain. after that week long hospital stay it didn’t get better too quick after coming home, it took a good month before I didn’t need medication to feel somewhat normal. maybe Iam a whimp too but seriously screw those women who are up walking around the next day like nothing happened! so fast forward 2.5 years my daughter is born just before christmas in the most crowded birthing centre you could imagine. women are literally laboring throughout the hallway. I gave birth in a tiny little birthing room which was fine i really didn’t care. it was quite interesting hearing so many other women screaming in pain as well. (once again my epidural did not work) so it was basically natural delivery of another 10 pounder (no girls are not THAT much smaller then boys lol!) 3rd degree tearing occured becuase she was born face up, the doctor (bless her heart, she did such a good job) stiched up my lady parts for 40!!!! Minutes. I will never be the same again…never! and oh the blood…yeah it was like a murder occured in that room. recovery was much better then the section but yes that first poop is like giving birth all over again! fast forward another 3.5 years (Aug.2013) I had my second son and I was all gung ho that 3rd times a charm (even though I endured severe anemia during the whole pregnancy and needed iron infusions every week for the last 2 months of my pregnancy) I decided to try the epidural again, my nurse was so awesome she was so confident it would work this time. the anestesiologist had a VERY hard time inserting the needle in my spine as they did in the past (WTF was I thinking? oh ya..I wanted the worst pain ever to be gone!) the epidural worked on and off but it did work when I most needed it. it was hard to push properly since i couldn’t feel my lower half but I did manage to push out another 10 pounder (not face up, yay!) still quite a lot of stich work needed though. the placenta took it’s sweet time making its escape which caused more bleeding, and even after it finally came out (holy crap, it was as big as the baby!) my uterus just kept filling back up with blood. thats where the wonderful uterine massage comes in. I lost count how many times she did it, and I screamed bloody murder every time, but I starting realizing it was serious after i was getting dizzy and every time she ‘massaged’ a huuuge ammount of blood would gush out. she finally called my doctor in and a whole team arrived to ‘explore’….well next thing i knew a hand and partial arm was up my vagina into my uterus SCRAPING around. (AFTER BEING STICHED!) holy F I have never screamed so much in my life. I wanted to die. worst.pain.EVER! I don’t know how my husband stayed so chill though he doesn’t like talking about it now. one nurse was putting another i.v in to bring my blood pressure back up and then the wonderful pill up the butt which they told me NOTHING about until the absolute horrible conciquinces started occuring. it was to stop the bleeding which was worth it but for the next 6 hours I had the absolute worst diarreah ever. I was still numb and was crapping the bed. I could barely enjoy my baby and bond with him but at least I was alive and my baby was healthy. I felt so gross and dirty! blah! even after i could walk a few hours later I would drip blood and diarreah all the way to the bathroom. yep I was pretty much the worst patient ever. I realized this so I would clean myself up every half hour which was VERY difficult because I had an i.v in both arms, and a catheter to drag around. I was so tempted to remove it all myself. this went on all night, so I couldn’t care for my son. next morning I had 3 pints of blood transfused. next thing was a shower which i never needed more in my life! only plus side of this birth was no painful poops!
    so, yes birth is messy and gross, but so worth it. hope someone enjoys reading my birth experiences :D <3 <3 <3 Gavin, Jocelyn, Brody <3 <3 <3

  250. I must have been too exhausted because I don’t remember a lot of those things, or maybe I’ve just blocked out most of those first few days.

  251. Ok, all the pooping during delivery way up there in the thread… I was given an enema both times and never pooped while delivering.

    Pooping before I went home, yah, had to do that both times and call the nurse when I did. I sat on the pot and cried for 30 minutes the first time. I thought I was going to pop stitches and would then have to go back in for some kind of surgery to fix things I had messed up while trying to poo.

    I had both mine without use of any medications . The first time, it was a choice I had made, the second, there was just no time. I never had meds afterwards, either but, boy did I wish I had something other than Tylenol when I got home.

    Really, though, after reading some of the other experiences, I had it pretty easy, I guess. The worst pain I think I had was when the hair started coming back in. OMG! At least, that is what I remember most.

    To all you other mothers who went through worse, I applaud you for making it through without killing someone.

    Oh, by the way, I lost my shame in recovery. I was young and very shy when my first was born. I was most horrified when I needed to go pee and my nurse at that point was male. I asked if he could just wait outside the door. He told me he had to make sure that I did not pass out or fall. I said , Oh, ok and, sat down to pee.

  252. Thanks for the laugh! Yeah, it’s amazing that having a kid totally kills any sense of modesty or shame you have.

    Speaking of poop, when I had my 2nd child (first vaginal), I had to warn my husband about me potentially pooping when I pushed. He looked at me hesitantly and I said, “Look, everyone else in that room knows it happens, has seen it happen a million times, and will be expecting it. I don’t want everyone to be politely pretending that it’s not happening and you suddenly shout, ‘Oh my gosh, dear, are you really taking a crap RIGHT NOW????’ Yes, I’m probably going to poop, so please just keep your mouth shut like everyone else, okay?” He looked a bit mortified but agreed. Turns out I did poop, and later on, he felt compelled to give me the graphic details about it. Ummmm….okay.

    Oh, and those breezy maternity panties are rather….breezy, aren’t they? :p

  253. Thank you SO very much….
    I had an emergency c-section as well.
    Everything (and I do mean everything) you’ve mentioned is true.
    Honestly, I haven’t laughed this hard in FOREVER!!! My husband still jokes that he “knows me so much better now bc he wiped my ASS”!! Just like the scene from Big Daddy, only I couldn’t “wipe my own ass” as a result of the pain, wires, tubes, and more wires. I mean, come on, who wants to get “gas (or ass)” all over a sterile IV. Not to mention it took that so called phlebotomist all but one last remaining vein (in the crook of my arm) to hit a vein.

  254. Oh my lord! I nearly fell over reading this! Too funny! Thank you for the reminder, I nearly forgot how awful it really is.
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  255. Oh my, thanks for the laughs! My favorite part: “You’ve got way more important things to worry about than whatever that thing is that’s stuck in your hair. Is it a Whopper? Perhaps your baby’s umbilical cord stump? Could be. But knowing right now isn’t going to make it any better, so let’s go to the park.”
    My baby is almost 2 but it’s nice to remember how far we’ve come :)

  256. Oh my gosh as one who has had 2 c-sections this was spot on! I was lucky with my first one I had an epidural and then a spinal so didn’t feel a thing. With my second I also had pre eclampsia and had magnizeum. I would be in the middle of a conversation and pass out, my hubby thought it was funny.

  257. OMG SO TRUE!!!

    Love this list.I have 5 kids and while they are all older now 21,18,16,13,10 1 natural no drugs,2 with drugs ,2 C sections. Lets start with the pain meds lol there was a thing called state all when i went into the hospital took the contraction pain away for you to be able to rest and not be on the edge of the bed while the good ones where coming and going.Loved this had told several friends that are going to have babies to remember that name and ask for it lol…Loosing shame i dont think theres anyway that you can go through child birth and not loose it lol between all the stuff that comes out of you at any moment in time and them waiting you almost stalking you to poo.It was poo with me also for all 5 i wish it had been to fart.Now for the lovely “massage” OMG its def almost as bad as having the baby all over again.Pushing on your stomach like that made me want to hit her it was not cool anytime to this day i do not like my stomach pushed on for this reason lol with my c sections i thought my guts where going to fall out on the floor everytime i laughed or coughed it was horrible having done it all the ways you can im telling ya with drugs is the way to go still sucks but it sucks the least lol trust me ..

  258. They got tired of waiting for me to poo so they sent me home and guess where I ended up… yep… back in the hospital a week later with so much built up that they had to do xrays and then “clean me out”. No shame after that experience.

  259. I’ve had 3 c sections and of course it got easier by the 3rd. The spinal block is what got me, talk about a panic attack…i couldnt breathe. During one of my c secs, the nurse dropped the vacuum hose and it was going crazy all over the floor with my blood going everywhere meanwhile they are trying to keep calm so i wouldnt panic which i did. When they roomed me, i couldnt stop puking as my visitors are holding my baby. Fun stuff! The blood clots, omg! The poop I always did before I left the hospital. The shower and the vaginal squirting cleanse…I refused the nurses in there with me, I’m stubborn. My hubby was more than happy to help me out, he’s such a trooper.

  260. My only experience has been as a 16 year old. I miscarried 5 months in. I would not recommend ever being so young and pregnant. I’m now 34 and can’t seem to get pregnant again for anything. Anyway, I may have just been young, but I was mortified when they sent a male nurse in to give me a sponge bath. Sorry, 16, was put on meds to stop labor, then meds to induce, three days in and poking and prodding and called a liar cause the second ultrasound tech couldn’t find the baby like the first one did and then a male nurse comes in asking me to strip in front of my mom and her fiance to sponge me off and I think I kinda mentally broke. My mom finally convinced everyone to leave and she did it while I ‘went somewhere else’.

    I was told I needed to poop before leaving but they finally gave up on me. 30 mins after being home I passed the fetus and hid it in the bathroom trash to take out the next day while alone. The whole thing messed me uo for a long time.

    Parents tell girls their virginity is precious or whatever, but really, if people told girls, teenagers the truth about what can happen during pregnancy, the truth about having a dozen or so strangers checking out their vagina, scars, etc. Maybe they wouldn’t romanticize it all so much. Cause it is true, a girl is just not ready for all that at such a young age.

  261. This was phenomenal! I’m not sure if I laughed harder at the actual post or the comments after. I have so many thoughts and memories running through my brain right now. Both my kids were fairly small…6lbs 5 oz and 19″ (yes they were exactly the same). Yet I still pooped on the table both times so those saying it doesn’t happen with smaller babies…yes it can. I remember after my first I was SOOOO mortified when it happened and I was laughing out of nervousness and talking about the smell. The whole room was looking at me like I was an alien haha! With my 2nd I didn’t even notice (but I did have an epi with her so I literally felt nothing from the waist down)
    And I wish I was given nothing but ice chips like others talked about. But when I was having my son, I came in ready for an induction, well rested and chipper and HUNGRY. They said, “Oh it will be awhile before you get the pitocin so you can eat if you want!” REALLY??? Well then!! Please bring me the biggest, fattest, most overstuffed cheesy ham omlet you can bring me with a giant glass of juice!! About 15 minutes later and only halfway through my omlet they were pumping me full of pitocin…but dammit I was determined to finish that omlet! Who knows when I would get to eat again??
    …I puked 4 times during labor…
    My loving boyfriend followed me and my IV pole to the bathroom every time. Held my hair back and grabbed some TP and wiped my trail of blood off the floor behind me. God bless that man I love his heart. Fast forward 6+ years and I was in labor for 19 hours with my daughter and hadn’t slept in 28 but as hungry as I was you better believe I didn’t eat a damn thing!

