Let’s talk about dishwashers. No, for serious! It’s going to be so much better than you think.


Image via Pixabay

Image via Pixabay

I used to love my dishwasher; it came with the house when we bought it five years ago, and it was my first stainless steel, silent dishwasher. For purposes of comparison, the dishwasher we have had at our former home had probably been there for at least twenty years and was so loud you couldn’t have a conversation when it was on. So when I upgraded to the Silver Stallion, I was pumped.

Unfortunately, it turns out that when you use an already used dishwasher two-three times a day for five years, it causes a little wear and tear. And the Stallion is making its final gasps for air. The way it’s going out is pretty creative, though: it changes wash cycles all on its own, numerous times during the day. You’ll be sitting on the sofa and you’ll hear a beep, and that will mean our dishwasher has probably changed over to the china cycle for no goddamn good reason. And that means that when you unload the dishwasher, you expect to leave half of the dishes in there because they are not clean = not how dishwashers work.

For me, this is a done deal. The Stallion must be put out to pasture. But my husband is quite the handy dude, so I let him pretend that he was going to fix it for a few weeks. Then, a few days ago, he came to me with this gem:

Mike: “Oh, so you’re going to really love this…” (FYI — this means I am not going to love this)

Me: “Yeah? What’s that?”

Mike: “So I discovered that if you load the dishwasher, then go downstairs into the garage and flip breaker number twelve, wait five seconds, and then flip it back on again, the dishwasher resets itself to the ‘Normal’ cycle.”

Me: (looking at Mike)

Mike: (looking at me)

Me: “Huh. That’s really great, Mike. So whenever I want to run the dishwasher I just need to go to the garage and flip a circuit breaker?”

Mike: “Breaker number twelve.”

Me: “Right. Number twelve. Honey, I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t want to do that.”

Mike: “Why do you not appreciate all of these gifts I have given you?  How can you be ungrateful for this bounty — well, not this part of the house because this part is pretty shitty — but the rest is okay.”

Me: “Mike. I am not going to flip a circuit breaker to run the dishwasher.”

Mike: “FINE.”

Image via freeimages

Image via freeimages

So now we are possibly in the market for a new dishwasher, though Mike may need a few more weeks to pull the trigger on that one. In the meantime, I have been forced to think about all the different cycles and capabilities of my dishwasher as it cycles through them endlessly and without reason.

ANTI-BACTERIAL: Shouldn’t they all cycles be able to get rid of bacteria? And what would prompt you to say, “Hold on — this load needs to be on the anti-bacterial cycle. And don’t ask me any questions.” I’m thinking crime scene clean up. Or dirty horrible sex stuff: “Wait! Do NOT touch that spatula. That needs to go in the dishwasher ASAP. Anti-bacterial cycle. Now.”

COOKWARE: Doesn’t everyone wash their pots and pans by hand? Am I some sort of sucker for doing that all these years? And don’t you have to use a whole lot of pots in order to fill up the dishwasher and make that cycle necessary? What if you’ve got some forks in there too? Then which cycle do you use? It’s too much.

NORMAL: Thank you. Nothing fancy, here. Just normal.

SPEED CYCLE: That’s where you take a dirty spoon out of the sink and wipe it with a sponge, right? No? Hm.

CHINA CYCLE: Who is eating off of china often enough to need a whole separate cycle on the dishwasher for it? Also, I like to imagine that the china cycle involves a lot of suds, gentle wiping, and hollow compliments.

PLASTIC CYCLE: Plastic what? Someone help me out here. Name plastic things you wash in the dishwasher that require their own cycle…and GO.

SINGLE RACK WASH: This has to be for single people. My dishwasher hasn’t been half-full in over a decade.

RINSE ONLY: For washing off the big chunks.

1-24 HOUR DELAY: “Alrighty, I’ve got my dishwasher loaded, let’s put in some soap, and now let’s set the timer for…let’s see…how about nineteen hours from now. Yeah, that’ll be perfect.”


So many things confuse me when I start thinking about them. Sooooooooo much stuff.

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).


  1. My dishwasher is from Sacramento. He’s ok most of the time. But sometimes he forgets and plays mahjong on his fancy phone while farting on my couch.
    I’m going to go to the garage and flip Breaker switch 12 or 2 or whatever and see if that doesn’t light a fire under his flat ass.
    For the record, because this is official and all, my Whirlpool was the shiznit. Then we moved. Now I have a HotFuss thing and I kinda hate it.

  2. Very funny, thanks for posting, I really enjoyed your post xx

  3. Are you married to my husband? Because it kind of sounds like you are. The dishwasher in our first house cleaned REALLY well…but that’s because it just kept cleaning for eternity, unless you shut it off manually. We didn’t realize it at first. In fact, before we moved all our stuff in, we were doing some other renovations and ran it one night before leaving. When we came back the next morning, it was still running. At the time, we didn’t have any extra money in the budget to get a new one. So we had to set a timer every time we ran it to remind us to go manually turn it off. It was a pain.

    More recently, I was more excited than I probably needed to be when we replaced the dishwasher in our current house. The one that was here when we bought it just didn’t do a good job at all. I almost cried happy tears when the new one actually removed all the dried-on smoothie from the blender without having to pre-rinse or soak it first. So, of course, I blogged about it. You didn’t need to tell me this post was going to be better than I thought. Because I KNOW.
    Kelly recently posted..How Real Love Stories GoMy Profile

  4. Just had the dishwasher battle with the hubby. We finally got a new one after long hard struggle! I agree with you on the various settings 🙂
    Petite Diva recently posted..McDonald’s needs a change…ing tableMy Profile

  5. Thank you for another amusing post! It was packed full of information that the 53 year old me never knew or thought about as all the dishwashers in my life so far have been human…

  6. I am currently earning my MFD (Masters of f-ing Dishwashers). I have shopped, researched, discussed with my awesome architect/interior designer sister…blah, blah, blah. and my verdict is sell him on a Bosch. The silver stallion can be replaced by another stainless beauty. the Bosch is “German Engineering” just like BMW and Mercedes. and they’re really, really good and reliable. they have a “leak stop” system, which I thought was like a diaper seal, but apparently it’s way, way cooler. it shuts down and drains if it detects a leak…before flooding the first floor! Also instead of the new-fangled internal garbage disposal, it has a large, easy to reach/clean filter so less fancy shmantcy mechanisms to break, just stick a gross pan, blender, leg o’lamb in and it. will. wash. it. all. So it’s on my wish list for our upcoming kitchen remodel. if you don’t need the half cycle I’d go with the Bosch 500, it has an all stainless body that helps water evaporate instead of a useless hairdryer dry cycle. Good luck, and remember, “German Engineering!”

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