There’s a reason I’m not in customer service

| 17 Comments

So, in case you haven’t heard, Washington state recently started selling hard liquor in grocery stores. At first, the people rejoiced. Then they realized it was going to cost them more money, and they were saddened.

I don’t much care either way, since I don’t like the taste of alcohol and only drink when I am planning on getting good and drunk. It’s called “binge drinking”, kids.

The other day Mike was at the grocery store, and came across a guy in the liquor section being a total turd to the employees there. Apparently he was giving them the old huff n’ puff because every time he came to the store, they were out of his favorite kind of vodka. Mike said it was some fancy brand, like “Grey Goose”, or “Bacon Vodka” (this is real…..I believe  it is pronounced, “Bay-CONE”).

Anyway, this guy was being an ass. I told Mike that it was because of people like that guy that I could not last in customer service jobs. I hate me an asshole and have a hard time kissing said assholes on their stretched-to-capacity asshole containers. I was a barista for a few years, and lets just say it provided me with a rich and violent fantasy life. If the dude who got angry and splashed a cup of milk on me is out there, I have a message for you:

SOON.

Getting back to our liquor store schmuck. Mike came up with what would have been the best way to deal with the Vodka Baron, which I shall re-create for you here.

**********

Vodka Baron: “Where is my vodka?! Every time I come here you are out of my favorite vodka! I’m angry and didn’t get enough hugs as a child!” (note: artistic license) 

Employee #1: “I am so sorry, sir. Let me go in the back and get that one bottle we set aside just for you.”

Employee #1 goes to the back. Stays there for at least 20 minutes. Comes back out with a new name tag.

Employee #2: “Hello, sir! How can I help you today?”

Vodka Baron: “You said about half an hour ago that you were going to go get me a bottle of my vodka!”

Employee #2: “I’m sorry, sir? Oh, you must mean Steve! Steve is kind of an idiot. Never listen to Steve.”

Vodka Baron: “What the — YOU’RE STEVE!!”

Employee #2: “No sir, my name is Kevin. What can I do for you?”

Vodka Baron: “I want to speak to a manager. IMMEDIATELY.”

Employee #2: “Yes, sir. Let me go get him for you.”

Employee #1/2 goes to the back. Changes into a polo shirt and khakis. Puts on a new name tag.

Manager: “Hello sir, I’m the manager. How can I help you?”

Vodka Baron: “……..You are fucking crazy. I’m leaving. You’ll hear from my lawyer.”

Manager: “Oh, would you like to speak to our lawyer? Rick’s in the back if you want me to get him.”

Vodka Baron: “Fuck you.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

17 Comments

  1. Awesome. Love how you bring it!

  2. That is perfect. I would be awful in customer service for the same reason. I would spend all my time fantasizing about hurting/f*cking with the idiots who are expecting ‘service’.

  3. Love it! I worked in customer service for years and I still have flashbacks.

  4. I also worked in customer service – waitress, hostess, sandwich slinger, bartender. The assholes came and went, but weren’t around me 40 hours a week. It was manageable.

    Now I work in an office with the same dipshits Every. Single. Day.

  5. “I was a barista for a few years, and lets just say it provided me with a rich and violent fantasy life.” HAHAHA, that cracked me up! This post was absolutely hilarious. I was a waitress at Applebee’s in college. So wish I had thought of that name tag thing. Would have made my life a hell of a lot easier.

  6. I also worked as a barista in college. Some favorites:

    “I will have a cappuccino, no foam…”
    “That’s called a latte. No problem!”
    “NO!” *panicked look on face of asshole* “NOT a latte. A cappuccino. No foam.”

    “I would like to return this muffin” *extends crumpled bag*
    “Eh… we didn’t even make these muffins today…”
    “Oh, no. I bought this last week and haven’t had time to return it. Its too sweet.”
    [I ACTUALLY SAID THE FOLLOWING - NO words have been changed]
    “I am so sorry ma’am. We have a 2 hour return policy on all bakery items.”

    And my very favorite, because it doesn’t even begin to make sense:
    “I will have a half-decaf……” “a half-caff….”
    Stupid. Bitch. Which one? Caffeine or not? Because “a little caffeine” is like “a smidge pregnant.”

    • OH YES! The cappuccino with no foam people!! Or how about the people who want their drinks at 180 degrees. Really? You have a preferred temperature? Fucker.
      The muffin story is also kind of fabulous.

      • One of our regular customers was a priest from the church across the street from the coffee shop. Every day he would take a single from the tip jar, then make a scene “tipping” us with it as if it were his own. I am not kidding. He actually stole a dollar and passed it off like he was leaving a tip. A PRIEST! That should have been my favorite one. Sorry. No more hijacking your comments with coffee gossip – but I had to share that.

  7. I totally think that there needs to be a site where anyone can document all “awesome” customers. To be fair, I have done the half caff because I wanted a little caffeine but not too much as I was pregnant and wanted to drink the medium size not small. My experience in direct customer service included a Blockbuster and an ice cream store. Oh, and my parent’s laundromat which is the lost level of hell. I shudder just thinking of it!

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