  262. Hahaha I have laughed so hard reading this, because yes it’s all true! Boy did I need this laugh! Thank you

  263. I don’t think I should have read this! Ha all of that sounded terrifing! Considering adoption hahaha

  264. I have to say, I have laughed my way through this, and nodded in agreement.

    I have been blessed with 7 children, all vagional births, and only one with an epidural.

    When having my first, I didnt realize how much shame I actually had. The birth wasnt horrible, I even had 5 med students in with me, who all had a go at cervical measuring.

    It was the after birth care that had me! On my first I had the epidural. They didnt warn me of the first stand up gush! Needless to say, I cried in shame as it splatted on the floor, in front of the cleaner, who they summoned in prep for it. You would think they would warn me!

    Although, I must admit, I did love my hospital vagina sprinkler system. It was this nifty little hose that you attached your little sprinkler head to after popping in a soap capsule. Out gushed lovely warm soapy water that you could use to ease the burn of the pee. I shamelessley sat there for half an hour at a time with the sprinkler on because it felt nice.

    Anyone else get a diaper filled with ice for your sore bits? Nice and chilly AND absorbed the mess.

    Its funny. The shame you lose. I recently had to go to hospital for womens issues and laughed my guts up at a doc who could not say the word vagina to me. She would only say front passage…

    Hey doc, call it what you like, just sort it…get in there, have a look and fix it.

  265. Heck yeah. I remember them telling me I had to fart before I could leave lol! And let me just say that massage part almost for my nurse hit. I was in recovery after my c-section and she came in and pressed on my stomach and asked me if it hurt. I told her yes and she left. She came back like every 5 mins and kept pressing harder and harder each time and each time I told her it’s hurting worse I need something for the pain. The last time she came in she pressed down really hard and I had to grab the side rails to keep from hitting her. I will say though that besides that I had a great delivery.

  266. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!! Especially the “Uterine Massage” part. I was so horrified that nobody had warned me about that: I kept saying, ” NOBODY told me! It wasn’t in any of the books! Why didn’t anybody TELL me?!”
    I have made it my mission in life to tell every pregnant woman I come across that this will be happening AND that they can refuse and do it their self!

  267. Girl! I’m so sorry! A lot of this applied to me as well (and I’ve been through 2 of them). But my first doc used dissolving stitches on the inside and glue on the outside (no pain in the shower) and the second doc used dissolving staples. I didn’t realize every doc wasn’t doing this…..and why aren’t they?????

    Very funny narrative. Thank you for the smile!!

  268. The birth experience can be good….or like hell. With my first my husband was left downstairs in a waiting room and I was wheeled up to the labor/delivery floor. They examined me, gave me pills and twilight sleep, and told me to go to sleep. No information on how dilated I was or when I might expect to deliver. I woke up screaming in pain. That made the nurses move really fast. When I asked for something for pain, they said NO as I had already had pain killers. They then brought in 12 student doctors who, one by one, stuck their fingers up my anus to check dilation. No, they didn’t ask permission, they just did it when I was in severe pain. They left me alone in the dark and I finally managed to drift off into a drug induced place. I awoke feeling intense pressure and pushed the button for the nurse….No one came. The next thing I knew I was on the floor and there were people around me. They put me back in bed and tied my hands and feet to the bed spread eagle style and gave me more drugs. The last thing I remembered was the doctor cutting my vagina to speed up delivery so he could get to a meeting he had scheduled. I screamed and more drugs came my way. I awoke 8 hours later not knowing I had given birth. With my next two I refused drugs but still had no control of what was done to me. When the doc wasn’t there on time they pushed my knees down and held my legs together so I couldn’t give birth. Talk about pain! Guess the Labor and Delivery process has become more humane in this day and age…Thank goodness.

  269. O.M.G. I laughed soooo hard! “Oh, just negotiating with God.” LMAO omgoodness, I can’t even…hahahahahahaha Your entire blog post was spot on to every last detail! I too had c-sections, 4 of them, and this was true for all! LOLOL

  270. OMG…..I’ve been an OB nurse for almost 35 years and this had me almost rolling off the chair in laughter. It’s life, it’s how it goes, it’s what I do, and believe me, if I wasn’t able to laugh and cry along with my patients AND my co-workers, I never would’ve made it this far! I look forward to more reads of your blog. Power to the Mommas :-)

  271. I’m laughing so hard! with my first the epidural wore off while I was pushing. The Dr asked for a booster. When the anesthesiologist came in and gave the meds he proceeded to pull up a chair and finish his coke and snack! ( while watching me deliver my baby) I didn’t care at the moment cause all I wanted was the baby to come out but my husband was pretty upset.

  272. This totally made my day! I laughed so hard, I cried!!

  273. Very funny and very accurate! Yup. I had to fart before leaving too. I was lucky enough to escape the uterine massage, though. As for the hemorrhoids, my OBGYN told me they are like snow globes. You know, a little souvenir you get when you go on holidays and take home with you! Not hilarious.

  274. Ha…I had several nursing students in my room during delivery. One thing that wasn’t mentioned was the fact that sometimes during pushing (for a vaginal delivery) that you poop. My husband was mortified but seeing as this was our second child I had definitely lost my shame :)

  275. I literally just spit coffee onto my phone reading #8. They’re LADIES!

  276. Spot on completely! Any shame a woman had before birth is definitely out the window afterwards! I have cracked up!

  277. I laughed over most of this. I had all 4 of my kids at home. So I didn’t have any intrusions before, during, or after. I did everything myself, I didn’t worry about anything. My Midwife told me EVERYTHING that you only found out on your own. I did discover on my own something regarding pooping that was totally awesome. When you are pregnant and also afterwards, you get on your hands and knees so that you take the pressure off your bowels and you kind of have an ‘inward fart’ so that you relax and the poop just comes down to the ‘door’ without any pushing. Works like a CHARM!! Helps when you are constipated too, not just for pregnancy. I know, it’s weird, but seriously, WHATEVER works, is good, right?

  278. Laughing so hard!!! Hilarious!!!!!

  279. A to the Men. I was laughing so hard! I want to post a warning note- “do not read if you are directly post-baby. Laughing will hurt you!!” Also, the first time I pooped after my second c-section, it felt like a giant soft ball was trapped and didn’t know how to escape my anus. I literally had to push on it from my vag area to direct it to the right hole. Birthed my third baby right there…

  280. This is so spot-on and THE MOST hilariously written article on childbirth, EVER! I am attempting to laugh quietly because I’m at work, so I had to stop reading a few times and collect myself while wiping away the tears of laughter!

  281. This is the most obsurd whining and crying over a c section that I have ever read. I had 3 and never had to PASS the placenta, never had my stomach massaged. Was walking the day after, did I mention, I did not have the bikini cut, I was cut from belly button to pubic bone. Try that and then start crying like your baby… Get a life and suck it up, I was never even given an asprin for pain, no need for it.

    • Wow. There’s no reason for this kind of negativity! People handle pain in very different ways. People’s bodies recover in very different ways. Not to mention, her writing style is meant to be overly dramatic to add humor.
      Tera recently posted..Batman Baby QuiltMy Profile

    • I agree, there is no need for such negativity.

      You may not have required pain meds for your c-section (lucky you), but it would appear that you have pain of a much deeper nature that you should look into.

      Obviously, from the many post that have been made on this site, a lot of women have felt helped by this blog. There is camaraderie and validation in sharing. I know as a FTM I am very happy to have come across a forum where women are talking so freely and honestly about their experiences.

      I hope for a speedy, medication free birth, without need of a uterine massage. But if I have such a delivery, I will be exceedingly thankful for my luck and not look down on those who were less fortunate in their experience.

      Best of luck to all those heading into delivery and I commend all those who have already made it through. :-)

  282. No one warns you of all the madness. Thank the Lord for my friend and boyfriend at the time. If we all werent close then we sure are now..who knew there were so many fluids in your body. I threw up like crazy. Then the fluids were juat coming down from below..smh.

    the after csection poop felt like forever so getting to the bathroom. Nurses took to long I had to GO!!

  283. That was epic! The post-partum poops part made me laugh so hard I cried, seriously, real tears, because I still think I suffer from PTSD from the ordeal. My negotiation with God took place in a restraunt bathroom. My husband thought is been abducted! The crazy part is we forget and volunteeringly choose to do it all over again with the next little bundle of joy!

  284. I’m really surprised about the flat nipples thing. I had inverted nipples before having my first and breastfeeding her actually helped bring them out. I was able to breastfeed both of my kids to 15 months. However, I do know every woman is different. (I’m a pro-breastfeeder but not the pushy kind.) I also didn’t have to fart or poop to leave the hospital. I only had to pee. I guess I got lucky on that one. ;) I had completely forgotten about the “massage” though. x_x I’m pregnant with number three and now I remember I have to look forward to that again. lol

  285. This all adds more fuel to the fire of why I do not ever want kids. But….it can’t be all that bad because most women have multiples….so, it can’t hurt that bad to go thru it multiple times. Just saying….

  286. This is so funny. I had two kids naturally. I actually had to poop before I left the hospital. Try telling a body that has been traumatized to poop. It is not easy. All I wanted was get out of the hospital and go home. You are correct when you say you lose all modesty in the hospital. You don’t care who sees you. As for “massaging” the uterus, that did hurt. They did that to me as well. I even asked them why they were doing that. In the long run, I got two beautiful and healthy children out of the experience. Don’t feel bad about the breastfeeding. I like you had flat nipples. It wasn’t working. It was so much work. I tried for a week to breastfeed my second child, a son, and it didn’t work b/c of the nipple problem. Breastfeeding is not for everyone. I truly believe that. He is doing fine at the age of 27. He was breastfed for about a week. He just wasn’t getting enough and really had to work for it.

