My kids go back to school in less than a week. LESS THAN A WEEK. I am super excited about their return to learning an my return to sanity. I am not excited about back to school clothes shopping. In my house, that’s where you go to the store and try on every piece of clothes before deciding that all of them are “kind of scratchy in that one place.”
I hate it.
Recently, I wrote a piece for Mommyish called, “What Your Kid’s Back To School Outfit says About You.” Here is an addendum based on the fashion trends I talked about in the original post.
What Your Kids Back To School Clothes Mean For The Rest of Your Year
Get yourself some Shout, my friend, because there are a lot of whites and khakis in your future. You are going to live in a world of unapproachable kindergartners.
School Bake Sale: Only organic and gluten-free pastries, thank you. And none of that shit had better be processed in the same state as a nut.
Homework: Oh, there will be homework. This kid is probably going to fucking love doing homework. If they shun it, however, you must resist the urge to do it for them, however. Everybody knows what’s going on when a first-grader shows up with an annotated bibliography for their book report on Black Beauty.
After-School and Weekends: There will be lots of sporting events to attend…most likely lacrosse and field hockey. And you’re going to be expected to participate, whether you bring the oranges or find your way down the spiral of regret known as “volunteer assistant coach.”
Report Card: This could go either way. Your best bet is to tie academic performance to love early on.
The Future: These kids will out-earn you by the time they are twenty-years-old and shove you in a nursing home faster than you can say, “where did I put my keys, again?”
2. Free spirits
School Bake Sale: Expect a thorough investigation into where bake sale funds are going. What is the PTA really doing for us, anyway?
Homework: Yes, I agree that the current school system is inadequate for a large number of students. Now please do your geometry homework.
After-School and Weekends Buttercup isn’t much of a joiner.
Report Card: Congratulations! Corn Husk got a TSH in History! (TSH = Tried Super Hard.)
The Future: Having a child who is a free spirit is best when they’ve left the house. Then they can go ahead and not follow their own damn rules.
3. New Grunge
“Grunge is about not making a statement, which is why it’s crazy for it to become a fashion statement,” so said James Truman, then editor in chief of Details. Right? It’s almost like they’re trying too hard not to look like they’re trying too hard. On a related note, I believe I just had an aneurysm.
School Bake Sale: You are for sure bringing in a couple of Snickers bars from the 7-11 down the block.
Homework: Fuck off, old man.
After-School and Weekends: Don’t even think about trying to pick your kid up from practicing with his band. He’s taking the bus.
Report Card: What they’re going to do in life doesn’t need grades, they say. I’d go ahead and invest in a quality sofa bed now.
The Future: Wherever the wind and the key to Mom and Dad’s basement take me.
4. Urban cool
Black clothes? Check. A variety of hats? Check. Librarian glasses? Check. Hanging out in alleys? Wait…why aren’t these kids in school?
School Bake Sale: Cupcakes with Looney Tune characters on them. It’s so freaking stupid it’s cool.
Homework: Maybe later. They’re meeting Dimebag and Beefy Weed at the arcade. Gonna go play some Donkey Kong or old school Mario Brothers, or something else that no one else does except for everyone.
After-School and Weekends: Where have they been all weekend? I don’t know. Around.
Report Card: I see you’ve written “fuck the police” on your report card. I appreciate you saving me the trouble of actually reading it.
The Future: Making lists of jobs that will let them have a neck tattoo.
5. Mini me
Don’t dress your kids in mini-versions of your clothes. This is not cute. No, look at me: THIS IS NOT CUTE. But if you want to dress like you’re members of the world’s creepiest family band, this is the kind of school year you’ll have:
School Bake Sale: I’m not sure what you’ll be baking, but I can guarantee that they will be identical, down to the last fucking chocolate chip.
Homework: Oh, you’re home-schooling. Please.
After-School and Weekends: There’s going to be a lot of team sports: family bowling league, family softball team. No single player games for you. You won’t even play Monopoly because it just seems so hateful.
Report Card: All your kids get an A, for Awesome! Definitely not for the A in Aggravating. Or Asphyxiate. Or Alcoholic.
The Future: No wire hangers for you, Joan Crawford.
You might have seen ads around the interwebs for a Seattle=based clothing company called Zupers: Everyday Activewear For Girls. Well, the lovely lady at Zupers sent me a pair of pants for my daughter, and let me tell you something…
THEY ARE DELICIOUS.
We got the Zupers Rose leggings with square knee pads.
What you can’t tell from the picture is how these things feel. Let me see if I can describe it: kittens wrapped in pillowcases…wait, scratch that. Too morbid. How about: kittens dancing on clouds of extra plush toilet paper made of satin.
Something like that.
They really are the softest pants my daughter has, and they are leggings that aren’t so skin tight that I have to worry about 6-year-old camel toe. My daughter did remove the knee pads, however. But this is a girl who cuts the tags off all her clothes and is extremely sensitive to fabrics, so I wasn’t too surprised by that.
If you have an active girl who needs some active clothes for school, Zupers are awesome. And if she doesn’t like the, you can use them as a pillow. (They are so soft, y’all!)