Hello again, Craft Wars!
This week’s episode is called “Blinded by the Light”, after that song no one knows the words to. Here is what I think they are:
“Blinded by the light,
Wrapped up like a deuce,
Another roamer in the night.”
I believe it is a story about a senile grandpa and the horrible tricks he plays with his poop in the middle of the night. But then again, I do have the heart of a poet.
AAAAAAAAAAAANYhoo. Let’s talk Craft Wars. Who are this week’s contestants?
- Marylena is an art professor from Holderness, NH.
- Daniel is from Los Angeles and specializes in multimedia sculpture. Like this:
- Becky is from Indianapolis, and is a blogger (what’s up, my sister?!) who says she likes to take things off the side of the road and turn them into something special. Mike, who had wandered into the room during her intro, asked, “Like a deer?” God, I hope not. Or maybe, I hope SO………
Becky……..I have no clue what she’s up to. Something involving hoops and spray paint. But she seems to have it under control so lets move on. The winning moment here was when she told Tori she was freaking her out, and Tori said, “That’s my job! No, I’m just kidding.” (She’s not kidding)
Becky presents her chandelier and they fucking HATE it. Damn, Becky — did you steal someone’s sandwich from the break room? Was it Hair’s? Yeah. I bet it was Hair’s.
Marylena’s assistant is her HUSBAND, for pete’s sake! Nice to see a husband who is supportive of his wife’s dreams. Because I think you all know what Mike would do in that situation. “Meredith, I’ve been thinking it over, and I really think that what this chandelier needs is some cocks, complemented by an array of balls.”
I have to say, I loved that when Tori came around on her Enthusiasm Killing Tour, Marylena was all, “I don’t have time for your nonsense, Spelling! I have an 80’s hairdo chandelier to craft!” and walked right around her. Magnificent work.
Here is her final product:
Daniel is making a spiral shell and is about to bust both of his giblets in the process. When the blinds were falling down I swear I thought girlfriend was going to smack his assistant Rochelle across the face and scream, “WE NEED TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING, DAMN YOU!!!!”
When he finishes and finds he still has some time left, Daniel says, “We were thinking about bedazzling some jewels here…..” No. Wrong. Never THINK about bedazzling, Daniel. JUST BEDAZZLE.
And bedazzle he does. A little bit. Again, the judges wish there had been more glitter. Always with the glitter, these people.
Becky the sandwich stealer gets cut. We are off to the master craft challenge. Tori says that the subject of today’s master craft is something she loves even more than crafting (music? her family?) — food and wine. Come on, Spelling!!
They are asked to make a food and wine display out of the things used to make food and wine. First the light out of the anti-light, now this. This Craft Wars is all about going down the rabbit hole, isn’t it?
Off they go to do their thing, and it is all very complicated and detailed, and at one point they play the scary music while Daniel is trying to cut open a wine bottle and you are POSITIVE this is going to be the first violent death on Craft Wars, and then time gets called and here is what we end up with.
Marylena makes a grape-inspired……..this.
And no one knows what the fuck to say. It’s like a thing for your stuff, is what I say!
And for god’s sake, Craft Wars, can we ease up a bit on the over-dubbing after the fact? I mean, when Hair said, “I’d want THAT in MY dining room!” the entire country said, “Oh for fuck’s sake.” Even people who weren’t watching the show felt suddenly moved to roll their eyes. Or if you’re going to keep up the dubbing, at least hire Morgan Freeman to do it. That man has a voice like butter.
And then we have Daniel, who made a small room:
This boy made placemats, chalkboards, lanterns, awnings, leaves, a tree…………..slow down, little buddy. Slow down. Dimples McGee says Daniel presents “a facade of neatness….but underneath there is some sloppy work.” He was so disgusted his dimples were practically puckering in disapproval.
But Daniel wins!! Huzzah!
The season finale was also on last night, but I will cover that one next week.