  287. Thank you, dear niece just about to pop and this is just what she needs to know!

  288. I am dying laughing over this. I have been so annoyed by the lack of truth women receive while pregnant for the first time. I’ve had to dig for the whole truth so thank goodness there are people like you out there telling it! And in a hilarious way.
    Tera recently posted..Batman Baby QuiltMy Profile

  289. I just lived through the entire process again by reading this. Whoever said that C-section is painless and easy? And the pulling of the muscles whenever your kid jumps on your tummy bang on!

  290. Love this! So true and thanks for putting the funny to it! :-D

  291. I have not laughed so hard in a long, long time!!!

  292. I read the post and started laughing…then I started reading the comments and I am crying uncontrollably! I had four deliveries, all vaginal, one – the last one – with an epidural. My babies ranged from eight pounds to my “ten pound wonder” and the things I remember most clearly (youngest is 23) are the catheter, especially its removal; after pains while I was nursing that were worse than labor pains; my OB/GYN and my husband (an attorney) trading jokes about their respective professions which I interrupted every time I had to push; and giving birth to number 3 on a Saturday in November at noon (admitted at 11:45 AM) and having my doctor change the radio station in the recovery room so I could listen to the University of Michigan football game. My kids were born between 1981 and 1990; we didn’t have those sexy mesh panties with the industrial-size pads, just an overnight pad with a belt. I heard a woman early in labor say she wouldn’t wear a pad, she had always used a tampon. I thought the nurse would choke, she was laughing so hard. I’ve always wondered how that gal managed after the birth of her baby.

  293. That was great! Although I’m fairly certain that you and I had the exact same child birthing experience! Right down to the twins.

  294. This is absolutely the best thing I have ever read! I smiled the whole time while reading this! I gave birth to my first son 14 months ago and reading this brought me RIGHT back to the delivery room and the first week at home!! Soooo great =-) Love your honestly and shamelessness!!! Its nice to know that I am not the only one! Ha!

  295. Hilarious, but only because I can relate! 3 c-sections and 1 abdominal hysterectomy later (I’m 33); the stuff you go through that no one tells you about! I had inverted nipples, but I tried with each baby. I finally admitted defeat. And my all time favorite question from people is : “You bleed from your vagina when you have a c-section? How?” Um. …. Well you see, what had happened was. . Lol. I like to get very informational and graphic to explain it! ;). Thanks for putting this out there. A must read for everyone! Haha

  296. My girlfriend and I are going to have a home birth. Please, please, for the love of all things decent, will you ladies all go and watch “The Business of Being Born” on NetFlix and stop letting hospitals put you on your backs to give birth? Apparently on your back is the worst way to deliver a baby, because it constricts the passageway the baby takes through your hips. We are horrified by the C-section mania and looking forward to a pleasant natural birth (hopefully). Also, hospitals practice medicine as invented by the Rockefellers: Look into it. It’s not at all designed with your comfort or the baby’s comfort in mind. I found nothing funny in your article, and I am very, very sorry for the loss of that moment when you deliver a baby naturally (that was in the video). Anyway, check it out: The Business of Being Born. Must see. Phew. Peace

  297. I laugh so hard while reading this post I had to run to the bathroom before I peed myself! ( also something I lost control of after having both my kids) lol Thanks for the good laugh! My husband was looking at me like I was crazy laughing so much.

  298. Oh how true! I had no idea some of this was possible before giving birth! About that shame thing, the first time I went pee after, I passed out on the toilet. The nurse caught me and in rushed a whole team of nurses. I was then considered a fall risk and couldn’t pee without supervision for the entire duration of my stay.

    There’s also the lovely swelling after a vaginal birth. When I did grit my teeth and go pee (because OMG did that sting!), I had no idea where it was going to go. Aiming was not even possible. I’m embarrassed at how many times I had to clean the toilet and floor- and not always at my home.

    Only a fellow mom could ever relate!

  299. This narrative is spot-on! I laughed until I cried! You give up all dignity, pride, privacy, & possibility of embarrassment! A warning would probably not be believed!

  300. This should be required reading. If I had known how much passing kids through my va J J would completely wreck it I’d have gotten a c section. That’s what I’m advising my daughter to do. Most likely why Angelina Jolie had her kids outta the country. Didn’t want to ruin party town for her and Brad. Sorry. No amount of kegels can fix this s– t.

  301. I think my shame is still in the delivery room. Nothing like having your legs in stirrups and a giant spotlight on your hoo ha while the doctor, the L&D nurse, the nicu nurses and your mother all stand there staring at your crotch waiting for a child to emerge.

  302. Post partum poops….invest in orajel. It numbs. You go number 2. That’s how desperate I was.

  303. Omg, shame went away when my mother-law helped me spray my vagina and saw my breasts while helping me breast feed. I told her if my husband and I ever divorced, she is stuck with me for life since she saw my lady parts. Lol

  304. I just had to say, thank you for this. I have 2 children. While I adopted them both at less than 3 months old rather than giving birth to them, I was certainly able to understand the seriousness of these 10 things. I laughed so hard I had to start over reading a few times. Thank you so much for shedding some humor on this lovely thing called being a woman! Loved it all!

  305. With first child I went to the hospital on Wednesday and had him on Saturday! I was toximic and had to have magnesium. I was so hot I wanted to be naked! I wasn’t allowed out of bed and no food! That’s 4 days without food! Are these people crazy?! I went crazy on Friday yelled at my father-in-law, cried to go home and lost my babies heart beat all in a matter of moments. The in law deserved it! He was talking about food and made my blood pressure go up to 210/100. The nurse asked him to leave! Amen! He finally exited my body and they clipped his tongue and circumcised him at the same time. I could hear him screaming so I run, that’s right, run!, out of my room down the hall and start beating on the nicu door trying to get to him. It was tragic! My milk came in at that very moment so I went sobbing back to my room soaked from top to bottom and dripping as I went. He was beautiful 4lbs 12oz! No stitches no pain!

    My second child I went in on Tuesday and had him on Thursday. My brother in law got trapped in my room. He was studying to be an emt so the doctor had him with gloves feeling my vagina and asking if he felt that. Our relationship has never been the same! When I finally have him I had to push so hard I ripped up my urethra. Talk about not being able to pee! 45 minutes just to pee sucks! I couldn’t even imagine pooping after that. I had to tack on another 30 minutes for that. After an hour and 15 minutes of being in the bathroom making noises that sounded like screams I was done!!!

  306. OMG! I have never laughed so hard I cried until reading this amazingly accurate description of childbirth. You are an amazing writer and even more so a hilarious experience sharer. I want to read more! Or better yet compile a book from stories such as these, I’ll add my two whoppers of deliveries! Seriously amazing job!

  307. How about how nobody tells you that the after-cramps get worse with each additional child?

  308. I don’t know you, but we just bonded.

  309. So true, all of it. Try an revisit for an emergency enema 4 days after birth. Of course we lived on the 2nd floor and I had to be carried down. When the er nurse said have a seat and wait, I told her she was crazy!!

  310. I know what you went thru… Other than the staples… They used the dissolving ones with both my c-sections… And with my first one… I had a a terrible sinus infection… You talk about PAIN EVERY TIME you cough!!!! I would’ve rather red had 10 spinal blocks!!! Back to back!!!! I still have nerve damage in my stomach… Can’t fill some spots… And trying to lose the extra skin…. NOT EASY AT ALL!!! And like you said about having a panack attack… Yeah I had to wait 5 hours for my csection…. But I did the same thing!!! Couldn’t hardly breath!!!! But all in all… Yeah no… I wouldn’t wish a C section on anyone so I will not say if do it again…. That crap hurts!!!! Bad!!!!

  311. Never laughed so hard in my life. Every detail is correct. Goodbye sleep forever.

  312. This is all VERY real and very true. I was so obsessed with the pregnancy and reading about every little thing my body was going through…I completely forgot or didn’t think about what to expect after. Let me tell you, the nurse’s face of “are you freaking kidding me????” when I asked if I needed the two pany liners I brought from home, will forever haunt me. I had no idea the amount of blood I was going to shed and of course, yes, it makes sense to me now but I was so clueless at the time!

  313. Oh my, lots of painful poop experiences post birth, I cleverly lied my way out of the hospital assuring the nurses I had taken a poopy earlier on in the day, 3 weeks I waited to go, 3 agonising weeks I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my whole life. Safe to say I’m never doing it again.

  314. Oh my hell, I am scared to death to have a child. Crap…. whelp, it’s safe to say, I”ll prob own a farm of dogs.. or cats instead (and I’m not even a big cat person)…

  315. Oh, my gosh! THANK YOU! Best, and most accurate depiction of my own experience with my first baby that I’ve ever read! I too, turned preecclamptic, & had the devil-drug magnesium.. My doula actually caught me as I was falling off of the toilet (falling asleep). I ended up with an emergency c-section- totally opposite from the ‘natural, unmediated birth’ I had planned. And ‘ditto’ on everything! I felt soo unprepared to go home because I couldn’t even stand up straight.. How am I supposed to tote around a 9lb baby!? I wouldn’t have survived if my mom hadn’t come out from AZ to help.. I was actually pushing hard with my doc this pregnancy for a VBAC because recovery from major surgery while caring for a newborn was beyond torture.. Well, I have a c-section scheduled in 5 weeks due to some medical issues, and your article couldn’t have come my way at a better time! I was lying awake in bed thinking about the chance I’d be paralyzed if the spinal went wrong… I’m probably going to read this every day till then to make me laugh & ease my nerves!
    Ps- My nurse told me that c-section mamas have to prove their bowels are functioning properly before they leave because of the abdominal surgery, so for you mamas, who perhaps don’t recall the poop or pass gas question, maybe that’s why?? I had a nurse that actually snuck me coffee to stimulate my bowels.. ;)

  316. I LOVE your style of writing. Cracked me up. I hope there’s more. ;) I was rolling.

  317. They made me poop with my girls my youngest daughter is 6. But wit my son that is 31/2 months they just made me fart and they they all were born in the same hospital.. I think the worst part is u kinda to forget all the stuff u have to do in the hospital and u have another baby n all comes back to again n ur like oh no

  318. WOW…just wow – so true, I will share this some soon to be new moms. Hysterical.

  319. true….true…oh yes every line is true. especially the pooping part. i was actually crying to my hubby while carrying my 6 day old son sobbing”imdying..im dying. it hurts.i cant poop. im scared”

    • to top it off after a week it was still too painful to sit. on my 1st followup visit with my obgyn, she said my skin was not absorbing/melting the stitches from my episiotomy. she had to take out the stitches right there and then w/o any anesthesia. hurt like you would not believe! i went home, had a gaping hole w/c i could insert my thumb in.

