My kids have a second-rate Tooth Fairy.


Get it together, Sparkles.

It’s time to get it together, Sparkles.

My son lost his second tooth the other night. This was a big deal for him, since his money-hungry sister yanked six teeth out of her mouth in a matter of months. When the boy’s first tooth fell out, we celebrated. The Tooth Fairy came to him for the very first time, and there was much rejoicing in the land.

Then he lost his second one, and there was slightly more restrained rejoicing, and the Tooth Fairy totally almost blew it.

This isn’t the first time that this mediocre Tooth Fairy (who is clearly not devoted to her craft) has screwed it up. She completely forgot to come once for my daughter, who woke up one morning crying because the Tooth Fairy apparently couldn’t be bothered to show up for her. Shamed, the Tooth Fairy returned the second night with the girl’s money, and a note. In the note she apologized for missing the night before, but explained that she had had an awful cold that night and had to stay in bed.

Honestly, people. If you can’t rely on the Tooth Fairy to show up, who can you count on? Maybe next year Santa will leave an awkward message on Christmas Eve saying he’s super sorry be he won’t be there that night because he has a “thing.”

So when my son woke up at 4am the other night (because my children like to keep my husband and I alert, aware, and constantly ready for action, not unlike the Navy Seals in boot camp) and began weeping because his tooth was still there, my daughter suggested that perhaps the Tooth Fairy had caught another cold.

I — I mean…the Tooth Fairy — am the worst.

Feeling appropriately guilty, Tooth Fairy Von Sucky Horrible stayed up until 5:15, when she was sure both kids had gone back to sleep, and then crept into the boy’s room and replaced his tooth with money. With a sigh of relief, she began creeping back out when the girl woke up and started trying to have a conversation with the Tooth Fairy from her bedroom next door. The Tooth Fairy panicked and may have urgently shushed the girl in the name of magic. But it worked out, and the boy was thrilled and relieved to see that the Tooth Fairy — at the crack of dawn — had managed to get her shit together for him.

I’ve accepted that this is totally going to be a topic in therapy. They’re going to talk about how the Tooth Fairy sometimes wouldn’t come on time and made them feel like their teeth weren’t special which when looked at from a Freudian point of view means that there was a lack of importance placed on the loss of their youth which led to them never knowing what love really is and possibly a heroin addiction.

How many teeth do kids lose, again?


Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (


  1. Hey, I, rather, The Easter Bunny, forgot Easter. Not kidding. Although the bunny and I did much early purchasing and already had good-intentioned toys in place of too many sugary treats. When the glorious morn arrived the bunny was out. Course my kids like seeing the sun rise too so they bought the idea that the bunny was in hiding. You know, like a vampire.
    I’m Buddhist so I often forget these things every now and then. So with peaceful compassion from the deep waters of Lake Getyoshittogetha the Easter Bunny managed to create Easter baskets and hide them in the kitchen no less, while my kids watched Angelina Ballerina.

    Then my 5yo asked, Mom are you the Easter Bunny?

    I’m waiting for the day when she says, ‘Mom, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.’

  2. Don’t worry, our Tooth Fairy is also a forgetful, busy wench. She has missed our house more times than I can count and had to go out of her way to come back again. My daughter had something from her Easter basket the other night and I nonchalantly asked where she got it, and she smiled ever so sweetly and said, “From you, Mom.” Gotta love ’em! At least my son pretended to believe for much longer.

  3. When I was little, I once wrote a long letter to the tooth fairy requesting that I get the money but also keep my tooth because teeth are just really cool okay? A piece of my face fell off and I wanted to keep it. But I didn’t mention my plan to my mom, because I felt guilty about asking for cake and eating it, too, so to speak. I figured I’d keep this between the fairy and myself.

    Sure enough, the tooth fairy rebuffed my polite letter, ignoring me completely. I felt awash with guilt for my greed. I came clean and confessed my selfishness to my mom, and sure enough the fairy did come that night. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that her missed night was the fairy equivalent of a judgementally-raised eyebrow.

  4. What a fantastic comment. I enjoyed this greatly.

    The Tooth Fairy probably has to balance the register at the end of the night. “I’m sorry, you gave out how much money? Um, Fairy, I believe you are a tooth short tonight. That’s coming out of your paycheck.”
    admin recently posted..My kids have a second-rate Tooth Fairy.My Profile

  5. Our toothfairy is also very forgetful… so in my genius (because I can’t remember to be a toothfairy), I told my kids the toothfairy is a man (they even made a movie!), and Dads never remember things like Mum’s do. Thankfully my husband plays along too!!

  6. Rhade just lost his 3rd tooth last week. Theron immediately grabbed the box on my dresser where the “tooth fairy” had been keeping the other 2 (which I didn’t realize they knew about), so his brother could add tooth number 3 to it. I asked Rhade if he didn’t want to put it under his pillow so that the Tooth Fairy could collect it, and he gave me a look and said “I know YOU’RE the tooth fairy mom.” Well, ok then, a little more childhood magic lost. He also told us that he knows that the grown-ups put out the eggs, and that the Easter Bunny is just pretend.

  7. Arg! I did the same thing! Our Tooth Fairy couldn’t come due to the terrible snow storm that we had endured that night (Minnesota…it happens).

    The next night I-er, I mean the Tooth Fairy, went into my son’s room and there was a note for her saying no matter what, he would continue to believe in her, and that he forgave her.

    *pit in stomach aching at this point*

    Kids and their beliefs…they are so cute.

  8. My kid’s tooth was taken away by bad pigs and now he is out like angry bird 🙂 Tooth fairy forgot every thing so made up the story.
    Amber W recently posted..Why Should A Baby Sleep in His / Her Own Room?My Profile

  9. Hi. I love you. You already knew that.

    My Tooth Fairy sucks, too. She once “put the money in the wrong place,” but luckily we found it and set things right.

    By the way, I am doing a funny Mother’s Day series and I could use your hilariousness. Would you be interested in guest-posting again? Alternative Fertility was a smash hit. Off Duty Mom readers fucking love you.

  10. Hilarious post! Our Tooth Fairy is almost always not on time too. I just tell my children that there might have been too many tooth to be picked up, and then immediately after they fall fast asleep the next day, I replace their tooth with money. I think (i hope, that at least there’s a lesson to it still) it taught my children to be patient.
    Grace Powell recently posted..5 Most Asked Questions Regarding Newborn HiccupsMy Profile

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