Five things I can’t do now that my kids can read

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I love to read. Whenever I am asked what my hobbies are, I always say two things: sleeping, and reading. My love for books came from my mother who, as far back as I can remember, has always been surrounded by stacks and stacks of books. I knew that when I had kids I was going to try to pass this love on to them. Well, now my kids can read, and I have discovered that there are unexpected consequences.

Here are the five things I can’t do now that my kids can read:

1. Read smut

"Cara's whinny sent a shudder through my loins." (image via bookcellarx.com)

“Cara’s whinny sent a shudder through his loins.” (image via bookcellarx.com)

Remember when “Fifty Shades of Grey” came out, and all the moms were talking about it, and Meredith said, “Don’t leave me out, hosers,” and bought the book on her Kindle, and then read about anal plugs while sitting at the playground with her kids? Those days are over. All it would take is a child trying to sound out the word “penetrate” to make me lose my parenting license for good.

Also off the table? My gossip sites. Now, I am not proud of this, but from time to time (and by that I mean multiple times a day) I will click over to People.com or whatnot and read all the celebrity gossip. I don’t do it around the kids anymore, since the time one of them came over and said, “Mommy, who are all these people?” Trying to figure out a way around telling my child that this was a celebrity and I was reading about them because there was a chance they might be pregnant, brought me to the very bottom of my shame spiral. So bye-bye, People Magazine. I’ll see you during school hours.

2. Lie about signs

"Nope, those are the samples. They don't sell the samples." (image via facebook.com)

“Nope, those are the samples. They don’t sell the samples.” (image via facebook.com)

You know when you go to the store and pass by the toy section, and your child sees a toy that they desperately want to have?  They start begging, and you say no, and they keep begging, and then you say, “Oh no, look! See that sign? That sign says they’re all sold out. Sorry, honey.”

No more.

 

3. Skip pages in books that are too long

Alternative title, "Dr. Seuss's Prayers for Euthanasia." (image via goodreads.com)

Alternative title, “Dr. Seuss’s Prayers for Euthanasia.” (image via goodreads.com)

I’m looking at you, Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book. There are some books that my husband and I used to skip the whole middle sections of (“Once upon a time, Ariel wanted to be human. Then she married Prince Eric. The end. Wow, lots of twists and turns in that one. Okay, time for bed!”)

Now books get vetoed before they even make it off the shelf. There’s a lot of “Nope! Not that one!” going on at bedtime in my house.

 

 

4. Bend the law

Not even for 5 minutes, you goddamn criminal.(image via uptownflavor.com)

No, not even for 5 minutes you goddamn criminal. (image via uptownflavor.com)

Me: “Okay, buddy. Let’s hop out of the car and get your sister.”

Son: “No…puh…puh…parking. Mommy, that sign says ‘No Parking’.”

Me: “…Yes, it does. Great reading, honey. But it says no parking between 8 and 4, and right now it’s — oh. 3:45.”

Son: “Mommy, we can’t park here. It’s against the law.”

Me: “You are absolutely right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Let’s find another parking spot. Hey by the way, are you wearing good walking shoes? Do you have your bus pass? Terrific.”

5. Get through bedtime in a reasonable amount of time

Oh christ. (image via bookriot.com)

Oh christ. (image via bookriot.com)

Sometimes, my kids want to get out their early readers and read their bedtime story to me. This is awesome. It’s adorable. I encourage it. But while they work their way through each and every word, a little piece of me begs for it’s life while being slowly smothered.

Me: “Bedtime! We have time for two books!”

Daughter: “Mommy, can I read you Strawberry Shortcake’s School Friends?”

Me: “Absolutely! We have time for three pages.”

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

8 Comments

  1. HILARIOUS! I so needed a laugh today :) and oh so true on all counts! Rock on sistuh!

  2. Yeah, kids suck with their reading.

    We were going to surprise the kids one day while we were in Florida by taking them to Sea World. The plan was to just drive there and they’d be surprised when they saw the Shamu sign or whatever it is they have.

    Instead, from the very back of the piece of shit minivan before we’ve left the condo driveway my daughter says “Yay, we’re going to Sea World!?”

    I’m all “Why do you think that?” and she says, “I just saw you type it into the GPS.”

    DAMMIT! Lol.
    don recently posted..Yay, quick rants…a really dumb post where i mostly bitch.My Profile

  3. You just gave me many good ideas about things I can take advantage of since my child can’t read. I don’t know why it never occurred to me to skip pages in Curious George. I am not very opportunistic.
    The Waiting recently posted..RTT: Halloween Is For Showing OffMy Profile

  4. That last one happens at my house all.the.time.

    I also had to find a hiding place for computer passwords. And it sucks when I can’t remember where I put them. There’s something to be said for illiterate children.
    Kelly recently posted..Remember the Time…A Stranger Called? (Halloween Edition)My Profile

  5. Oh. Yes I remember those days. Mine read quite well at a very early age. I don’t recall the book I had in the car, it may have been a Stephen King (richard bachman) The Regulators…. It was a big book, and my daughter proceeded to pick it up and read it aloud to me. Would have been perfect if she were more proficent at reading but when the words come at 3 second intervals and you have to help figure out the word by the way it is being sounded out it is kinda hard to keep the story flowing in your mind!

    Today that girl LOVES to read! The boy, notsomuch. I thought if I could just find a book that captured his attention he would find the love too. I tried and tried. He was a good reader, but alas! Books were no competition for Gameboy in his eyes. Perhaps that is my fault, I let him play pokemon endlessly when he was 5. I figured there was reading involved and with out reading he wouldn’t know what to do. He is a junior at DePaul University (so apparently he is ok) studying…..wait for it… GAME DESIGN! who’da guessed?

  6. This post was so great it brought back many memories of my own parenting skills. Especially the skipping whole parts of books sometimes you’re so tired the thought of reading aloud Dr.Seuss’ endless rhymes, made me want to rip up the book or at the very least hide it in a deep dark place, never to be found. Always felt guilty about it but still did it, now I know it’s what saved my sanity. My kids are 12 and 16 and thankfully read on their own and go to bed without my help…I survived! Hurray!!!

  7. This is too funny! I remember the first time I tried to skip a page, or even some of the words on a particularly long bedtime story only to be told by my tiny boy that “That’s not what it says Mama!” Darn those readers!!! It is wonderful to watch them learn to read though, and my kids (now adults) are avid readers. I guess it’s worth a few extra long bedtimes after all :)
    Aimee recently posted..Halloween Ghosts…My Profile

  8. I remember the initial excitement when my son learned to read. So proud. But then I realized the real impact of that new milestone and I was not happy.

    When the Girl was starting to sound things out I tried to distract her. But her desire to read was stronger than any kind of parental shenanigans I directed her way.

    Sigh.
    Real Life Parenting recently posted..Giving Back … Blogger Idol Week 5My Profile

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