  320. They never made me fart or poop lol and they only gave me 1 stool softener the whole time I was in the hospital

  321. See, now I didn’t have to poop before leaving the hospital, but maybe that’s because I didn’t have a C-section? I did however have to be able to pee immediately after giving birth, or they were going to make me get a catheter. Talk about losing the shame! I had the nurse standing in the bathroom with me, staring at me condescendingly while I sat on the toilet trying to pee and couldn’t. Her statement was “well, that’s because you didn’t have an IV and now you are dehydrated”. My reply was “no, it’s because you are staring at me. Can you please turn the water on and turn around for a minute?” And then I peed. Which I think pissed her off.

  322. I actually felt sorry for her, most men do not know what the women go through for us. I only laughed when the requirements for getting out of hospital to go home was required.

  323. Just wet my pants, shamelessly. OMG this is hysterical. Thank you for the laugh.
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  324. I didn’t have ax section when I gave birth to my boys five years apart. Yes. It took me a long time to get over it! I can empathize with you though. Thanks for stirring up those memories! And congratulations!

  325. I gave birth in the ’80s so I have never seen those adult diapers they wear now. I remember walking down the hall in the hospital wearing a pad and all of a sudden a clot the size of a dinner plate (no foolin) came out of me and onto the floor. I was horrified!
    But I must say- the memory of that first poop was enough to make me stop at 2 children. I thought I was the only one.

  326. Im about to give birth to my first child n this info really just gave me a eye opener

  327. Oh my god I have never laughed so hard….my husband thought I was nuts. Thank you so much for this

  328. When my daughter was born in 1975, you stayed in the hospital for an uncomplicated vaginal birth. I was young and didn’t realize I was in labor the day I had her until about 5:30 PM. Everyone I saw that day said “are you okay?” I had a weird, not really painful lower back ache but that was all. Something must have been showing on my face though. 5:30 PM. I started in with the diarrhea and by 6:30 PM I was laying on the couch, quite in agony, thinking OMG this is just starting???? My mother was taking me to the hospital but didn’t want to be up there “all night” and was dilly dallying around. At 7:15 she decided we should go to the hospital but she had to run into work real quick. Between her place of employment and the hospital, she realized my labor pains were about 15 seconds apart. That kicked my mama into high gear! I could barely walk into the ER, it hurt to sit in the wheel chair. By the time I was in a room, managed to get my clothes off and be checked my the nurse, I don’t know where my daughter’s head was in my vagina but the look of horror on the nurse’s face and her running from the room would’ve caused me great concern if I wasn’t in more pain than I had experienced in my life.

    The nurse was back with others and they wheeled me into the delivery room. Through the hell my body was now experiencing, some thoughts did break through to my consciousness…what, no enema (they did them back then when you were in labor, and I was for a split second relieved), why am I in delivery when my water hasn’t even broke, where’s my doctor? The doctor appeared in seconds, broke my water and my daughter was born at 7:53 PM..I wish someone would have been nice to say this is almost over, cuz I couldn’t breathe, the doctor was yelling at me, none of the nurses would speak to me…

    Once she was born and the pain stopped I was like whew! Glad that’s over. I was totally unprepared for all the post birth nastiness that came out of my body for the next six weeks. NASTY!! I remember the next morning when I first got up to use the bathroom with the nurse. Blood gushed out of the from my bed all the way to the toilet. And the smell of that stuff! Other mothers know what I mean. Ugh.

    I too needed a P.S. prior to being released from the hospital. I had had an episiotomy during childbirth so I had stitches down there. Pooping was not something I was looking forward to at all. But day five, I was a trooper. Thank heavens.

    She was the only child I ever had so I don’t have another childbirth to compare to hers. However, when my granddaughter was born three years ago, watching my daughter lay comfortably in the hospital bed for 8 hours with an epidural and no pain prior to being told, okay it’s time to push, I was quite envious. But happy for my daughter. They sure had come a long way in 35 years. No enema, no episiotomy, no five days to poop. In her case, no stitches. Way to go, my darling daughter!

  329. The ice pack in the giant diaper-panties was like a gift from heaven. That, and the numbing spray they give you for your vag.

  330. I loved this! You are a great and hilarious writer!

    I actually moved my bowels DURING delivery (vaginal). I didn’t know it, because I was numb down there. Every woman who gave birth was required to have a BM prior to leaving ghe hospital. The Dr. came in the next day and asked, “Have you had a bowel movement yet? Oh, yeah, I guess you did.”

    So my poor son entered the world in a pile of ****.

  331. I had a quick delivery, and when I say quick I mean as in 20 minutes of labor! Yes, an ambulance showed up at my house at 7:57 am and by 8:17 the doctor was saying….it’s a boy! They got me to the hospital, wheeled me in on a gurney with a nurse jumping up on top of me to hold my legs together, up the elevator to the first room out the door (for all I knew at that time it could have been a supply closet), they then yelled to a man that was just walking by that he better get in here… NOW!! This stranger I never saw before in my life came walking in with a 3 piece suit on, a nurse squirted his hands with Germ-X antibacterial gel, and then he proceeded to reach between my legs and a few seconds later was holding my newborn in front of him! I blinked and opened my eyes and there were 10 strangers all standing at the end of my bed smiling and staring at my exposed hoo ha! I looked at the nurse and said “this is the hospital right?” She laughed and said “yes, they’re medical students that were assigned to follow the doctor for the day!” Talk about no shame!

  332. What a wonderful example of how our culture and society tells women to fear and be ashamed of their own bodies and that they’re incapable of managing its natural functions. I didn’t find this funny at all. I found it extremely sad. Childbirth is a beautiful, empowering miracle. There’s nothing hideous about it. I’m sorry your experience was co – opted by misogynistic doctors. I’m sorry you were ever taught to feel ashamed of your body and its functions. You created a life. Two. Maybe you should focus on that instead of how you looked on the toilet. Or consider the revolutionary idea that women are functional human beings instead of objects to be aesthetically pleasing for heterosexual males.

  333. Oh my gosh, can you please write a book!? I would laugh through every page!

  334. That was fantastic!! No truer words have ever been spoken.. That experience was heinous !!! I love my kids but WOW!! Great read!!!

  335. Sounds a lot like my experience. I never had time to go to classes and never dilated so the only option was c section. It didn’t hit me until I was sitting there and they started the epidural, had to poke me 3 times! I threw up during delivery was out of it and had to have a blood transfusion but I remember hearing my sons first cry and I cried that is something I will never forget. During my time in recovery I had some of the WORST nurses. One bumped my stomach where the staples were and still made me walk. They didn’t let me leave for 5 days and one nurse highly suggested I watch the don’t shake ur baby DVD needless to say I let them know if she came back I’d flip out. Was up and fine after a week but 3 weeks later pain struck and I had to have my gallbladder removed which was no fun more pain pills and pain. But now I have a 9 month old I’m absolutely the proudest mommy of

  336. The only thing you’re missing from this brilliant and VERY true list (not that I can speak for C sections, because I have’nt had one)….HEMORRHOIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Evil…evil hemorrhoids. Pretty sure those were the worst part of my recovery. And the plastic blow up donut I spent $10 on was a friggin joke! I just sad on half an ass cheek for two weeks.

  337. Believe me…I wish I would have pooped before I left the hospital! They wanted me to and I lied and said I did! Then, four days later, it was an explosion…in my parent’s kitchen…with family there! Horrors!

  338. omg literally everything on ur list is what i went thru! especially with the magnesium! i had a friend and her mom drive 2 hours to see me and i was barely able to get out ” thanks for coming” before i passed out!

  339. I had all 3 of my kids C-section. My first was after 13 hours of labor and failure to progress. The pain that followed would have caused a sane man to shoot himself. They don’t worn you about the horrifying sh*t that leaves your body post birth that makes a murder scene look like an Italian vacation. Then having to pass gas or take a crap before leaving the hospital is a bunch of bull sh*t if you ask me. The nurses coming in and stuffing your anus with the enema to make you go ends all the shame you ever had. They also don’t tell you the pain from just the gas alone makes you beg for mercy and morphine. I think this is the funniest and truest things I have read in a very long time.

  340. If you’ve had a C-section, two words. Catheter removal. OUCH!!!!

  341. One thing no one ever told me was after tearing so bad with my first baby and needing over 20 stitches, I could not close my butt cheeks together. That combined with all the “make it easier to poop drugs” that they pumped into me, if I didn’t run to the bathroom at the earliest urge, it would end up down by pant leg or in the bed. Horribly embarrassing! Excuse me nurse but I think I just pooped myself! Lol

  342. Oh my word, this was hilarious! And oh so true! I had a c-section with my twins, and it was HORRIBLE! I coughed the day after I had the girls, and I thought I was going to die. And later, my nurse ended up making a pop bottle explode accidentally, which was hilarious because I watched her shake the bottle and was wondering what the heck she was doing… Anyways, after she left, my husband and I laughed about it, and again, thought for sure I was dying. :-P

  343. OMG… this was hysterical! I had my babies 43 and 40 years ago… and some things have not changed! Definitely the part about losing all modesty. I was pregnant with twins my first time (pre-ultrasound) and was sent to x-ray because I was not dilating and they wanted to check the position of the babies. Military hospital… New Year’s Day… skeleton staff made up of mostly newbies… my x-ray tech looked about 15! I think he was terrified I was going to give birth right there because I was HUGE and he had to get me into some pretty amazing positions, including one where he placed a metal plate between my butt cheeks, and was probably afraid all the pulling and tugging at my legs, etc. would cause those babies to slide right out. No worries about that – it took about a week at home, then about 14 hours in the hospital before the babies were finally out with a c-section. One baby had one leg out so the doctor reached in 4 times to try to get the other leg – yes, that was some fun times there! – and finally decided a c-section was needed. Twelve days in the hospital… a little infection issue in my incision and I finally got to take my little guy home. Yup, twins… guy. At some point during my labor the umbilical cord became suppressed and the “leg-out” baby was stillborn… which really was a blessing in disguise because his lungs were not mature enough to have allowed him to breathe and he would have been on a respirator for a week or so and then died anyway… these were the days before surfactant so immature lungs meant the baby did not survive. And I must mention “THE SNEEZE.” This was in the day of vertical incision so I was not only cut from my pubes to my belly button, but because my belly had gotten so enormous (did I mention the babies were full-term and weighed 7 lbs. and 7 lb./11 oz.?) I had some lovely Retention sutures and a belly wrap to help keep all that loose skin under control! The day the belly-wrap came off, and while I was still holding a pillow on my belly to cough, I sneezed… the pain was indescribable and as soon as I could breathe again the first thing I did was throw tho covers off, lift my gown and make sure that my insides were still inside because it felt like they had been ripped from my body. My second was overall easier, but did include hemorrhoids because I was unknowingly in labor for quite sometime and dilated to 6 when I arrived at the hospital at 9 pm for my “planned” c-section… and I actually enjoyed the sitz baths. Then I ended up not being able to fart or burp so got to experience the fun of a nasogastric tube for 24 hours. My daughter had to be under the ‘billi’ lights for several days, and we actually ended up being ‘eligible’ to leave the hospital on the same day… day 8. Fortunately my two kiddos were worth it all andI think my daughter would have gladly done it, too, if she were able to have kids. I will now stop writing before this goes from short story to novel!

