I Am An Idiot, Part 2: Shorts Vs. Flip Flops

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Honest to christ, people. I am not aging well. At 35, I am already making decisions that for sure — FOR SURE — are going to lead to my children putting me in a home.

“Hi Ben, it’s Megan. Just calling to let you know that Mom is signing checks with a Pop Tart because she lost all her pens again. Yeah. Time to make some calls.”

The other day, I tried to take off my shorts OVER my flip flops.

Yes. Shorts……..OVER…….flip flops.

Let’s break that down for a minute, shall we?

Here are the flip flops in question. They are from the Old Navy Collection of footwear, and they continually attempt to commit suicide by impaling themselves on playground wood shavings.

The other day, while wearing said flip flops and a dashing pair of walking shorts, I decided to change into my jeans. So I started taking off my shorts. When I got to the knees, I sat down, and started pulling them over my feet. Except that I had my flip flops on. So I started trying to maneuver the shorts over the flip flops. I was bending them, twisting them……..and then I remembered that they are flip flops. FLIP FLOPS — the footwear of choice for people who find velcro complicated. Flip flops — shoes for people who like their shampoo and conditioner in one and wish that they sold toast at the grocery store.

When I realized that I was trying to avoid taking off shoes that were only attached by the toe, I sat still and had myself a little moment. Because it’s not like I ALMOST tried to take my shorts off over my flip flops. Oh no. This was a decision I committed to for at least a minute. I struggled with those flip flops, people. Anyone walking in on that scene would have said, “Um…….do you have someone here with you?…..You know, like a ‘helper’? The person who signs your checks and cuts up your hot dogs?”

Sure does make me glad I have that Living Will all set to go. Although, I worry sometimes that Mike is the one who will be in charge of making decisions for me in the event that I become mentally incapacitated. Because I promise you, he will do terrible things to me for his own amusement.

“You know, Meredith always said she wished she had gotten more tattoos. I think the devil jump-roping with his tail would be exactly what she would have picked. How big can we make that, exactly?”

My new neck tattoo.

 

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Weekly Wrap Up!

Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Imperfect Parent, an angel gets its wings? and I make about 1/8th of penny? But, you know, do it for the angels. Disclaimer — there are some disturbing stories on this site. You might not want to be sober.

Reckless Video: There was no review this week, because the movie I took home was Piranha DD. It was  – as Mike called it after only 15 minutes — “unwatchable.”  GOD DAMN, PEOPLE.

Author: Meredith Bland

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

7 Comments

  1. That would happen to me. I am always doing silly things putting plates in fridge (no food on them) food in the cupboards ect. At least you figured it out!
    Happy Little Feet recently posted..What I learned this week.My Profile

  2. totally love this post and your blog!! also, i do not even know if you were gotten, but i am giving you the dang liebster award. i’m sorry. it’s an honor. like getting crabs. you may ignore me, AND if you were already gotten, declare it null and void.
    Sue Diamond-Phillips recently posted..Liebster Award stuff. And now i have a migraine. And i’m going to start drinking.My Profile

    • THANK YOU!!!! I have gotten the Liebster before but I think it is totally awesome and I thank you SO MUCH. Not to mention that I think your blog is super great. And, I LOVE the questions you added to it! So I am going to answer them.

      1.) If you could be a celebrity for a day, who would it be?
      The unknown Baldwin brother.

      2.) Who would you rather have dinner with, Oprah, Jenny McCarthy, or Lady Gaga?
      Oprah. And I would bask in her Oprah-ness and steal soap from her bathroom.

      3.) Favorite movie?
      When Harry Met Sally

      4.) Someone gives you a new, perfect home. Catch is, you have to leave EVERYTHING. Can’t take one thing, not a picture, not a pillow. What do you do?
      I have worked hard to put things that I love and mean something to me in my house. I couldn’t leave them!

      5.) The drink you could not live without?
      Diet Coke.

      6.) What should you be doing with all the time you spend on Twitter or your blog?
      Cleaning my house. Parenting my children.

      7.) WORST movie you have ever-ever seen where you want your life back?
      The first 15 minutes of Piranha 3DD.

      8.) Most amazing thing that has ever happened to you?
      Meeting my husband.

      9.) What kind of wedding dress did you wear (or prom dress if wedding doesn’t apply)?
      I wore a white Jessica McClintock prom dress that cost $200.

      10.) Fave song of all time?
      Can’t pick one. Here are a few from my iTunes: Gold Digger by Kanye West, Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler, Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, Daniel by Elton John, Tiny Dancer by Elton John, My Chick Bad by Ludacris, and of course — Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman) by Joe Tex.

      11.) Partridge Family or Brady Bunch?
      Brady Bunch.

  3. I will join you in “the home.” I recently put my son’s shoes and socks on (though not flip-flops) and THEN started pulling his dripping wet swim trunks down. Maybe we can be roomies.
    Kim from Not My Mom’s Blog recently posted..Goodbye, health, nice knowin’ ya…My Profile

  4. Me again. Just testing to see if my image comes up. Yes, I really do belong in a home.
    Kim from Not My Mom’s Blog recently posted..Goodbye, health, nice knowin’ ya…My Profile

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