We’re back for Round 2, everybody! This week’s episode: Heavy Metal. Awesome. I want to see Tori Spelling in leather pants, putting roofies in all the other judges’ drinks. What I get is Tori in a studded leather jacket. Alright. Whatever.
The contestants this week:
- Minda from DC. I dig the faux-hawk…..dig the feather earrings…..ok, tell me more……blender lamp? Aaaaaaaand I’m out.
- Cole (a dude!) from Phoenix, is a prop builder. Cole likes to build things out of metal and instruments. Cole may not be fully aware that he is not on Monster Garage. But given the theme of this week’s show, I believe we have a ringer!
- Claudia, is a painter from Chicago. Claudia. I have something important to ask you. May I please have one of those lamps they put up a photo of in your intro. Thank you very much.
So “Rock Star Tori” comes out (she’s like Barbie, this one….I hope she’s an astronaut next week!) and tells the crafters she’s jealous because “you get to spend the whole day crafting with some of the coolest items you’ll ever get to work with.” Totally. Like the hole punch from last week? That WAS pretty cool. And so we start with our Pop craft challenge. Tori says, “there are two things that I love: crafting, and music.” Guess Dean and your twelve children can screw off, huh? They didn’t even make the list before MUSIC. I mean, that they wouldn’t beat crafting was a given, but MUSIC? Ouch. Whatever. They don’t pay the bills. Back to crafting, Tori!
The challenge is to make two pieces of jewelry using items from baskets filled with “vintage” stereos and radios. In other words, the stuff I used as a teenager. Nice. One day I’ll be saying, “Good night, grandkids. Granny is off to listen to the Jay-Z on her old boom box.” “Going to listen to a little ’99 Problems’? Oh Granny Bland, you’re ADORABLE.”
And we’re off! Cole gets started with his assistant, his brother (a second dude!) named Tige. Tige. Pronounced Ty. Sure. Bet he flew hige in a plane to get there. Had to say good-bige to their other brother, Cige. I’m sorry, Tige. As a somewhat impatient person, I cannot imagine having to deal with those questions every day. I have a bad enough time with a last name like Bland. Forget having to say, “T-I-G-E……no, not Tee-gay – it sounds like TY. But not spelled that way. I DON’T KNOW WHY!!”
While the crafters are conferring with their assistants, Tori puts a little tweet down at the corner of the screen that says, “Good assistants listen and offer ideas to help elevate the vision and execute the game plan within the time allowed.” First of all, Tori did not write that tweet. Second, doesn’t it kind of sound like the second half of that tweet was “BAD assistants won’t shut the fuck up and do as they’re told.” Yes? No?
I would really like to see what the judges are up to during this hour while the crafters are scrambling around. The show likes to make us think that they are just sitting there watching the crafters the whole time, sipping milkshakes through a straw and making bitchy comments to each other. But I have my doubts. Even Tori tweeted that she watches the whole time. Really? Really really? Hm. I’m not buying it. Those stools don’t look comfortable and Tori is about 8 months pregnant in heels. Show me a recliner with a hemorrhoid pillow and some Cheezits next to it in the corner – THEN I’ll be convinced.
Minda is making animal jewelry with her assistant, Andy (a third dude! It’s a sausage fest at Craft Wars tonight!). She chooses a butterfly necklace and an owl brooch. When I heard “animal jewelry” I was really hoping for a beaver and a geoduck. Geoduck brooch: crafters, get on that, STAT!
Poor Claudia burns through ideas and ends up with plan C – which, by the way, is exactly three more plans than I would have had (cock and balls necklace made from ear buds, anyone?). I do wish, however, that when she went to smash the stereo she had gone for the mallet instead of the hammer. I also wish she had gone at it from a running start, but some wishes just aren’t meant to be.
In the judging, the judges get all over Claudia’s ass about plan C. DANG. Can’t a bitch have a plan C?! Cole…….well, I dug his jewelry in all its delicious pokiness. And then comes Minda. Judge Stephen (or, as I think of him, Dimples McGee) takes this opportunity to lay down some knowledge. “The first rule of crafting is, you don’t talk about crafting.” No no no, apparently it’s “don’t paint styrofoam when you only have one hour.” Huh. Who knew?
Claudia gets cut and we are off to the Master Craft Challenge! “You guys crafted hard,” says Tori. Damnit. Tori, you’re making this too easy for me. I’m gonna let that one go.
For this one, they have to make something that will be displayed in the Granny Museum. Sorry – GRAMMY Museum. Grammy. They have paint cans, fans, tea pots, instruments, just a big ol’ hodge podge of silver. Tori tells them they will be judged on “how well the captured the essance of heavy metal.” Fine. But if there isn’t some vomit and a beating, then I call shenanigans.
Cole says he is “ready to kick some craft.” Uh-huh. Take that one to your local watering hole, Cole. I’ll bet you’ll get your craft handed to you. He is going to go ahead and make a gritty version of a Grammy by DUCT TAPING EVERYTHING AND MELTING IT WITH A BLOW TORCH! It was at this point that my husband, Mike, joined me. When he heard Cole’s plan, he said, “Does he know that duct tape will catch on fire? No, you know what? Do it. Do it. Yeah, it will be fine. Do it.” When he saw that Minda was going to make a rattlesnake, he was – and I quote – “offended” that no one made a robot. Offended. That’s my man.
Tori goes around again on her dream-crushing tour to check in with the contestants, and convinces Minda to completely redesign the scales she was working on for the past hour. Do you see what you do to people, Spelling?! You ruin lives. Now Minda is putting denim pants on a snake. I hope you can sleep at night.
And then came the part of the show, that was, for me, the absolutle highlight. There is Cole, wrapping his Grammy in duct tape and setting it on fire, and then getting frustrated that it is not “holding its form.” Because it’s duct tape. And he’s melting it. “That’s okay, guys! We’ll fix it with duct tape! And then melt it again. And then fix it with – OH GODDAMN IT!”
Anyway. In the end, Minda’s paint can snake with the awesome light bulb eyes (so it can see you in the darkness of your dreams) had – get this – TOO MUCH GLITTER. In a crafting competition!! Even Stephen, who owns a business called GLITTERVILLE, thought it was over the top. Daaaaaaamn.
Cole, with his melted duct tape (what does THAT smell like, by the way? I am guessing the burning dreams of a fabulously glittery snake) won the day. HUZZAH!!
Craft Wars, you have done it again. I can’t wait for next week.
Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Imperfect Parent, an angel gets its wings? and I make about 1/8th of penny? But, you know, do it for the angels.
Errant Parent: Reading to my kids is a pain in the ass
Reckless Video: Read my review of The Lorax
My articles at Klat:
- Over the line? When is it too soon to joke about tragedy?
- Survey finds parents lie about their children’s sleep habits
- The best jokes on Twitter about the Mars Curiosity landing
- “Is parenting being outsourced?” A response to the ChicagoNow blog
Also, I just found out the the links in my Greatest Hits section were leading to Nowheresville, so that is now fixed. Huzzah!