  344. I was a couple days post c section when I asked for a stool softener. All they had ordered was a suppository. I said yes. I was desperate. I tried to time it for when there were no visitors. I waited for my father in law to leave and shuffled to the restroom. My husband (who somehow is still married to me, disgusting as I am) was in the room trying not to hear what was going on on the other side of the door. Then there was a knock. Can I spell my last name? My lunch arrived and the kitchen person wouldn’t let my husband claim it on my behalf. I nearly died. That was my first postpartum poop. Dreading my second c section in June, and the poops to follow.

  345. Oh. My. GOD! Thank you for giving me the best laugh I’ve had in months & bringing back memories that I can laugh about now. My first baby is now 30 & weighed 10 lbs & was 23 &1/2 inches long. I was in full blown labor when I arrived at the hospital where I was promptly admitted & given an enema (the poor dr didn’t want to be bothered by anything as vulgar as poop when he was delivering); try holding an enema while having contractions every 2 mins! After about 30 mins I was allowed to go & then was promptly introduced to the male aide who was there to shave my pubic hair. I was NOT told that these two events were going to happen.
    After 30hrs of being ripped apart (I thought) I was told to push & 2 hrs later was informed that an episiotomy was necessary where the dr promptly cut me from vagina to anus & my beautiful son was born. Naturally my lovely dr informed me that I should have had a c-section afterwards. Really?! My vaginal area was swollen 6 inches out & so painful that I couldn’t sit up to even feed him much less shit, which was a requirement to leave & I wanted to leave badly. For 3 days I soaked in a sitz bath & looked down in horror at the softball size clots that came out of my body but not the required extrement, so I did was any self respecting (and desperate) mom would do……I lied. “Yep, I pooped, nurse” and then I was free to go home and suffer that %@*# in private. So the nurse brought me my newborn son in & I proudly went to put on his “going home outfit” that I shopped for weeks for when the nurse looked at me with what could only be pity & said “Honey, that isn’t going to fit him.”
    Huh? “But its for a newborn, he’s a newborn!” I whined. It was then that I learned that baby size labels mean nothing unless you look at pounds so he went home in hospital clothes and the hospital charged us a small fortune.
    I had 2 wonderful daughter’s after that but first I found a female dr. My 2nd was an amazingly easy birth & my 3rd turned out to be the exact same size & weight of her brother only I had phenomena when I delivered her so they couldn’t give me pain meds & I had to deliver vaginally……again. I also found that it was bullshit when they told me my cramps would get easier but I wouldn’t give any of them up or the experience. Ok that’s a lie I Would give up “some” of that.
    A word of advice? Start asking about menopause when you hit 40 because you won’t find all the answers in any book either. All I can say is be prepared & buy plenty of blankets to cover your loved ones so you can sit in shorts, with the door open in 30 degree weather and sweat, while your family huddles together to keep their body temp up!

  346. Pretty sure everyone is going to curse me after this, but I had a super easy delivery. 1st baby. Water broke at home, about 7 hour from that until my little girl was born after 15 minutes of pushing. My epidural was AMAZING and I felt nothing. Didn’t tear. The only thing that sucks is the lochia, that constant ooze of blood and mucus that comes out for 2 weeks.

    So don’t freak out, it doesn’t have to be horrible!

  347. This was perfectly hilarious! I was a nurse in OB, & still suffered the same stuff! Made me more compassionate! Thanks for the great laugh!!

  348. Lol!!!!!! Loved it, cause it’s all so true!

  349. Be glad they made you poop! I didn’t poop for 5 days afterward, as in I tried and tried and couldnt go. I hurt so bad all I could do was cry. I gave birth without pain meds and wouldve done that 5 times over rather than deal with the poop issue. Well, a horrible emergency room visit, 8 hours, and a sodium phosphate later things finally moved. It was like my muscles were worn out and just couldn’t push hard enough. Not to mention, I called my obgyn twice that week and they were completely unconcerned. I didn’t even cry during labor and delivery but was crying then. No big deal. Hello ppl! I know this is my first kid but obviously something was wrong.

  350. This is so funny. My baby is 47 years old and I guess with all our technology post childbirth hasn’t changed a bit.

  351. OMG!!!! Your writing is fantastic so funny and I can really relate!! i was laughing so hard!! thanks :)

  352. You are fantastic for putting this out there!! My 3rd baby was an emergency C section that I basically kicked and screamed through bc the anesthesia never worked and I felt everything…Yes I was (am still sometimes) traumatized. (he’s 6) Anyways…I felt everyone of your points…But my weird one was the students that checked on me…One student came in and asked me where my pad was that I discarded. I pointed to the “red biohazard type garbages” you only see in hospitals… She then proceeded to dig into the trash and “examine” the pad. A nurse walked in and (half shrieked) “WHAT are you doing?” The student actually stood up and shrugged her shoulders and walked out… The nurse asked ME about it, and I told her she was checking my pad.. she asked me “For WHAT??” How the hell amI suppose to know?!!!! Needless to say I never saw the student again…But OMG! I just went through hell and back and now I have to worry about creepy students?! Every year on my son’s bday, I can’t help but think we are celebrating one of the Best and Worst days of my life. Poor guy…At least I have an awesome kid to show for it. I do happen to feel very lucky with him. WHEW!

  353. Omg! I laughed so hard! I had my first Aug 2008 and am currently preggo with my second.. what was I thinking! I relate to all this minus the c section as I had a natural birth (dummy I am!) I pooped for 6 hrs while in labour.. not fun. My bathroom fan at the hospital was broke so everyone heard me plop and scream at the same time. I made my mom start singing when she heard me have a nasty contraction… If i could still hear people I’d yell at her to sing louder!

  354. I have had a rough week and reading this has made me laugh out loud! I had my children in the mid to late 70’s and endured the shaving and enemas. I had the old style C-sections with the delightful incision from naval to ho0-ha. Talk about walking doubled over! The gas after the surgery was so bad I had to have injections for it and both of my hips became infected from that. I had Nurse Ratchett make me get up out of bed a few minutes after they wheeled me back into my room to go to the bathroom! She refused to help me out of bed and I swear it took me at least ten minutes to inch over and when I sat up I nearly passed out. Turns out I was allergic to the “dissolving ” stitches they use inside. So….for weeks after I left the hospital they worked their way up to the incision like little boils and I had to go to the doc as his last patient (so my screams wouldn’t scare other patients) and he had to lance the incision and squeeze out the stitches! They also fell out into my underwear. He didn’t believe me so I collected some and took them to him in an envelope! Next baby I had the staples. One nurse left a heat lamp on me and forgot to come back and I could smell my skin being fried by the staples!! Had to throw something from the bedside table out into the hall to get someone’s attention. I am not making any of this up! But, ladies, it was all worth it because I have two wonderful sons and four beautiful grand children.
    PS Breastfeeding was very successful !! My mother called my second son “The All Day Sucker”!

  355. This was so funny (and painfully true). Nobody told me about all that stuff. Let’s just say, any remaining piece of shame I had left, departed as I stood on the side of the road, pantsless, umbilical cord down to the ground, with a sidewalk full of spectators that just watched me give birth. You could have called the news and I wouldn’t have cared. I was in euphoria land. That baby was out!

  356. That was hilarious!! I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time..

  357. 1) I pooped for the first time after I had my son on postpartum day 4, holding my mom’s hand in a death-grip, while she squatted in front of me on the pot, telling me I was doing great. It took 30 minutes and felt like child birth all over again!

    2) I’m a magnesium sulfate survivor, too; HELLP syndrome. I pretty much don’t remember anything from 2 days prior to 2 days after my son’s birth, til they took me off the drip. Good thing Daddy videotaped it all!

    Thanks for keepin’ it real. You’re hilarious!

  358. That was the funniest thing I have read in my life!!! And the sad part is that it is so true! I never had a C-Section but the rest of the pieces fit the puzzle. If we knew all of this would take place ahead of time….we would probably have only one…if that. LMAO!!!!!

  359. Well I gave birth the first time way back in 1967 and boy were things different back then. The doctor was busy in the next room because of course it was in the middle of the night. And of course my first one weighed in at 8 pounds 14 ounces. No one told me not to bear down they didn’t have classes back then so I tore front to back and then in the crease of my leg where the underwear rub. I asked the doctor how many stitches and he said honey there were just to many to count. All I know is it too a half hour to accomplish.
    Then since I delivered in a training facility the very next day the doctor arrived with 6 training interns. I had this little tent over me with a heat lamp shining where the sun don’t shine to try and help me heal. I had to go daily and take little sitz baths with medicine in the water to help me heal.
    They kept you in the hospital much longer way back then. I was in for 8 days total and back then they would not release you until you had a bowl movement. To many stitches for that so I just assured them that I had and once I got home home I lived in that bathroom.
    I was shy and just 19 married to a young GI so I didn’t breast feed but boy did the milk come in. At one point and I rubbed and it shot half way across the room. But I survived it all and had many more.

