Last week, one of my wonderful sisters-in-law emailed me to ask if I ever had guest bloggers on Pile of Babies. I said I never had, because I am but a small little blog, and no one benefits much from the three-hit boost they’d get from posting here. Luckily, she doesn’t have a blog, so none of that was important to her. So she sent me this post she wrote, which is just *MWAH* perfect.
Here is the lovely Amy, talking about the horrors of online dating.
Hello to everyone who reads this awesome blog. I’m Amy, Meredith’s sister-in-law. She has generously allowed me to guest post on her blog because: 1) I’m too lazy to sustain my own blog (seriously, when does a single, childless person find the time?), and 2) I have something serious to say to all the single gentlemen out there. But we’ll get to that.
Here’s the thing: Meredith is too much of a lady *cough* to mention this, but I really, really suck at men. I have always sucked at men. Regular friends? Aces. I have amazing friends—I truly, deeply love them, consider them my second family, would consider changing their adult diapers in the case of catastrophic illness. But boy do I ever suck at finding a good man. ASK MY BROTHER (hi Mike). I don’t even want to know the conversations that have gone on between him and Meredith about how terrible I am at this. (“Is she missing a tiny but consequential part of her brain?”)
So after a string of ridiculousness, I just called it quits for a while. I didn’t date for two and a half years. And during that time, I learned some stuff about myself…blah blah blah…I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say that at one point I considered journaling and going on a yoga retreat. Gross.
But now it’s time to get back out there, people. And let me tell you, it’s harder than you think.
“You should meet someone doing what you love!” is advice I hear a lot. The thing I love most is hiking, and it would be awesome to meet someone to share it with. You would think that, living in Colorado, there would be eligible men dangling like monkeys from every peak, but sadly that is not the case. Also, it’s not the kind of activity where you stop someone to chat them up. Most eligible-looking men are, you know, walking quickly in the opposite direction. Also, I tend to not look my best on the trail.￼
So I joined Chemistry.com.
Actually, let’s back up. First, I joined Match.com because that’s where Meredith and Mike met and I though I’d give it a try. Here was my first/only experience: an old, fat, naked guy in a hot tub “winked” at me (which is kind of like real winking but creepier). I immediately deleted my account.
Six dateless months later I joined Chemistry.com. I don’t know, it just seemed slightly less creepy. I have had this account for less than 72 hours, and I have been tempted several times to shut it down. The weirdo factor is out of control. But then I thought, “Make this a teachable moment for other poor suckers out there.” So here goes.
To all you poor suckers out there, here’s some advice about how not to do online dating. (P.S. these are all actual, real things I have seen. I’m absolutely not lying or exaggerating. Sadly.)
Profile Pic Don’ts
• A hat covering your eyes
• Black duster + black hat + black boots (D&D has not worked for you thus far; it’s not going to get you a date at 37)
• A Batman mask
See how this ramped up quickly? Moving swiftly along…
Your facial expression should not be:
• A frowny face
• A scowly face
• A smirk (what are you, too good for Chemistry.com? Joke’s on you, ass.)
• A wink (of any kind—super creepy)
• Tongue out (just…ugh)
Here’s where it starts getting awesome. You should not be:
• Naked (!!?!!)
• Naked + old + fat + hot tub
• On a barstool
• Standing over the elk you just killed
• In the dark, illuminated only by the light of your webcam (shudder)
• Holding your camera/cell phone in a bathroom mirror (get your mom to take a proper picture of you)
• Holding a beer in a titty koozie
• Posing gangsta style, unless you are actually a gangsta, in which case thanks for the heads-up
• Posing boy-band style, pointing at the camera
• Sucking on a mud bug￼
Finally, you should not post a picture of yourself with:
• Your ex (obviously cropped—I can still see her hand!)
• Other hot women (could be your sister? hard to tell)
• Your mom. Let me repeat that: Don’t post a profile pic of you and your mom on a dating site.
Profile Description Don’ts
You know that little space where you get to describe yourself and your perfect match? Don’t use it as a place to:
• Mention penises. Twice. (wait, is once OK? jury’s still out)
• Devote an entire paragraph to 30 Rock
• Specify “no sleepwalkers please” (actually, you know what? I kind of want to hear that story, so go ahead and leave that in)
• Comment on your recent divorce: “still struggling with that” (RED FLAG!)
• Talk about how cute your cats are (for some reason dogs are OK, but cats, not so much)
• Spell ladie wrong
• Write this: “You should have your own interests and hobbies, and want to show them, but not need me to participate all the time. I would like to do the same.” (Um, remind me again why you’re looking for a date?)
• Or this: “Most people will walk away feeling like they’ve been treated fairly.” (Are you negotiating a corporate merger?)
• Or this: “Looking for a good time and sex. Thats honest.” Yes, yes it is. Next.
• Or this. Never this: “Looking for a chill women [sic] who enjoys the outdoors. Someone that is easy going and not opinionated.” You’re right, you don’t want to hear my opinion.
So that’s about it. As you can see, things are really going well. I now return you to your regularly scheduled…well, I’m not exactly sure what you guys do all day, but something to do with parenting, right? (suckas)
Addendum: I was thinking about this whole online dating thing during a long run this weekend, and I had a few revelations:
There may actually be a woman out there looking for a man who can rock some batman cosplay, fell an elk, and love his mom a little too much. In which case, who I am I to judge?
Online dating is very awkward, and I hate it more than just a little bit. So I’m going to bow out and leave it to my thicker-skinned brethren. In the meantime, I’m thinking that Petfinder.com might be more my speed. Look for my upcoming post: How Not to Get Yourself Adopted, Dog. (Hint: peeing on my purse in the meet-and-greet room is on the list.)