Well, folks, the time has come to say good-bye to Craft Wars. This is the Season One finale, titled “Pilgrim Plumbing.” What the hell is pilgrim plumbing? I have no clue, but they both start with P. Let’s go, Craft Wars.
Tonight’s contestants are:
- Kathleen Francis from Harrisburg PA — A professional craft blogger.
- Nikki McGonigal from Phoenixville, PA — Also a blogger. Blog on, sisters. Blog on.
- Stephanie Baum from Chicago — She sews toys, and is here to pay the rent.
And here comes — WHAT THE HELL?? Who the hell is this?! Where is Spelling?!! “Tori couldn’t be here today”? What kind of shitty excuse is that? Is she giving birth? Is a child in the hospital? Is she getting waxed? Give me a reason! Damn. Well, hi Steve, whoever you are. But you know who you aren’t? Tori Fricking Spelling. I mean, it’s the Thanksgiving episode!! Tori might have come out dressed like a pilgrim! I will sigh, and think of what could have been.
We are all about Thanksgiving today, because as “Steve” (if that is his real name) says, crafters prepare for it all year long. Really? Do they really? Are crafters making felt turkeys in July, like those creepy year-round Christmas stores where the gal behind the counter is sweating her balls off in a Christmas sweater and ornament earrings in 98% humidity, wondering why she can never find a Christmas themed tank top?
But I digress.
Today’s Pop Craft is to make a wine rack out of Thanksgiving day ingredients. Like turkey basters. And footballs. Hm. I feel like an opportunity was missed here to make a turkey run out of turkey basters.
And we’re off!
First we have Kathleen and her assistant, Beth. The plan is to make circles out of pie tins. The plan is not going well. And it ends up kinda…….oy. But boy did she try to sell it by saying the “family is like interlocking circles” thing. Bravo, madam. Bravo.
Next, we have Nikki and her assistant, Jen. Their idea is using spoons and forks to hold wine on a chalkboard that is mounted to the wall. With turkey baster hooks. And also it takes videos and works as an air freshener. Because it does EVERYTHING. But seriously, that is the world’s most adorable fabric. Sorry. It’s true. And the judges LURVE it.
Finally, we have Steph and Tim. I love Tim. I don’t have a single reason why, but I do. I shall call him Big Tim and I’ll be like, “Hey Big Tim, you want to go get some fro-yo together?” And he’d be like, “Totally!” Because we’d be best friends.
Steph and Tim make a hanging wine rack with turkey basters as a base. And it is very cute in a completely terrifying way. I would — for sure — break every wine bottle in that thing just by walking past it. My mojo is that strong. And to prove me right, Dimples goes over and smashes a wine bottle. OH SNAP! Then he bends over, picks up a single shard, and drags it down each dimple while chanting in an unknown language.
Ok, that last part didn’t happens. But he did go over and break a bottle. Just cuz he could — all high on Craft Judging power.
Speaking of judges, instead of the “Tori Spelling Soul Killing Tour”, all three of them went over to check on the crafters. Aw, shit. It’s a gang bang. It took all three of them to equal one dream killing Tori. “Steve” wasn’t even invited. They were all, “Sit down, Steve. Let the grown-ups work.”
Kathleen gets sent home. and we are off to the Master Craft Challenge! The challenge is to decorate a table and mantle for Thanksgiving with — wait for it — items from the shitter: toilet brushes, bathmats, shower curtains, the works. Dudes — I AM GIDDY WITH EXCITEMENT. GID-DY.
Nikki goes to work on an arbor. The focus of our coverage of Nikki’s 5 hours is her flowers made of toilet bowl scrubbers and rubber gloves. Which take an hour for every three that get made. Steph is over there making corn and trivets and turkeys and trees coming out of tables……..and then we go back to Nikki and talk more about her failed toilet scrubber flowers. Everything is going wrong for Nikki, but it’s sunshine and positivity over at Steph’s table. The contrast between the two is giving me a migraine.
In the end, Steph wins with her kid’s table. But I have to say, these were both some crazy creative hookers. Nice job, gals. You are everything felt and sewing machines that I am not.
And thank you Craft Wars for some laughs!