  360. Mother of twins that just turned 40. Reading your stories brought back all the memories of my l&d. 2 days on potocin no action . 3rd day finally was threatened w a c-section, scared them out. Since I was having twins they didn’t want to give me anesthesia said I could do it w/o. Yeah right! I was in a military hospital in Okinawa, Japan and they had not delivered twins in that hospital for over a year.( most got sent to Clark AFB, Phillipians) so every one was so excited it was like a 3 ring circus. I had 2 OBs, 2 pediatrician , 2 NICU nurses and the head of ob was walking around whistling and making pictures ! So at that point there is no shame, just get those babies OUT! Yes, you survive and our boys have grown in to fine, loving men. P.S. They are our only ones. Wonder why!

  361. Holy moly, I have laughed and cried so hard my eye makeup is gone. Read every single comment.
    With my first, I was 19. No idea what I was doing. My boyfriend was there, and my mom who is a former L&D nurse. I didnt want either of them looking at my junk, and I banished them to the hallway when it was time to push…after, of course, my water broke all over my mother as I was leaned over on her so they could place my epidural a third time in a last ditch effort to get it to work (thank God it did). No one told me that epidurals may or may not work! (Wait, you mean I might actually have to FEEL all of this?!) No one prepared me for that.
    Fast forward 9 years…married to a great guy, finished college, having our first baby together. I didn’t want him looking at my junk either! My mother, bless her, is there again. My epidural is working, this time it’s going smoothly. My water breaks and the nurses (and mom) are changing my blankets…they roll me over and a massive gust escapes from the back door! In total disbelief, I ask “was that me?” I didn’t know, I felt nothing! Y’all, I do not fart in front of my husband. I just don’t. It was mortifying. But oh, what was to come…
    I am informed that it’s time to push. All of a sudden, I get these body-wracking tremors. I held onto my husband’s arm the whole time I was pushing as though if I squeezed tight enough, I’d stop shaking. Baby’s born, and my oldest wants to come in and see his sister. I was shaking so badly, I had to tell him no because I was afraid it would scare him. Finally, the shakes stop, everyone sees baby, everyone leaves, and it’s just hubs, me and baby. Nurses tell me I can’t go to my postpartum room until I can walk there myself. Sheesh. My legs are like logs. So we sit…and sit…and sit. Its after midnight. Poor hubs gives up hope and takes himself and LO to the room and just leaves me there. I am trying my best to figure out how to get my legs to wake up. Will it help if I move them? Poke them? Wiggle my feet? What do I do here? And my after-birth pains are getting worse and worse…to the point start to cry! I never cry! I finally think I can walk, so nurses come to help me to the restroom. As soon as my feet hit the floor, my bladder dumps about 2 liters of pee in the floor. I seriously thought for a second that I had a freak second amniotic sac, it was that much fluid. Nurse yells to another nurse outside the door “watch out, she peed in the floor!” Turns out, I couldnt pee after my catheter was removed 5 hours earlier, causing my bladder to be abnormally distended and extremely painful…good old gravity fixed that real quick. I dribbled all the way to the toilet, sat on the toilet and dribbled some more for 15 minutes while my nurse washed all the pee off my legs and feet. God bless her. I look at her every day because I work in that hospital now. Thank God my husband had left the room when that happened.
    When I made it to the room, I told him “Sometime in the near future, I’m going to tell you that I want another baby. I’m going to forget all this pain and how crappy I feel right now. I need you to remind me of this…remind me that I dont want to go through this again.” He promised he would. And the next morning, holding our baby girl, I looked at him and said “I can’t imagine not ever getting to experience this again!” How quickly we forget, huh?

  362. This is MY story!! Twice !! I fell off the couch laughing …… Thanks for sharing :)

  363. I’ve never laughed so hard! Gotta love your sense of humor. I even read it to my husband since we are due with our next child in two months. Even he laughed at the buy your nurse coffee joke :) Thank you for a great laugh.

  364. Oh. My. God! I know right! They do NOT prepare you for ANYTHING when expecting a baby much less HAVING one! And I had an emergency c sdction with my first and had a planned c sdction eleven months later with my twin boys and I WAS prepared for all the pain, until they told me I had STITCHES! With my first they were dissolvable but this round I’d had a friend who had stitches and she told me all about them and when they told me, I bawled! Wasn’t it ENOUGH stress with having twins and then their being out into the NICU because they were five weeks early!? OI how little docs tell us! And btw: where’s that GLOW when you’re pregnant, what stage? All I remember is discomfort

  365. I have been a labor & delivery nurse for 32 years. Love the article and the comments-brought back some fun & crazy memories!

  366. Holy crap – best birthing read ever!!! I was very blessed to have 2 wonderful daughters very quickly. My first I had in 4 and a half hours and the second I had no labor pains but she came 4 weeks early. I went for my regular check up for my doctor to declare that I couldn’t leave bc I was 6 cm dilated. Well. There ended the fairy tale births.

    With my first, we get there, and the bring me into a room to check me in bc I would surely be in there for a while. I’d been in labor for an hour by the time we got there. The nurse checks. Her eyes pop open and she says she’s going to get a second opinion. Ok. The next one comes in and says “yeah, we r gonna take u into the delivery room.” I was 8 and a half centimeters. I was in a blur of pain from the first contraction. Oh!!! And don’t forget that when they “check” you, it sets off a contraction. Also, if your water doesn’t break on its own, they will break it for you. I swear to high Heaven, they stick this rod up your vagina and poke around. You are contracting around a rod and it hurts like a mother effer. After birth? Oh gross. Do you want to keep it? No thanks.

    Second birth, I don’t get to leave. I drove myself there and now my husband and daughter have no way to get to me. Eventually, somebody somewhere had a grandma who had a car with a car seat who could drive them there. Meanwhile, I’m hooked up to a machine to measure ginormous contractions I’m not feeling and feeling pretty smug. It literally felt like the baby was stretching her legs down the front of my stomach. Well, They have to pop the balloon again and holy God is it a downward spiral from there. 30 min later, I am ordering family out of the room b/c, by God, only my husband and hospital staff are going to get a free show of my hoo-ha. My doctor had left earlier to take a lunch and still hadn’t returned. I feel unbearable pressure and tell the nurse I think I have to push. She blithely says, “I will ring for the doctor and see if she is back yet.” Then she looks and says I’d better not push b/c the baby was crowning on her own and there was no one else there. My doctor came tearing down the hall, and I can’t help it, but I’m trying not to push. She got one glove on before squirting my vajayjay with baby oil before that baby was out. I’m sorry, but there is no way you can make a pregnant woman stop pushing unless you physically restrain her. It was not happening.

    Fast forward to post partum. The cramps hurt a MILLION TIMES WORSE with the second child!!!! I thought I was going to die. We had to stay in the hospital 4 days because she was so early, but was healthy and 7 lbs 4 oz. I got the teeniest little poop out – enough to qualify to go home. Then did not poop for 14 more days. That unholy child was birthed after an agonizing 2 hours of more screaming and cursing than in the delivery room. I did not tear during childbirth, but I sure did at home.

    I swear, it is so refreshing to read your story and all of these comments and other birthing stories! I truly am sorry for all of the haters that keep posting negativity. I’m sorry that every birth isn’t a gloriously orgasmic experience. Thank you so much for keeping it completely real and honest!!

  367. Heck, yeah! It’s even worse when you give birth to a public hospital in a thirld world country. I experienced going through terror when I had to wait for 30 minutes with my legs spread to get stitched up after a normal delivery because the hospital didn’t have enough surgical thread and my poor husband had to run and get it from a pharmacy. After I was relieved from all of that, I was informed next that I had to undergo an internal exam to make sure that there were no clogging in my uterus. It was awfully painful! As the hospital was too crowded and there was no room for me and my baby, we had to camp out on a folding bed in the hallway along with the others. The most horrible part I guess was when I saw these big bites on my baby’s cheeks only to find out that the hospital was bed bug infested. I gave birth with my second baby in the US and boy, how I felt so pampered in the hospital and actually felt sad when discharged!

  368. I hate women like this and stories like these… I feel like it’s meant to scare and be snarky to other women. I’ve always wanted children but when I hear/read stories like this it makes me not want to have children or adopt instead. I know what you’re gonnna say can’t handle then you must not deserve to be a mom or some such nonsense… well screw you then! If that’s your response then that just confirms my earlier comment and is also why I have few females in my life. I don’t tolerate that kind of caty BS!

    • Hey Vivian, it really sucks to hear these types of stories before you have gone through them yourself. I remember being so terrified. But, It is fun to hear the stories afterward…a long time afterward when you are not so traumatized. It is funny to know that I am not the only one.

      It is scary to have a baby. But you can handle it. Your body was designed to do this. You will be a great mommy. I was not able to find the earlier comment you posted but I am sorry that people gave you a hard time. Not all girls are mean. Don’t give up on all of us.

    • Vivian, I believe this is a chance to bond and laugh about what we’ve all been through. I’m sorry you are so offended and for the lack of females in your life. Perhaps some counseling would help and I think adoption is an exceptional choice, not just for you, but for anyone that wants and can nurture a child.

      Best Wishes!!

  369. My post birth poop story was epic…. I had a c section and the hospital didn’t make me poop before I left so about a week after being home and nothing coming out I was starting to feel pretty yucky. I knew I was compacted and to add to that I was terrified because my incision burst open and I had a massive infection. I asked my doctor to “help” me but she just told me to get an enema so I asked my boyfriend to get me some stool softeners….he got me laxatives. So there I was painfully backed up with poop with an already opened incision sitting on my toilet giving birth in my bathroom praying/negotiating with God that if it would just come out I’d do whatever it took. I was in there for about an hour with my poor boyfriend outside asking me if I was OK. I finally got it out and almost sent out announcements about our poop baby that I delivered at home.

  370. So True! Shameless! The janitor came in as I was getting checked! My best friends mom was standing there when I got my first breast feeding lesson.. & my father in law came in with the camcorder, realized his mistake and mumbled “didn’t see nothing” and backed out slowly..

  371. Thanks for posting the truth! I also delivered twins by c-section. I had no idea how much it would hurt and I can’t believe people choose it as an option. Luckily I didn’t have staples.

