January 22, 2015
by admin
6 Comments

‘Christian Mingle, The Movie’ Exists, And I Have Never Been Happier In All My Life

Sometimes life is amazing. Sure, because of things like children, rainbows, and chocolate chip gelato. But also because every once in a while life taps you on the shoulder and says, “Hey. You’ve been having a rough month, so I got you a little something. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I think you’re really going to like it.” It’s when things like that happen that you get Christian Mingle, The Movie.

Christian Mingle. 

The Movie.

I swear I’ve never been more excited about anything in my whole life.

I learned about this gem while writing an article for Mommyish. I was on a Christian news site (because they have their own news, I guess) when I saw an ad on the right side that I could hardly believe was real.

Screen Shot 2015-01-14 at 10.49.58 AM

That’s Lacey Chabert from Party of Five, and that’s a movie based on a Christian dating site. How are the reviews, you ask? The answer is, what the hell is wrong with you. I mean, the tagline for this movie is, “She went looking for Mr. Right…and found Him.” What more information could you possibly need before deciding that the one thing you need to accomplish this year is seeing this movie?

I’m buying it and bringing it to my mom’s house to watch with her and my sisters over Spring Break. Also, there might be drinks. And oh my God, I just realized there needs to be a Christian Mingle, The Movie drinking game. I promise I will make that happen. Would it be too much to take a shot every time someone says, “Jesus,” or “I have only one true love, and that’s Jesus” (two shots)? Hm…I’ll work on it.

So what would other dating site movies be like? Let’s take some real, honest-to-God dating sites and figure it out.

1. E-Harmony, The Movie

Would be an hour too long. Reviewers would call it, “overly earnest.”

2. Our Time (for singles over 50),The Movie

Cocoon 3 with more tongue kissing.

3. Farmers Only, The Movie

A mix of The Bridges of Madison County and Slingblade: romantic but grim, with an element of danger.

4. Date Hook Up, The Movie

That’s a porno.

5. Date A Golfer, The Movie

A screwball romantic comedy starring Bill Murray. Michael Jordan appears as your “Bagger Vance” magical negro.

6. Women Behind Bars, The Movie

A modern take on Caged Heat. I’m pretty sure Charlize Theron stars.

7. Positive Singles (for singles with STDs), The Movie

Will genital wart sufferer Fred Armison ever find his perfect match? When Kate Hudson contracts herpes from a one-night-stand, love and other communicable matter is in the air!

8. Vegan Dating Service, The Movie

This insufferable documentary includes lots of uncomfortable scenes in restaurants.

****

That would be so great. Any sites I’m missing that you think are worthy of a movie?

January 19, 2015
by admin
0 comments

Talking Cats Are Funny. Talking Cats Who Have Accents Are Hilarious.

I don’t know many rules of comedy, but I do know this: talking cats are funny, but talking cats with accents are hilarious.

I started thinking about this after watching the new Netflix original series, Puss In Boots, which is all of the good times and none of the bad. I fell in love with this show from the first line, which is Puss whispering, “I am the wind.”

Hell. Yes.

Puss in Boots is one of the greatest characters ever, not only because he says things like, “I like this man. He is…unusual,” but because he says those things with his serious, sensual, Spanish accent.

It got me in the mood for more cats talking like they’re people from other countries. And you know what? The funny holds up. Also, we need more cat videos with a greater variety of accents, so get on that, people.

Here’s what I found:

1. French

Henri the cat. A classic.

2. Russian

Say this in your head with a Russian accent. You can’t not laugh.

german

(From cheezburger.com)

3. English

This shit is real. Somebody get that cat a monocle.

4. German

Shockingly, I couldn’t find any great German cats, but I did find a compilation of photos from German cat breeder websites. Thank you, Vice.

fairy-cakes

jaegerswald

Screen-Shot-2014-07-22-at-15-32-10

For these reasons alone, the internet is totally worth it.

January 7, 2015
by admin
7 Comments

40 Words And Phrases To Describe My First Brazilian Bikini Wax As A 37-Year-Old Mother Of Two

I recently got my first Brazilian wax. For those of you who aren’t familiar with what that is, it’s when a very nice lady who is deaf to your screams take everything off of your lady business. And when I say “everything,” I mean that I’m pretty sure she took some labia with her.

Here are 40 words and phrases that I would use to describe this experience:

  1. Startling
  2. Ripping
  3. Burning
  4. Like slapping your vagina with a glove and challenging it to a duel
  5. Drafty
  6. Not as bad as labor
  7. Actually, I had a c-section and never went into labor so it could actually be worse
  8. Aggressive landscaping
  9. Symptoms may include numbness and tingling
  10. A decided lack of awesomeness
  11. I no longer fear death
  12. Like flying too close to the sun
  13. Beating around the bush
  14. The sensation of red hot lava
  15. Deforestation
  16. The heart of darkness
  17. Detail-oriented
  18. Corrosive
  19. Abrasive
  20. A face only a mother could love
  21. Vulnerable
  22. Melty
  23. Pruning with napalm 
  24. Are we there yet
  25. Lift and spread
  26. A black hole of agony
  27. Follicular murder
  28. The world’s worst breakup
  29. Separates the girls from the women and the women from their pubes
  30. Every rose has its thorn
  31. The marriage of a sadistic janitor and a masochistic neat freak
  32. Acting against nature
  33. Separating the wheat from the chaff
  34. Shuffling off this mortal coil
  35. The screech of an out of tune violin
  36. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
  37. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
  38. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows
  39. Not to wax philosophic, but this hurts like a sonofabitch
  40. The pain and horror associated with the classic TV miniseries, Roots.

