Treatment update from week 3

| 10 Comments

Hi folks,

I wanted to give an update on how treatment is going for my binge eating disorder. Why? Because this is a humor blog, and therefore I like to be depressing as fuck. IT’S WHAT I DO.

Anyway — um….treatment is fucking hard.

Seriously — I’ve been relying on food to get through my life for about 20 years now. I don’t mean in the normal “need food in order to live” way, I mean in the abnormal “need food so that I won’t feel any bad feelings oh god all of the feelings THE FEELINGS!” way. Trying to stop doing that is not easy. It’s like if I told you it was in your best interest to live your life with one hand behind your back. I wouldn’t cut your arm off or tie it back or anything, you were just asked to hold it back there, not use it, and go about your daily business. How hard would it be not to just say, “Aw, fuck this. This is too hard” and use the damn arm? How hard would it be not to just sneak that arm out from time to time to get through the hardest tasks?

That’s how this feels…but with chips.

I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. I am either all in, or not at all. I am either perfect, or a failure. So, three weeks into treatment, the fact that I have not been able to be a perfect patient makes me feel fucking terrible. I really feel like: I am in treatment, I have been given some tools, I should be using them and following through 100%. And I’m not. And that sucks.

I think I was under the false impression that once I was “in a program,” and got professional help that some switch would be flipped and I would be able to fix this. Instead, I am learning just how entrenched this behavior is in my life. I am learning how incredibly difficult it is to change a behavior that should be very easy for me to control. How hard is to just NOT eat something?! Very, as it turns out.

Because it isn’t about the food, it’s about these feelings that I can’t deal with.

Before my first day of treatment, I had not cried for a long time. I had gotten teary-eyed, but I had not “boo-hoo” sobbed in ages. Now I cry every Monday when I go to therapy — this past Monday I was crying so hard that I couldn’t talk for the first 10 minutes of my individual therapy session. Then I got to group thereapy and guess what I did when it was my turn to talk? “Cry,” you say? Give that man a cigar.

I had no idea I had all these tears in me, and I am still not sure where they are coming from. But apparently instead of crying them all these years, I’ve been eating instead.

(Side Note: Idea for a country song — “Eating my Tears”)

I was reminded over and over again that this is only the beginning of the process. That it’s going to be brutal and emotionally exhausting. But the program I’m in is awesome and I am very, very hopeful that when these 12 weeks are up, I might not be cured, but I will be in a saner and better place.

Now, shoo! Someone go write me that song! I’m thinking of a line that goes something like: “if my tears were like raindrops and those raindrops were frosting…”

****************************************************************************

Weekly Wrap Up

Blogger Idol!! BLOGGER IDOL!!! I wrote another serious essay this week, this time about exploitation on the internet. I think I was in the middle of the pack this time, and with only 5 of us left, things are getting hairy. Maybe I mean, “tight.” Or hairy AND tight. Oh my god, this just became a disgusting sexual innuendo that I did not intend to have at all, but now I can’t delete it. It’s the writing equivalent of not being able to look away from a train wreck. I apologize.

I will update later with the results!!

Author: admin

Meredith likes to write the funny at her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

10 Comments

  1. Good for you for reaching out for help.

    I was bulimic for about 10 years – through college and my 20′s. I never got help for it and I’m really not sure how I was able to stop. But since I did stop, I always thought it was behind me.

    After I had Lucien, I started weight watchers to lose some extra pounds. Turns out that when you have an eating disorder, you really shouldn’t be counting every calorie you put in your mouth. Who knew! All of those tendencies immediately came flooding back when I started to have a hard time sticking to my diet. I kept thinking “well, I can just get rid of that.” I stopped weight watchers immediately.

    Moral of the story – good for you for getting help. I’m sure I still need it.
    Guerrilla Mom recently posted..Don’t Let Your Child Use Your Phone. Ever.My Profile

  2. “Because this is a humor blog, and therefore I like to be depressing as fuck. IT’S WHAT I DO.” — That tickled me.

    You’re showing up — that’s one kind of success already.
    When I Blink recently posted..Penguins of Our LivesMy Profile

  3. I think what you’re doing is really brave. I’m in awe of you, both for doing this AND for being the Blogger Idol front-runner (middle of the pack, my ass).

    Also, “hairy and tight” made me lol. Cause that’s just what I want to think about when thinking of Blogger Idol!
    Crazed in the Kitchen recently posted..Why I Chose Formula For My Babies, And Why That’s OKMy Profile

  4. You are better every day, every minute….with frosting and chips.

    please work on the words to the country song, I will sing it and we can make a million.

  5. You are a rockstar. Keep up the good work. We are rooting for you every step of the way. Team Meredith! BIG PROPS AND BIG HUGS TO YOU LADY.

  6. your arm behind the back analogy nailed it, for anyone who has an addiction or unhealthy habit they’re trying to change. but then you brought the funny anyways because the Eating My Tears was another little stroke of genius that cracked my ass up. keep up the good fight, your switch is in there somewhere to be flipped…

  7. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. I have the same habits and they are hell bent on staying, so they put up quite the fight. Happy? Have a cookie. Sad? Have a cookie. It’s a bitch to get out of that habit once you start.

    But good for you for acknowledging that you have a problem and surrendering yourself to the process. Kudos and good luck. And keep us all updated. We’re pulling for you!
    Amy Terror recently posted..Can we have cookies?My Profile

  8. I echo When I Blink’s comment that you are showing up. I don’t know that I could do it. I lost my six-year-old son to cancer two and a half years ago. It affects me every day. I try to deny it, but I am stressed and depressed and paranoid and I eat alot. I have gained about 20 pounds since he died. Yet I don’t want to go talk to anyone because I don’t want to sit there and cry the whole time. Thank you so much for sharing your story and using your humor. You are awesome. And I’m so pulling for you to be THE blogger idol! *hugs*

  9. I could really relate when you said this: “I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. I am either all in, or not at all. I am either perfect, or a failure.”

    I think you are brave too. One foot in front of the other.
    Lily from It’s A Dome Life recently posted..Dear Cinderella, Can I Borrow Those Mice?My Profile

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