This past weekend I was in Charleston, South Carolina for my sister’s wedding. Without my children.
WITHOUT MY CHILDREN, Y’ALL!
My saintly in-laws came up and stayed at our house with the kids for four days so we could celebrate with my sister. It was the first time my husband and I have flown anywhere together since our honeymoon. And, AND — I might have mentioned earlier that our children were not with us.
Good times? Prepare to be had.
It was my first time visiting Charleston, and let me say: HOLY CRAPOLA, WHAT A GORGEOUS CITY!!!! I mean, really. For a history nerd like me who also enjoys food, it was HEAVEN.
There were houses like the one on the left everywhere. And a lot of them had signs telling you about their history, so it took a long time for me to get down any streets. Mike tolerated this as best he could.
Me: “Honey! This one used to be a counting house!! What is a counting house?!!”
Charleston has cornered the market on charm: they have palm trees, horse drawn carriages, historic homes, and a freaking trolley. I was sure that at any moment I was going to cross Duckling Lane and end up in Laughing Baby Square.
Mike and I were lucky enough to stay in a beautiful hotel. It was quiet and comfortable. But (because we are us) our favorite thing about our hotel was our toilet. His name was Bemis.
Bemis was a slow and gentle flusher, so when we were standing around waiting for him to get the job done, we’d do our best Beavis and Butthead impression and say, “Damn it, Bemis!” And then we’d laugh.
Charleston is known for its food, and for good reason. We did not have a single meal there that was not awesome. Mike in particular was really proud of the morning he had cinnamon bun french toast with cheese grits and a side of bacon. Because heart attacks are just God giving your heart a hug.
We had breakfast one day at a restaurant called Toast, where I made the mistake of asking if I could have a side of toast with my omelette. The waiter was like, “It all comes with toast.” And I was like, “Oh, right. Because TOAST.”
Then we ran across another restaurant called “Bananas and Caviar,” and we couldn’t figure out what that meant. Mike decided it was a fancy way of saying, “Cock and Balls.”
We did not eat there.
We did, however, visit the Charleston City Market, which is a long indoor/outdoor market with all kinds of crafts and snacks and art. I loved it. Mike was not impressed (if you are looking for a place in Charleston to load yourself down with assorted crap, Mike has a place he would like to show you.)
There also seems to be some controversy over whether or not the Charleston City Market was once a place where they sold slaves. Some say, “Totally slaves” and others say “What? No! Just vegetables.” I don’t really know, but “vegetables” sounds an awful lot like what someone would say if they were really selling people. Call me suspicious.
The highlight, however, was when we found a shop in the market called “Passing Fancy,” which Mike said sounds like what happens when you eat a bunch of ribbon. That made me so happy that it became my favorite store, and I have no idea what they sell there.
But my very favorite thing about Charleston, was this: the pineapple fountain — specifically, the sign next to the pineapple fountain.
People, allow me to share with you the unequaled joy that is the sign next to the Charleston pineapple fountain. I took a picture of it, and will quote it for you here. I am not making any of this up.
Please Enjoy The Fountain
THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PERMITTED:
- There should be no solo wading.
- No running, boisterous or rough play.
- No person under the influence of alcohol or drugs should use the fountain.
- There should be no spitting or blowing nose in the fountain.
- Persons with diarrheal illness or nausea should not enter the fountain.
- Persons with skin, eye, ear, or respiratory infections should not enter the fountain.
- Persons with open lesions or wounds should not enter the fountain.
- No animals or pets allowed in the fountain.
- No glass allowed in the fountain or on the deck.
- No children should be allowed in the fountain without supervision.
- You should take a shower before entering the fountain.
- This fountain is open from 6:00am to 12:00am.
- The maximum number of waders allowed in the fountain is 25.
I. Love. This. Sign.
I love everything about it. I love that if you read any one of those rules out loud and then add a pointed, “…STEVE” to the end of it becomes even more hilarious.
I love that even though it says at the top of the sign that these things are “not permitted,” they sign itself only suggests what would happen in an ideal situation. “No children should be allowed in the fountain without supervision…but, you know, sometimes shit gets away from you. We get it. Have some grits.”
I love that they have introduced me to the term “solo wading,” and that I now have a new way to refer to masturbation.
And I love that they felt so strongly about no diarrhea in the fountain that they put it on a sign.
I love you, Charleston. Never change.