It’s been a while since I’ve had a parenting rant. I’m gonna go ahead and make up for that now.
It might be the heat of summer, or maybe it’s just getting to the point where I’m sick to death of being handled, but lately there has been a lot of me shaking myself free from my children’s grasp. And not in a subtle way, either. In a, “I don’t know what I just touched but I need to shake this off my hand immediately” kind of way. It’s a little ugly.
For example: going to the car. I guess there’s a part of me that thinks they’ll let go of my hand as we reach the car, like an adult would. That they will anticipate my need to have both hands free in order to operate my motor vehicle. But I really think that we could stand in front of our car, all three of us, holding hands, for minutes before they would ask me why I hadn’t unlocked the car yet. I realize that this may seem like a silly thing to expect from a 5-year-old, but we do this every day, people. Every. Single. Day. At what point do we begin to notice a pattern in the number of hands that Mom uses to unlock and drive the car? There are about a million monkeys out there who would catch on to this quicker.
My kids have a surprisingly firm grasp and — remember — I only have the one big hand. So when we are heading to the car and I have to get my car keys out, there is but one hand for the job. And that’s the one they’re usually holding. That means that I have to shake my hand free in a somewhat-violent manner, which I’m sure makes me look like I fucking hate my kids.
I’ve tried using my words, like, “I need my hand,” but that doesn’t get results. As anyone with a child this age knows, these children don’t hear you. They are off in some bright and fast-moving world full of numbers and letters and snacks, and they completely filter you out. The only thing I can do to regain my freedom is forcibly pry myself loose. And this requires a movement that looks like I slammed my fingers in a car door, or a turtle grabbed hold of me and I am trying to shake it off my hand. (And we all know what that’s like, ‘miright?)
And while I’m ranting about petty things, can we talk about the grocery shopping situation? Can we please figure out that if there is one of you holding on to each side of the cart as we go down an aisle, then no one can get past us? And when we see someone coming, wouldn’t the better idea be to let go of the cart and drop behind mom, rather than plow steadfastly ahead and let physics have its way with us all? Honestly, you guys.
Thanks. I feel better now.
Have a great weekend, everyone! Next week I’ll be talking about the kama sutra. It’s going to be super weird.