The holiday season is a’coming, folks! It will be here before we can shake our angry fists at it. It’s time to get those gift lists together and clear out the old, unused crap to make way for the new, soon-to-be-unused crap.
I’ve started browsing through the various catalogs that are filling up my mailbox these days, and let me tell you there are some wacko things out that they’re trying to get us to buy for our kids. The moment that inspired this post, though, was when I was at my friend Emily’s house for a play date. She said, “Oh! I have to show you this thing I saw in a catalog. I thought of you immediately.” She grabbed her copy of Young Explorers, and showed me this:
Oh no, you’re not seeing things. It says: “Need a hug? Reach for a baked good!”
Holy shit, y’all.
“Cuddle up with pie!”
“No one loves you like cake.”
How about a little subtlety when telling our children to eat their feelings? It seems like an odd message to send out. However, I do look forward to the day when Disney manufactures a line of diabetic socks.
Let’s see what other Bad Ideas we can find.
1. Spy Gear Night Goggles:
Fantastic. That is exactly what I need in order to pee all over myself in the middle of the night: waking up to find two blue lasers pointing at me like something out of Zero Dark Thirty.
2. The Fort Anywhere Kit
Damnit, no. NO NO NO NO. No one on this planet needs a “fort kit.” Is anyone that tightly wound that they can’t throw a blanket over some chairs and call it good?
So what comes with the fort kit? “[A] rope, loops, clips and suction cups, the 2 twin-size camouflage sheets attach easily to doorknobs, chairs, windows or whatever’s handy to construct an impromptu hideaway.” Let me see…what are Things I Can Find In My Own Goddamn House For Free? Ding.
On the other hand, if you have ever looked at your kid’s blanket fort and thought, “If only we had some suction cups,” then this just might be the product for you.
3. RC Mega Glow Robo Shark
Pete: “Hey Joe, I’ve got a great idea!”
Joe: “Really Pete? what is it?”
Pete: “Let’s make a big mechanical shark that moves around, glows in the dark, and chomps its teeth! It’s for children!”
Joe: “Oh my gosh that’s perfect! It’s just missing one thing…”
In unison: “GLOWING. RED. EYES!”
Freeze-frame as they jump in the air and high-five.
4. Use Your Head Game
Fantastic. Let’s teach the kids that it’s fun to chuck things at each other’s heads. Soon there will be rocks. Trust me.
5. Instant Artist Drawing Projector
This girl would crumble if you handed her a pencil and a piece of paper and asked her to draw grass.
6. Sand Bucket and Form Set
Okay. There are two things you need to know about this product from the HearthSong catalog.
First, this is the picture they put next to the product:
Uh huh. And second, here’s what you get when you buy the product:
Those are buckets.
But if you want to go whole hog, you can get the extra accessories, which are these:
These are sticks.
So after purchasing this bucket and these sticks, you and your child can attempt to recreate the masterpiece at the top. It’s important that you understand, however, that despite your purchasing the perfect sand-castle-building tools, what you’re going to end up with is this:
LET THE SEASON OF MAGIC AND CRAP BEGIN.