I used to love my dishwasher; it came with the house when we bought it five years ago, and it was my first stainless steel, silent dishwasher. For purposes of comparison, the dishwasher we have had at our former home had probably been there for at least twenty years and was so loud you couldn’t have a conversation when it was on. So when I upgraded to the Silver Stallion, I was pumped.
Unfortunately, it turns out that when you use an already used dishwasher two-three times a day for five years, it causes a little wear and tear. And the Stallion is making its final gasps for air. The way it’s going out is pretty creative, though: it changes wash cycles all on its own, numerous times during the day. You’ll be sitting on the sofa and you’ll hear a beep, and that will mean our dishwasher has probably changed over to the china cycle for no goddamn good reason. And that means that when you unload the dishwasher, you expect to leave half of the dishes in there because they are not clean = not how dishwashers work.
For me, this is a done deal. The Stallion must be put out to pasture. But my husband is quite the handy dude, so I let him pretend that he was going to fix it for a few weeks. Then, a few days ago, he came to me with this gem:
Mike: “Oh, so you’re going to really love this…” (FYI — this means I am not going to love this)
Me: “Yeah? What’s that?”
Mike: “So I discovered that if you load the dishwasher, then go downstairs into the garage and flip breaker number twelve, wait five seconds, and then flip it back on again, the dishwasher resets itself to the ‘Normal’ cycle.”
Me: (looking at Mike)
Mike: (looking at me)
Me: “Huh. That’s really great, Mike. So whenever I want to run the dishwasher I just need to go to the garage and flip a circuit breaker?”
Mike: “Breaker number twelve.”
Me: “Right. Number twelve. Honey, I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t want to do that.”
Mike: “Why do you not appreciate all of these gifts I have given you? How can you be ungrateful for this bounty — well, not this part of the house because this part is pretty shitty — but the rest is okay.”
Me: “Mike. I am not going to flip a circuit breaker to run the dishwasher.”
So now we are possibly in the market for a new dishwasher, though Mike may need a few more weeks to pull the trigger on that one. In the meantime, I have been forced to think about all the different cycles and capabilities of my dishwasher as it cycles through them endlessly and without reason.
ANTI-BACTERIAL: Shouldn’t they all cycles be able to get rid of bacteria? And what would prompt you to say, “Hold on — this load needs to be on the anti-bacterial cycle. And don’t ask me any questions.” I’m thinking crime scene clean up. Or dirty horrible sex stuff: “Wait! Do NOT touch that spatula. That needs to go in the dishwasher ASAP. Anti-bacterial cycle. Now.”
COOKWARE: Doesn’t everyone wash their pots and pans by hand? Am I some sort of sucker for doing that all these years? And don’t you have to use a whole lot of pots in order to fill up the dishwasher and make that cycle necessary? What if you’ve got some forks in there too? Then which cycle do you use? It’s too much.
NORMAL: Thank you. Nothing fancy, here. Just normal.
SPEED CYCLE: That’s where you take a dirty spoon out of the sink and wipe it with a sponge, right? No? Hm.
CHINA CYCLE: Who is eating off of china often enough to need a whole separate cycle on the dishwasher for it? Also, I like to imagine that the china cycle involves a lot of suds, gentle wiping, and hollow compliments.
PLASTIC CYCLE: Plastic what? Someone help me out here. Name plastic things you wash in the dishwasher that require their own cycle…and GO.
SINGLE RACK WASH: This has to be for single people. My dishwasher hasn’t been half-full in over a decade.
RINSE ONLY: For washing off the big chunks.
1-24 HOUR DELAY: “Alrighty, I’ve got my dishwasher loaded, let’s put in some soap, and now let’s set the timer for…let’s see…how about nineteen hours from now. Yeah, that’ll be perfect.”
So many things confuse me when I start thinking about them. Sooooooooo much stuff.