**UPDATE** So much Minivan hatred, I am almost offended. Almost.

| 7 Comments

I got my car detailed last week for the first time since we bought it in 2007. Why not just clean the car yourself, you and my husband ask? Because I don’t have that kind of time, motherfuckers. This car needed the kind of cleaning that crime scene clean-up crews provide. Me out there with some Windex and a Shopvac ain’t gonna do SHIT.

I didn’t tell my husband until I’d already booked it. Because fights about money are what drive a lot of marriages apart, so it’s important to avoid them.

We have a Toyota Highlander. It’s an SUV looking thing, but not a minivan. We bought it right before the twins were born, and since then it has seen some ugly things. It was my children’s favorite place to puke for a long time. Cleaning vomit out of car seat crevices, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

When I went to the Toyota dealership to drop off the car I said to the guy, “I want to apologize now for the state of my car. It has never been deep cleaned. I have no idea what you are going to find in there.”

He said, “No no, don’t worry. You know what the WORST ones are?”

I leaned in and said, “What?!” I was — and this is the honest to god truth — expecting him to say that sometimes they clean cars that people have been living in, or that one time they found a body in the trunk.

Instead, he looked at me and said, “MINIVANS.”

Uh oh. “Dude,” I said, “I have 4-year-old twins. My car is a minivan in a Highlander body.” He looked pretty bummed out after that.

I then skipped over to the car rental place across the street and told them I needed to rent a car overnight because my car was getting turbo-cleaned. “Do you have a reservation?” the guy behind the counter said. Huh? I’m sorry, is a 5-Star Enterprise? No, I don’t have a reservation. He sighed, and then, clearly bracing himself for an argument, said, “Well, I’m afraid all we have is a Minivan.”

Really, now, people? Look at me. Do I look like a girl on the go, off to get a cute outfit at the mall before I go pick up my friends and try to meet some hot guys? NO. NO, I DO NOT. I look like a tried, worn out Mom. What about me says that a minivan would be anything other than EXPECTED?

A re-enactment of the look I gave him.

I assured him that I would be downright THRILLED to have a minivan, and hopped into my silver Chrysler Town and Country as happy as a clam. Until I tried to start the car, and could not figure out how to do it. This is the key they gave me:

I looked at this key for a long time, you guys, before I realized that maybe there hadn’t been a mistake and this WAS actually the key. Because, you see, I was looking for A KEY. Because I am OLD. One of my Twitter buddies @8bitdads suggested that this scenario was exactly what the Panic button is for.

Strangely enough, you put the Panic button INTO THE CAR to start it. Someone at Chrysler really should have thought this through when they designed the key.

“Ok, so if you want to start the car you just put that part that says ‘Panic’ into the ignition.” Because panic starts the car.

It’s kinda fantastic.

And my Highlander, by the way, looks MAGNIFICENT. It makes me a little depressed to think of what it is going to look like in another month. No doubt, we will soon have the “inaugural vomit” — it’s the Bland version of breaking a bottle over the bow.

*********************************************************************************************************************************

WEEKLY WRAP UP!

Imperfect parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Imperfect Parent, an angel gets its wings? and I make about 1/8th of penny? But, you know, do it for the angels. Disclaimer — there are some disturbing stories on this site. You might not want to be sober.

Reckless Video — Read my review of The Avengers!

Klat.com: Read my article, Apes love Jerry Lewis

Funny Not Slutty: You can read my first two Héléne Bouffant (disgraced fashion stylist) columns here: Back to school fashionFall fashion trends

Blogger Idol: For our first assignment, we were asked to introduce ourselves to readers by describing a family tradition. I, of course, talked about food and bestiality. Voting — as I may have mentioned this week — happened Wednesday and Thursday. At noon (CST) today they will announce the two people who are getting cut. I will post an update when I get word of my fate.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for taking the time to vote, retweet, share on Facebook, and anything and everything you did to support me!! And just think, if I don’t get cut today, we get to do it AGAIN next week!! HURRAY! :)

***RESULTS ARE IN:*** 

writersarethenewrockstars.blogspot.com

WE DID IT!

On to week 2! We get our assignment tomorrow!! WHEE!!!

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

7 Comments

  1. Owning a minivan is a little like being gay. Not in the sense of “you have a minivan? that is so gay!” but in the sense that you start off saying things like, “I’m still totally into cars and stuff, I’m just ‘mini-van *curious*'” And then you get caught by your spouse looking at minivans on the internet late at night. And then you finally take the plunge, announce to all of your friends and families, “It’s time you knew. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. My whole life, really, and I want you to know, and I hope you’ll support me… I”m buying a minivan.” And for the most part you get lots of loving support, and a couple of people giggle and say “I always knew you’d go this way!” And then you get into the lifestyle and have tons of minivan pride, and you would go to festivals if you could. But every now and then you still run into small minded, insensitive motherfuckers who are probably secretly lusting after your rockin’ minivan and you know what? Haters gonna hate. Minivan Pride!!

  2. HOLY SHIT. This may be my favorite comment of all time. I have tears in my eyes from all the enjoyment.
    admin recently posted..So much Minivan hatred, I am almost offended. Almost.My Profile

  3. This was such a funny post. I could relate! The minivan gets a bad rap. I wish I had one!
    Lily from It’s A Dome Life recently posted..Gratitude Friday: 10 Things That Made Me Grateful This WeekMy Profile

  4. Ha. I love it’s important to avoid fights about money! made me laugh.
    and just for all the mini-vaner’s out there. that are the hottest suburban ride on 4 wheels, baby!

  5. Seriously I was laughing out loud as I read this post as I am a mini-van owner myself and I in fact love the mini-van.. but with 4 small children 6 and under it comes in handy :)
    Samantha recently posted..Alien Mystery.. Or spiders.. Or BothMy Profile

  6. My truck got cashed in for a minivan when the twins were a week old… I miss my truck. I don’t miss her gas mileage or that I needed steps to get in it, which was more than difficult while hefting in two small people… Plus, no where for the groceries or stroller or pack-n-play or… Amazingly, as THEY get bigger they need less space, I guess cause when you stick two five year olds in a pack-n-play they just look at you like you’re an asshole… Anyway, now I have a Jetta. Long live your almost 50mpg… (I still sometimes miss the minivan…sigh…)

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.


CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: