God, do I love Etsy.

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I love Etsy. L-O-V-E it. I buy my art from Etsy. I bought coasters from Etsy. I ordered my Christmas cards from Etsy. And I love to waste time browsing on Etsy, because you find treasures like these:

1. “Vial filled with Rodent Bone Fragments” $6.75

I like the middle one, cuz you can see the teeth.

2. “Tree Mushroom, Nature’s Work” $20.00

You know what else are “nature’s work”? Tumors. Which is exactly what people will think this is when they see it on your desk. “Holy shit! Is that a tumor?!” To which you should say, “Yes. Yes it is.” The next logical question will be, “Whose is it?!!” Will they hope it’s yours? Will they hope it’s someone else’s? It’s a fantastic question.

3. “Wreath” $48.00

I had a lot of trouble with material implication (“if….then……) when I took philosophy in college, but I think I have figured it out after seeing this picture:

If you spend $48 on this, and you hang it on your door, then you own a lot of cats.

4. “Sealed cement leaves, use indoors or out” $12.00

Speaking of cats! Happy Valentine’s Day!! I appreciate that you can use this indoors or out. Because I think that when your dog dies, you should FOR SURE get one of these with a picture of Sparky licking his balls on it as a grave marker. When the artist objects, as she surely will, tell her he would want to be remembered doing what he loved best. And start crying. SOLD.

5. “Book Mark With Baby Panda” $4.50

I have a few thoughts about this one. First of all, I don’t know what the fuck that thing is, but “baby panda” doesn’t even make my Top 10 in terms of possibilities. “Upside-Down 70′s Porn Star”? Perhaps.  “Blind Beggar Mouse Asking for Alms”? Maybe.

Second, the bible quote? What does god being “slow to anger” have to do with baby pandas?! Maybe that’s the only thing that prevents god from totally losing it. He’s like, moments from freaking the fuck out, but the angels are all, “Wait, god! Remember these awesome baby pandas you made?! Yeah. They are adorable. There, isn’t that better? Now let’s go watch that YouTube video of the baby panda sneezing and have some chocolate milk.” And everything is cool.

6. “Red Butterfly Crown” $25

Holy fuckballs, people. Please. PLEASE, someone buy this and then immediately go to your local public garden and put it on. Start screaming, “GET THEM OFF!! GET THEM OFF!!!” And then go home and email me and tell me all about it.

7. “Mongolian Lamb Fur Sleeve Cuff” $20

I am just going to quote directly from the seller’s description of this item. The emphasis is mine.

“Set of sleeve cuffs to wear attached to a sweater, or alone. This is perfect for a sweater or blouse where the sleeves have gotten a little short. Or, just to add lots of pizzaz to any outfit.”

Ok. Ok………Ok. I am going to buy these. And I have two places I am going to wear them. First, I am going to take the seller up on the suggestion that they can be worn alone, and I am going to the beach in nothing but my bathing suit and my fur sleeves. Second, I am going to get a job — JUST SO I CAN DO THIS — and after a few weeks of blending in I am going to walk into the office with these attached to my business casual pantsuit. When I am asked about it, I will tell people that the sleeves had gotten a little short and I am trying to extend the wear with these sleeve cuffs. Aren’t they awesome, and would you like me to order you a pair, no well why don’t I just write out the link to the website, oh you don’t have anything to write on ok I will just e-mail it to you.

And by the way, what is going on with the Mongolian Lamb? I googled them, and I swear to god all that came up was recipes and pillow covers. They must be extremely soft and delicious.

8. “High School Graduation Photo Announcement or Invitation” $18

Oh, Tyler Joel. Your freshly pubescent, sultry, smoldering gaze screams out, “I’m graduating from high school, Nana. And I’d love for you to come to my party at the Olive Garden.”

9. “Voodoo Chicken Foot” $24

I realize I am supposed to place this on my altar as a sacrifice, but — YOU GUYS — how cute would this be as a mobile for a nursery? Dangling above your precious bundle? Twisting and turning in the breeze, inches from their little nose……ca-CAW!!!

10. “Moaning Head” $12

Suggestions for use:

  • On the pillow in the guest room for when family comes to visit.
  • Over the headrest of the passenger seat of the car.
  • Have a framed photo of “moaning face” on your desk at work next to the one of your kids.
  • Above the toilet.
  • Hide it in the closet behind your husband’s/wife’s shirts.
  • Security measure — when the motion detector goes off, this guy is hanging in the window right under the flood light.
  • Four words: Photo. On. Costco. Card.
  • Wrap “moaning face” in a baby blanket and take it to the park. Wait for someone to ask to see your baby.

I should stop. GOD I love Etsy.

5 Comments

  1. I am so gad to find your blog. It is witty and full of awesome!

  2. Pingback: Family trip! – Pile of Babies

  3. It is ten of six on a Sunday morning, meaning I have roughly ten more minutes of peace before my twins wake up. Thanks for the awesome start to my morning, including a Dr. Pepper snarf, a snort, and much giggling.

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