I am the Anti-Craft.


I am not a “crafty” person. My Native American name is “Draws Like Monkey”.  I am talking about is this kind of crafty:

This is a chicken made out of potato chip bags. Yeah, really. I shall call her the Chipper Chicken, and you will all slap your knees and shake your heads at my play on words.

I cannot craft. I just can’t. As a mom I get craft ideas thrown in my face constantly. It’s like………never mind. I had a horribly inappropriate joke that I wanted to put in here, but Mike convinced me it was a bad idea. I have to tell you, though, that it was fucking hilarious. Anyway. Let’s move on.

Most articles about craft projects talk about how very easy they are, and how anyone can do them. I am here to shove those statements right back in the authors’ rosy-cheeked, sparkly-eyed faces. On a related note — have you noticed how there are two kinds of crafters? The rosy-cheeked kind mentioned above, who are patient and kind but just a little fruity — which is where the crafts come in. Also these people usually grow their own squash and their homes are always the perfect amount of clean (it’s clear they don’t have a housekeeper, but you’re also not going to touch anything unexpectedly sticky). The other kind of crafter is what I’ll call, The Loner. The Loner owns 1 or 2 pets (typically a cat, but could also be a small, old, mostly blind dog), is over 40 but wears barrettes in primary colors, and loves e-mail forwards.

At any rate, I am no kind of crafter because I have no artistic skill and ZERO creativity. I agonize over decisions like choosing a paint color. And you know what? I get it wrong 100% of the time. I have never painted a room and thought, “Yes. That is EXACTLY the look I was going for.” It’s more like, “So……..I guess we live with this, now.” I had some chairs re-upholstered last summer, and I swear the visit to the fabric store was enough to make me question my mental competence. “Which ones do you like?” “I don’t know.” “Do you want a pattern? Stripe? Solid?” “I don’t know.” “Here are three choices. Which one do you think would go best in your living room.” “…………..I don’t know.” “Do you know where you live? Who is the president?”

Needless to say, you put me in front of a blank canvas with bowls full of paint, glitter, buttons, and pipe cleaners and tell me to “make whatever you want”, and I am going to have a sad moment. I will probably be Captain No Fun of the Downer Express who does not participate. But the children, oh, how the little children love themselves some crafts. And thank god for preschool because that is the only place mine can craft to their heart’s content.

So I have decided to stretch myself a little bit and try to do some crafting. The kids and I went to JoAnn’s last week and stocked up on glue, paints brushes, glitter, googly eyes, and stickers. And I saved 4 toilet paper rolls so we could get our toilet paper roll craft on. I did some google image searches for something that seemed do-able. Not for the kids — I’m not worried about their abilities — but for me.

So, less like this:

Welcome to my hobo village, located in a sewer pipe.

And more like this:


I had visions of cute little butterflies, an octopus, some cute little creature……something that looked like anything at all. Instead, we created this:

I guess you’d call this a collage. Collage is an arty word for “miscellaneous glued on crap”, right? We did manage to put a pair of eyeballs on the toilet paper roll on the right, though. Stars, flowers, hearts, a baby carriage, and a toilet paper roll with eyeballs. This is definitely going to be Exhibit A at one of our trials. I don’t know whose, and I don’t know for what, but it will prove EVERYTHING.

So craft attempt number one — mixed results. Successful in the sense that the kids had a blast and no one got hurt. Unsuccessful in the sense that the original plan was abandoned for an orgy of glitter and paint. Not sure what we will attempt next…………look out, Pinterest. I have research to do!


  1. OMG, you have NO idea how many times I’ve said some of the stuff here. People who do this stuff amaze me. People who LIKE it? Amaze me more!

  2. Can you post directions on how to make that awesome chicken??

  3. Pingback: Craft Wars: The best show on TV with both Tori Spelling and crafters. | Pile of BabiesPile of Babies

  4. OMG!!! I cannot craft for anything. My daughter is only 2 so she isn’t quite there yet but IDK what I will do when she does………….Maybe send her to Gigi’s 😉

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