…I go back in a month.

December 24, 2014
by admin
2 Comments

This Holiday Season, Let’s Learn 10 Facts About Lemurs

julienIn honor of Netflix’s new original release, All Hail King Julien (premiered December 19th), we are going to learn about Lemurs today.

You are so very welcome.

I learned a lot about lemurs for today’s post. Some of it was disappointing, and some of it exceeded my wildest lemur dreams.

1. They are nocturnal.

Booooooooooooooooo. How can you be adorable and nocturnal? How are you going to prance for my pleasure when I go to bed at 9:30? Phooey, I say.

2. They don’t have claws, they have nails.

A lot of lemur sites make a big deal out of this, which means I should probably know the difference between “claws” and “nails.” I asked Google, and Google says the difference is in the shape and use: claws are sharp, pointy, and used for digging and slicing faces, whereas nails are flat and are used for opening boxes of laundry detergent.

3. Lemurs live most of their lives in trees.

I don’t trust any animal that can jump and/or crap on my head. Get on the ground and face me like a man.

4. They have bad vision and can’t see in color.

Big ol’ eyes, but can’t see shit. That’s sad.

5. Females have dominance over the male lemurs.

obama

(Giphy)

6. Their intimidating face is not so intimidating.

From LemurWorld.com:

Lemurs are known to stare each other down with very wide eyes. The mouth is also wide open with the lips curved over the teeth. This is something they do when they are going to join forces to mob predators as well. It is a type of communication that is similar to warriors preparing for battle.

This type of staring expedition can also be taking place when there will be conflict within the family. It may be one on one or several members against one. It an also be a split group on each side for the family. If the staring continues either some Lemurs will turn away or the fight will become physical in nature.

Sounds like Thanksgiving at my house. Ba-dum-ching! But seriously, this is the face they use when they want to be scary:

lemur mad

(From Pinterest)

That lemur wants a goddamn cupcake.

Unfortunately, “angry lemur” face also looks like “girl, no he did not” face, “I’ve always wanted a puppy” face, and “I think I left my debit card at Target” face. It’s not working for me.

7. They use scent glands on their wrists, genital regions, and necks to identify each other.

Everybody knows where Bob The Smelly Lemur has been sitting.

8. They are impressive eaters.

From LemurWorld.com:

When food is plentiful the Lemurs will consume as much of it as they can. In fact, many species are known to consume so much that they double in weight before the dry season. This allows them to store up enough fat for them to be able to survive on very little food for the upcoming season that lies ahead.

Oh my god, you guys, I would be the best lemur.

9. They get mad when they’re hungry.

Again, LemurWorld.com:

Lemurs are well known to fight among themselves. One of the major causes of conflict has to do with not enough food to go around. When that occurs the females high on the chain of command will consume first as will their offspring. Many of the males are then pushed out of the family or they leave on their own for food.

OH MY GOD, I WOULD BE THE BEST LEMUR.

10. If you’re waiting for a lemur to get in the mood, you’re going to be waiting a long time.

The mating season for lemurs is usually less than three weeks a year. Three weeks a year?! Holy cow. First of all, well done, lady lemurs. Second, you might want to consider couples counseling. I mean, I get that sometimes a gal just wants to read a book, but seriously…

****

Merry Christmas to the Christmas folks and happy holidays to everybody else!

December 13, 2014
by admin
1 Comment

Pope Francis Rules On More Commonly-Held Beliefs

pope_thumbs_upAh, Pope Francis. What a man.  He’s managed to take a non-believer like me and convinced me to say, “You know what? That dude’s alright.” Since becoming Pope, Francis has said that evolution can still be a thing even if you believe in God, that gay people are people too, that divorce is part modern family life, and that he would baptize aliens.

I love this guy.

Just the other day, Pope Francis said that dogs do go to heaven, even though the traditional Catholic belief is that animals don’t have souls. But maybe that’s just cats. Francis is taking on tradition after tradition, and he’s not done yet. Here are a few more long-held beliefs that the Pope has made a ruling on:

  • Sandals with socks is an okay look.
  • You can swim within 30 minutes after eating.
  • Beer before liquor will not make you sicker.
  • Sometimes, when you have two consenting adults, adding a third person into the relationship is good for spicing things up.
  • Not every elder deserves your respect.
  • You may count all of the chickens, hatched or not.
  • Don’t listen to your mother — you don’t have to wear a hat today.
  • The number 13 isn’t an unlucky number. Proof: a baker’s dozen of doughnuts.
  • You can wear white after Labor Day.
  • Monday’s child isn’t always so “fair of face.”
  • It’s not cheating if it happens on your birthday.
  • Breaking a mirror doesn’t mean seven years’ bad luck. It’s more like six and a half.
  • Wishing on a shooting star does make dreams come true — that’s how a certain someone became Pope.

 

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