Hi all! The wonderful, talented Emily from The Waiting is guest blogging here today and I am as happy as a clam. Seriously, I’ve met her in real person time, and she is delightful. And a great writer. She’s all things good and I hope you enjoy her post on Thanksgiving foods that should be banned.
Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Here we find ourselves once again at the season of Thanksgiving. This week, we’ll travel to be with friends and family, count our blessings, watch football, and possibly most importantly, sit down at a table and eat a truly ungodly amount of food.
Let’s talk about that food for a sec. Kaythanx.
I’m risking being called out as the worst American since Benedict Arnold for the declaration I’m about to make, but blog traffic is always down around the holidays, so what they hay: I effing hate Thanksgiving food.
No, really. I hate it. Remember in “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” when Snoopy has to make a Thanksgiving feast for all those little Charles Schultz bobblehead kids and ends up serving jelly beans, toast, popcorn, pretzel sticks, and nothing else? Every year I watch that special and pine for a day when I can openly eat after-school snacks on Thanksgiving and not be made a pariah by all my countrymen.
But today I’d like to take the opportunity so graciously extended by Meredith to talk a little about all that’s wrong with the Thanksgiving meal that is on my horizon. Please hear me out and possibly adjust your own holiday menu. We have all suffered for far too long.
May the waking up of the sheeple commence.
1. Stuffing (AKA Dressing)
Oh hey, guys, I have a great idea: let’s take flipping everything that’s already in our kitchens and mix it all together. No, really, I mean everything. Don’t hold back. Add some stale bread, some seasonings like sage that you don’t even really like because you only use them once a year for this very holiday, some rancid fat drippings that you keep next to a can of Ajax under your sink, and some celery in there because God knows everyone just loves celery. NOMS. Now, go ahead and stuff this concoction into the cavity of a raw poultry carcass. Make sure that you only pay attention to the doneness of the turkey itself so that the stuffing has a nice colony of bacteria inside it once it’s time to give thanks. Nothing says gratefulness like salmonella poisoning.
Serve Instead: Burritos
2. Cranberry Sauce
I never cease to be amazed by the audacity of cranberry sauce. It’s like someone said, “Hmmm, you know, while I’m enjoying this turkey and pumpkin pie immensely, I could really use a side dish that is so tart that my taste buds will commit hari cari upon receipt of tasting it.” Some Thanksgiving cooks realize how painful cranberry sauce is and thus put a ton of sugar in it to make it halfway palatable. This is of course good because Thanksgiving is famously a time when no one eats anything sugary or decadent.
Serve Instead: Pickles
3. Yams and Marshmallows
You will not find pumpkin pie on my list of Thanksgiving foods that need to be banned because there is absolutely nothing wrong with this dish. No, pumpkin pie is about as perfect as it comes. And that’s why sweet potatoes need to step the frick off. Sweet potatoes are basically the obnoxious baby brother of pumpkin pie, always whining that they can be orange and dense and moist tooooooooooo. But instead of saying, “No, yams, you need to let your older sibling Pumpkin Pie do their thing. You’ll get your turn at Christmas,” we are all, “Oh, YES, my precious sweet potatoes! You may certainly have a starring roll on the menu even though you are a far lesser dish.” And then it just goes and ruins our appetites for things that are actually worth eating. Fricken yams.
Serve Instead: an extra pumpkin pie
Nothing is sacred, so let’s talk about all that’s wrong with turkey. So, first of all, if you are the lucky one who is in charge of bringing this holiday dish-gone-wrong to your Thanksgiving feast, you’re going to be up at seven AM getting this thing prepped and in the oven for a six PM meal. Let that sink in for a second: seven AM. This is a holiday, is it not? And aren’t holidays for, um, sleeping in at least a little? Turkeys are basically the toddlers of the holiday meal, making you get up early to tend to their needs.
Then there’s the whole issue of taste. When dining on turkey, you have a choice: would you like dried-out white meat that was actually used as gauze during the Civil War, or greasy dark meat with congealed fat all around it? Actually, don’t worry too much if you’re too full to sample both today. There will be enough leftovers to last you and your entire tri-county region until Easter. Eat up!
I once read that the real pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving didn’t eat turkey at all. They ate what they had a ton of, which was lobster. Lobster. Seriously, this is a no-brainer, y’all. Sign me up for some of that.
Serve Instead: Lobster
What’s going to be on your table this Thanksgiving?