Nyquil is my savior. It is the balm I turn to when the world is dark and cold, and my nose is raw and drippy. I won’t hesitate to knock some back at the first sign of illness. I am not one of those people who says, “Oh, I don’t even take aspirin. I just let it run its course.” Fuck that noise. Dope me up and give me a place to lay down.
Just a few weeks ago, I discovered that Vicks has come out with a new type of Nyquil: Nyquil SEVERE.
They needed to make a “Severe”? “Severe” means “worse than that other baby cold crap you’ve been whining about.” All this time I’ve been thinking I was at the farthest end of the cold and flu medicine continuum. Well, Vicks just moved the ball on me. I can’t even imagine how fucked up you have to feel to need Nyquil Severe. This got me thinking — what other kinds of Nyquil are we missing? What else should be in our medicine cabinets? Here are three I came up with:
1. Tired? Been hard at work all day? Then you get home and your loved one wants to get it on but you are just not feeling it? Sounds like you need to be unconscious and drooling excessively, STAT.
It ain’t gonna happen.
2. You’ve just had a baby. You were up all night with your little miracle and you are exhausted. Well, we at Nyquil think that maybe your other half should experience the same joy of diaper changing before dawn.
I would, but I just can’t get up.
3. High schoolers, you know that when your parents have a date night, it’s time to raid their medicine cabinet. After you’ve sold all their Adderall, why don’t you do something a little crazy…like get totally cough medicine high.
It’s hard core and you can find it at Target next to the vitamins and the shampoo, bitches.
Got any other suggestions? Lay it on me.
Also, please check out my new Aiming Low post on new alarm clock technology!