Hello all! I’m flying out to North Carolina with the kids today, so this week I have two guest bloggers. Today’s guest blogger is Jeff from Dad on Arrival. He is not here by choice, but to fulfill the second half of a foolish bet he made with me against my Seahawks in this year’s Super Bowl.
Jeff may not understand the power of the Seahawk’s defense, but he is one of my absolute favorite bloggers ever ever ever. See why in this post on why he could never be a mom.
Why I Could Never Be A Mom
(By Jeff of Dad On Arrival)
Most guys wouldn’t last a week in a mom’s shoes.
I would never hack it as a mom. Parenting from the guy’s perspective is no cake walk, but adding all the crap that mom’s go through—forget it. I have three kids, all born within three years of each other, so life at my house is crazy. I work full time. I parent full time. I am constantly pressed for time and on the brink of being overwhelmed. But the journey that I’ve gone through over the past several years is nothing compared to my wife, who’s in the same boat but also had to deal with all the insane things that are piled on moms. Here are just of the few reasons that I know I’m not tough enough to be a mom:
Childbirth. This one’s almost too obvious to mention. It’s a given that childbirth is small slice of hell. Yes, there’s a big slice of heaven at the end, but that doesn’t detract form the misery of ejecting a kicking, screaming child from your body via one of two extremely unappealing exit strategies. Women are fond of telling men that childbirth is a pain that no man will ever understand, that it’s worse than anything we’ll ever experience. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not. To tell you the truth, I’m not too keen on finding out. Luckily I won’t ever have to, because I was born with genitalia that are non-conducive to pushing out a small human. Many women, or at least those who haven’t logged a decade at a Mexican border town brothel, might argue the same point. However, it’s a physical impossibility for us guys, and we’re not complaining about it.
Pregnancy. I think pregnancy may be worse than childbirth. As we’ve covered, childbirth is no day at the beach, but it’s relatively short compared to 40 weeks of growing a small parasitic creature inside of you. The waves of nausea. The hormonal roller coaster. The dramatic weight gain in a short period of time. Back pain. Constant urination. Cankles. Not being able to see your feet for several months. Not being able to sleep on your back or stomach. No booze, no sushi, no cold cuts. No thank you.
I’ve given my wife a lot of grief over the years for being, um, shall we say, moody, during pregnancy. In fact, I wrote a piece about the hell on earth that is the third trimester a while back. However, I couldn’t really blame her. Pregnancy is rough. I fully recognize that I would never be able to pull off a pregnancy. In fact, most guys wouldn’t be able to do it. If guys had to carry the children in order to propagate the species, my guess is that humanity would go extinct within a generation.
All the stuff that happens after pregnancy/childbirth. Meredith wrote a very popular piece on Pile of Babies about the days immediately following a C-section. Brutal stuff. But then it continues when you get home from the hospital. I always warn new parents that they’re not out of the woods in terms of the hormonal madness once the baby arrives. During the first few months after childbirth—what some people call the fourth trimester—the mom’s body is still going through all kids of rapid, crazy change. Hormones are readjusting and fluctuating all over the place. The body is adapting to life without a baby inside it. If you had vaginal delivery, there’s all sort of healing to do down there. If you had a C-section, your core is basically gone, since they sliced through it and pulled out a little cherub. If you’re breastfeeding or pumping, your boobs literally get engorged to the point of excruciating pain, until you attach a baby’s biting mouth or a plastic funnel hooked up to an embarrassingly loud pump.
A lifetime of never being able to please everyone. Once moms face down the torture mill of pregnancy, childbirth and post-partum, then it’s off to a lifetime of being second-guessed by society for all the choices you make. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, some (idiots) act like you don’t have a “real job.” You’ve got tons of time on your hands, right? You just sit around all day watching soaps and playing bridge, right?
If you go back to work, some (morons) act like you’re dodging your responsibilities as a mom. You should be home with your kids, they say. This is what’s wrong with society today, they complain.
Moms can’t win.
So I suppose this post is my way of offering a tip of the hat to all you moms out there. It’s a tough job, probably the toughest, but somebody’s gotta do it. I’m just glad that somebody isn’t me. Kkudos to all you moms. Keep up the good work. As long as you’re around this species of ours just might have a chance.