Lice: Letters from the front.

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Image via archives.gov

Image via archives.gov

My dearest Agatha,

I miss you terribly, but I assure you that all continues to be well here on the battlefront. Thus far, skirmishes have been limited to soldiers in camp whom I am not familiar with, having never once had them to my side of the camp for a pre-arranged hour of rambunctiousness (with snacks). Almost weekly I receive anonymous notes that someone, somewhere in our camp, has been afflicted, and I am warned that I must remain vigilant. Happily, I continue to be pest-free.

I admit it sometimes frightens me. Oh Agatha, the stories I hear from the medical tents…stories of the stricken weeping and obsessively combing their hair. There are some old soldiers who wander around camp, muttering about their time in the war. They speak of weeks and weeks of washing, drying, and then washing again. They talk of vacuuming mattresses and throwing beloved stuffies in airtight bags where they languish, lonely and without hugs. But my men and I are trying to live courageously, ignoring the possibility that we could be called into battle at any time. We recklessly share hats and hugs, testing fate and laughing in the face of God.

Do not worry about me, and please wash your hair with gasoline. I understand that it works.

Yours always,

Philbert

***

My dearest Agatha,

Thank you for your quick reply. I appreciate your suggestion that I use tea tree oil and mayonnaise as gentler, and more natural modes of defense. However, I have found that there are few things in life that cannot be solved by some gasoline and a match. I shall continue with this treatment though it means I shall miss many nights of delicious ‘Smores at the campfire.

I do have some bad news. I’m afraid that one of my men, Captain Riley (that’s Riley S. not Riley N.) has been stricken. He claims not to know how it happened, but we believe he was drawn into the fight whilst playing “head butt” with the other soldiers.

My darling, please know that I am keeping myself safe. Not one of us sits next to Riley anymore for fear that we may be the next to be targeted by those tiny and contagious assassins. I regard all the men with suspicion, and keep my eyes peeled for scratching.

For now, I shall relish my good health and eat another cupcake (it’s Stewart’s birthday!).

Yours always,

Philbert

***

Barnaby has already begun to itch. (image via historytoday.com)

Barnaby has already begun to itch. (image via historytoday.com)

My dearest Agatha,

The worst has happened. Yesterday evening after my bath, I discovered that I have been overcome by our adversary. Apparently they have been camped out for weeks…oh Agatha, what a fool I have been.

I have decided to contact a team of snipers who claim to be able to remove the entire scourge in a single day. In preparation, I am selling most of my worldly belongings to pay their fee. It shall be dirty, back-breaking work, but I must endure it for the sake of my magnificent hair.

Yours always,

Philbert

***

My dearest Agatha,

I received the treatment this morning. It was highly ouchy and greasy, but appears to have been effective. I am now in bed, having washed or vacuumed every single thing I own.

I am tried, Agatha. So very tired.

I look at the faces of those around me and wonder — who will be next? Will they be infested tomorrow, or next week? The very thought makes me itch. And while the uncertainty about our collective fate is torture, I can only douse my hair in gasoline, light it on fire, and hope that I will not become reinfected.

I am positive that it will work.

Yours forever,

Philbert

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

9 Comments

  1. Brilliant. My best wishes to Philbert and Barnaby. They shall be in my prayers tonight.
    Katia recently posted..TV’s Top Ten Worst HusbandsMy Profile

  2. BAH-rilliant! And after reading this, I’ll be sending my kids to school with skull caps made from cellophane from now on.
    Jeff recently posted..Good Night, Godzilla: Sweet Words at BedtimeMy Profile

  3. Lol! I work at a pre-k and daycare center. I haven’t caught it yet somehow. I think the massive amounts of gel and a tight french braid topped off with the crunchiest hairspray I can get have saved me. I know the dirty hair thing is a myth… but they can’t move quickly on anything but hair, so if my hair is more like pavement I’m safe… lol right?

    Good luck!

  4. Oh dear. It is, indeed, a war. How very apt your description was.
    Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense recently posted..How to be a kick-ass Facebook Page admin (or, How I use voo-doo magic to make you like me)My Profile

  5. This is even better if you read it while playing Ashokan Farwell (Aka the Ken Burns “Civil War” documentary song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpBuky70rMg

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