As I said in Monday’s post, I am going to be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding this March. She has picked a super pretty dress that I am just a hair too fat to fit into. (I’m working on it, you guys) I didn’t have bridesmaids at my wedding — I barely had PEOPLE at my wedding — so I am not familiar with current bridesmaids fashion. After looking around online, I now see that my sister’s dress choices ranged from, “please don’t look at me, in fact can I just have a dress that matches the color of the floor so I can lie down and we can pretend I’m not here,” to “this bride is an individual who is not swayed by current trends, and by the way can you please hold my parasol because I need to re-position the parrot attached to my shoulder.”
Now, bridesmaids dresses do not even come close to the level of crazy that wedding dresses do (I’ll tackle those in a later post), but I did want to share some of my discoveries with you.
I started with Nordstrom’s bridal section.
1. “I would like a dress that it is impossible to look good in. A dress made of a fabric that skims down the body until it encounters an obstacle — like a saddle bag or a belly bulge. At that point, it should create shadows equaled only by the Grand Canyon at sunset. I want every flaw to be magnified by one point five million. Also, you can’t wear underpants in this thing without them being completely visible, so everyone gets to be really uncomfortable…or really liberated.”
2. “You know, I don’t want to look like I’m a member of the wedding so much as I’m chaperoning it.”
3. “I want to look like a vase…a human, flower-filled vase with just a hint of overlapping armpit fat.”
4. “The theme of my wedding is ‘Slutty 80′s Prom’.”
5. “I want my bridesmaids to be able to wear the dress again, so make sure it is appropriate for the evening gown competition of Mrs. America. No, I don’t mean MISS America, I mean MRS. America. Now you’re getting the picture.”
After exhausting the supply at Nordstrom, I moved on to Neiman Marcus.
6. ”Here’s the look I want: trophy wife on the way to her husband’s boss’s Christmas party.”
7. “I have only one question: DOES IT HAVE A MATCHING ROBE? Excellent.”
Then I went fancy, and found this treasure at Vera Wang.
8. “No,no — I want the fabric flowers to ACCENTUATE the hips. Yes. And they should look like ass cheeks from behind. Big ol’ ass cheeks.”
Then I went less fancy.
9. “Are they going to a wedding or a funeral? Who knows! What I’m saying is, it’s versatile.”
But all these dresses felt a little too safe, so I headed to Ebay to check out the crazy over there.
10. Oh…oh, yes. Very “Disney princess” meets “quinceañera” meets “Honey Boo Boo pageant dress.”
11. But this, THIS was the winner. First off, you’ve got the baby blue fabric paired with what I suppose would be called “cascading” pink flowers, but I would like to call “a dribble” or “a drool” of flowers. Then we have a dress style that is not only one-shouldered, but one-legged. I confess, I am not familiar with this style. It seems like you would constantly be startled by your own clothes when something keeps brushing against your left leg. I prefer my clothing to be more predictable. But you add to all of this the silver headband/bun holder, and you have rarely seen The Grecian Baby Garden Mermaid.
I love it.