HAPPY LAST DAY OF 2013!!
I hope everyone had a great holiday season. We had quite the Christmas here in the Bland household. My seventy-year-old mother and my twin sister flew into town and spent a few days with us, which was awesome. My family is all on the East Coast, so I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like.
Within minutes of my mother arriving, my children started playing tag with her. TAG. She is SEVENTY. Lord help me, what a terrible way that would be to lose Grandma. (“The poor thing. She just couldn’t catch them.”) But she was very brave and surprisingly hardy.
Here are the other XMAS ’13 takeaways:
- We came up with a new tongue twister: Hiccup McHiccuperson. Try it, and see if you don’t start stuttering halfway through “McHiccuperson.”
- I learned that my daughter is the insult comic of the kindergarten set. It’s completely unintentional and sweetly naive, but the girl comes up with some magnificent burns. For example:
–My sister: “I can’t play tag. I’m in the same physical condition as Grandma.”
My daughter: “No. You’re not a mess!”
— My daughter smelled my mother’s arm. My mom: “Do you like that smell? It’s lemon.”
My daughter: “You smell like old woman.”
She’s adorable, isn’t she? She’ll be opening at Harrah’s this summer.
- My husband Mike came up with a new My Little Pony name: Fart Sparkle.
- My daughter lost two more teeth. She is now missing her two front top teeth and her three front bottom teeth. She looks like a sadly outmatched prize fighter.
- Mike made me a cock and balls out of foam.
- I kept getting emotional about how much I missed my family and I didn’t want them to leave. I said, “I don’t know why I’m crying so much.” My mother asked me if I was pregnant. Then my uterus threw up.
Tonight, I will take my children to the zoo to celebrate New Year’s Eve at 7:00 with all the animals. There will be crafts and snacks and hopefully giraffes. If I have my way, there will be unexpected, illegal giraffes. Wearing party hats.
I love giraffes. Can you ride giraffes, or are their backs too slope-y? It’s a fantastic question.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!!!