February 11, 2015
by admin
1 Comment

I’m on Etsy!

Hey folks!

I got a great response to some “Honest Valentine’s Day Cards For Parents” that I made for Parentmap this week, including some people who wanted to buy them.

Well, now you can!

I’ve created an Etsy shop called The Pile Store. So far, I have exactly one card up there because I am self-taught and super slow. You don’t even want to know what I went through this morning figuring out how to get upside-down text in an Open Office document. You don’t even want to know.

All cards are PDF files you can download instantly and print at home.

I’ll be adding the rest, and maybe some new ones, today and tomorrow. And since I’m new to this, if you notice anything funked up please do let me know.

Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 1.24.11 PM

Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 1.24.26 PM

February 6, 2015
by admin
3 Comments

Bad Taxidermy And Other Things (I am a headline wizard)

maxresdefaultIt was as a fan of The Bloggess that I first got introduced to the art of bad taxidermy. It turns out, there’s really no way of knowing how much you enjoy a photo of a mouse standing on a moped and smoking a cigar until you see one. And that is why I was pretty dang excited to get a copy of Crap Taxidermy by Kat Su through the Blogging for Books program.

There are some glorious images in the book, but unfortunately I am not as into taxidermied animals with weird eyes and grins as I am into taxidermied animals who are all dressed up with nowhere to go. For me, it was the last chapter of the book, “Anthropomorphic,” that was both a treasure and a treat. Call me crazy, but I find a mole mowing the lawn vastly superior to a rabbit with wings sewn into its back. So while most of the book was awesomely bizarre, the last chapter was a thing of dreams.

****

In other news, Friday the 6th was my last day as a staff writer at Mommyish. The other writers there are beyond the best and I became a better writer because of them, but it was time to move on. I’m looking forward to new opportunities, and to getting more time to devote to the blog again.

Speaking of new opportunities, an essay of mine has been selected to be part Jenn Mann’s follow up to her Amazon best-seller, “I Just Want To Pee Alone.” Yup, “I Still Just Want To Pee Alone” will be published sometime over the next few months, and in it will be a piece by me talking about why the post-child me would like the pre-child me to kiss her tender behind. There are many other phenomenal and hilarious writers involved in it, and I will send everyone who buys a copy either a) a puppy, b) a puppy wearing a cowboy outfit, or c) just a dog-sized cowboy outfit for you to use as you see fit.

download

Details to come!

January 28, 2015
by admin
3 Comments

I Talk About Football On The Radio

I was on local Komo Radio today talking about why women love football. I don’t get to do a lot of this stuff, so it was completely terrifying. But fun too!

It’s super short. And I’m not Jeannette, I’m Meredith Bland. FYI. Check it out here:

 

Have a great Super Bowl weekend, and GO HAWKS!

January 22, 2015
by admin
6 Comments

‘Christian Mingle, The Movie’ Exists, And I Have Never Been Happier In All My Life

Sometimes life is amazing. Sure, because of things like children, rainbows, and chocolate chip gelato. But also because every once in a while life taps you on the shoulder and says, “Hey. You’ve been having a rough month, so I got you a little something. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I think you’re really going to like it.” It’s when things like that happen that you get Christian Mingle, The Movie.

Christian Mingle. 

The Movie.

I swear I’ve never been more excited about anything in my whole life.

I learned about this gem while writing an article for Mommyish. I was on a Christian news site (because they have their own news, I guess) when I saw an ad on the right side that I could hardly believe was real.

Screen Shot 2015-01-14 at 10.49.58 AM

That’s Lacey Chabert from Party of Five, and that’s a movie based on a Christian dating site. How are the reviews, you ask? The answer is, what the hell is wrong with you. I mean, the tagline for this movie is, “She went looking for Mr. Right…and found Him.” What more information could you possibly need before deciding that the one thing you need to accomplish this year is seeing this movie?

I’m buying it and bringing it to my mom’s house to watch with her and my sisters over Spring Break. Also, there might be drinks. And oh my God, I just realized there needs to be a Christian Mingle, The Movie drinking game. I promise I will make that happen. Would it be too much to take a shot every time someone says, “Jesus,” or “I have only one true love, and that’s Jesus” (two shots)? Hm…I’ll work on it.

So what would other dating site movies be like? Let’s take some real, honest-to-God dating sites and figure it out.

1. E-Harmony, The Movie

Would be an hour too long. Reviewers would call it, “overly earnest.”

2. Our Time (for singles over 50),The Movie

Cocoon 3 with more tongue kissing.

3. Farmers Only, The Movie

A mix of The Bridges of Madison County and Slingblade: romantic but grim, with an element of danger.

4. Date Hook Up, The Movie

That’s a porno.

5. Date A Golfer, The Movie

A screwball romantic comedy starring Bill Murray. Michael Jordan appears as your “Bagger Vance” magical negro.

6. Women Behind Bars, The Movie

A modern take on Caged Heat. I’m pretty sure Charlize Theron stars.

7. Positive Singles (for singles with STDs), The Movie

Will genital wart sufferer Fred Armison ever find his perfect match? When Kate Hudson contracts herpes from a one-night-stand, love and other communicable matter is in the air!

8. Vegan Dating Service, The Movie

This insufferable documentary includes lots of uncomfortable scenes in restaurants.

****

That would be so great. Any sites I’m missing that you think are worthy of a movie?

January 19, 2015
by admin
0 comments

Talking Cats Are Funny. Talking Cats Who Have Accents Are Hilarious.

I don’t know many rules of comedy, but I do know this: talking cats are funny, but talking cats with accents are hilarious.

I started thinking about this after watching the new Netflix original series, Puss In Boots, which is all of the good times and none of the bad. I fell in love with this show from the first line, which is Puss whispering, “I am the wind.”

Hell. Yes.

Puss in Boots is one of the greatest characters ever, not only because he says things like, “I like this man. He is…unusual,” but because he says those things with his serious, sensual, Spanish accent.

It got me in the mood for more cats talking like they’re people from other countries. And you know what? The funny holds up. Also, we need more cat videos with a greater variety of accents, so get on that, people.

Here’s what I found:

1. French

Henri the cat. A classic.

2. Russian

Say this in your head with a Russian accent. You can’t not laugh.

german

(From cheezburger.com)

3. English

This shit is real. Somebody get that cat a monocle.

4. German

Shockingly, I couldn’t find any great German cats, but I did find a compilation of photos from German cat breeder websites. Thank you, Vice.

fairy-cakes

jaegerswald

Screen-Shot-2014-07-22-at-15-32-10

For these reasons alone, the internet is totally worth it.

%d bloggers like this: