If that dog could talk, he’d probably rape you.

| 22 Comments

Date night. The night you’re supposed to reconnect with your spouse. The night you talk about who dogs would be if they were people. Or maybe that’s just me and Mike.

We were leaving a restaurant when we walked by a guy with a Bull Terrior. Which got us thinking. And then I got blogging. And it was all downhill from there.

Here are 10 dog breeds, and who they would be if they were people.

1. The Bull Terrior

If the Bull Terrior was a person, he would be the guy lifting weights in the prison yard who would later rape you in the shower.

2. The Afghan Hound

If the Afghan Hound was a person, she would be the 24-year-old your Dad remarried after he left your Mom. Also, she would like you to call her Bethanie.

3. The Basset Hound

If the Basset Hound was a person, he would be that dude that wants you to be prepared for the next Great Depression and asks if you have a six month supply of water in your home for when the sun burns out. Side note: the Basset Hound is my mother.

4. The Boxer

If the boxer were a person, he’d be loud talking at a bar about how much your team sucks and giving you financial advice. Do not take his financial advice.

5. The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

If the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel was a person, she’d be that friend you love dearly because she’s super sweet but she doesn’t know who the Vice President is and isn’t convinced that Estelle Getty is really dead.

6. The Chinese Crested

If the Chinese Crested were a person, she’d be the lead singer of an all girl group from Japan.

7. The French Bulldog

If the French Bulldog was a person, he would talk little but judge much. By the way, he has never had that particular issue but if he did he’d have a much better way of dealing with it.

8. The Komondor

If the Komondor was a person, he would be that Dad who tries to keep up with his kids at the park even though he may pass out at any second. Often heard saying, “Hey guys!! (pant pant) Wait up!! (pant) Daddy’s coming!!”

9. The Pekinese

If the Pekinese was a person, he’d be that old man in your neighborhood who isn’t totally with it, but he’ll say whatever he wants to because he survived the war, dammit.

10. Xoloitzcuintli

If the Xoloitzcuintli was a person, he would spend a lot of time asking people to just call him Steve.

22 Comments

  1. Really? A basset hound??? My eyes aren’t that pink and my ears aren’t that long. Mom

  2. Your mom is here!

    I’m so glad my mom doesn’t have internet access or know how to use a computer. (No offense, Meredith’s mom. I think it is so cool that you read her posts). I like deciding which posts she can read. Although, I would like to see her comments every once in a while. I’m sure she’d love the post I wrote last week entitled, “Mom, you are a big fat liar.”

    Chinese crested definitely my fave.

    • I know! Shhhhh!! Hide the bong!!
      My mom knows to roll her eyes at me. She’s pretty amazing that way. She did suggest that I slow down on my use of the F-word this morning, though. I told her that it was impossible.

  3. I like your blog. It makes me happy. So I’ve nominated you for a Reader’s Appreciation Award. Yay? http://dontforgettofeedthebaby.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/my-head-is-all-splodey-because-of-the-awesome/

  4. Shit. Tell her I am so fucking sorry.

  5. Hilarious. I have had two Cavaliers in my life. To your assessment of them, I say a hearty “amen!”

    • Nice! I have only had mutts with PTSD. ;)

      • Well, the CKCS is a breed who doesn’t really know it isn’t a mutt. They are too grateful for all of the love one cannot help but heap upon those painfully cute faces. They know better than to play the “fancy-sounding-breed card.” It just wouldn’t fly.

      • For what it’s worth, our first cavalier was rescued in a puppy mill sting and had some serious PTSD… good for you for giving your dogs the love they need. I know how hard it is to make them feel safe after they’ve had a rough start.

        Cheers!

  6. They really are cute. Like, so-cute-they’re-ugly kind of cute. Extremely squeezable.

  7. Not that you need to know this, but I actually don’t have any dogs now. We had one growing up. I have two cats that I got during a “Buy One, Get One Free” sale at the animal shelter. True story.

  8. Number 6 is BRILLIANT.

  9. Thanks, Paula!!! That was someone else’s favorite, too!

  10. Love it! So very funny– gotta share this with all my doggy-loving friends.

  11. Pingback: Hey guys!! (pant pant) Wait up!! (pant) Daddy’s coming!! | Middle Atlantic States Komondor Club

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