On Sunday, some of my friends and I saw Divergent in a 21-and-over movie theater here in Seattle that has comfy seats and tables for your snacks and beers. It was nothing short of delightful.
I wasn’t expecting much from this movie. I’d read the book about a year ago and discovered that other than The Hunger Games, I have a hard time getting into books about teenagers. I guess it’s because they care about things like love and the future, whereas a cold, hollow, broken-down adult like me just can’t relate to that stuff anymore.
In the end, it turned out that Divergent the movie was nowhere near as terrible as I thought it was going to be. That is as close to a rave review for this movie that I am going to get. HOWEVER — I was entranced thoughout the film and would watch it 100 more times. Why? The acting? Eh. The writing? Not so much. Theo James?
HOLY SHITBALLS, YES.
Now, I am not a swooner. I have not had a Hollywood crush since George Clooney (and I’d still ditch it all for a week in Lake Como with him.) But I am in my mid-thirties now. Swooning over actors is only cute when you’re six and when you’re eighty. When you’re nineteen, it’s expected. But when you’re thirty-six…well, you have to tread carefully. One wrong move and you’re one of those Twilight moms holding up signs for a teenaged Robert Pattinson with your daughter and her friends. The difference here is that 1) I am not very crazy, and 2) Theo James is almost 30. Not 18, 30. THIS IS TOTALLY LEGIT AND I AM NOT A WEIRDO (that, by the way, is what I am going to put on my sign if he ever comes to town.)
Yes, the true stars of Divergent are Theo James’ lips, who assist James in playing the role of Four. They are cultured, thoughtful, and possess keen analytical skills. So I decided to review the movie based on how many pairs of Theo James’ lips the different parts deserve. I’m not saying those lips are fair or impartial, but they are pillowy.
Here are my ratings, on a scale of zero to four lips.
(PS – Spoilers, ahoy!)
1. The Beginning: We meet Tris, learn about the different factions, and she and the other sixteen-year-olds pick their factions.
Rating: Zero lips.
Reason: No Theo James. Can’t give lips to no lips.
2. Tris chooses the Dauntless faction, jumps off a building, and meets Four.
Rating: Four lips.
Reason: Welcome to our movie, Theo James’ lips. We have been waiting for you.
3. Tris fights and proves herself to be a worthy member of her new faction.
Rating: Two lips.
Reason: There are scenes without Theo James. His lips feel this was a poor decision on the part of the director.
4. Kissing scene. Raaaaaaaarrr.
Rating: Three and a half lips.
Reason: This would all be goodness, if it weren’t for the fact that while he looks like a grown man, she looks like she has to get home to study for a biology quiz. It’s a little off.
5. The big battle scene, also Tris’s parents die.
Rating: Two lips.
Reason: A surprise rating by the lips. Their reason is that while the loss of her parent’s was unfortunate, it was necessary in order to move the plot forward. You just can’t argue with those lips.
6. The good guys fight back, beat up Kate Winslet, and skip town for the great unknown.
Reason: One of the final shots of the film is a close-up of Tris’s face, and Four’s lips. That’s right — the last few minutes of the movie are all about them lips. Which is no more than they deserve, say Theo James’ lips.
Theo James’ lips say, “Run, don’t walk, to see Divergent. We are magnificent.”