Child, I love you but oh my god please stop touching me


It’s been a while since I’ve had a parenting rant. I’m gonna go ahead and make up for that now.

How adorably inconvenient. (image via sxc)

How adorably inconvenient. (image via sxc)

It might be the heat of summer, or maybe it’s just getting to the point where I’m sick to death of being handled, but lately there has been a lot of me shaking myself free from my children’s grasp. And not in a subtle way, either. In a, “I don’t know what I just touched but I need to shake this off my hand immediately” kind of way. It’s a little ugly.

For example: going to the car. I guess there’s a part of me that thinks they’ll let go of my hand as we reach the car, like an adult would. That they will anticipate my need to have both hands free in order to operate my motor vehicle. But I really think that we could stand in front of our car, all three of us, holding hands, for minutes before they would ask me why I hadn’t unlocked the car yet. I realize that this may seem like a silly thing to expect from a 5-year-old, but we do this every day, people. Every. Single. Day. At what point do we begin to notice a pattern in the number of hands that Mom uses to unlock and drive the car? There are about a million monkeys out there who would catch on to this quicker.

My kids have a surprisingly firm grasp and — remember — I only have the one big hand. So when we are heading to the car and I have to get my car keys out, there is but one hand for the job. And that’s the one they’re usually holding. That means that I have to shake my hand free in a somewhat-violent manner, which I’m sure makes me look like I fucking hate my kids.

I’ve tried using my words, like, “I need my hand,” but that doesn’t get results. As anyone with a child this age knows, these children don’t hear you. They are off in some bright and fast-moving world full of numbers and letters and snacks, and they completely filter you out. The only thing I can do to regain my freedom is forcibly pry myself loose. And this requires a movement that looks like I slammed my fingers in a car door, or a turtle grabbed hold of me and I am trying to shake it off my hand. (And we all know what that’s like, ‘miright?)

I bet his kids leave him the fuck alone when he's carting melons. (image via sxc)

I bet his kids leave him the fuck alone when he’s carting melons. (image via sxc)

And while I’m ranting about petty things, can we talk about the grocery shopping situation? Can we please figure out that if there is one of you holding on to each side of the cart as we go down an aisle, then no one can get past us? And when we see someone coming, wouldn’t the better idea be to let go of the cart and drop behind mom, rather than plow steadfastly ahead and let physics have its way with us all? Honestly, you guys.

Thanks. I feel better now.

Have a great weekend, everyone! Next week I’ll be talking about the kama sutra. It’s going to be super weird.

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (


  1. Oh dear heavens…I thought I was the only one. 🙂 I know I’ll miss it once she refuses to touch me ever…but…there is a limit for the love of God.

  2. HAHA! Smiled from ear to ear. this is me – except they want to constantly hang on me, like monkeys and lay on me like dead weight. i can not do a friggin thing with out someone wrapped around my waist. i know i sound terrible and i’m a mommy must, but for the love of GOD little people, get the F OFF OF ME!!! that will be all.
    alisa recently posted..A review of books and parentingMy Profile

  3. My kiddo also has this *need* to hold my hand constantly when we are in public. So the rule has become when we get to the car, both her hands go on the car so that I can open it and get her in. Yes the car is dirty but I’d rather take the dirt over the not being able to get in the car thing. 😉

  4. Today, this morning, before 9am, my 4 yr old managed to tip over the Target cart. There it was. And then there it wasn’t. Nobody got hurt and even though I was riddled with hate-stares from non-child-wielding folk I laughed. What else can ya do?
    Fuck off people, my kids don’t get it yet. But they know what assholes look like now. Considering no one helped us right the cart. justsayin’
    Love this blog! You make me laugh every time 😉

  5. Yeah. Not a fan of touching so much. Way worse in summer!
    outlawmama recently posted..These People Hate Me And They Don’t Even Know MeMy Profile

  6. I feel like this too sometimes. Like I wish I had an isolation chamber to go into…
    Lily from It’s A Dome Life recently posted..Tiny-Small Swears (Again)My Profile

  7. I have an extremely introverted but very tall 8 yrs old boy who insists on holding my hand everywhere. Don’t get me wrong-I adore him and know that it won’t be long before he won’t hold my hand but when it is 86 degrees and I’m sweaty…ugh!!
    Mytwicebakedpotato recently posted..From TwitterMy Profile

  8. This blog is exactly what I’ve been looking for today. I thought it would be different with more kids though since they have each other to play with. Perhaps not. I have one daughter and she constantly wants to be around someone. It drives me bonkers probably since I am introverted. I was a stay at home mom for the first few years of her life so she’s used to having access to me. Now that she’s five it’s just annoying. Sometimes I’m wondering if I am being mean, but he girl has to learn boundaries!

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