Me: “Do you remember the story of that guy who got killed by a wild goat in one of our parks last year?”
Mike: “I could take a goat.”
Me: “Hm…I don’t know, honey. Have you seen them at the zoo? They’re pretty big and surprisingly muscular.”
Mike: “Meredith, I would kick a goat’s ass.”
Me: “Oh yeah, yeah I know…but what if it was up on its hind legs? It would be as big as you are.”
Mike: “On its hind legs? You mean, like a person? Like it’s over there sipping on a latte and then we just get into it?”
Me: “Okay. Yeah. Keep laughing. You who isn’t laughing, Mike? Everyone who has ever been killed by a goat.”
Mike: “I don’t even understand why we are still having this conversation.”
Me: “You know what? You get on the internet and look up ‘goat kills person’ and I’ll bet you will find some horrible stuff.”
Mike: “I would grab a goat by its goat horns and kick it in its goat balls.”
Me: (sigh) “I just think you might be underestimating goats, Mike. And that is what will lead to your downfall.”
FYI, don’t actually search for “goat kills person.” Half the links are to the story of that poor hiker who was killed in Olympic National Forest, and the other half are about some dude who raped and killed a pygmy goat while high on bath salts.
He is never getting a job again.
“So it says here that you were convicted of a crime a few years ago. Can you tell me a little about that?”
“I raped and murdered a goat.”
“…We’ll call you.”