I haven’t watched the Video Music Awards (VMAs) in years. Luckily I’m on the West coast, so I saw the internet lighting up about it a few hours before it aired out here. I said, this sounds like the kind of crazy I need to be a part of. Which channel is MTV, again?
So let’s hit the big points.
- Lady Gaga opened, looking like an Eggland’s Best commercial. I love this weirdo. I can’t help it. Anyone who is this consistently nutty is my kind of gal.
- One Direction came onstage. Mike said, “Who are these assholes?” I said, “One Direction.” Mike said, “Oh, christ.”
- They gave out an award for “Best Video With a Social Message.” Huh? Does that mean a video that talks about not killing people and references various minorities? Answer: Yes. Winner: Macklemore and The B Team.
- The Miley Cyrus performance. Ok. Here’s what I have to say about this:
When I was 20, I, like Miley, thought that being a grown woman meant bending over and sticking your tongue out. Unlike Miley, however, I was lucky enough not to be on television when I was going through that phase. Poor freaking Miley. In 10 years she’ll be in a bar with her friends saying, “No seriously! There were like, a million enormous bears, and I was twerking (remember twerking?) and I molested myself with a foam finger. Jesus. Where were all my adults? Wait, I know: cashing checks. I need another drink.”
We don’t need to shame her. She is (technically) an adult and she can make her own choices. Think back to the kinds of choices you made when you were 20. Uh-huh. Right. So let’s give the kid — and that’s what she is, a kid — a break. Yes, the performance was hideous. It was bad. So, so bad. But she’s just trying to figure herself out in the public eye, with a bunch of dancing bears and Robin Thicke in a Beetlejuice suit. Like we all did.
In closing, I would like to quote professional dancer Will Loftis:
And speaking of Robin Thicke, I need to jump back on my soap box for a minute and talk about Blurred Lines. Yes, the song is pretty rapey. And yes, the video (the uncensored video) is obnoxious. It’s all naked girls wearing nothing but g-strings and doing some awkward walking, while the three singers stand there, thrilled to be alive, wearing full suits. Those assholes even have hats on. I don’t care what anyone says — when one group has all the clothes, and the other group has none of the clothes, there is inequality going on there. There is a power differential, and it’s gross. That said, I love that song and totally groove to it whenever it comes on the radio. Because I am a hypocrite who likes a good beat.
- Kanye. Autotune. Jimmy Fallon. Which brings me to this, one of my favorite bits ever. Makes me cry laughing every time.
- Daft Punk. If you haven’t seen the Colbert Report where he talks about Daft Punk backing out of a performance on his show, do yourself a favor and Google it right now.
- Justin Timberlake takes the stage! He’s singing! He’s dancing! Then Mike goes, “Why are his back-up dancers so fat?” I said, “That’s ‘NSync, you asshole.”
- The award for “Artist To Watch” goes to Austin Mahone. Who the hell is Austin Mahone? That kid could serve me a margarita at Applebee’s and I wouldn’t know the difference.
- Then, there was an award for “Best Song of the Summer.” Now I KNOW they’re making this shit up. Until I see an award for the “Best Song of Fall” or “Favorite Christmas Album,” I’m not buying it. (The winner of “Favorite Christmas Album”, by the way, is The Regis Philbin Christmas Album.)
- Bruno Mars performed his new song, “Gorilla.” There were lasers. There was fire. There was smoke. Mike and I were waiting for actual gorillas to drop from the ceiling in a marketing technique gone horribly wrong.
- Then, the night ended with Katy Perry, who MTV kept saying was going to perform her biggest hit ever for the very first time. She went with a boxing theme. It would have been all female-empowerment and toughness if she hadn’t included the two bikini-clad ring girls. Jeez, Katy Perry. Being a kick-ass girl doesn’t mean tarting up women like the boys do. Put those chicks in some clothes. Make it leather. Put spikes on it. Then set it on fire. Then put out the fire. BAD ASS.
Thanks, MTV! You knocked it out of the park this year. It was super duper weird.