Who The Hell Are You, one person asked. So I answered.

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A question I agonized over in my teens and twenties, and then got to 35 and answered: "This."

A question I agonized over in my teens and twenties, and then got to 35 and answered: “This.”

First of all, exciting news! I am a FINALIST in Babble.com’s Best of Blogs competition! On May 14th, I find out if my post (Alternative Infertility) will be picked to be in an upcoming e-book published by Babble and Hyperion Books on “getting pregnant.” I’ll keep you posted!

Second, my dear friend Martinis and Minivans asked me to participate in the “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” question series that is going around the blogosphere. I love this kind of shit. Cosmo quizzes were my JAM.

So here we go:

1. Where were you born?

My twin sister and I were born at New York Hospital in New York City. My dad missed it. He was in a meeting, possibly with a VIC (Very Important Cigarette.)

2. Were you named after someone?

Let’s ask my mom. Mom, why did you name me Meredith?

“Because I wanted to name you Natalie and your father didn’t like Natalie.”

Excellent.

3. How many children do you have?

I have 5-year-old twins, a boy and girl. When strangers hear this they usually say, “Lucky! You’re all done!” To which I say, “You bet your sweet ass I am! Let’s go buy me a drink!”

4. How many pets do you have?

I have two cats, Kinky and Diva, that I got before I met my husband. One is friendly, one is cranky, both are obese. And in November we got our dog, Chewie, who bit me on the nose. I love them all.

5. Your worst injury?

I can’t say I’ve had any really bad injuries (the plus side of being a coward.) I’ve been pretty lucky – no broken bones or anything. I have been accidentally knocked unconscious five or six times, though. WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT.

6. Do you have a special talent?

Absolutely none. Really. I sat and thought about this for a long time. I got nothing.

7. Favorite thing to bake?

I am not so much a baker as I am an eater of baked things.

8. Favorite fast food?

If drive-thru coffee counts, then I’m going with that. Otherwise, a McDonald’s cheeseburger has a special place in my heart. A clogged, greasy, and delicious place.

9. Would you bungee jump?

Oh my god, probably. My intense fear of heights is second only to my more intense fear of death, but if I had the opportunity to do it I don’t know that I would let myself chicken out. That said, I think the possibility that I will ever end up in a situation where bungee jumping is presented as an option is slim to none (see #5 re: me being a coward.) So…yeah, sure! Why not.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Probably their hair. Is it in a ponytail? Is it styled? Does it look like they spent more than five to ten seconds on it this morning? This tells me a lot about how to start a conversation with someone. The amount of sarcasm and swear words is directly proportional to the amount of time spent on hair.

11. When was the last time you cried?

This weekend, at my sister’s wedding. I wanted to curl up in a corner, rocking and holding my knees while sobbing about how beautiful she looked.

I am not good with emotions.

12. Any current worries?

Everything. All of it. Why? What have you heard?!

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.

Water. Diet coke. Coffee.

14. What’s your favorite book?

I don’t have one, but here are some of the ones I lurve: The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson. Crow Lake by Mary Lawson. The Tiger’s Wife by Tea Obreht. Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. The Liar’s Club by Mary Karr. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson. Anything by Bill Bryson or David Sedaris. Good gravy, there are so many good books.

15. Would you like to be a pirate?

Fuck, no. I enjoy toilets and not vomiting. Also, I could probably put up a good front for the first few pillages, but after a while I would just start to feel bad.

16. Favorite smells?

Lemon. Lilac. There is a lilac tree next to my driveway and when it blooms I stick my face right in a blossom whenever I am getting into or out of my car.

17. Why do you blog?

I have so many things in my head. This is the only way to free them.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?

As my casket is carried in, I would like The Emperor’s Theme from Star Wars to be played. And then when everyone is leaving, I want them to hear “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” by Wham.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

My eating disorder. It’s an enormous pain in the ass.

20. Favorite hobby?

Does sleeping count as a hobby? No? Then napping. Still no? How about reading.

21. Name something you’ve done that you never thought you’d do.

Work in a strip club (just as a waitress, y’all, just a waitress.) It was the summer before graduate school, and I needed a job. I made tons of money and saw lots of weird shit.

22. What do you look for in a friend?

Someone who is genuine, who doesn’t take themselves too seriously, who is kind, and who is loyal.

23. Favorite fun things to do?

Hanging out with my husband.

24. Pet peeves?

Mean people. Those fuckers need to calm the hell down.

25. What’s the last thing that made you laugh?

Probably something my husband or one of my kids said. I am pretty lucky in that I am guaranteed to belly laugh every single day. It’s a pretty good life.

Author: Meredith Bland

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

8 Comments

  1. I love your hair test. I always said I would never date a man that spent more time on his hair than I did. A tough criteria these days. When your five year old is constantly pulling out your ponytail telling you that your unwashed hair is so “pretty” down, that is a good sign I could use some more grooming.

  2. Totally yes. My husband shaves his down to the stub like a Marine. :)
    admin recently posted..Who The Hell Are You, one person asked. So I answered.My Profile

  3. Oh Meridith
    You so score every time you post a piece.
    I love them. Makes me love you too – more each read.

  4. I love the funeral soundtrack. I so wanna steal that idea. But I think I might be cremated, so maybe the the Doors. And woo too! Congrats on being in the running for the babble best of blog posts! I’m going over to vote now.
    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..Mod Mom Turns One: It’s Blogaversary Day in IndieDom!My Profile

  5. Meredith – I am one of the bloggers featured in the Babble e-book and I love your post Alternative Infertility. I laughed so hard at the fearless uterus and vagina steam-cleaning I scared my cats. Kudos to you for writing a hilarious post about something that I am sure was far from funny. As far as alternative medicine goes, I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum in both of my pregnancies and tried it all as well, from acupuncture to eating pounds of beans to getting my neck scraped and bled…with similar results to yours – nothing helped but drugs. Glad to discover your blog!
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    • Thank you so so much! I just finished reading yours, and I loved it. I was nodding my head the whole way through. PREACH!

      Now, about this neck scraping business…?

      Mer

  6. Meredith, please share your stories that you gained in #21. I am positive it will make me pee with laughter.

    After laughing so much and loudly while reading your blog and disrupting my husband’s viewing pleasure of Star Trek Voyager, he went upstairs to play computer. Now imagine what I would be like reading your hilarious strip club waitressing stories?

    Seriously, as the parents of a two and a half year old, our exciting evenings include Netflix of old sci-fi shows for my husband and iPad for me. Woot woot!

    • Hmmmm…that is not a bad idea. I will add it to the working list!

      And we have exactly the same kind of evenings. I am way excited for tonight because So You Think You Can Dance is on.

      *sigh*
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