    Ashley

  372. My daughter was born with a very small mouth. My midwife gave me a pair of these to use so we could breastfeed. They work for women with flat nipples too AND they protect your nipples from getting too dry and irritated as they adjust to breastfeeding.

    http://www.medelabreastfeedingus.com/tips-and-solutions/112/nipple-shields

    I know that some Targets, some Walgreens, and some babystores sell them. They are a GODSEND for any mom who is determined to breastfeed but having difficulty.

    The other thing to do if your worried about milk production is to drink fenugreek tea, which increases milk production.

  373. This was entirely funny & oh so true. But back in the day you had to do more than fart to get the privilege of going home. Yes you had to do the real deed & then let the nurse SEE it. It is true that after child birth, you know no shame. All vanity is out the door.

  374. LOL….so very true with everything you said. I was so badly constipated that I had to get a finger up my ass to make sure I wasn’t impacted or who knows what and then the nurses made me a concoction called GAP juice to make me go: Grape, Apple and Prune juice, warmed up with butter…yes…butter….It worked tho :)

  375. OMG this was HILARIOUS! Great read, super well written. Great job, From one blogger to another :)

  376. I have laughed so hard at this. Great red for all

  377. This is SO true! My epidural wore off about 10 minutes before I pushed my daughter out. That was not fun at all. I tried to not poop during delivery, even tried the kegal and push move. Didnt work. I felt so ashamed at first. Then after birth everything started coming out. I stopped caring at that point. Mine was an emergency birth due to preeclampsia. Now im 2 years into trying for another child and nothing so far. I praise all the moms out there, birth isnt for everyone.

  378. I loved this list! I lost all dignity when my son was born. From using the bed pan before he was born to having nurses, doctors, and everyone else parade in and out while I was pushing was it. And that first poop after he was born…giving birth was easier than evacuating that poo. I was so afraid I was going to rip my stitches, as I tore. But the best thing after he was born was getting to take a shower. I felt so gross. I was in labor for 32 hours, so when my contractions got to where I couldn’t stand I couldn’t take a shower. But I was horrified in the shower at what leftovers decided to leave my body. Aah…the joys of motherhood. And strangely I am willing to go through it all again someday. (=

  379. I laughed so hard I cried. And I swear I don’t normally do that. I’m very critical. You have a new follower here, lady. Holy crap I’m still wiping tears.
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  380. I did not have to poo before I left the hospital, or even pass gas, thank goodness. I didn’t have a c-section though. With my second child, though, I did start hemorrahaging, after I got to my room, so I had every nurse and CNA on the floor in my room mashing on my belly. I was passing some pretty large clots. The last one, however, literally went FLYING out of me, and the CNA standing by my feet caught it like a softball before it hit the wall. Provided a little comic relief.

  381. Oh, I’m sorry, is the Queen of England coming over? Best line of the piece! That is my motto, btw.

  382. OMG~~ you all are killing me!! This is the funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time… and thank you for bringing back all the devastating memories!! #1 the Foxy Lady Mesh Panties are “one size fits most” but not me. So, when the good nurse changed my dressing, and the tape tore off my skin, which THEY call “blistering”, the Foxy Lady mesh one size fits most panties were a killer!!! Like wearing a red hot iron on your abdomen for a week!!

    I just texted my oldest…” Happy Birthday, you big head baby!! 20 years ago today, I was induced. ”

    After 22 hours of labor, and all the nurses making sure she was posterior, generally by entering me up to their forearm, and saying “Yep, that’s her nose.”, the good doc turned off my epidural so I could “push harder”… Basically I just laid there moaning like a dying bovine, started to hyperventilate and baby’s heartrate dropped, I had an emergency C. She weighed 8 lbs. God love those Foxy Lady one size fits most panties. I’m pretty sure every blister I’ve ever had, my skin stayed ON my body!!!!!

    Fart, I don’t remember. Poop….. right,.. like a pea. So, yeay, ME!! I went home. Passed clots the size of my fist. I didn’t really ‘poop’ till I had been home for a week or so and I’d call it more like ‘getting a new car’ because it was the size of a freaking VW!!!!!!! I wanted to die! C section #2 weighed 8.5 and #3 was 9 lbs. The scheduled ones were truly a breeze, even with having tubes tied after #3 was out. I think the trauma of 22 hours of labor really was dangerous and unhealthy.

    OMG, the lactation experts, aka Nursing Natzis, were outa control. Just grab my boob and shove it in my baby’s face, over her nose, as if she could breathe… The pain…. eventually, my bra was stuck to the scabs on my nipples. The culprit~~ no let down. So, I went around for weeks with boobs like missile heads. Oh, the pain…

    And who says this is all natural and women used to just squat in a field and deliver… Good luck to all women everywhere. God bless every baby!!

  383. OMG! I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard!!! I had a c-section with my daughter and I went through EVERYTHING you talked about!!!! My daughter even projectile vomited in my mouth!

  384. This really is amazingly accurate. I laughed alot be cause its so true. I got the same feeling walking into the OR. I was SO ready to meet my twins until they got me in that room and I thought ‘oh maybe ill keep them in a bit longer…”

    The belly massages and them checking your stitches (I got glued back together) and changing your pads. Standing upright…. just so accurate for csection moms.

    My twins are 11 weeks old and my scar still gives me weird pains…

  385. This is 100% dead on! Strangely I would do it all again

  386. Pingback: After Delivery: 10 Things They Never Told You | Clean House Gal

  387. This is the most real and accurate account of what really happens I have ever read! Every soon to be mom needs to read this, cause shiz can get real, fast!!!!

  388. This is absolutely hilarious!! I am a post partum nurse and I have too experienced 2 C-sections both of them being on Magnesium for Pre-eclampsia. Imagine the “Shame” when its all your co-workers taking care of you. :) I cant wait to share this with the girls at work.

  389. I just wanted to say, I don’t think you’re a wimp because you were in serious pain after the c-section. I also couldn’t stand up straight and could hardly hobble in to the pharmacy to get my prescription Vicodin after mine. And I had an I un-medicated VBAC after that! Labor and recovery from the VBAC were NOTHING compared to recovering from that c-section.

  390. One word.
    Homebirth. You’d never go back.

  391. thanks for this i had a vaginal delivery but slot of the stuff still applies, theres so much they just don’t prepare u for

  392. Ok – Did everyone leave out the power pissing? Or was it just me. I had two bags of saline so that first day of urinating… I was scared to pee. The force behind it was extreame. Actually it was almost like an orgasm it was that strong. Weird yeah I know.

    My first daughter my labor stalled after the epidural so they put me on pictocine. Heart rate dropped – had to put me on oxygen. The checking of the dilation hurt until the epidural kicked in. Then. I didn’t care a whit. Couldn’t even tell when i needed to push or how hard i was pushing. Came out with a beautiful daughter and a bunch of grapes. BTW hemorrhoid surgery is the absolute worst.

    With my second daughter, My water broke at home. Had to walk through the hospital with wet clothing that got wetter with every step you took. Didnt care. You wanna look and laugh? Come have the baby for me.. Got to the room and the nurse left me in there alone with my mom, no gown nothing. I sat and hit my head on the concrete wall for a good long time. Finally dressed in the smexy gown… Nurse was like ok im going to check your dilation. Fine, go ahead. That was the first and last time. Hurt so bad I refused to let her check me internally again. 3 hours later from when my water broke ( mind you that was at home and the hospital was a good 30 mins away) I said i feel some pressure. She said “Ok im gonna look, I wont touch” The look on her face was priceless. Her words “Dont push! Im going to get the doctor” I was crowning.. As soon as the nurse left my mom said “Push! we dont need the doctor”. Ok – when your body says its time to push … there is no “dont push” you are going to push. The doctor came in, took one look and yelled at the poor nurse “What have you been doing? Have you even been paying attention?” this was all said as he reached down without gloves on and caught my daughter as she slid into the world.

  393. You hit the nail on the head!! Except for one thing. I’m not even sure if they still do this. When I had my son back in 1986, I was young, 19 young. I was in labor and while I was being checked in, vitals, history and such, the nurse took out a shaving kit and proceeded to shave me!!! I was mortified!!

  394. Hilarious and completely accurate. After I gave birth my OBGYN told me to contact her if I experienced any excessive bleeding. When I inquired as to what would be considered excessive, she said “If you pass more that one blood clot that is larger than a tennis ball that would be excessive.” Yikes!

  395. ha ha ha, thank you for scaring us :), and thank you for telling us this information some of us have no idea about :)

  396. This was my birth experience exactly with my son, except the post partum poop. It had to be done before leaving the hospital. It’s what extended our stay for an additional 3 days. My husband thanked me and i kind of thanked god for my anal retentivness or we would have been going home empty handed due to post partum complications with our son. The only thing i can think of to add to the article would be the attempts to answer the doctor’s discharge questions in a completely medicated stupor. To this day, I’m not positive what the doctor asked or how i answered nor any information he told me for when we got home. I just looked at my husband with a pleading look off help me. It’s a good thing they sent me home with a bunch of pamphlets.

  397. With my first, my shame left when they decided to try to empty my bladder to aid in dilation, and the nurse couldn’t get a catheter in my 9+ month pregnant, laboring self, and about 8 folks all gathered around staring at my hoo hoo giving tips on how to stick that tube in me!
    With my 2nd I had a terrible tear, with lots of stitches, and I was terrified to go poop. I didn’t have to poop before leaving, but they gave me softeners to take. A week later, I still hadn’t gone, and I was miserable. In the middle of the night I stumbled blindly to the bathroom and chugged an unknown, but large amount, of Milk of Magnesia. I then proceeded to have diarrhea for the next week, which presented itself at the worst times-family in town, 2yo and a nursing newborn-you get the picture. Trying to keep the stitches clean was another issue. A truly miserable first 2 weeks!

