Rejection letters, Revised

| 11 Comments

As a struggling freelance writer — and by that I mean that I write for free and wish for money — I get a lot of rejection letters. They are always very nice and occasionally written by a person, but I get the sense that they aren’t completely honest. So I decided to re-write a few rejection letters to say what they really mean.

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Dear Applicant,

Thank you for contacting us, but we are unable to offer you a position at this time or any time in the future. In fact, even if there was a nuclear holocaust and all qualified applicants on the planet were shriveled up in a radioactive pool of screaming, we would still be unable to offer you a job.

But, you know, best of luck and all that.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

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Image from careerguidetips.com

Image from careerguidetips.com

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for applying to our company. Given the state of your application, we know it must have been quite an endeavor for you. We agree that there were a lot of boxes to fill in, and empathized with you when you wrote “This is hard!” at the bottom of the page. You also came very close to spelling “harassment” correctly, and for that we applaud you.

Unfortunately, this town already has its idiot, so we are unable to consider you for a position at this time. If, however, “Derp Derp Kevin” (to distinguish him from “Tall Kevin”) should have some kind accident (which is not impossible — we had a close call last week involving his necktie and an escalator) then we would be thrilled if you would re-apply.

In the meantime, please know that your resume has provided some much needed comic relief to our office, and will no doubt grace the door of the company refrigerator for some time to come.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

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Image from comerecommended.com

Image from comerecommended.com

Dear Interviewee,

We interviewed a number of candidates for the position you were interested in, and we have determined that another candidate is the most qualified for the requirements of our opening. They did not, for example, fart loudly during their interview and then blame it on the interviewers. They were also easily able to tell us the name of our company, which we like to consider a baseline level of knowledge for candidates.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule (which I can only imagine is overloaded with collecting cans and writing angry letters to Pizza Hut) to come to our company to meet our interview team. The team appreciated your spirited discussions, though this might be a good time to remind you that a job interview is not the best place to discuss your theory on “what really happened on 9/11.”

We wish you success with your job search and in the future. Thank you for your interest in our organization.

Human Resources

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Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your submission of artwork to our “Color Your School” competition. We had over 3 artists submit drawings to be considered for the new mural on the elementary school wall. It was an overwhelming response, and the selection process was very competitive as a result.

We regret to inform you that your designs were not chosen for inclusion in this project. Though we appreciated your obvious skill, racism is never acceptable in our public school system.

All the best,

Art Committee

 

 

Author: Meredith Bland

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

11 Comments

  1. “…by that I mean that I write for free and wish for money”

    LOL. So true.
    Ashley Austrew recently posted..A work in progressMy Profile

  2. “shriveled up in a radioactive pool of screaming” – is why I have coffee up my nose now. Good one.
    When I Blink recently posted..Fashion Is Taking Women DownMy Profile

  3. “Derp Derp Kevin,” that is gonna crack me up all day!! Thank you!!

    -Mary
    Mary Swan-Bell recently posted..Sidetrack Sally, Suffering and SacrificingMy Profile

  4. So, THAT’S what they really mean. I think I’m depressed now. :) Or I will be after I finish laughing at your interpretation. Great job! LOL
    Terrye recently posted..The Parthenon in Nashville, TennesseeMy Profile

  5. Meredith, you’re awesome!

  6. How about some positive re-framing??
    For instance:

    Dear Interviewee,

    We regret to inform you that, though you were our top choice, we have been advised by our lawyer to go with another applicant. Your incandescent halo of awesomeness is simply too bright. We cannot overlook the liability concerns related to the potential blindness of our other employees and changing the employee handbook to make sunglasses mandatory was deemed to be incompatible with our existent business casual requirements.

    If you even develop a flaw that dims your beacon of accomplishment, please consider reapplying.

    Human Resources
    Specifically Dave (my home number is 762-3358)
    Call Me Jo recently posted..First World Problems Follow UpMy Profile

  7. So funny! I just got rejected for a job yesterday so your timing was perfect for me to release some self pity steam.

  8. Oh, lordy. Let me just start by saying I do not LOL at stuff on these interwebs. It just don’t happen, y’all. And then I came here. Meredith, you complete me. *sigh*

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