During the past few weeks, I — like millions of other Americans — became enamored with the world of futbol (pronounced like football, only after you’ve been kicked in the stomach.) As a devoted football fan, I discovered some interesting contrasts between the game I love and the game I was temporarily flirting with.
1. In football, they wear face masks…sometimes fairly elaborate, cage-like masks like the Raider’s Justin Tuck at the bottom. Unfortunately, those types of face masks will not be allowed next season. This makes me very sad, because there so many more nightmares I had yet to dream.
Now futbol, however, has no face masks. And guess which sport’s players get bitten? With mouths? By other grown men?
POINT: Face cage.
2. When futbol players pull up their jerseys to celebrate, it looks like this:
POINT: The Mebane belly roll. I like some jelly in my NFL belly. Get it, big man.
3. Celebrations. In football, you aren’t allowed to taunt defenders after a touchdown; this includes standing over them for too long, using the football as a prop, or doing a military salute. Officials also don’t enjoy choreographed dances, which I think we can all agree is absolute madness, because who doesn’t want to see a bunch of football players doing a choreographed dance? Crazy people, that’s who.
In futbol, on the other hand, the rule book states that after scoring a goal players may neither remove their shorts nor incite a riot. And that’s about it. Shorts. And riots.
POINT: Football. The game where the players are dignified enough not to have be asked to keep their pants on.
4. When their team is getting the stuffing beat out of it, futbol fans have big reactions. Like this gentleman, for example, who forgot to bring snacks to the game.
Football fans however, such as this caring Manning brother watching his brother’s team getting destroyed during the Super Bowl, tend to spiral downward into despair. This kind of despair robs us of our ability to move our faces.
POINT: Football’s stoney sadness. This is the correct reaction to having your dreams die.
CONCLUSION: In terms of biteyness, anguish, and forced control over joy, football still reigns supreme. Now oh my god, can it please be September already?