  398. I too remember the horrors of trying to poop!! I had 2 student nurses in my first delivery (mind you my hubby and I were 22/23) and they all looked at me like I was stupid and didn’t know what I was talking about when I told them if I’m anything like my mother this kid is going to evict himself at warp speed.. then laughed and said I’d be there for the night, probably wouldn’t have a kid til the morning. well.. they ate their words when I sent my hubby for them because I could feel him moving, those nurses and doctors flew into action and had me ready for delivery in 10 minutes.. they actually had to hold my son in! And the worst part, I went so fast they couldn’t give me pain killers..and then after he was born while the doc was showing the afterbirth and everything to the students my hubby was more intrigued with the science lesson thank his son! LOL (typical science buff) when I went in for my second I told them I did it once med free, don’t even offer me anything, but my daughter was much bigger and I tore considerably with her (holy pain!) I dreaded the “you can’t go home until you poop” more so with her than with my son.. THEN.. I made the mistake of trying to see how bad my girly bits were jacked up with a mirror about 1 week after delivery, OMG I cried and cried and cried.. the stitches and everything, the swelling, so stupid (DUH you just squeezed out a 9 lb watermelon) my hubby laughed at me and then told me not to worry he still loved me even if my bits were hijacked.. haha which of course, everything went back to “normal” within a few more weeks.. word of advice, DONT LOOK!! haha It will all be fine in due time.. oh the joys of motherhood!

  399. All of this so true. I also had twins, although did not need a C-section. Talk about losing shame though. When they were born my husband counted 14 people in the delivery room, all standing around watching. The only one I knew was him.

    I also wish someone had told me about what happens to your feet. No one told me the relaxin hormone would cause my feet to ‘relax’ and grow a size, permanently. That practically none of my shoes would fit me, ever again. Sigh. Not that as a mom of twins I typically don dress shoes any longer…

  400. Dear Mama,

    Sorry for your troubles. I am astonished at the length you go to express everything as a horrifying and completely negative experience. I don’t doubt you actually perceived it all that way, but it is not helpful at all to those waiting to give birth. It’s not even funny for a moment.

    Good luck with your troubled life.

    • Well apparently it struck a chord with many people, given the endless stream of comments!

      And you must be an unskilled reader if you found the article long; in fact, it was very short.

      Also, are you the author’s child? Otherwise, why are you addressing her as “Mama”? Kinda weird if you ask me.

      Given your unpleasant tone, I assume that your “sorry” and “good luck” are insincere and that you are just a nasty person.

    • Susan:

      This article was not meant to be negative or scary to women waiting to give birth. I am a new mother to a 6 month old, and let me tell you, I WISH people would have at least warned me about some of these things. Childbirth is an amazing and scary experience regardless of how informed or uninformed you are. This article puts into words what every new mother is thinking. Whether you like it or not, this is reality. If you can’t handle that, take it from me, and don’t have a child.

  401. Right after I gave birth to my youngest vaginally without the aid of painkillers, I yelled, “Damn, my twat hurts”. My mother was on the phone since she couldn’t be with me asked me what was a twat.
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  402. haha! All of this is hilarious. I had to have a C-section with my second-which I will say was MUCH worse than the natural delivery I had with my first. I was on the phone with my dad explaining that I needed a C-section as a nurse was shaving my pubic hair and my husband stood there laughing at me. Fun times.

  403. Oh my god, Meredith! You are hilarious, as always!!! I f’ing love this!!! Priceless!!

  404. I have never had children, nor the intention to have them, but your writing skills I must a say are amazing. You kept me captivated through the entire article! Very well written, I was giggling the entire time, I had no idea! Good Luck with the twins!

  405. The staples definitely hurt me. One of mine had gotten twisted some how and they needed two nurses and a doctor to get it out.
    Also, another embarrassing little factoid is no bladder control. I peed myself walking to the bathroom while my whole family was there to watch. Lovely.
    People keep asking if I want to have more children and are surprised when I practically scream “Oh God No!”.
    Oh and I think the BM thing depends on the hospital. I had to for my first, but they didn’t make me for my second.

  406. Oh. My. Gosh. This is hilarious! I’m the mom of a 22-year-old and 19-year-old, and was still able to recall so many of the feelings I had when experiencing childbirth. Thank you for the beautiful reminder and for the laughs I enjoyed! You are an incredible writer!

  407. I gave birth to 4 in the 60’s.The people who say they are afraid to give birth must remember that’s how we all got here.My husband was not allowed to stay with me in those days I was 19 & had no idea. !st I was given an enormous enema & put on toilet,with magazine “sit for 1/2 hr” This was before birth control & a Catholic hospital so were vry busy. I was @ bottom of the list of importance.Remembered me about an hour later. BTW had been given my crew cut already. Put in rm with woman old enough to be my mother,having no.. 13 screaming her head off. No meds except shot of Demerol that made me goofy. When I could no longer close my legs got nerve to call nurse She tut -tuted me ,picked up my gown,told me to cross my legs & yelled for help. I had to move to gurney,then to delivery table,never fast enough to please her. Last I remember.general anesth.Why I ever had more is that wonderful forgetfulness. My husband was always jealous of our sons in law who got to see their kids born. Thank your mother & grandmother for what we endured.

  408. Thank you, for reminding me how much I’d blocked from my memory. Remember how wonderful everything felt before they pulled out the catheter and turned off the morphine?! Good gracious!

    • Can I reply to my own reply? I just forgot to say how much I absolutely love your writing – when I posted this article to Facebook, I admitted I’d just laughed so hard I cried off my mascara and almost wet myself….yet another surprise concern post-childbirth!

      I can only imagine how busy you are with twins – so the fact that you take time to write is something for which I’m exceedingly grateful. You’re either doing really great – or have gone absolutely nuts. Either way – love the style!

  409. Hilarious!!!!!

    As a postpartum nurse and mother of 2 (one c-section and one VBAC), this is awesome!

  410. The reason why the hospital employees were waiting for you to pass gas was because you had a C-section which is major abdominal surgery. With any abdominal surgery, passing gas is a general sign that your bowels are working.

    More than likely the constipation issue had a lot to do with both having a C-section and bowel motility temporarily slowing as well as the pain killers. Any narcotics are going to make you constipated.

    Other than that, I found your article to be pretty amusing from a medical professional standpoint. Not really jumping with excitement for that time to come in my life – especially since I know all the potential things that can go wrong with pregnancy and birth.

  411. OMG….I never laughed so hard in my life. After giving birth to 2 beautiful girls, they most certainly DO NOT tell you about all the “stuff” that comes out of your body. If they did, women wouldn’t have babies. Your description of “flat nipples” about made me loose it! I myself never knew there were so many diffrent types.
    You should write a book, it would be a best seller!!!

  412. I am a man and have absolutely no clue as to why I clicked this link (damn you Facebook!)

    However, it did provide me with some previously unknown (and currently regrettable) insights & empathy.

    I was compelled to write a comment because your writing style was so clever and amusing! You’re a sharp chick with a great sense of humor and undoubtedly a great mother.

    Thanks for the extra smile today!

  413. When I went into labor with my second daughter, I had a male OB, a male nurse (okay, at least he was gay), and my husband. After that, I will never, EVER have issues with shame around men again!

  414. This is so funny.and true…. I wished I was told 28 yrs ago what to expect when I had emergency c-section. They had to do vertical. To laugh or sneeze really hurt…. I put a pillow every time I laugh or sneeze.
    Every women should read this.

  415. I LOVED this. I can remember yelling at my coworker after having my son (now 6 months old) about how and why she didnt tell me half of these things! For me, the pushing on the stomach was THE WORST. I didnt have a c-section, but man, everytime she came back in I would say “no you are NOT”. I wanted to punch her in the head! Thank you for this blog :)

  416. With my last birth, my nurse didn’t ask me about farting. She told me she’d heard me trumpet from the hallway. I’m demure like that.
    The Absent Minded Housewife recently posted..You know what? That’s not sanitary.My Profile

  417. hahahaha omg you are the best!!

  418. I had five c-sections in four different hospitals. Each one was very different, but each one did include all of what you described,with the bonus of having to poop before I could ever leave. For me the worst was always the “massages” which hurt worse with each one. (However my third was the most painful because the spinal didn’t take and the dr didn’t believe me, but oh I felt it all). No one told me that the after pains are worse with your second, and I was not prepared for that. Five minutes before my last c-section, I began sobbing and the nurse said, “I thought you’ve already done this. Why are you crying?” I said, “I have already done this, that’s why I’m crying. I know what is coming!”

  419. I gave birth completely natural, no epidural or anything. I didn’t know that i even tore down there till the Dr was stitching me up. My first poop after (thank god it was just my mom there) I was terrified. 18 years old, just had a baby, now its the first poop and I’m freakin out. “Mom, is it ok for me to poop?” “yes, just dont push.” I was sittin there thinkin, dont push? but then itll be stuck there forever!!!! Needless to say, it did come out. but we couldn’t leave until my son peed bcuz of the circumcision.

    And those wonderful little panties and HUGE pads were soooo great. couldnt walk straight for a few weeks after.

  420. I nodded and smiled while reading the whole thing. Even being a nurse didn’t mentally prepare me for delivering & caring for newborn twins.
    Just keep swimming!
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  421. So, the last bit about pooping has made me feel compelled to exercise my lack of shame and tell my terrible after birth poop story. So, apparently when I pooped after giving birth, I ripped open my anus. “Anal fissure.” This is usually something that heals itself and you move on… But not me… My son just turned 1 and it still bleeds every time I poop and I have to psych myself up to even go to the bathroom. The doctor gave me the option of surgery to fix it… With the caveat that “it will really, really hurt” and “there is a risk of irreparable incontinence from the surgery.” So I’m still gritting my teeth with every poop and hoping it eventually goes away… I didn’t even know pooping would be a problem after giving birth, much less that it could be this big of a problem!

  422. Totally forwarded this to all the expectant mothers and veteran moms I could and every one of us nearly died from laughter! I recently delivered my 3rd child and thought I had no modesty left… Until my nurse (who was amazing in every other aspect) while waiting for the doctor to show up, started petting my unborn child’s hair…. Yep legs in the stirrups, a room full of people; and she is literally petting the head between my legs while telling me not to push!! Then she actually had the gall to ask if I was normally that jumpy! Lol my husband joked later that he didn’t know weather to film a porno or the birth! The rest of your article however was spot on for vaginal delivery too! I’m still laughing :) thanks ma’am!

    • Oh my god, she petted your baby while it was still inside you.

      That is something. That is really something.

      Thanks for reading! So glad it made you laugh!

  423. Thanks, ladies.
    Now I don’t want to have kids. . .
    . . . and I’m a man.

  424. You are right! However I had very good nurses and since I was nurse, they ” let” me do everything myself. My boys are 1